The letter from my Son's Mum has arrived.

[malgrat78]

As some of you maybe aware I have been having an ongoing issue with my Son's Mum who was in a relationship with a drug addict & she was also using. My Son has been living with me for some months now & his Mum has now moved away & trying to get back in contact with him. However, my Son doesn't want any contact which he reconfirmed again last night when he wanted to discuss something with me. His Mum has wrote a letter to him which has come this morning.

I am not sure what to think about it. She does open by saying she hope he is ok & I hope you love been with your Dad & doing well at school. She goes on to say that she is staying with her Mum & she is on the council list & should have her own flat within 12 months.

What I am not too sure about is the next bit. It basically says “I hope that in time you can forgive me for all the trouble I caused, I do regret it. I know you won’t ever come back to live with me, I understand all that but in time I hope I can talk to you” Then the normal I love you lots & lots.

I think her mother may have helped with the context of the letter to be honest. I am a bit uncertain what to think about it especially the forgiveness bit. Should she be mentioning this to a 13-year-old after only been away just over 2 weeks? Surely if he see's this letter & the forgiveness bit he is going to feel pressurized into forgiving her. The destruction she has caused & heartache is not going to be solved in 2 weeks & with a letter. I personally would have centered the letter around my Son & how he was doing & not mentioned anything about forgiveness or my wants.

His mum did message me this morning to see if I had received it which was the 3rd time in 3 days that she has asked. My Son picked the letter up & luckily it was in my name but her writing so I am surprised that he never mentioned it to be honest.

What are people thoughts?

The back story is very important here.

He doesn't want it. Respect that.

Pop it in a box, along with any other correspondence she sends him.

Contact her and tell her he does not wish for contact, when/if that changes he'll be in touch.

Have the conversation about Mum regularly, when/if he changes his mind, he can read.

I'm sorry you've all gone through such a turbulent time, OP. I hope all manages to work out.

Just wondered if the boy had been with his Dad, how is he your child?
Sorry I'm confused.
Have you fostered or adopted him?

As for the letter I would ask his SW advice, they seem to know the children best.

I think I would approach him and say, "if your mum sent you a letter, would you want to read it?" If he says no, leave it and tell mum he isn't interested. If he says yes, leave it 24 hours (in case he comes back and changes his answer) and hand it over.

@Devlesko

Just wondered if the boy had been with his Dad, how is he your child? Sorry I'm confused. Have you fostered or adopted him?

As for the letter I would ask his SW advice, they seem to know the children best.

The OP is the boy's father. The comment about loving being with his Dad is a quote from the Mum's letter.

Your most recent post is important and should have been in your OP.

Your Son has ASKED you to protect him from contact from her. He doesn't want calls or letters or anything from her right now. He scared that she knows where he lives FGS poor kid.

As you know he saw it, I'd saw to him that you know he saw the letter from her, she asked after him & said she loves him, but she's still 'not well/messed up - Whatever you two call it. That you gave no secrets from him & he's welcome to read it, but that you want to do what he's asked and protect him from contact.

He's worked out that talking about her upsets him/hurts him/angers him and he doesn't want it in his life. Smart kid.

I'm very sorry the poor kid is going through this, it's heartbreaking. But he has you. Protect him

As for her, 'two weeks', there's no way that she's made substantive changes. Anyone (Or their mother 🙄) can 'say' the right things). But she needs to get help, get clean, get on her feet before she even thinks about contactIng either of you again - reply to her text & tell her you have the letter but she needs to do those things, before getting in contact again.

Given she IS DS's mother and in the long term there would be a benefit to DS of having her in his life IF she can get reliably clean, then I'd wish her well & day you hope contact can be resumed one day, once she's clean etc. It may be the motivation she needs.

Link to my previous thread that should help clear the situation up www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4008391-Where-to-go-from-here-regarding-my-Sons-mum

However, my Son doesn't want any contact which he reconfirmed again last night when he wanted to discuss something with me.

This is the only relevant detail right now.

Your son reconfirmed last night that he doesn't want contact with his mother.

Respect him and protect him.

I was reading you other thread last night. From what I read I felt you boy is in desperate need of an adult to take charge. The responsibility of decision making is having a big toll on him so I understand why you might Not want to tell him. If you decide to tell him I would make it clear he does not have to read it and if he wants to know the highlights he can ask you when he’s ready and you will give him bits and if he is ever ready he can read the letter. He seems to really want an adult to take the pressure away and he deserves that if he needs it. Of course she will always be his mother and at some point he will need to address it.

Meant to say how sorry I am for both of you in this situation

It sounds like you now have sole custody. Consequently the decision over whether to show this letter to your son is yours. There is no wrong decision - what you feel is in your son's best interest is the right decision. If you feel it places an emotional burden on him or if you feel that you should honour his decision to have no contact with his mother then you are perfectly within your rights choose not to share it with him. Don't feel guilty. Your obligation is to him and him alone, not to his mother.

@malgrat78 don’t give it to him. He made his views very clear last night and it sounds as if he is going through hell. He needs you to stand up for him and that means not being manipulated into giving him a letter when he is so clear about what he wants. Keep it for the future but right now you need to protect him.

I don't know your full situation but I had a really good friend in secondary whose her birth mother was a drug addict and would randomly turn up after years of absence and completely turn her life upside down emotionally. It turned out to be a really bad thing ultimately. Best of luck with managing such a difficult situation. Do what is best for your son x

I also think if you can keep some sort of log/diary of what happens and then in the future if your son wants to know you can show him, and that will tell him that your intentions were to be transparent and not conceal anything from him, that you had given consideration to the difficult balance of protecting him but also being open and fair to him.

I wouldn't give him the letter but I would keep it and consider letting him know it has arrived. Was it addressed to you or him?

He is being as clear as he can be - he is scared of her knowing your address and when you had a discussion with him “^^He mentioned that it was that bad that he felt like killing himself which he feels ashamed of.”

How on Earth is giving him the letter even crossing your mind? Have you had any counselling because I think you need it to be able to support him in the way he needs you to rather than ending up in this cycle again.

@Genevieva

It sounds like you now have sole custody. Consequently the decision over whether to show this letter to your son is yours. There is no wrong decision - what you feel is in your son's best interest is the right decision. If you feel it places an emotional burden on him or if you feel that you should honour his decision to have no contact with his mother then you are perfectly within your rights choose not to share it with him. Don't feel guilty. Your obligation is to him and him alone, not to his mother.

I am feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions right now. I am actually considering his Mums feelings if I don't give him it but then I need to remind myself that it's my Son's welfare that is my number one priority & after all it has only been a couple of weeks since she moved over there & given how she has run back to the boyfriend before plus how horrendously dishonest she is the letter does not really make much difference. Again the letter is about what she wants & not my Son's needs.

@AmelieTaylor

Your most recent post is important and should have been in your OP.

Your Son has ASKED you to protect him from contact from her. He doesn't want calls or letters or anything from her right now. He scared that she knows where he lives FGS poor kid.

As you know he saw it, I'd saw to him that you know he saw the letter from her, she asked after him & said she loves him, but she's still 'not well/messed up - Whatever you two call it. That you gave no secrets from him & he's welcome to read it, but that you want to do what he's asked and protect him from contact.

He's worked out that talking about her upsets him/hurts him/angers him and he doesn't want it in his life. Smart kid.

I'm very sorry the poor kid is going through this, it's heartbreaking. But he has you. Protect him

As for her, 'two weeks', there's no way that she's made substantive changes. Anyone (Or their mother 🙄) can 'say' the right things). But she needs to get help, get clean, get on her feet before she even thinks about contactIng either of you again - reply to her text & tell her you have the letter but she needs to do those things, before getting in contact again.

Given she IS DS's mother and in the long term there would be a benefit to DS of having her in his life IF she can get reliably clean, then I'd wish her well & day you hope contact can be resumed one day, once she's clean etc. It may be the motivation she needs.

He picked the letter up but didn't mention it & looking at the envelope it was in my name & not his Mums handwriting so I actually do not think he is aware that it was a letter from his Mum.

I am trying to think of his reaction if I was to tell him. I think it would firstly unnerve him that she knows our address. Secondly I think he would say something along the lines of "I am still not speaking to her & I bet she's trying to manipulate me".

I am struggling with the fact that if I don't tell him then I am not been honest with him & we have always had an open & trusting relationship.

I do remember posting on your previous thread.

My EX mil was unable to prioratise her grandson over her son.. This is so similar.

under normal circumstances I would say at 13 he is old enough to decide for himself. However here given the recent conversation I would keep the letter.

If grandma phones tell her you are putting your DS first and has requested no contact so will support him with that.

I would say the all about what I am up to is the would be the i am a better person now... trying to reel him in.

What a horrible situation for your son, and for you too.

I think you should leave it for a bit, let him settle. At the moment he wants no contact - that is as much for his own protection as anything else.

If you tell him you have the letter, he may be eaten up to read it, and it may be ok, or it may ignite false hope in him, or it may be a crushing disappointment to him. 2 out of 3 of those options aren't good - I'm not sure those odds are worth playing.

So I wouldn't tell him just yet. See how he goes, see how everything else goes and maybe wait until he asks about her (if he does) or if she's tried to get in touch.

It's SO hard, and I totally get why you're in such a quandary, because even though he's saying he doesn't want any contact, he's still at an age where he might be just saying it but meaning "I really want her to stop being a twat and be my proper mum and love me" - which isn't the same thing. :(

Hopefully she's not expecting any kind of response - although the number of times she's contacted you to ask if the letter has arrived suggests otherwise - but she doesn't deserve one.

Another idea - maybe ask him what you should do if his mother tries to contact him - does he want you to tell him that she has? Or would he rather not know?

Then if he says he would want you to tell him, THEN you can tell him "well actually, this letter is for you from her". If he says No, he doesn't want to know, then don't tell him about the letter.

@Haffdonga

Why now? There's no urgency to give it is there? There's nothing in it that ds needs to know immediately. As you decided on your earlier thread wait for a while until ds is back at school and settled and back in counselling.

Your ds has already made it clear that he doesn't want info at the moment about her. I would wait at least until October/ November to mention that she's written and you can show him the letter if he wants (or just tell him the main contents if he prefers).

If you are feeling pressurised by ds's mum and grandma I'd just reply that you have received the letter and that you'll be passing it to ds when he's ready for it if he wants. Explain that this wont be immediately as the priority is him resettling back at school and he doesn't want to hear from her at the moment.

Yes good advice here. I need to take a breath & relax a bit. There's no urgency & I have already told his Mum that I wont be showing him the letter until I have discussed it with his counselor (I am on the waiting list due to Covid).

If I wait a while at least I will have some more idea f how his Mum is doing & whether she is getting help for her troubles.

He already blocked her number a few months ago & only last night he had a missed call on his mobile from an unknown number which he panicked about thinking it was his mum. That is what set off the discussion we had about her when He explained that he still didn't want any contact from her but would like to know if there was anything major that may effect him such as her moving back to our City. So he clearly has really negative bad feelings about her which I can understand.

"only last night he had a missed call on his mobile from an unknown number which he panicked about thinking it was his mum. That is what set off the discussion we had about her when He explained that he still didn't want any contact from her "

That, right there, is your answer.
The thread of hearing from his mum made him panic, and he's told you straight out he doesn't want any contact from her.

Keep the letter quiet for now.

I've just read your most recent thread. I think as some previous posters have said, you should respect what your son has asked you: no contact.

*threat