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Original poster

I don't think I can wait 8 years one this.

202 replies

Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 10:45

I'm very career driven. DP not so much. ATM were living in the west country with next to no job opportunities for me. I'm massively underemployed and as much as try not to think about it every now and then it comes back and I hate it. I resent my partner that I won't have the career I want because he won't move as he wants to remain close to his DC.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 25/09/2020 11:27

Which sector are you in OP? Most jobs are remote at the moment. Have you applied for any that you can do remotely? If so, how did you get on with the interview etc. I assume you have childcare lined up for your 1 year old.

MojoJojo71 · 25/09/2020 11:27

I think this is more a case of regretting the decisions you have made OP. You chose a relationship with a man who has children, you chose to buy a house near his children and you chose to bring another child into this situation. Unfortunately you can’t move away without one or more of his children having contact with their father reduced or made more difficult, I guess it depends whether you can live with that.

Livandme · 25/09/2020 11:28

@Tornonafriday

What I mean *@myhobbyisouting* is that leaving is as complex as a divorce. It makes no real difference to either of us in that way.
No it isn't. It's much easier. There are no official legal processes to go through. You aren't legally contracted together other than the house.

Anyhow, besides that issue.
How long have you been feeling like this? What was wrong with the job offer? Your dp clearly wants his dc nearby as its easier. I think given you have a child together, that you have agreed to the status quo unwittingly.
Would your dp be a sahp and let you move for the big bucks job? Is that feasible?

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:29

He said he'd consider it but always was vague about it. It also turns out he thought I'd never be able to get those "high paying jobs" so wasn't saying "no" but wasn't saying "yes" either. But what's it's done it's done. He won't move. I feel more sad than resentful because I know regardless it's going to be she's to feel fulfilled regardless of the choice .

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/09/2020 11:32

Well, take a 75k job and work away Mon-fri then.

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:34

We discussed him ecoming a SAHP but he didn't like that either. The job wasn't "corporate" it was very hands on and included night shifts.

I'm originally a BPO manager, I tend to apply for Ops Manager jobs or Project/product manager type of roles.

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 25/09/2020 11:34

You can stay and commute to work and put your 1 year old in childcare ( or your partner could look after). Be careful with this though. If you then want to leave later it may make custody trickier especially if he is the main carer and his other kids are nearby. If you decide to split then that bit is straightforward as you're not married. He may still go for custody and you still need to consider childcare when you have the baby around your new job.

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:39

Commuting is impossible it's 6hrs to London! We'd really have to move, and I know we eventually will but by then I think it would be very hard to get back on the corporate ladder. I'm also supposed to retrain but that had to be postponed.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 25/09/2020 11:41

How close does he insist on being? — I’m not sure where you live but if you lived in Bristol/bath area (I do) there would me more opportunities than if you lived in say deepest Devon. You can also commute to Reading/Swindon etc— although London’s a fag for daily commuting.

yetmorecrap · 25/09/2020 11:44

Cardiff commutable too from there. If he is insisting on same town and it’s not exactly a hive of well paid work you are stuffed unless you set up your own business, or work away or get a remote job that pays well OR get a job where you can do say 2 days in London (stay Airbnb the 1 night) and remaining 3 days back home. There are jobs like this as I know several who do them and they were not advertised as such— a big however though is jobs market is dire for everyone at the moment

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:46

The furthest he'd move is Exeter. O do get periods of being OK but I really didn't like him telling me how to use my time. What in trying to do will.improve everyone's lives, especially mine.

OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 25/09/2020 11:50

Not an easy dilemma, you are between a rock and a hard place, I totally get why he wants to live close to all his dc. But it wasn't fair to say he would move if you found the right job and then backtrack when you did.
You are making compromises he doesnt have to and this will cause resentment.
You can accept he won't move and try your best to find a job that accepts home working, in the meantime that will mean compromise on your work or you will have to go it alone. Not an easier choice, you need to talk to him, if you move away he wont be close to all his DC anyway but as a mum I do understand why its important to live close to all his DC.

kissmysass · 25/09/2020 11:51

Your other problem is if you decided to leave and wanted to take the baby with you, he could file a prohibited steps order to stop you relocating.
This really is something that needs sorting sooner rather than later.

zafferana · 25/09/2020 11:54

OP you act like your DP is doing this to you, but YOU are doing this to you by the choices YOU made by getting together with a DP who has young DC living in an area that gives you few opportunities. Own your own decisions FFS and stop resenting him for being the man YOU chose, knowing his situation.

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:55

Tu @Runnerduck34 that really sums it up. And it's the feeling that he isn't sacrificing anything so to speak and I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 11:57

I never said he did this to him in fact I actually don't resent him. I resent life if anything.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/09/2020 11:58

What in trying to do will.improve everyone's lives, especially mine

But not his kids.

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 12:00

The jobs I was applying to are local, his DC won't be affected in the slightest.

OP posts:
RaisinGhost · 25/09/2020 12:03

Yanbu for being unsatisfied but your attitude is a bit strange, you say your dp won't move away from his children, as if he really should be fine with it. Think about it a different way - unfortunately you and dp aren't compatible as you have immovable commitments in different areas.

AlternativePerspective · 25/09/2020 12:04

So how did it come about that you moved to the West Country in the first place?

Presumably you were living there when you met this partner you’ve now had a child with? So by moving you already knew that your career was on hold.

rorosemary · 25/09/2020 12:05

You need to make an active choice here. There are options. You could rent an appartment near london and work there during the week and come home weekends, plenty of dads do this, no reason a mum couldn't do this. You could also split up. If you really want your career you can go for it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/09/2020 12:06

I don't understand.

You are applying to local jobs. So there are jobs? So what are you asking of him? To move to London?

canigohomenow · 25/09/2020 12:07

OP you have three choices.

  1. Put up and shut up, which is an awful idea.
  1. Work away Monday-Friday, rent somewhere in London and come home at weekend.
  1. Accept your relationship is over and you want different things and move away with your son.

The choice is yours, OP.

AlternativePerspective · 25/09/2020 12:07

And tbh, in the scheme of things, it is just a job. if you both move then you’re faced with a twelve hour round trip twice every other weekend so he can see his kids, (assuming he only has them every other weekend, if he has them more than that then you’re expecting him to reduce his relationship with his kids.) If you move on your own you face being a single parent, which isn’t always conducive to that career you’re moving for, and you face the possibility of him applying for a prohibited steps order to prevent you from taking your DC with you.

Equally you’ll be faced with a long journey every other weekend minimum for your child to see his father, and as it’s your choice to move, you’ll be the one expected to do the majority of the travelling.

You need to ask yourself what is more important. Your relationship with your child and your partner? Or a job which just happens to have some prospects.

Original poster
Tornonafriday · 25/09/2020 12:08

Maybe a better way to put it is.... he knows how getting a better job is very important to me. He knows I can do it. So instead of telling how to use my childcare hours he should just let me crack on with it. According to him it came from a good place (as he says I'll get stressed later anyways) but I didn't see it as a waste of time and I take responsibility of how I'm using my time. I don't have the same luxury that he does of going to to work and back and that's it. I have to work 44 hours a week around the baby and other commitments. Looking and applying for other jobs is so I don't have to work that many hours to have a decent quality of life.

OP posts: