Dps relationship with my son has ruined our family

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My ds is from a previous relationship (his dad is an arsehole and not really around). He’s almost 10 and really has an attitude can be really rude and has to be told multiple times before he does something. (Doesn’t anyone’s kids?!). My dp just hates him basically. Doesn’t make any effort to have a real relationship with him anymore cos he just thinks he’s a horrible rude little boy. To me it feels like he purposely says things to escalate an argument and setting him up for failure. I know how difficult ds is and I’m not blind to it I do discipline him. But dp will just say stuff to him he knows is going to end in an argument. Really don’t know what to do
We have our dd together who has just turned 2 and also baby number 3 on the way so I’m completely heart broken but I really don’t see how we can continue as a family when they can’t even spend a full day together without coming to blows and my dp flying off the handles and just storming out the house.

Good idea having two children with a man who dislikes your first born.

The priority should be dealing with this as a family not encouraging the OP to leave 2 more children without a father

Her son ISNT the priority above all else - he has equal status with the two siblings - why should they suffer?

The sons behaviour needs getting a handle on too

@WildUnknown

So frustrating to see so many threads like this either from the point of view of a Mum whose DH/DP hates their kids or a stepmum who hates their DH/DPs kids

Literally so many people are so selfish and put their own happiness above the happiness of powerless children caught in the shuffle.

You should never have tried for a second baby with a man who hates your son.

Your son should not have to live with an adult who hates him and it's your job to rectify that.

This. Time after time. Foist 'partners' on their trapped children, bring more kids into the mix (usually that they can't afford) and then blame everyone put themselves when it goes tits up.

Why would the OP want to leave 2 other children fatherless? What about their lives?

Why is it okay for the other two children to grow up with a man that feels it is okay to bully their sibling? And that is before we have even got to the teen years. And you are assuming he is not going to treat his own children that way in time? I think that is a massive and dangerous assumption to make?

What about the damage to DS? Does that not matter? What issues and problems will arise from this is irrelevant?? DS is just fodder for the other too?

No child should ever feel 'hated' whatever they have done or not done at ten years old. No child should feel so much hostility in their own home. It is terrible situation for that poor child. ivfbeenbusy

I have noticed very often that second partners, or husbands, are able to have a better relationship with mothers' previous daughters than any sons - just as animals in the wild will kill the previous male offspring.
You have to do the best you can for your son.

is it this year?
ie the virus situation?
school being off for so long?

is it the two alphamales?

Her son ISNT the priority above all else well he certainly should be if he is being bullied

I’m shocked that you continued to have children with a man that does not get on with your son . Your DP sounds childish. Pout your son first and get rid of him.

@Tomatoesneedtoripen

is it the two alphamales?

What do you mean by this? The OPs son is a 10 yr old child not an ‘alpha male’

he might think he is an alphamale

Your son has known his SD since he was 4 years old and they used to get on fine. Does your son's bad behaviour date from when your daughter was born? How does your son get on with his little sister?

Wow. Responses on this thread are crazy.

OP even biological parents can react badly to rude children. He needs education on how to deal with this without escalating. How attitude is bad but I don't think you're an awful mother for being with him as some idiots are suggesting on this thread.

Your son needs more compassion from your dp and he needs to be on board with delivering that. It sounds like your son has been through a lot with his dad and your partner needs to be more sensitive.

Why have you had 2 kids by a man who hates DC1?

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd what an absolutely heartless, cuntish and presumptive thing to post on somebody's thread asking for advice. What the fuck is wrong with people. This woman is a real person and her subsequent children are real people too. Absolutely twattish thing to write.

how is he with the 2 year old?
your dh that is?

Poor you OP, this is by no means as clear cut a situation as some PPs suggest. All may not be lost, but I understand why you feel you have no good options.

Simply too much for you to resolve alone. I'd add a vote to the suggestions above of family therapy so you, DS and DP can all put your perspectives and get support to improve things. The Institute of Family Therapy is a lower cost option if you're around London: ift.org.uk/therapy/issues-relating-to-divorce-separation-step-parenting-and-lone-parenting/

I cannot fathom why you would let a man who hate a child stay in your house. What kind of weirdo hates a 10yo child for behaving like a 10yo child?
Why would you allow your child to suffer this kind of psychological damage?
This man needs to leave and you need to try and make sure your child feels safe and loved.

I stopped readin at your DP hates your son.

I hope you have deep pockets for the therapy he will need.

The comments are harsh, not to make your life "shittier" but to make you sit up and listen that you should be putting your child first.

My mother chose her boyfriend over me. I spent 16 years in care. It was horrific. Even knowing I didn't come first was bad enough.

My OH attitude towards my DS change when he became older and we had more DC. He was very confrontational towards my DS, it really became daddy gorilla and baby with step dad trying to ensure he was boss, he would even get jealous if I made my DS a cooked breakfast but didnt offer him ( i made it for my DS and his close friend who had just lost his mum and they were staying the night) my OH was in bed....i am not surprised he is loving towards his own DC.....I had to have a very difficult conversation with my OH as I wasnt having him bullying my DS and making him feel like he wasnt part of our family...I was clear that he changed his attitude or he was out

It’s impossible to tell from your posts whether your DP is entirely at fault or whether your parenting is a contributory factor. You haven’t said what your DS is doing that is rude and horrible (there’s a huge range of possibilities), and you haven’t shed any light on your parenting style.

If an objective observer would also say he is rude and horrible this absolutely needs to be understood and dealt with. There are enough other posts on here about young men who have grown up undisciplined, lazy and unemployable for this to be a real risk. (In general of course - it may be that your DS is actually lovely and your DP is entirely unreasonable - again, you have not given enough detail).

It’s possible this could be worked on together in family therapy if everyone wants that. I’d have thought that it would be worth exploring as an alternative to ending the relationship.

@JorisBonson

You could start by putting your son first. How awful for him to live with a man who openly hates him.

This.

Why on earth would anyone be having additional children with a man who is so devastating to her child?? It beggars belief.

@ukgift2016

Good idea having two children with a man who dislikes your first born.

Well he didn't always, it's recent.

@missyB1

Well don’t just blame your partner after all you have put yourself and your son in this situation too. And you thought it was a good idea to have a couple more kids whilst your eldest has clearly got some issues going on? His real dad, your partner, and you have all had a hand in creating this. Time to decide on priorities.

This poor boy doesn't have a single functioning adult in his life. Tragic.

[quote CloudyVanilla]@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd what an absolutely heartless, cuntish and presumptive thing to post on somebody's thread asking for advice. What the fuck is wrong with people. This woman is a real person and her subsequent children are real people too. Absolutely twattish thing to write.[/quote]
You're entitled to your opinion. I find it incredibly 'cuntish' to subject a 10-year-old child to a man who 'hates' him and continue procreating with such an adult and ask what the fuck is wrong with a parent who does this. Poor kid.