I don't think I can wait 8 years one this.

[Tornonafriday]

I'm very career driven. DP not so much. ATM were living in the west country with next to no job opportunities for me. I'm massively underemployed and as much as try not to think about it every now and then it comes back and I hate it. I resent my partner that I won't have the career I want because he won't move as he wants to remain close to his DC.

@Tornonafriday i've read all your posts and you've got lots of words like "implied", "mentioned", etc. when you talk about what your DP has said to you regarding your job hunting. These words are red flags. They show that you and him haven't actually had a conversation with outcomes that can be applied to the real world.

You've had "chats", and, when you put his recent behaviour into the mix as well, honestly it sounds like you've probably heard what you want to hear.

The thing is, you've sort of tested this out already, haven't you? And he's shown you quite clearly how he feels. You assumed he would support you in the job you were offered - and you were wrong. You assumed he supported you in job hunting - and you were wrong.

What else does he need to do, to make it clear to you that he's not fussed about you working? I feel like he's made it very clear but you aren't wanting to listen.

Is there a possibility that you already know this, which is why you have been avoiding having a direct conversation with him? You've possibly been skirting around having it out with him because you'd like to maintain the illusion that he's actually supportive of you. Just think about that, you need to get reality straight in your mind tbh. Your partner doesn't want you to have a better job, he wants you in the job you have.

Also please please don't talk about how you're practically his wife. You absolutely aren't. Again, I feel like there's some avoidance of reality on your part in play here.

Honestly Op I think you will only end up with resentment for this guy in the end. It's all about him. He doesn't have any respect for your career whatsoever and he's lead you down the garden path regarding what would be possible for you in the future.
If I was you I would consider my future without him in it. Live the life that fulfils you because this relationship will only end up making you feel like you missed out on life otherwise.

I don't think it makes any difference if I'm his wife or not as it's not like he has anything to lose, it would be me in any case. But that's irrelevant, I mention it in terms of commitment and because we have a date set at the registry office.

Anywho, I think he could have some patriarchal issues going on as in the end, again he'd benefit from me having a better job. He's supported me through my retraining though. I don't think he questioned my use of time in a nasty way but it felt that way to me. Just two days before he was listening to everything I had to say very attentively.

He's very much of the idea of not forcing what isn't broken I think he applies it to my current job too.

I have nothing positive to add or even any advice, all I can say is, i am also in the west country i also hate it. I am lucky enough to have a job i live and it really is the only thing keeping me here, however i also have lived my whole life in London and of course worked there, nothing compares to working in the city and as much as I love my job it is nowhere near the same calibre of London.

I wish I could offer you some advice, I cant, but I can say I understand you.

If you're on Mumsnet wondering about whether or not to move out then perhaps it's time to postpone the wedding. Just sayin.

You turned down a 75k a year job??! Why would you do that!! That’s a deal breaker. Come on OP. You’re a high flyer, living in butt end nowhere land. That’s why you aren’t happy and you’ve realised he ain’t ever going to do for you what you’d do for him. Let’s call it like it is. You’re wasting your time and life and as time goes on you get more and more underemployed with waning and wasted skills. And older. And more unemployable. This isn’t going to improve.

I know! How many people can say they got that type of job offer? But I did. Probably one of my biggest achievements. I like my company, not my job (I've been promised a promotion but God only know when that's going to happen).. at least I and a taste of the corporate life, flying for work across the globe, business cards, board meetings. I loved it! But I also love the home life I've created and I think that one is harder to replicate.

@myhobbyisouting

"I'm more of a wife than a GF!"

You're really not. You are his girlfriend/partner.

What made you have the baby together without discussing this first?!

Lolz. Yes legally op is in a different situation because she's not married. But in terms of the relationship she owns a home with her partner and has a child.

Comments like this just come across as spiteful. Are you married? @myhobbyisouting

Many men live away in the week and come back at weekends to pursue careers. A decent man would never leave his dc.

It sounds like you are making sacrafices for the relationship and he isn't really. I know the baby is born now so I don't want this to sound harsh. But what was your thinking when you had a child together? Did you think that you could just push your ambition aside? That's fine if that's how you felt.

But I think saying more about this would help people understand how this situation has occurred. For example is he happy with you making these sacrafices is he even aware of how big a deal these issues are? Or is he thinking because you've chosen to have a child together that the relationship is a priority over everything?

@Tornonafriday

We have a 1 year old too. His older DC are 10 and 13 (thus the 8 years). And it's not just the career I don't like where we live at all.

Do you intend to live away from your child when they are 18? . If not, why are you expecting him to?

Well @SunshineCake of course I do! Children move out to go to uni...

@Plussizejumpsuit I didn't think it was such a big deal at the time I thought it would "ground" me. For him it was hard to understand or have any empathy, we're definitely getting there now.

You have my sympathies OP. Life doesn't always go as you imagined and people let you down.

You can choose how to go forward though.

@Tornonafriday

We discussed him ecoming a SAHP but he didn't like that either. The job wasn't "corporate" it was very hands on and included night shifts.

I'm originally a BPO manager, I tend to apply for Ops Manager jobs or Project/product manager type of roles.

Unless these jobs are in construction or another physical industry then you'll surely be able to work remotely at least for the next 6 months. Admittedly that doesn't solve you not liking where you live but it allows you to take one step at a time.

You clearly have a mismatch in expectation and aspiration with your DP, and you've not been communicating clearly with each other. As PP said you need to be having much more explicit conversations about what yoi want, what if etc.

Take that Tolstoy quote with a pinch of salt. He was notoriously unhappily married.

FGS don't get married yet, and make sure you have backed up your contraception.

I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I would put the needs of my children above my career aspirations. If you can live reasonably comfortably, and they have love - I would put this above anything else, particularly in the current climate.

Looking after a 1 year old is a very challenging, valuable and rewarding career.

@Plentyofshit but we don't live comfortably that's part of the problem.

@Palavah it might me the case. i haven't really looked for jobs post Covid, but I did find a few ones just before and it had to be within commuting distance. That being said I'll start looking again and see what I can find.

@Plentyofshit

Looking after a 1 year old is a very challenging, valuable and rewarding career.

Some women want more than this

In 8 years he won’t suddenly be happy to leave the area he has roots in and his DC. He won’t stop wanting to be near them

Reread the whole thread, you should be able to find remote work, I’m wfh FT, in IT. We have never been busier, a lot of companies have closed their city offices until next year but are still operating and recruiting. Up the ante on your job search, use connections from previous roles. You will like your current area More with more money behind you.

Sorry if this has already been asked but would you take your 1 yr old with you? In which case him staying wound mean he would be living away from that child. Lose lose for him

@Idontgiveagriffindamn I didn’t apply my statement to a specific gender. I also think the term ‘more than this’ implies that it’s a low level role. It’s not. In fact I can’t think of another career that is more important. Living comfortably to me means that you have food/shelter/warmth/good education/good healthcare. Do you not have these things @Tornonafriday

You should be glad he wants to be an involved father. Surely you knew this before you started a family with him?

If the closest he will move is Essex, why don't you do that? I have friends who commute from Essex to London. Very doable.

[quote Plentyofshit]**@Idontgiveagriffindamn* I didn’t apply my statement to a specific gender. I also think the term ‘more than this’ implies that it’s a low level role. It’s not. In fact I can’t think of another career that is more important. Living comfortably to me means that you have food/shelter/warmth/good education/good healthcare. Do you not have these things @Tornonafriday*[/quote]
Bringing children up is not a career yes it is important but some people do want more than being a parent. I do. The OP does. The OPs partner has said he doesn’t want to be a SAHP.
I’m not saying being a SAHP is not a valid choice and one that I respect but I don’t think it’s helpful to suggest this on the OPs thread where she’s stated she wants a career