Dps relationship with my son has ruined our family

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My ds is from a previous relationship (his dad is an arsehole and not really around). He’s almost 10 and really has an attitude can be really rude and has to be told multiple times before he does something. (Doesn’t anyone’s kids?!). My dp just hates him basically. Doesn’t make any effort to have a real relationship with him anymore cos he just thinks he’s a horrible rude little boy. To me it feels like he purposely says things to escalate an argument and setting him up for failure. I know how difficult ds is and I’m not blind to it I do discipline him. But dp will just say stuff to him he knows is going to end in an argument. Really don’t know what to do
We have our dd together who has just turned 2 and also baby number 3 on the way so I’m completely heart broken but I really don’t see how we can continue as a family when they can’t even spend a full day together without coming to blows and my dp flying off the handles and just storming out the house.

I agree with pp that he is just starting to have issues with your son now because your son is growing up and developing independent will.

Also that he probably changed after the birth of your daughter because he felt that that was you trapped now.

This is very sad and extremely difficult for you but I agree with everyone and with you that you need to leave your partner.

What about some counselling for you and your son?
Good luck.

I don't thi k it is totally normal for a child to need to be told loads of times to do stuff and act shitty. But he's likely doing this because he feels nothing he does is right and your partner basically bullies him.

Your dp describes dc as a ‘horrible little boy’. It makes me wonder whether you are blinkered to dc’s behaviour. Yes, maybe dp can make more of an effort, but maybe it’s dc’s fault as well. You say dp antagonise dc. Is it because you deliberately don’t say anything that could cause an issue, to keep the peace, whilst dp is less restrained?

Leave your partner. Your primary concern should be your children. Your son is testing the boundaries and playing up because he has picked up the household vibe that any behaviour, bad or good, will provoke a reaction. He knows he is not the priority in the family so his outbursts reflect his feeling of being on the side-lines. He needs to be protected from this man, as things could turn physically violent as the boy gets bigger. If social services heard about your current set up, they would certainly take an interest. Your son is exposed to emotional and verbal abuse from an adult in your household. You are not protecting your child from this by getting rid of abusive partner.

Clearly it will be hard for you, but you must put your children first. Additionally, you may wish to explore a diagnosis of ADHD with your GP. It may well be the case that your son requires a paediatric assessment.

My dp just hates him basically. Doesn’t make any effort to have a real relationship with him anymore cos he just thinks he’s a horrible rude little boy

You are with a man who "hates" your son. That's why people have reacted the way they have on here.

Of course he's acting out. He's been rejected by his biological father and now his mother is allowing him to be bullied in his own home. Another rejection, from you and from your partner.

Step up. Put your child first. Imagine being bullied in what should be your safe place. You're a grown adult who is upset just watching it. He is a child who it's actually happening to and has no agency over the big decisions in his life. You do. This poor kid.

I get that it's been horrible to read the responses but that doesn't come from a place of fundamentally disliking you, nobody here knows you, it comes from a place of people feeling protective of a kid who has been rejected on all fronts.

You are no failure. You see what is happening and want to take action. Do what you need to do, please take care 💐.

Op, this needs to he sorted quickly as entering teen years will just cause your son to react with resentment and anger which could be physical or he may turn the anger inwards, depression and drugs. I suspect this started when your son started to develop autonomy which is around 7-8, no longer completely compliant but flexing and learning boundaries.

How does your son behave at school? Appreciate it won't have been recent.

If your partner refuses to take on board changes to his parenting style then you have no solution but to end the relationship.
Your partner is likely to also bully his own children when they start to show autonomy,
it's more likely his natural bullying style that some parents adopt. I imagine he had a similar upbringing.

Being a single parent is difficult but it's much easier when you have a peaceful house. Finances will get sorted, there is always a way. Do you have family support?

At the moment you have control of this situation, you can move out, organise your life with your children and protect them.

Or you can wait until this situation has spiralled out of control, with SS involvement, police and all the rest. I can't see how this will not continue, and get worse op. Particularly when you factor in the demands of a newborn baby. I would be extremely worried for all of you.

Do you have RL support from family and friends? Can you tell them what is happening?

Probably because you have your younger child together and he feels his feet are well and truly under the table, and because your son is starting to get older and more challenging, he's turned into a bullying arsehole.

Please kick him into touch and put your son ahead of the relationship - he's still only little really, and he needs you - and entering into his teens with an abusive stepfather will be a living nightmare for all of you.

Some men just can't cope with older kids. They are fine with biddable babies and toddlers, and primary aged children, but once hormones come into play they just hate it. They don't want to be challenged and have no way of dealing with problems diplomatically. Even biological dads with their own children can struggle. Adolescents can be hard work.

It's tough, because you've got no way of knowing if your partner is this type of person until you've got children of this age. A man who's been fine and a great dad can suddenly become Mr Autocratic and start throwing his weight around.

I don't know what to suggest, OP. I feel for your DS, but suspect that your partner is probably going to be the same to the other two children ultimately, when they get old enough.

If its only started in the last year or so then its probably the lad growing through puberty and pushing boundaries. Not easy for your partner either as he's not the boys father he may feel unable to exert any sort of control on him other than get angry and leaving the area. He may not 'hate' him he may simply have given up. Hopefully you've spoken to your partner about how its affecting you. It can't be good for any of you living like that.

Have you tried family counselling?

Bloody hell OP I wouldn't give up just yet. It sounds like your DP is massively struggling with this new stage of parenting. Could you go on a parenting course together to agree a way forward and also try some family counselling? I agree the dynamic needs to change but I wouldn't chuck it all in while pregnant.

10 is really still quite young. With a bit of work you can turn things around and all have an easier life. Your boy has had a lot if changes in his life, a shit dad, an immature bully of a step dad, a new sibling and another in the way with all the other issues of lockdown. You need to ditch the loser partner and spend time with your boy. Create a safe wee family for him and let him know that he is important.

Personally I would leave the relationship rather than risk ruining my relationship with my first born. It it were me.

He is only 10 and shouldn't be stuck living with someone who hates him.

It's a sorry situation to be bringing another child in to.

Your poor little boy, living with a SD who treats him like this, a man that you choose to be with. The poor boy is also dealing with the fact that his biological father has little/nothing to do with him. He must feel like a little spec of dirt who no one likes.

Whatever the route that led to this point, you are now in a relationship with a man who is a bully to your little boy. Yes children can be unbelievably difficult, but it is the adult's job to love, nurture and help a child with negative behaviours - NOT to bully the poor child and act totally immaturely themselves and hence make the child's behaviour worse and destroy the child's self-esteem.

Your job, OP, is to protect your DS. If your DP won't change, and change drastically, you need to leave him to protect your DS. Good luck OP

Seeing as the OP has chosen to carry on with this pregnancy and has a 2 year just ditching the DP isn't going to be a magic bullet. She's going to struggle with a newborn and a 2 year old. And it's not as if this man is going to disappear. He's going to come to see his kids and very much be a part of their lives. The OP needs to explore all the options of counselling/parenting courses and really sorting the issue out before pulling the big red handle.

You’re not a failure as a parent, OP. But if you allow this to continue.....

It’ll be difficult to leave, but there are no other solutions. I wish you well.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. But your priority has to be your little boy; not that you need us telling you that.

I think you already know this relationship is over. He needs to leave as soon as physically possible.

What an awful time for you to be pregnant and as terrifyingly daunting as it will be to start over, you will be absolutely fine. I would also guarantee that you'll have a different son six weeks after your husband is out of his life. It's shocking how children can change when they live in a home they're respected.

Additionally, I would be worried for your safety and that of your other two. Abusers always pick a first target and their behaviour only escalates. He doesn't respect you or care for you enough to treat your child with kindness, what makes you think he won't do the same to you?

Look after your kids and look after yourself, fuck him. He's not worth your time and heart break.

How far on is your pregnancy, 16more?

Why would the OP want to leave 2 other children fatherless? What about their lives?

OP you admit that your son is difficult and can be rude - how is this addressed in the house? Do you support your partner when he disciplines him for his behaviour? How do you discipline him? You said their relationship was fine for several years so what changed?

Some men just can't cope with older kids. They are fine with biddable babies and toddlers, and primary aged children, but once hormones come into play they just hate it. They don't want to be challenged and have no way of dealing with problems diplomatically. Even biological dads with their own children can struggle.

Absolutely this. My late husband had that problem - the moment our DDs started developing a mind and will of their own, he couldn't handle it. He genuinely believed they were bad kids because they weren't sweet biddable little girls any more. With two males, there's also the head butting over who is the alpha male in the family.

Theoretically, family therapy could sort this out - but that would depend on your DP admitting he was getting things wrong and all of you being willing to put in the work to change.

Your poor son. Your DP sounds like a real bully.

Please put your son first.....

You say they had a good relationship for 4 years. Can you pinpoint what has changed apart from the introduction of a new baby. Has the child’s behaviour changed or has your dp behaviour changed? Is your dp trying to put boundaries in place which are being ignored? Do you support him with enforcing boundaries and good behaviour or do you excuse it as he is a child?
I can sympathise with your dp if your sons behaviour has become increasingly bad and he is left being the bad guy in the situation by trying to put in boundaries.
Children are children but there are still consequences to their behaviour which can be very damaging to the family unit and in some instances far beyond. I would be cautious at upheaving the stability of your other two children of the core of this is behaviour of you son. If on the other hand it is behaviour of your dp then this is different. I hope you can get to the root of it, and wish you well.