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Original poster

The letter from my Son's Mum has arrived.

215 replies

malgrat78 · 05/09/2020 15:27

As some of you maybe aware I have been having an ongoing issue with my Son's Mum who was in a relationship with a drug addict & she was also using. My Son has been living with me for some months now & his Mum has now moved away & trying to get back in contact with him. However, my Son doesn't want any contact which he reconfirmed again last night when he wanted to discuss something with me. His Mum has wrote a letter to him which has come this morning.

I am not sure what to think about it. She does open by saying she hope he is ok & I hope you love been with your Dad & doing well at school. She goes on to say that she is staying with her Mum & she is on the council list & should have her own flat within 12 months.

What I am not too sure about is the next bit. It basically says “I hope that in time you can forgive me for all the trouble I caused, I do regret it. I know you won’t ever come back to live with me, I understand all that but in time I hope I can talk to you” Then the normal I love you lots & lots.

I think her mother may have helped with the context of the letter to be honest. I am a bit uncertain what to think about it especially the forgiveness bit. Should she be mentioning this to a 13-year-old after only been away just over 2 weeks? Surely if he see's this letter & the forgiveness bit he is going to feel pressurized into forgiving her. The destruction she has caused & heartache is not going to be solved in 2 weeks & with a letter. I personally would have centered the letter around my Son & how he was doing & not mentioned anything about forgiveness or my wants.

His mum did message me this morning to see if I had received it which was the 3rd time in 3 days that she has asked. My Son picked the letter up & luckily it was in my name but her writing so I am surprised that he never mentioned it to be honest.

What are people thoughts?

OP posts:
Hangingbasketofdoom · 05/09/2020 15:34

Have you given your son the letter or not?

forrestgreen · 05/09/2020 15:36

Tbh I think it reads ok, he's old enough to know she's behaved badly and bad behaviour can be forgiven. It's up to him whether he chooses to forgive.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 05/09/2020 15:36

@Hangingbasketofdoom

Have you given your son the letter or not?
No as he said he doesn't want any contact and I fear it will unsettle him.
OP posts:
Howyiz · 05/09/2020 15:39

Your son wants no contact with his mum. I really don't understand why you and his mum refuse to accept that.
Respect his wishes and shut down attempts by his mum to do the opposite.

SandyY2K · 05/09/2020 15:40

I agree that talk of forgiveness is undue pressure and I wouldn't give him the letter.

You can tell him she was in contact and said she loves him very much....you can mention that she's with her mum....but that's all I would say.

It's not harmful to hear she loves him.

Actually...her apology is okay to say as well...but no more.

growinggreyer · 05/09/2020 15:40

I think you should let your son know that the letter is here and that he can ask to read it whenever he wants to but that his Mum just wanted to say she is sorry for what has happened and that she still loves him. I think that is the main take away from the letter and probably what he needs to hear. Keep the letter safe as it might mean more to him as he gets older.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 05/09/2020 15:41

@forrestgreen

Tbh I think it reads ok, he's old enough to know she's behaved badly and bad behaviour can be forgiven. It's up to him whether he chooses to forgive.
It is better than I thought it maybe to be honest. I'm not sure how much influence the grandma might have had to the context though.
OP posts:
FelicityPike · 05/09/2020 15:41

I think you should tell him it’s there and if he wants to read it, he should.
I think it reads ok too.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 05/09/2020 15:45

@FelicityPike

I think you should tell him it’s there and if he wants to read it, he should. I think it reads ok too.
Yeah I'm thinking this too. I might tell him I've received a letter and explain what it generally says and he can read it if he wants to.
OP posts:
Hangingbasketofdoom · 05/09/2020 15:49

I don't think it's ok to withhold mail from a teenager. You've read it and there is nothing cruel or awful in it.
Tell him it's there - if he doesn't want to read it hold onto it for him.
I think this could backfire on you at some point if you destroy the letter, as his current feelings about his mum may not last.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 05/09/2020 15:54

I read the other threads and she's a manipulative drug addict. You need to keep the boundaries firm and no contact should mean no contact. Protect your son and respect his wishes by putting the letter away and not letting him see it.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 05/09/2020 15:55

@Hangingbasketofdoom

I don't think it's ok to withhold mail from a teenager. You've read it and there is nothing cruel or awful in it. Tell him it's there - if he doesn't want to read it hold onto it for him. I think this could backfire on you at some point if you destroy the letter, as his current feelings about his mum may not last.
Yeah there's nothing that is cruel or manipulative in it. At least if I tell him I've received one it's up to him to decide if he wants to read it. Then I'm not withholding anything from him. My gut feeling is to tell him and give him the option.
OP posts:
hnhvt · 05/09/2020 15:55

Tell him it's there if he wants to read it. His choice.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 05/09/2020 16:00

@Myotherusernamewastakenagain

I read the other threads and she's a manipulative drug addict. You need to keep the boundaries firm and no contact should mean no contact. Protect your son and respect his wishes by putting the letter away and not letting him see it.
This is what I'm struggling with. What happens if he reads it and wants to contact her, gets his hopes up and she's not done anything to address her issues and falls back into old ways and upsets him again
OP posts:
Haffdonga · 05/09/2020 16:03

Why now? There's no urgency to give it is there? There's nothing in it that ds needs to know immediately. As you decided on your earlier thread wait for a while until ds is back at school and settled and back in counselling.

Your ds has already made it clear that he doesn't want info at the moment about her. I would wait at least until October/ November to mention that she's written and you can show him the letter if he wants (or just tell him the main contents if he prefers).

If you are feeling pressurised by ds's mum and grandma I'd just reply that you have received the letter and that you'll be passing it to ds when he's ready for it if he wants. Explain that this wont be immediately as the priority is him resettling back at school and he doesn't want to hear from her at the moment.

Chloemol · 05/09/2020 16:04

I agree with others, you need to tell him you have had the letter and will keep it safe for him, and he can read it when he wants to

The letter sounds fine to me, she is, at least, being honest now.

In time he may want to build a relationship again, do t be the baddy in this by withholding information

If she contacts you again tell her you have given him the choice to read it, he hasn’t and doesn’t want contact at the moment. But also if she sends h8m other stuff you need to give him the choice about having it.

pointythings · 05/09/2020 16:07

Knowing the backstory I do think that mentioning the forgiveness bit makes it not OK. My late husband was constantly on at DD1 (who hadn't blocked him on her phone) to forgive him - this was within 2 weeks of him being removed from the house by the police after he threatened to kill me. She ended up blocking him. Your ex is an addict and you need to bear this in mind when looking at any of her communications. She still hasn't taken full responsibility for the choices she has made, and I would be very wary of her right now - as long as she isn't doing some form of rehab, she isn't to be trusted. I would let your son know his mum had written and that she is thinking of him and leave it at that. If he asks to read the letter, I'd let him but be with him while he did it.

Oldraver · 05/09/2020 16:07

Nothing has changed since your last threads. Your son has made it quite clear he doesn't wnat any contact with his Mum

You need to listen to this

sadie9 · 05/09/2020 16:08

"This is what I'm struggling with. What happens if he reads it and wants to contact her, gets his hopes up and she's not done anything to address her issues and falls back into old ways and upsets him again"

He needs YOU to be truthful and honest with him. He needs that more than anything. He needs to know he can trust you to tell him the truth.

He's 13 not aged 5. Tell him the letter is there. Otherwise you are lying to him and not being truthful. If he was aged 5 it might be different.

His mother played manipulative games with him.
You have to be honest and fair with him.
Tell him about the letter and also remind him that you are there to love and support him through whatever he faces in life.
Then he has a choice. He knows he can read the letter AND still be safe.
You can't protect him from his uncomfortable feelings. He has to find his own path through this, with your support.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/09/2020 16:09

From my limited experience of someone with an addiction. Stopping does not happen the first time someone tries. Stopping may take dozens of tries. Your son doesn't need to be aware of all of the attempts she is likely to have to stop taking drugs etc. Her mother probably has no idea how she behaves at her worse, your son unfortunately does.

I'd keep the letter for now.

Coffeeandbeans · 05/09/2020 16:14

@growinggreyer

I think you should let your son know that the letter is here and that he can ask to read it whenever he wants to but that his Mum just wanted to say she is sorry for what has happened and that she still loves him. I think that is the main take away from the letter and probably what he needs to hear. Keep the letter safe as it might mean more to him as he gets older.
This. If he finds out there are letters when he is older he will blame you. Better to be honest now.
PatriciaPerch · 05/09/2020 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacobReesMogadishu · 05/09/2020 16:19

I’m on the fence about whether to tell him or Not tell him but save the letter incase years later he wants to Read it years down the line.

I’m an adult and I’m NC with my mother. Occasionally she writes to me and I sit and stare at the envelope for ages willing myself to throw it away. But I always read them and then get upset.

Part of me thinks if he said NC she should be respecting that and if she can’t then you should be protecting him. But then maybe he said it and didn’t really mean it and is hoping she reaches out like this? Maybe ask him what he’d want you to do in the future if such a letter arrived, would he want telling or not? If ne says not then don’t tell him, if he says he’d want to know then tell him.?

timetest · 05/09/2020 16:20

I would tell him you have the letter and it’s up to him to either read it now, keep it for a later date or destroy it. He should not feel obliged to forgive her. It’s up to her to prove that she is stable enough to have some kind of relationship with her son.
Keep protecting him from her, you’ve been doing a great job.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 05/09/2020 16:22

The other issue I have is that he thinks his mum does not know our address and it scares him thinking that she may have.

OP posts: