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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dps relationship with my son has ruined our family

209 replies

16more · 06/09/2020 15:25

My ds is from a previous relationship (his dad is an arsehole and not really around). He’s almost 10 and really has an attitude can be really rude and has to be told multiple times before he does something. (Doesn’t anyone’s kids?!). My dp just hates him basically. Doesn’t make any effort to have a real relationship with him anymore cos he just thinks he’s a horrible rude little boy. To me it feels like he purposely says things to escalate an argument and setting him up for failure. I know how difficult ds is and I’m not blind to it I do discipline him. But dp will just say stuff to him he knows is going to end in an argument. Really don’t know what to do
We have our dd together who has just turned 2 and also baby number 3 on the way so I’m completely heart broken but I really don’t see how we can continue as a family when they can’t even spend a full day together without coming to blows and my dp flying off the handles and just storming out the house.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 06/09/2020 15:30

You could start by putting your son first. How awful for him to live with a man who openly hates him.

Bunnymumy · 06/09/2020 15:31

Cut your losses. Get used to the single life before baby 3 comes along (too far along to rethink this baby btw?).

Your partner is treating your son as competition. Which shows he isnt right in the head. He sees you as there to meet his needs and nothing else. Not a partner.

Your son has to come first.

Your son may also need a firmer hand from you. So that he doesn't grow up to be an asshole too. But getting rid of the shitty male influence will be half that battle anyway.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 06/09/2020 15:32

Your poor son Sad

SBTLove · 06/09/2020 15:32

More info needed;
What exactly does he say? Are you blinkered to your DS behaviour?
Have you sat a down and discussed boundaries/discipline as parents?
If this has been going in awhile I’m stunned you’re having another baby with him?

candycane222 · 06/09/2020 15:33

Coming to blows? A grown man is hitting your child, you mean? Get rid. Sad for you briefly. But far far far sadder for your son if you don't. What is he elarning form this man? Did his behaviour start after dp came into his life? Even if it isn't because of DP, what on earth is ds learning??

smallandimperfectlyformed · 06/09/2020 15:33

Coming to blows? Are you all safe? If not, can you ring for help? I am so sorry that you and your children are in such an awful situation, it sounds horrible.

sophmum31 · 06/09/2020 15:33

So sorry you are in this situation. You know really what you have to do for your son. It will only get worse when he is a teenager and could affect him for a lifetime. Stay strong x

CodenameVillanelle · 06/09/2020 15:34

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AmandaHoldensLips · 06/09/2020 15:35

This is bad. Please look into family counselling.

workhomesleeprepeat · 06/09/2020 15:37

Shocked that you would stay with someone who hates your son like this. The poor boy Sad

ApolloandDaphne · 06/09/2020 15:38

Do you really mean coming to blows because if you do this is really not on.

missyB1 · 06/09/2020 15:38

Well don’t just blame your partner after all you have put yourself and your son in this situation too. And you thought it was a good idea to have a couple more kids whilst your eldest has clearly got some issues going on? His real dad, your partner, and you have all had a hand in creating this.
Time to decide on priorities.

WildUnknown · 06/09/2020 15:38

So frustrating to see so many threads like this either from the point of view of a Mum whose DH/DP hates their kids or a stepmum who hates their DH/DPs kids

Literally so many people are so selfish and put their own happiness above the happiness of powerless children caught in the shuffle.

You should never have tried for a second baby with a man who hates your son.

Your son should not have to live with an adult who hates him and it's your job to rectify that.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 06/09/2020 15:40

Is your boyfriend assaulting your son?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2020 15:41

What is the situation re the finances and property?. I would now be making preparations for a permanent split between you and this man because he will continue to hate your eldest here. Do not put this man ahead of your own children.

Your son is but a child here; what sort of man actively hates another man's child?. Your partner is an adult so should be far more responsible yet he is not behaving like one. I would also think he treats his own far younger DD a lot better than your son too. If you do not act decisively here re your son you could well go onto lose your relationship with your son entirely when he is an adult because he could well accuse you of putting this bloke before him. This man should be binned in any case, storming out of the house is a juvenile action designed to gain the upper hand but also to upset you and put you on edge. This is not what you need particularly as you are now pregnant again.

Sadly for you and not least your own son here you chose poorly (it sounds like you've picked another crap version of a man and I note your ex no longer on the scene). Your son needs decent male role models to guide him and this current bloke does not fit the bill either.
Your son needs you now more than ever; you need to show your son and your daughter that this treatment by her dad towards her brother (and in turn you all) is not at all tolerated or excused by you. After all the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

user12642379742146 · 06/09/2020 15:43

So your partner has spent years abusing your son and you have allowed it to continue? Fantastic. Well done.

Original poster
16more · 06/09/2020 15:44

Sorry by coming to blows I really didn’t mean any violence. Just shouting. We didn’t actually try for number 3, thanks to everyone calling me selfish, these things happen by accident sometimes. Obviously I know it’s fucking terrible timing. And before we had our daughter it wasn’t this way. This has been only happening in the last year or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
16more · 06/09/2020 15:46

I can not believe the comments people go out of there way to post. Why on earth right anything if it’s not helpful? Why would you actively go out of your way to make someone feel even shitter about their life?!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2020 15:48

This man was likely on his "best behaviour" when you first met him and has reverted to his true nature i.e. this abusive behaviour from him towards your son. Has he actually treated you with less respect over this past year too?. You chose this man poorly for you as well as your son and you are responsible for this choice of man who now needs to be gone from your day to day lives.

How did you arrive at this point in your life?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

jimmyjammy001 · 06/09/2020 15:48

How long has this been going on for? Since the start of the relationship? If so he should of known better than to start up a family with someone who allready has children as problems like this are common place when there are mixed family's, but you are where you are now, the child is not his, so maybe he feels no connection to it? He Can't discipline your son? You have allready said your son is a nightmare, he's putting his foot down so he does not grow up spoilt, you should be backing him up and stopping your sons attitude problem, have a sit down and work out a plan

Original poster
16more · 06/09/2020 15:50

@jimmyjammy001 we have been together over 6 years now and they got along fine for the first 4 - 5 years.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2020 15:55

I would think your son is at heart a nightmare because a) his biological father is an arse who is no longer on the scene and b) his stepfather is also an arse of a man who cannot control himself around your son or his daughter.

This boy is crying out I think for someone to actually love and take some notice of him; after all negative attention is better than none. Who is really looking out for this child's emotional well being if not you as his mother?. Does your son see you as his mum as being too busy or otherwise stretched because of his younger sister and you being pregnant again.

Gazelda · 06/09/2020 15:56

There are some nasty and very unhelpful posts on this thread. It's not AIBU ffs. Whatever happened to kindness, support and helping?

OP, this sounds very tough for you. And for your DS. Is your DP aware that his relationship with your DS has changed so dramatically? Has he any excuse? Does he try to change?

I agree with others that for the sake of you your DS, you should be thinking of separating. As hard as that will be, it is in the best interest of all the DC in the long term. You really can't want them to grow up with him as a role model and the DC being treated differently because of their parentage?

I feel desperately sorry for you and hope you've got good support from friends and family.

babycakes1010 · 06/09/2020 15:58

What a bully! Get rid and think of your son!

Original poster
16more · 06/09/2020 15:59

@AttilaTheMeerkat I’m sure you’re right and at the moment I feel like a complete and utter failure and they’d all be better off without me to fuck them up. Dp works late and I am definitely very busy with his sister

OP posts: