Dps relationship with my son has ruined our family

[16more]

My ds is from a previous relationship (his dad is an arsehole and not really around). He’s almost 10 and really has an attitude can be really rude and has to be told multiple times before he does something. (Doesn’t anyone’s kids?!). My dp just hates him basically. Doesn’t make any effort to have a real relationship with him anymore cos he just thinks he’s a horrible rude little boy. To me it feels like he purposely says things to escalate an argument and setting him up for failure. I know how difficult ds is and I’m not blind to it I do discipline him. But dp will just say stuff to him he knows is going to end in an argument. Really don’t know what to do
We have our dd together who has just turned 2 and also baby number 3 on the way so I’m completely heart broken but I really don’t see how we can continue as a family when they can’t even spend a full day together without coming to blows and my dp flying off the handles and just storming out the house.

Sounds to me like having his own DD has shown him what it means to love a child unconditionally and this has highlighted to him how he doesn't feel this for your son.
It isn't fair on your son. You need to leave.

@Gazelda thank you. I think deep down that’s the only option

I would think this man had no real interest in having any sort of a relationship with her son in the first place and particularly as her son has got older and has developed more opinions and a mind of his own.

f this is what her partner is like when her son is now 10 then things at home are not going to improve. What sort of a man acts like this towards a child anyway?. If anyone is being horrible and rude here its your partner; not necessarily this child who is after all only 10 years of age.

Your children really would not be better off without you. You are basically carrying a lot of the mental load as it is.

All you have to do ultimately is step up for all your children and show them all equally regardless of who their dad is that you are reliable and consistent and will be always there for them. They've got one flake already in their dad so you need to be the responsible and fully together parent here. You're all they've got and you have to be reliable.

It will only get worse as your children come into adolescence, this type of man won't give them the space to be as they need to be.

So he's only turned nasty since having his own daughter with you?

Well he sounds like a right shit then, if he was ok with your DS before his own blood offspring turned up.

What do you do - you get rid of him. I don't give a flying fuck how nice he is to your DD (His Child) but you can't allow your son to grow up with someone who openly hates him like that, what a fucking horrible thing for him to have to live with. :(

ALL kids go through difficult phases, at different ages. Your "partner" is a fucking knob if he can't get that through his skull. But certainly having a stepfather who is so negative towards him isn't going to help!

So yeah, sorry, get rid of the knob and allow your son space to breathe in his own home.

You’re not a failure. Your DP has failed at family life. He should leave for a while - then you can with either get family therapy or, and his reaction to leaving over your son will speak volumes, it might not be possible. What is possible, whatever happens, is for your and your DC to have a strong and meaningful relationship and for your DP and his biological children to remain in contact. But you are only as happy as your personal relationships so at the moment the family is not working and ha become toxic for your son. You must of purse or him first - even though I’m sure he is being a complete and utter nightmare (I have a 10 year old myself) but an angry child is an unhappy child.

And as for your own self, love your own self for a change. Do not bring another man into their lives until you have done some work on you regarding your own self worth and boundaries in relationships. Both men here have played their parts in weakening those further and they may well have been somewhat shaky to start with.

So did it all change 2 years ago when your 2nd child was born? Is son feeling left out/unwanted and is playing up for attention? Now you husband has his own child has he decided he doesn't want your son around? I think there is alot going on and it will only get worse as puberty kicks in. Can you have some family counselling? If not I don't see much of a future for you all so maybe separating would be for the best. I know it can't be easy.

Many posters seem to relish being as nasty as they can for odd reasons best known to themselves and don't believe in supporting someone who wants support and advice.

@16more

I can not believe the comments people go out of there way to post. Why on earth right anything if it’s not helpful? Why would you actively go out of your way to make someone feel even shitter about their life?!

Enough with the self pity. And how you do accidentally get pregnant when you've already got 2 kids?

My dp just hates him basically. ...But dp will just say stuff to him he knows is going to end in an argument. Really don’t know what to do

Your "d"P sounds an utter twat and you need to put your parenting responsibilities first, dump him and look after your children. Your poor son, who is still young is going to have an even more torrid time as a teen otherwise. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but why are you prioritising someone who picks fights with 10 year olds, he sounds pathetic.

I think it sounds like you know what you need to do. You need to put your son first and leave. He's going to end up so fucked up otherwise. Your other children can still have a relationship with their dad. Be strong and do what you know is the right thing.

You need to protect your son. He's coming up to puberty and needs support and love. Of course he needs boundaries too but he's not going to respect boundaries from someone who obviously dislikes him. Discipline needs to be in the context of a loving relationship. Living in a house where there are two loved, younger children and he's the older bad kid is going to destroy his self esteem and he'll end up living up to the role he's been cast in.

Right @pollylocketpickedapocket , nice addition to the chat. If you’re going to offer support then do so. If not: do one.

@16more

I can not believe the comments people go out of there way to post. Why on earth right anything if it’s not helpful? Why would you actively go out of your way to make someone feel even shitter about their life?!

Because they feel even shitter about your son's life

I'm sorry if I was harsh OP, I really thought you meant he was hitting your son. But you are right, shouting at him is not OK either. You must be gutted that someone who seemed so lovely at first clearly wasn't lovely, after all.

But your son doesn't get a say here really, so you have to act in his best interests. I don't think his behaviour is likely to improve while he is being shouted at - but you probably know that anyway.

I do think you need to separate, and you should probably seek help and support with your ds, it dose sound as though he is struggling. Childen as young as that aren't just 'nasty', they a re still young enough to be helped.

Very best of luck.

You need to get together on this . I suspect that you two have very different parenting styles judging by your words . "I do discipline him" Why is that I and not we ? Your son is getting older so of course it will get more difficult . You've had /will have two more children . How can one child take precedence over the lives of two others ? It's hardly fair is it ? You are going to have to work out a way through this together and with your son.

@JorisBonson

You could start by putting your son first. How awful for him to live with a man who openly hates him.

That.

I'll say nothing about you having two children with that man.

Your dp is being an arse. Flouncing off trying to provoke you into choosing him over your son.
Tell him you have made a decision and you choose your son. You are the only person in the world who can protect him.

I am really sorry you are in this situation op, particularly as you are pregnant as well. It must be very daunting to be faced with this now, if things have been okay up to this point.

I was raised by a father that hated me - he was my real father, and he did exactly what your dp is doing to your ds (and worse). I am just having therapy now, I have never and will never get over it. It shattered my confidence, self esteem, my childhood and the first part of adulthood. It has taken me decades to even manage to live with it. I am extremely upset my mother allowed it to happen to me. I do hold her at least partially responsible.

This can not go on op.

Your son will get older, and get angry and you will end up with full on physical fights and worse. Your son will soon become a teenager and become even more challenging than he is now. You have to protect him, whatever it personally costs you. Your other children will grow up in the shadow of all the stress, violence and anger it will ruin their childhood too. There is no chance of a happy ending with this, zero.

Please leave before it is too late. Your ds may never forget what your dp is doing, but he will know you had the courage to stand up for him, to protect him and to take him out of the hostile environment that should be his home. You have to do this for your kids op.

His mental well being is so important and it really is one of my biggest nightmares for him to grow up fucked up because of this relationship with his SD. I know what I need to do. Think I was just hoping for some kind of magic solution that someone had worked out from being in the same situation. I am so scared of being a single mum with 2 small children. And completely devastated because if he weren’t so immature and bad tempered this wouldn’t be happening

You are ONLY a failure if you allow this continue.

You are not a complete failure in any shape or form - some men do change after children, so you have a problem, a big one, but it can be fixed. You can fix this, but you will need a great deal of courage and support in the short term - but for your son it is worth it

Gloves are off now your tied to him with babies but he’s an adult and not the 4th child so he should have realised his behaviour was out of order.

How did he think having more kids would pan out? Their all going to push back as they grow up.

Plenty of mothers all over the world manage every day on their own with little ones, your son will help. There is support out there for you as well.

You won't be able to rewind the damage to your ds if you stay, and the damage inflicted on your other two other children by living with this day in and day out. They would be better off almost anywhere else rather than living with a nasty bully like your dp.