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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dps relationship with my son has ruined our family

209 replies

16more · 06/09/2020 15:25

My ds is from a previous relationship (his dad is an arsehole and not really around). He’s almost 10 and really has an attitude can be really rude and has to be told multiple times before he does something. (Doesn’t anyone’s kids?!). My dp just hates him basically. Doesn’t make any effort to have a real relationship with him anymore cos he just thinks he’s a horrible rude little boy. To me it feels like he purposely says things to escalate an argument and setting him up for failure. I know how difficult ds is and I’m not blind to it I do discipline him. But dp will just say stuff to him he knows is going to end in an argument. Really don’t know what to do
We have our dd together who has just turned 2 and also baby number 3 on the way so I’m completely heart broken but I really don’t see how we can continue as a family when they can’t even spend a full day together without coming to blows and my dp flying off the handles and just storming out the house.

OP posts:
Redcups64 · 06/09/2020 17:32

I’d tell him to grow up, stop with the snarky behaviour and lead by example.

He is part of the family weather he likes it or not, your supposed to all be a team pulling in the same direction so he beat buck his ideas up!

I wouldn’t put up with a husband acting like a atrophy teenager!

Original poster
16more · 06/09/2020 17:33

@2bazookas And everyone else commenting on my choice to have a child with him. if you read the thread then you would have seen that this wasn’t happening when we had our dd.

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/09/2020 17:34

What ever you decide to do OP you need to find a solution and fast.It will be harder when the new baby comes and your son will get pushed out further.He is a child,he might be a trying child but he knows no better,He sounds like he is desperate for any attention and your partner is too ignorant to see it.That little boy was your first child and deserves your love and support whatever is going on.I would be speaking to your partner and suggest he tries extremely hard to win your son round,he has a lot of work to do or he looses you all.They need to find some commn ground to start from with dp bending alot to make this child trust him and feel like he is wanted..if he doesnt do that then its game over..it has to be this way for your little boy.Your inaction is enabling this to continue and wreck your boys life....you need to lay your intentions down firmly and fast.

lyralalala · 06/09/2020 17:34

Pregnancy is a classic time for abuse to begin.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 06/09/2020 17:36

the third one was not planned, doesnt anyone read the op

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 06/09/2020 17:36

is your ds going back to school tomorrow?
can you have some nice time with him?

PerveenMistry · 06/09/2020 17:38

@CustardySergeant

Your son has known his SD since he was 4 years old and they used to get on fine. Does your son's bad behaviour date from when your daughter was born? How does your son get on with his little sister?
It doesn't matter. The boyfriend should not be tormenting the boy. I'm appalled at those trying to excuse the adults in this scenario.

Her first duty, having picked in her words an arsehole as her son's father, was to focus on ameliorating that and giving the boy the best possible life. Not on her love life and creating a second family with a new arsehole.

PerveenMistry · 06/09/2020 17:39

@Tomatoesneedtoripen

the third one was not planned, doesnt anyone read the op

That's even worse, frankly.

Heffalooomia · 06/09/2020 17:40

OP, this will only get worse, your H feels challenged by the presence of another male and doesnt have the self control/insight/intellect to behave responsibly
either that or he is deliberately cruel.
When your son reaches puberty he will be far more challenged and things will escalate, I feel that you are somewhat in 'FOG' (fear obligation guilt) please understand what's really going on.

Notcontent · 06/09/2020 17:40

I think it’s often easier to deal with bad or annoying behaviour in younger children because they are, after all, small children. As they get older, they start asserting their independence, they talk back, etc and that can be harder to deal with. The problem is that if it’s your child, you just deal with it and of course you love them anyway. I find my 14 year old exasperating at times, and she can make me feel incredibly angry - but she is my world.

But some step parents never develop that unconditional love for their step children and can’t deal with them when they become less than perfect.

This needs to be sorted or it will completely ruin your son’s life and your relationship with him.

Greysparkles · 06/09/2020 17:42

I think from what you've posted alot of these responses are completely uncalled for.

You've provided no context to what actually happens at home.
What does DS do? How does DP respond ect.

I won't vilify a man and tell you to chuck your relationship way with this smidgen on information

HappyDays10101 · 06/09/2020 17:43

‘Why would the OP want to leave 2 other children fatherless‘

That’s a daft comment - they won’t be ‘fatherless’ at all. They will still have a father, and I know plenty of separated parents who manage shared residency fine. They will only be ‘fatherless’ if their father wants them to be and fucks off!

mcmooberry · 06/09/2020 17:43

This has already been touched upon by PPs but I wanted to agree that it isn't always step parents that do this, my DH is wound up to a ridiculous degree by our DS's (11) behaviour, things like needing to be asked multiple times to do anything, leaving his shoes and school bag scattered around, not practising his instrument, having to be nagged to do homework, going in a temper when he (DH) cuts off the internet so he has to stop gaming. Anyone witnessing it would think my DH dislikes him intensely and if he was a step-father I would assume it too. My DH also was great with babies, would sit up all night with them if they had a cold and couldn't sleep lying down etc etc. I sometimes say to my DH can you please just have a positive interaction with DS for once but the cheeky behaviour seems to drive him insane. Not sure what the answer is, I think you need to work on the pair of them (as I do)

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/09/2020 17:48

I have just re read your Op..and yes it bothered me that much I had to read it again...by your dp storming out and creating an atmosphere where your little boy knows full well he is not wanted its abuse of the worst kind,,mental abuse is horrific for people to deal with...you cannot subject your child to this any longer,,,you just cant..I have a picture in my head of your 9 year old and I have an 8 yr old who sees things and nows things and feels things an dI cannot imagine her having to live like your child does...Imagine coming in from school and facing hostility,of not being made to feel like you belong in your own home safe and secure,of not having someone on your side regardless...a small child like that and thinking about it it I think what made me re read and re comment was the fact that you as his mum as his whole world and protector you his everything are asking really what you should do.....its so not right this situation..If your boy sees you playing happy families with his sister yet not him it must be soul destroying for him to fathom out...its scary the damage that is happening to your little boy I am sorry but it is. I cannot tell you how reading your post has upset me for your boy it must be a living nightmare.

BingoGo · 06/09/2020 17:49

Sorry for the tough replies you've gotten, OP. It's never easy to just break up a family and essentially start a whole new way of living as a single mother of almost 3.

I agree that your son must come before your partner. I'm sad that your daughter's parents will break up but at this age she won't know any other life, same with the new little one. Your son however, will remember his step-dad hating him and obviously he shouldn't live like this.

You can do it, OP! You can leave him and do this on your own. Flowers

BigFatLiar · 06/09/2020 17:49

You need to talk with your partner about the situation. Leaving the room when angry is a good thing it removes him from the problem. He should however not get angry. If your son is rude and doesn't do as he's told your partner should leave him alone. Not his problem. Well it is in that he shares the same house but really he should leave your son to you. It'll be frustrating for him, who wants to live with a rude and lazy lad.

You did say that things had been ok until the last year. Does sound like your lad doesn't like the current situation. Soon to have two siblings. A lot for him to come to terms with. Perhaps he feels side lined or it could be he's at the stage of not being a child and becoming a young man (though he still has a lot of maturing to do). If you and your partner split I suspect you'll have similar problems with any future partner until you son is older. Until he's more mature he wont want anyone else around his mum.

Peachy1381 · 06/09/2020 17:51

Okay. No children here so not talking from experience but if in your heart you think this could be fixable it might be worth trying family mediation or some kind of family counseling to try and improve their relationship?? And from there try and build some positive one on one time between them?

gamerchick · 06/09/2020 17:51

You do know what to do and if you don't, your son's teenage years are going to be an utter nightmare.

You'll end up losing him if you put this man first.

PatriciaPerch · 06/09/2020 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigFatLiar · 06/09/2020 17:53

I have just re read your Op..and yes it bothered me that much I had to read it again...by your dp storming out and creating an atmosphere where your little boy knows full well he is not wanted its abuse of the worst kind,,

On the other hand he could be revelling in it. Despite what is commonly said about poor little children, some are little shits who know what they can get away with.

Roowig2020 · 06/09/2020 17:56

So your dp got his own biological child and then turned against your son? At the same time your sons behaviour may have taken a turn for the worse given the new addition and his sd hate for him. Your dp is the adult here.

Leave if you can. This is only going to get worse. Your son will always be a scapegoat and he'll grow up likely dysfunctional and hate you also.

I hope you gave people around you to help with this transition. Good luck

PerveenMistry · 06/09/2020 17:56

@BigFatLiar

I have just re read your Op..and yes it bothered me that much I had to read it again...by your dp storming out and creating an atmosphere where your little boy knows full well he is not wanted its abuse of the worst kind,,

On the other hand he could be revelling in it. Despite what is commonly said about poor little children, some are little shits who know what they can get away with.

Wow.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/09/2020 17:58

at 9 yrs old...give over...your talking primary school child here learning times tables and sentence structures, still being taken to school etc.Sorry BigFatLiar with al due respect I just cant agree..

TheWindowDonkey · 06/09/2020 17:59

I lived with a man like your dp but he was much more subversive and My mum claims she never saw his behaviour. Its taken me 30 years and hundreds in therapy to get past him. Please out your som first. Your DP is a grown up and should get help with overcoming his behaviour if he wants to live with you again.

RandomMess · 06/09/2020 18:00

It sounds like when DD was born your DS and probs DP reacted badly and that has triggered a whole services of events to where you are now.

Please read the books "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" and then the follow on book "siblings without rivalry"

They are really helpful and practical, if you can get your DP on board there is a chance you can salvage things as a family. In the short term would DP moving out for some space help everyone?

Obviously if things don't change then you will need to cal it a day.

Thanks