Dps relationship with my son has ruined our family

[16more]

My ds is from a previous relationship (his dad is an arsehole and not really around). He’s almost 10 and really has an attitude can be really rude and has to be told multiple times before he does something. (Doesn’t anyone’s kids?!). My dp just hates him basically. Doesn’t make any effort to have a real relationship with him anymore cos he just thinks he’s a horrible rude little boy. To me it feels like he purposely says things to escalate an argument and setting him up for failure. I know how difficult ds is and I’m not blind to it I do discipline him. But dp will just say stuff to him he knows is going to end in an argument. Really don’t know what to do
We have our dd together who has just turned 2 and also baby number 3 on the way so I’m completely heart broken but I really don’t see how we can continue as a family when they can’t even spend a full day together without coming to blows and my dp flying off the handles and just storming out the house.

Hello OP. I'm sorry firstly you're in such a shit situation and secondly that judgemental knobs have attacked you on this thread.

If your DP got on ok with your son before then surely the relationship has some chance of being salvaged? It seems clear that the arrival of the new baby probably set something off in your 10 yo - understandably so. He may have some jealousy issues knowing his dad has fucked off and left him, while his lucky baby sister has both her parents here. He reacts against you both, due to fear of rejection, but your DP takes it personally and makes it worse by antagonising him further.
I'd try family counselling/therapy - make it clear to your DP that this is an ultimatum and he has to fix his relationship with your son otherwise you will call it off with him.

Your poor son is feeling angry and rejected and lashing out desperately to test your love as parents for him, and your DP is failing that test. He needs to get a grip and stop acting like a child himself because he's a grown man.

Good luck OP. None of this is your fault. You can get through it though. All the best

What have you decided to do @16more?

I hope you choose to protect your child from your boyfriend. Growing up in a house where he’s not wanted will seriously impact his mental health.

@Nanny0gg absolutely. Money will be tight but we’ll be ok I think. Just already worried about juggling a new born and 2 year old with him here just in the evening let alone not at all. I am putting my son first.
@Rhine Just because I haven’t left the relationship yet it doesn’t mean I’m choosing my partner over him. I just need the courage to end it and accept I’ll be all on my own with the children, with no friends and a mother who unfortunately isn’t very maternal or helpful.

@msflibble thank you for such a lovely response. I do sometimes think surely it can be salvaged but perhaps in the last 2 years my DS has grown up a bit too much, I’m wondering now that maybe they only got on because he was younger and more spongey- now he has his own interests that DP isn’t interested in etc. So I wouldn’t even know where to start
@VodselForDinner he’s got to go.

Does DH know it’s so serious that you might leave the relationship? If that isn’t enough to make him seriously think about how he can improve the relationship then he actually isn’t worthy it.

Surely he worries about the relationship? He wants things to change? Or does he think it’s all

Oh God what a messy situation, your son hasn't even reached difficult age yet.

Hes acting like an arse because he's learned that hes disposable, you're at a crossroads now and you know that or you wouldn't be here. he's gonna get bigger and stronger and angrier and once the hormones kick in he'll be more difficult to reason with.

With respect its time to shit or get off the pot.

@Sharpandshineyteeth he does know. He thinks I’m a soft touch and that his behaviour towards my ds is acceptable.

Have you spoken to your DS and asked him what he wants? , how he feels?
I,m sorry you feel under attack by some of the posters but it is a very emotive subject, many of them feel a sense of urgency that you remove this boy from an adult who seems to have very little empathy.

It can sound meolodramatic when your living a daly life but these experiences for your child will have far reaching consequenses.
There are many older posters who have seen the damage inflicted on children, this will go on and on.

Maybe your son never liked him but couldn't answer back, maybe his bad behaviour is a sign that he's given up on you protecting him and believes he's on his own, and he,d better toughen up and fight back?

Who knows? but you won't know until your son feels totally secure and away from this family dynamic, maybe he'll never trust you again to open up.

His siblings could scapegoat him themselves as to court favour with their dad further adding to his isolation.

When your son is older, maybe married with children himself, it affects grandchildren who can be pushed away as they are not 'blood'.... your future DIL may resent you for not putting him first, it can be heart breaking.

You cannot possibly see the ramifications of your choices today, but I think people are gueinuinly concerned, he is alone and has no voice please put him first.

You, youself are concerned about this situation trust your senses, you posted this, there is no magic answer to make this relationship work.
Has your son got any grandparents that are close to him?
I hope so.

You sound like an understanding woman who is asking for advice but deep down you know the ultimate question your son is asking

Have you picked him above me?

@Kittykat93

There's an awful lot of 'unplanned' pregnancies on here. Are you using contraception or not? This is an awful situation to be bringing yet another child into. Your son will be pushed out and bullied even more. Don't care if I sound judgemental, fed up of reading on here innocent babies being brought into shit situations and existing children also suffering for it.

No one can ever have an abortion either, regardless of how shitty the situation.

You need to address this ASAP before it ruins your relationship with your son.

I say that as the wife of a man with no relationship with his mother because of the shit childhood she subjected him to became of his arsehole stepdad.

Hopefully it’s not too late for you.

*because of

This man is not a fit stepfather for your son if he is constantly provoking him. He is teaching your son all about defiance and disrespect.
Your son is unhappy, not naughty.

As time goes on you will find DS more and more difficult to manage. Teenagers who don't get on with Stepdad/Stepmum often start staying out late just to avoid confrontation and can get into all sorts of trouble.

You need to act now to save your relationship with your son. He is surely more important than his stepfather. You know what you should do.

I’m wondering now that maybe they only got on because he was younger and more spongey- now he has his own interests that DP isn’t interested in etc
are you saying your partner reacts badly when your son isnt interested in the same things that he is?
If so this is alarming, he experiences a difference of taste as insubordination/implied criticism?
He sounds very 'primitive'...no impulse control, everything in black and white terms, unable to comprehend nuance.
Is that him, is that his character?

I would get some support around your son's behaviour. He's probably struggling because his own dad is useless and his step dad hates him openly. His mum is having another baby with this man that means he will get even less attention from the one person he does love so he's acting up. Maybe try to spend some time one on one with him regularly and build up some bonding. Be firm with his boundaries but make sure you're showing him lots of love and attention too. He's going through a big life change and on top of that he will be starting with the dreaded hormones. You need to have a frank conversation with your partner. If he can't build a bond with your son then the relationship should end because he is damaging your son and he is the adult in this situation. Maybe they for spend some time together too?

If they've got on well for the past few years I doubt he hates your son probably is more frustrated by him and doesn't know how to deal with him.

What does he say to wind him up 'have you done your homework' 'have you tidied your room'? We're all jumping to conclusions mumsnet fashion, he's a man so obviously a bastard'

So are you anticipating co-parenting the two that are his?

Put your son first.

Family life with a father and a mother and biological offspring is not a recipe for a perfect life. Bring step-parents and stepchildren into the mix and it messes things up even further.

There will be an underlying reason for this trouble between the child and the new partner which won't go away if it has degenerated to the stage where people get angry and shout and insult each other.

OP you should have been on the ball long before now and stopped this from escalating. It's your duty to look after your son - even if he has turned into a little shit, you should have seen the signs and nipped it in the bud.

Only you know why and only you can do something about it.

Your bloke can look after himself but your kid can't OP

@16more - I think that, given the atmosphere in the house now must be very disruptive for all concerned, it will probably be easier than you think to manage once your DP has gone. He will probably still see his bio children, but I wouldn't let him have unfettered access to your son, even if he asks.

But you must also have a conversation with your son - and consider getting some counselling for him about this situation. The reason being that he can't be allowed to think that it's his "fault" that you've split with his stepfather. He's already lost one dad through uselessness on that man's part; he needs to know that this is down to his stepfather's bad behaviour.

He may continue to play up once you split; or he may change completely. It's hard to know but if you can open good lines of communication with him, it will help enormously.

I have a friend whose son's father is an utter bastard, but his stepfather was an emotionally abusive cunt too. My friend split with her 2nd DH because of the abuse - but her son continues to see him, despite that abusive nature of the man, because he DOES feel that he has driven 1 father off and doesn't want to be responsible for the 2nd one leaving too. He has ASD, so it's much harder to shift ideas in his head once he's got them embedded, but he's slowly coming to the realisation that this man isn't good for him either, as he's getting older.

So I use this as a cautionary tale - make it very clear to your son that it is his stepfather at fault, because he is a grown up [supposedly] who is acting the wrong way.

If your DP refuses to listen to you in terms of how he deals with your son, then he's not worth keeping, regardless of all the bleeding hearts on here. YOU are your boy's mother and, as has been said by others, YOU are the only person he has to defend him.

As has also been said, your son is coming into the more challenging age - puberty isn't that far away - his behaviour isn't going to magically improve while he's feeling attacked, it's going to get worse and with the testosterone-fuelling, it's going to become a war zone. :(
Another friend has lived through this and saw both her older sons driven off by their stepfather - they were 18 and 16 by then, but that's still not right - and it was full on alpha male crap. Unimpressive on her part but luckily her older sons have made decent lives for themselves now.

Good luck x

Can you give some examples of what DH says to him and the responses.

Everyone is assuming it's your DH but you've said your DH has attitude and is rude.

If you aren't ensuring DS is behaving then it could be DH is frustrated and trying to get DS back on course. His attitude is only going to get worse when he gets older. We have a teenager here and it stinks trust me.

You have to put your children first in these situations. Your son does sound like hard work and unfortunately when a boy has an arsehole of a father then they can too turn into one unless you can guide them away from that path. My best friend is in a similar situation. Her son is vile to her and her DP but it’s all from the influence he gets when spending time with his deadbeat dad. It’s tragic to see and must be so hard to live with. You can’t have this though so will have to have the chat and then if it doesn’t improve then you will have to end things.

Sounds to me as if you actually have 2 males struggling at not being the centre of your attention and are acting out with each other for attention, now you have a third child on the way ...they will get even less and are vying for top spot in the attention Olympics.

If it was me I would be treating them both as being right out of order, lay down the 10 points of age appropriate law of best bloody behaviour. Tell each what you expect from both or face age appropriate consequences. Son sounds like a child who is desperately insecure, with all these half siblings popping out, he needs hyper reassurance and inclusion. SD is a grown man playing at being a 10yr old. But he needs to grow up and recognise his behaviour is affirming your sons belief his SD will care more about his own kids than your son. SD needs to step up. How you manage that and how they respond will tell you what you need to do going forward. But a grown man not realising how insecure his Step Son is feeling and coping ...shows a dire lack of mature thinking 😢

I hope you find a solution for you all. Family therapy might help if you think the situation is worth fighting for. X

Saw both her older sons driven off by their stepfather
Sadly this caveman behaviour is not uncommon:(

Ffs. @Kittykat93 it took such a long time to fall pregnant with our dd who was planned. Our relationship was fine at that point obviously. It wasn’t until after she was born that this started.

So basically you weren’t on contraception? Even though you say he started being a dick after your daughter was born?

@Beefcurtains79 did I asked to be judged on the fact that I’ve accidentally fallen pregnant? If you have nothing constructive to say why would you even bother writing anything? Does an unplanned pregnancy really bother you that much?? You’ve obviously got too much time on your hands

I really appreciate everyone’s relevant comments on this difficult situation. Definitely needed to hear from people outside how stupid I’m being. Thank you all but unfollowing the thread now as too many judgemental idiots trying to knock me further isn’t helping xx