Dps relationship with my son has ruined our family

[16more]

My ds is from a previous relationship (his dad is an arsehole and not really around). He’s almost 10 and really has an attitude can be really rude and has to be told multiple times before he does something. (Doesn’t anyone’s kids?!). My dp just hates him basically. Doesn’t make any effort to have a real relationship with him anymore cos he just thinks he’s a horrible rude little boy. To me it feels like he purposely says things to escalate an argument and setting him up for failure. I know how difficult ds is and I’m not blind to it I do discipline him. But dp will just say stuff to him he knows is going to end in an argument. Really don’t know what to do
We have our dd together who has just turned 2 and also baby number 3 on the way so I’m completely heart broken but I really don’t see how we can continue as a family when they can’t even spend a full day together without coming to blows and my dp flying off the handles and just storming out the house.

have you spoken to your partner about how he's treating your son? you need to tell him it has to stop or you're going.
if your son is being rude it has to be tackled, your partner needs to grow up too.

Your son is a child.
What's your partner's excuse?

What I find most sad is that this is a child does not have a father to turn to, he has no one else to turn to. He is facing this all by himself. That is going to cause some serious damage.

Your poor boy. He needs you to be there for him, his actions are clearly born of distress. Tel DP to not be so goady to a child, get some family counselling and if dp can't be the supportive adult and stepfather he needs to be then get rid.

[quote 16more]@jimmyjammy001 we have been together over 6 years now and they got along fine for the first 4 - 5 years.[/quote]
So doing the maths it looks like perhaps things started to go 'bad' around the time DD was born?

It's quite possible that DS feels 'pushed out' OR that your DP doesn't care about a relationship with him now that he has his 'own' child. I'm not saying either is true, just that you may want to explore the possibilities. And I mean to have a quiet think to yourself about timelines and behaviour issues (both DS & DP).

I will say this, no matter what or who the cause NEVER PUT A MAN BEFORE YOUR CHILD. NEVER!!!

Having a new baby is stressful at the best of times, especially if parents have different parenting styles. Add into the mix a 10 year old who doesn't feel part of the new family (and isn't biologically) and you're likely to have problems. Your ds is probably jealous and he and dp seem to be locked into winding each other up. Your dp should know better but clearly he doesn't or isn't able to address his behaviour.

I wouldn't give up your relationship with dp without trying to make it work for everyone. Talk it through. Ask your dp if he will work on his relationship with your ds because otherwise you will have to leave to protect your ds's well being. Make an ultimatum. Your dp could also help by taking your dd sometimes so you and your ds can spend time together and nurture your relationship.

Your ds probably feels very neglected. You need to bring him to the centre of the family quickly so he feels important and loved. Whether you stay with your dp or not, you will be locked into contact with him as he is the father of two of your children. If you love him I would try to make the family work for all of you. If you can't make the family work be careful that your ds doesn't feel the breakdown is his fault. You don't want to lock your ds and dp into a permanently hostile relationship.

Ten is quite old so you need to act quickly before your ds becomes more remote from the family. Family therapy might help but whatever you do emphasize to your dp that you need to address the problems now. Your family may be fixable. Your dp and ds might be able to become allies that but will only happen if your dp is prepared to put in the time and effort. Family therapy could also help.

Good luck.

Your poor little boy must feel so unhappy. I don’t really see how you can stay with someone who so obviously hates your child. You seem to be between a rock and a hard place. However it would never been right to choose your relationship over your partner over your relationship with your child. Have you told your partner he’s making you choose. You could basically give your child life long issues by leaving the situation to develop further. Your child is being emotionally abused.

Some posters are more harsh than others but yet another thread where a mother is not putting her child first with an abusive man in the house enrages people.

He is abusive, deliberately provoking a 10 year old, shouting and storming out, he doesn’t have to be physical. @16more is your fear and insecurity of being a single parent greater than the fear and insecurity your 10 year old is experiencing now?

Does your OH accept that his own behaviour and attitude is shocking?

Has your DP said he hates him?

@MaveDidIt I'm not being naive at all, I have first hand experience of the feeling of running out of patience with the behaviour of a challenging step child. You need to be on the same page with your partner and be able to discuss the behaviours you are really struggling to deal with, and agree on how you will each approach it (even if it's just to disengage and OP will always deal with it).

People are very quick to suggest splitting from the subsequent children's father without even trying to resolve the situation. They matter too and if OP and her DP can come to a mututally agreed resolution, then they should do so.

@16more, if he has been in your ds life for 5+ years, then he is just as ‘responsible’ as you are.

I’m wondering if there has been other things that have changed since the birth of your dd. Has he become more controlling/difficult to live with/making you walk on eggshells generally?

I think you are right. He is behaving badLy towards your ds. But I suspect it’s not just your ds he is badly behaving towards....

@impossible great comment 👏

Your son sounds normal for his age but your partner does not. Does he know how kids behave? Maybe shower him with extra love when your dps around even when Ds is being 'rude' as you put it. Hopefully he'll model that behaviour. I'd make him understand too (DP). It's hard for kids with divorced parents. Poor child must be feeling unwanted.

@aSofaNearYou While I agree with you that step families can be difficult did you hate your step child did you deliberately provoke them? That’s not working together on the same page is it?

Yeah I’d probably get rid given what you’ve described. However, I have a 9yo who isn’t rude, or need to be asked multiple times so his behaviour does sound pretty unacceptable too

Is there an option to sit down and discuss with your DP and perhaps do some counselling together with DS rather than simply end it?

You need to bin your partner.

He's making life so hard for your son. His dad is an arsehole and the bloke he shares a house with and who is with his mother is verbally abusive. Your son can't leave. He's stuck.

Your son is telling you how he is feeling by his behaviour. Listen to him.

If you stay with your partner your son's teenage years will be a car crash.

Get out now.

Your son will thank you for it.

What does he say that causes the argument?

Your poor boy is acting out because he feels left out, lonely and scared. You have a DP he knows hates him with his shouting and actions, he has a half sister that belongs to you and your DP but not really a full blood relation to himself and now another one on the way. He is probably frightened that the baby coming along is going to chip away from the desperate love and attention he needs from you right now. You need to step right up right now and grab him before he goes down a rabbit hole that you will not be able to rescue him from. Leaving is difficult but you need to seriously consider the mental health of your son immediately whether it be therapy or a massive adjustment in your family dynamic. Your DP sounds like an ineffective parent and should be taken out of the dynamic for now to get your son back on track. Do this before the next child is born.

Threads like this disgust me quite honestly. Why are you not putting your child first?

The only person your son has in this entire world is you. You’re it. Therefore, you have to make him a priority. Just call it. Make your DP leave. If he wants to grow up and make effort with your son then you can reconsider

My stepdad was just like your DP. Don't assume it's just because your son is his stepchild, once I moved out, mine started on my sister instead (his bio daughter).

@16more

His mental well being is so important and it really is one of my biggest nightmares for him to grow up fucked up because of this relationship with his SD. I know what I need to do. Think I was just hoping for some kind of magic solution that someone had worked out from being in the same situation. I am so scared of being a single mum with 2 small children. And completely devastated because if he weren’t so immature and bad tempered this wouldn’t be happening

What's your housing situation? Can you kick him out?

Your partner flies off the handle and storms out of the house? He sets your son up for failure? He hates him? He goads him into arguments? He makes no effort with him? Who is the child here? Get real OP. You need to get rid of your partner before he has an even worse effect on your poor son’s life. Put your son first fgs.

Well living with an arsey 10 year old wont be great. I can't help feeling that the arrival of DD affected the whole family dynamic. Does a 10 year old love having a demanding 2 year old around? Let alone a new baby - who's going to have time for DS. His DF is not interested.
I think DS should have a dependable adult to talk his feelings through with, so counselling might help.
DP needs counselling to get to grips with his behaviour towards DSS. As they got on once I think it can be saved.
Kick him out is the first suggestion but he won't be going far as DF to your 2 small DCs. The best option would be to fix his relationship with DS but you need outside help.