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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dps relationship with my son has ruined our family

209 replies

16more · 06/09/2020 15:25

My ds is from a previous relationship (his dad is an arsehole and not really around). He’s almost 10 and really has an attitude can be really rude and has to be told multiple times before he does something. (Doesn’t anyone’s kids?!). My dp just hates him basically. Doesn’t make any effort to have a real relationship with him anymore cos he just thinks he’s a horrible rude little boy. To me it feels like he purposely says things to escalate an argument and setting him up for failure. I know how difficult ds is and I’m not blind to it I do discipline him. But dp will just say stuff to him he knows is going to end in an argument. Really don’t know what to do
We have our dd together who has just turned 2 and also baby number 3 on the way so I’m completely heart broken but I really don’t see how we can continue as a family when they can’t even spend a full day together without coming to blows and my dp flying off the handles and just storming out the house.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 06/09/2020 18:01

There's an awful lot of 'unplanned' pregnancies on here. Are you using contraception or not? This is an awful situation to be bringing yet another child into. Your son will be pushed out and bullied even more. Don't care if I sound judgemental, fed up of reading on here innocent babies being brought into shit situations and existing children also suffering for it.

cakeandchampagne · 06/09/2020 18:06

Put your son first, and end the relationship.
It is damaging to your son to be actively hated by your partner- and it damages other children who witness it.

Original poster
16more · 06/09/2020 18:08

Ffs. @Kittykat93 it took such a long time to fall pregnant with our dd who was planned. Our relationship was fine at that point obviously. It wasn’t until after she was born that this started. Why on earth are you so concerned about my birth control? Yes my son is obviously having a tough time but I do my bloody best to make sure they are loved and warm and fed and entertained. As will be the 3rd!

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 06/09/2020 18:08

@BigFatLiar Children behave immaturely and impulsively; they can be holy terrors at time,however to somehow blame him solely is really despicable. This young man already has a biological father who has rejected him and a relationship with his stepfather for years which has now turned abusive! Who the hell wouldn't have issues with behavior then? Don't overlook puberty starting either! Throw in a couple of new siblings and my heart breaks for this child right now-I would think you would have an ounce of compassion for him!

Icanflyhigh · 06/09/2020 18:13

How classic is this?

OP posts about awful relationship between DP and DS, pp tell OP to put DS first.

OP then defends DP and says it isn't all that bad really.....

How long before OP asks for post to be removed?

Sorry OP, you're not being told what you want to hear and that is that you should be putting your 10 YEAR OLD SON first.

Planned or not, having another baby with this asshat who cannot accept you had a life before him is a huge mistake.

MaeveDidIt · 06/09/2020 18:13

I couldn't be with someone who treated my DS like that.
I realise you have other complications, but your 'D'P is a nasty bully.
I've witnessed it with a friend's child and it was horrendous. In the end he split up with her anyway (nothing to do with her poor DS).
I can never understand how a mother could compromise her flesh and blood like that.

SentientAndCognisant · 06/09/2020 18:15

You are observing this,an adult who hates your son & shouts at him
your son is deeply unhappy and needs you to protect him.Prioritise your son
Leave your dp,he won’t change

ivykaty44 · 06/09/2020 18:17

This thread is just a pile on

the op has come for help to help her son and posters are not b ieng helpful to any of he children involved

Op you do need to take some action but id get yourself of this thread - hide the thread if you like - it really won't do you any good to read the replies as they are mostly not very constructive

look elsewhere for help and advice

Ethicalbluey45 · 06/09/2020 18:18

Wow what a twat your dp is i think you already know what to do GET RID because it sounds like he likes to get his way and its only a matter of time he lays his hands on your boy if he hasnt already. Let me guess he is an amazing dad to his own biological child

HelloDaisy · 06/09/2020 18:21

We have a friend who was the perfect parent of his gorgeous daughter. He had full custody and did a great job working and bringing up his dd.

That was until he met his new dp who got pregnant early in their relationship. Since then his dd has been pushed further and further out of family life by the new dp and sadly our friend has let that happen which has caused never ending sorrow for the daughter.

We help the dd but don’t have anything to do with our friend anymore as I can’t comprehend how he can let that happen whilst knowing it is not the right way to be.

Please do make the right choices for your son so either get dp to acknowledge there’s a problem and get it sorted or leave him and get help for your son...

MaggieAndHopey · 06/09/2020 18:22

Do you really believe your partner hates your son, genuinely hates him?

aSofaNearYou · 06/09/2020 18:24

I think for the sake of your other two children you should be looking to improve things before cutting your losses. You say yourself that your son's attitude and behaviour is challenging, it is very difficult to like a child who isn't behaving in a likeable manner, when you are not the child's parent. Your DP has had the stresses that come with a baby/toddler and now another baby to think about, and as you say the relationship has only worsened since your DD was born. It is easy to see how he could have fallen into this pattern of behaviour, and outlook, at a very tiring and stressful time.

You should sit down and talk about the behaviours that are causing the tension, and how you can both deal with them together. Set rules and boundaries together. Impress upon him that the family dynamic will not work if he doesn't find a way to get on with your son, or avoid antagonising him if he can't, but that you want to work together so that everyone in the family has the support they need and is comfortable with the rules around behaviour. It's an ultimatum, but one that gives him the opportunity to reflect and improve on his relationship with your son with your support.

NewFactsEmerge · 06/09/2020 18:30

How classic is this?

OP posts about awful relationship between DP and DS, pp tell OP to put DS first

OP then defends DP and says it isn't all that bad really.....

Are we reading the same thread? The only thing OP is defending is herself, because people can't read her posts properly and keep asking why she had a child with this guy when she quite clearly said he wasn't like this when they had their daughter. In response to being told she should put her DS first and separate, she said

"thank you. I think deep down that’s the only option"

and

"I know what I need to do. Think I was just hoping for some kind of magic solution that someone had worked out from being in the same situation. I am so scared of being a single mum with 2 small children."

ivfbeenbusy · 06/09/2020 18:31

If you are saying your sons behaviour was fine until your DD arrived then it's obviously the new baby which was the catalyst and not anything your partner did at the time to change things?
Your sons sounds like he's harbouring deep jealousy and resentment of your DD and this will only worsen when the new baby arrives. I think you need to address this somehow

Branleuse · 06/09/2020 18:32

He turned on your son once he had his own child. It happens a lot. Im sorry but if you have to explain why this is wrong to him, then hes not worth the effort. Your priority should always be your children over any man, even their own father, and if your other children grow up seeing this dynamic it will damage their relationship with their brother too.
Put your son first

PerveenMistry · 06/09/2020 18:35

@NewFactsEmerge

How classic is this?

OP posts about awful relationship between DP and DS, pp tell OP to put DS first

OP then defends DP and says it isn't all that bad really.....

Are we reading the same thread? The only thing OP is defending is herself, because people can't read her posts properly and keep asking why she had a child with this guy when she quite clearly said he wasn't like this when they had their daughter. In response to being told she should put her DS first and separate, she said

"thank you. I think deep down that’s the only option"

and

"I know what I need to do. Think I was just hoping for some kind of magic solution that someone had worked out from being in the same situation. I am so scared of being a single mum with 2 small children."

In my observation, women generally say "ooh but he changed so much" to excuse themselves when everyone else could see the train wreck coming a mile away.

Whether the boyfriend changed or not, her son has absolutely had the short end of the stick his entire life. And I don't see that changing. Tragic.

Friendsoftheearth · 06/09/2020 18:35

Your son has no one in the world but you, even your other two children will have a father, your child is relying on you to care and protect him - I think you allow this to continue at your peril.

Your little boy will not always be small, he will grow up into an angry and damaged young man that has been let down by every adult in his life, and then your problems really will begin.

Even if you can't leave for him, you should be leaving for your other two very young and yet to born children whom will be caught up in the crosswinds of this for their entire childhood.

Can you see where this is all going op? Can you? Because I understand why it might be scary, but you have to fast forward five years...please.

CometCupidDonnerBlitzen · 06/09/2020 18:35

Dps relationship with my son has ruined our family

Your Dp has ruined it by not being the grownup. You need to put your son first and cut your losses.

Rabblemum · 06/09/2020 18:38

Get rid of this bully right now. Your 10 year old son is being abused and this will damage him for the rest of his life. This man is a jealous little child who wants you all to himself, he’s pathetic.

TheWernethWife · 06/09/2020 18:39

My granddaughter was 12 when her mum died, she went to live with her dad and his new wife and her two children (not his). Granddaughter didn't even have a chest/cupboard in which to put her clothes in. New stepmother told her she'd make her life a "f***g misery".

She'd come home from school and see her dad playing happy families and leaving her out of things. It broke my heart, she could have lived with us but wanted her dad.

On her 13th birthday we had to meet in a café with her presents, madam had locked her out of the house and he had gone to the pub to watch football. She had to have therapy
in the end.

MaeveDidIt · 06/09/2020 18:39

@asofanearyou
You are being very naive - leopards don't change their spots.

If this doesn't stop her poor DS is going to be very fucked-up.

She needs to show her total commitment and support to him now.

Someone who bullies an 8-10 year-old (that's how long it's been going on in this case) is a seriously deep-rooted nasty bastard.

tornadoalley · 06/09/2020 18:39

It sounds as though the DP is on the same emotional level as your DS.

Laundrywoman · 06/09/2020 18:39

@butterpuffed

Many posters seem to relish being as nasty as they can for odd reasons best known to themselves and don't believe in supporting someone who wants support and advice. Hmm
I agree, some posters seem to relish sticking the boot in. It's got particularly bad recently.
Dastardlythefriendlymutt · 06/09/2020 18:42

Get rid asap.

Unfortunately he behaved for 5 years until you had a baby then became abusive to your son. Unfortunately that is a risk with that comes with starting a new family and you always have to be prepared to walk away immediately (because 1 day of abuse is 1 day too long) because your children come first.

Children are bullied sk much in and out of school. They need their home to be a safe space. Right now your son doesn't have any respite, he has no place where he knows he is loved and appreciated unconditionally. Yout son deserves that, fix it

Friendsoftheearth · 06/09/2020 18:43

I can't actually believe some of the posts saying it is the child's fault even though op has clearly stated:

he purposely says things to escalate an argument and setting him up for failure

But dp will just say stuff to him he knows is going to end in an argument

My dp just hates him basically

How anyone can be blaming a ten year old for this is beyond me!!

The onus is on us as adults to rise above the pre teen behaviour that every child displays, it is on us to build relationships with our step children once we have committed to a blended family and certainly our responsibility to not damage, hurt or humiliate a young child in our care.