The letter from my Son's Mum has arrived.

[malgrat78]

As some of you maybe aware I have been having an ongoing issue with my Son's Mum who was in a relationship with a drug addict & she was also using. My Son has been living with me for some months now & his Mum has now moved away & trying to get back in contact with him. However, my Son doesn't want any contact which he reconfirmed again last night when he wanted to discuss something with me. His Mum has wrote a letter to him which has come this morning.

I am not sure what to think about it. She does open by saying she hope he is ok & I hope you love been with your Dad & doing well at school. She goes on to say that she is staying with her Mum & she is on the council list & should have her own flat within 12 months.

What I am not too sure about is the next bit. It basically says “I hope that in time you can forgive me for all the trouble I caused, I do regret it. I know you won’t ever come back to live with me, I understand all that but in time I hope I can talk to you” Then the normal I love you lots & lots.

I think her mother may have helped with the context of the letter to be honest. I am a bit uncertain what to think about it especially the forgiveness bit. Should she be mentioning this to a 13-year-old after only been away just over 2 weeks? Surely if he see's this letter & the forgiveness bit he is going to feel pressurized into forgiving her. The destruction she has caused & heartache is not going to be solved in 2 weeks & with a letter. I personally would have centered the letter around my Son & how he was doing & not mentioned anything about forgiveness or my wants.

His mum did message me this morning to see if I had received it which was the 3rd time in 3 days that she has asked. My Son picked the letter up & luckily it was in my name but her writing so I am surprised that he never mentioned it to be honest.

What are people thoughts?

He is a very young person, he has enough going on without all the feelings this would stir up. Let him have peace.

@ChickensMightFly

He is a very young person, he has enough going on without all the feelings this would stir up. Let him have peace.

This is why I decided not to tell him or show him. He is going through a lot of changes emotionally & physically. Soon as I mention his mum he asks that I don't. He says he doesn't want any contact from her & even blocked her number. When he gets an unknown number on his phone you can see him shudder because in his words "she always tries to manipulate me & make me feel bad". He doesn't need all of that & the letter would just upset him more. All he would see was the word "forgiveness" & start feeling guilty & thinking that he should forgive her. He isn't old enough to process all of the adult stuff. I need to get him into counselling again & get him back into school before I even consider mentioning the letter.

Ah, you've made your decision. Glad you have felt able to do that. Not that I am qualified to speak, but I know what parental doubt and guilt is and was trying to (helpfully) bolster your resolve.

I think your reply was perfect. Short and to the point.

Now that you know she has your address, is there any danger of her showing up? I know she lives quite a distance away but one thing I've learnt about addicts is that they can be extremely determined and focussed when they want something be it booze, drugs, or a person. They have no 'red light' in their brain to tell them to stop.

I had said previously that I thought you and DS should talk to clarify his 'limits' on any information/contact about his mum. I've thought better of it and I agree that everything needs to go through his counselor. A counselor can be a great 'filter' and their training makes them especially suited for picking up on the 'clues' that say when someone is ready for information and when someone is not.

Why are you reading your sons mail?

@growinggreyer

I think you should let your son know that the letter is here and that he can ask to read it whenever he wants to but that his Mum just wanted to say she is sorry for what has happened and that she still loves him. I think that is the main take away from the letter and probably what he needs to hear. Keep the letter safe as it might mean more to him as he gets older.

Definitely agree with this

Taking this on face value OP, because I don’t know her or your situation, I think it sounds fine. Your DC might not want anything to do with her, which would be understandable, but she is reaching out while not expecting anything in return. If she means what she says then it may open up to a relationship in the future if she gets herself sorted out.

This is exactly the sort of letter I would have liked to see my DS’s alcoholic father write to him. My DS is the same age as your DC. Instead my DS’s father has vacillated between emotional blackmail and putting all the blame on DS for their relationship breakdown. This letter from what you have written does none of that, she acknowledges that she’s been a shit mum and accepts that her actions have caused the breakdown. I think thta’s a positive thing.

I can understand why you’re reluctant though. It’s hard to open the door, even a crack, to someone who has caused so much hurt and upset in your DC’s life.

@Whatisthisfuckery

Taking this on face value OP, because I don’t know her or your situation, I think it sounds fine. Your DC might not want anything to do with her, which would be understandable, but she is reaching out while not expecting anything in return. If she means what she says then it may open up to a relationship in the future if she gets herself sorted out.

This is exactly the sort of letter I would have liked to see my DS’s alcoholic father write to him. My DS is the same age as your DC. Instead my DS’s father has vacillated between emotional blackmail and putting all the blame on DS for their relationship breakdown. This letter from what you have written does none of that, she acknowledges that she’s been a shit mum and accepts that her actions have caused the breakdown. I think thta’s a positive thing.

I can understand why you’re reluctant though. It’s hard to open the door, even a crack, to someone who has caused so much hurt and upset in your DC’s life.

They letter doesn't even apologise. It also has subtle emotional blackmail about forgiveness about and about not ever living with her again. It's all about what she wants and not a hint of an actual genuine apology.

@malgrat78 How did you get on making the solicitor appointment and speaking to the NSPCC?

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Why are you reading your sons mail?

You clearly haven’t rtft. The letter was addressed to OP but was for his son. Also, his son is a child and it is for the OP to protect him.

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Why are you reading your sons mail?

Because his son is a child who needs protected from his emotionally abusive drug addict mother

@GalaxyCookieCrumble - Maybe try reading up on the situation before you ask stupid questions? When you've done your research, you'll (hopefully) understand exactly why this father is reading his son's letters from his mum.

Honestly, I don't often get frustrated with people who don't 'RTFT', but in this case I think it's justified!

[quote lyralalala]@malgrat78 How did you get on making the solicitor appointment and speaking to the NSPCC?[/quote]
Just a quick update. I had a telephone consultation with the solicitor today. She basically advised me that I do not currently need to do anything. If my Son's Mum pushes for contact I just have to say that my Son doesn't want any contact if she isn't happy with this then she will need to apply for mediation & then dependent on that go through the courts but at that point CAFCASS would be involved & they would assess both parents as well as interview my Son. They would look at what is best for my Son & listen to what he wanted too. So, basically the ball is in her court & I just need to continue as I was.

The NSPCC emailed me back & were very helpful. They gave me a few pointers such as trying not to bring his mum up in conversation all the time & just letting him talk about it when he wants to. Also, to contact his School & make sure they are aware of the situation. They also gave me a legal organization called Child Law Advice who are a charity that specialize in child and family law.

Crack lung develops minutes/hours after smoking crack so you're right that he at least will have been doing it, and basically every crack user I knew ended up on heroin and vice versa. Is she in any local treatment thing herself because they will generally do drugs tests?

Glad you've got good advice op. I hope that's given you extra confidence you're on the right track.

Glad they got back to you with good advice!

Delighted that you know were u stand now

@malgrat78 I'm so glad you got some good advice, you're doubting yourself a lot but you are really doing the right thing by DS. He does not need a letter or note asking for forgiveness as that puts all the responsibility on him and I think posters advocating that have not got the back story on the emotional and financial manipulation DS and yourself have been through.

Like I said last time, stop doubting yourself and looking for people to tell you are doing the wrong thing because you are not.

Just a quick update. After I told his mum not to send any more letters things went quiet until a few days ago when I received a text from his mum asking if I'd spoke to my son's councillor yet and if I had mentioned the letter that she had sent to the councillor. She then asked if my son wanted to 'know her'. I kept it short and said I'd not seen the councillor and my son still doesn't want any contact. She didn't reply and I had a suspicion she was up to something and I was correct. I found out a couple of hours ago that she's done a runner back to our city and she's been seen with the ex. She's stolen some money too. Plus apparently she did it a couple of weeks back too but no one told me.

I'm so relieved I never let him read the letter now. My poor son would have been heartbroken now and let down again. I'm not surprised this has happened to be honest.

That's awful. I have experience with this and you must never take anything she says at face value.
You have learned again that she will never change until she is ready and all she can provide your son right now is false hope and let downs.

Protect him from this and yourself. Block her out your lives completely now.

She knows where you live and is back in your city but your son thinks she doesn't know your address? What if she shows up at your door?

I highly recommend sober recovery friends and family of substance abusers forum for no some proper experienced advice. It's an invaluable place

She knows where you live and is back in your city but your son thinks she doesn't know your address? What if she shows up at your door?

This would be my main concern. I think it's imperative that you speak to his counselor without delay son the best way to handle this AND to a solicitor about a restraining/non-mol order.

Hello all I am back again with a further update & request for advice. Going back to the original question above. After I received the letter & out it in a safe place his mum started basically harassing me as to whether I had given him the letter & asking when would he speak to her again. When I said he doesn't want any contact from her she asked when would he & I politely said when he is ready. After this she went quiet & I later found out that she had done a runner from her mothers house, stole money & went back to the drug addict boyfriend. This confirmed that I was right not to give him the letter.

Things just plodded along ok until 3 weeks ago when I found out my Father had terminal cancer & I have spent the last 3 weeks trying to come to terms with that as well as organize for him to come home to spend his remaining days at home. My Son has taken it as well as he can & I have been determined to make Christmas special for my Son as well as for my Father. During all of this I found out that my Son's mum had moved in with my Son's older sister who I was hoping to support me with childcare throughout this difficult time with my Dad. His Sister admitted to me that she had let her mum stay there until she had found her own place & her mum has been doing really well.

I also received a screenshot from an old neighbor which showed a message from my Sons mum saying sorry for something she had done & confessing that she had been on Crack cocaine because the boyfriend had got her on it but she is off it now & not with him.

I have just received a message from his mum on a new number saying that she as got my son some Christmas presents & a card & his sister will be bringing it to my house for him. She then asks if I will be giving the stuff to my Son.

I really don't need this now & neither does my Son & yet again I have no idea what to do. Do I just keep the presents & card or tell my son & ask him what he feels he wants. It will be exactly a year on Christmas eve since he last saw his mum & he is still saying he wants no contact from her.

Sorry everyone for being a pain I just would like some advice.

Thanks.

Put them away with the letter in the loft/box/wherever for now, and concentrate on your Dad and son.

Assuming your son and his Grandad do get on, I'd focus on the three of you making the most of what precious time you have left.

Put his mum on the back burner meanwhile. You definitely don't need the upheaval right now, not that you needed it before.

You can be as polite and non committal to everyone else as you can bring yourself to be. Good luck. (There are some very helpful people on the Elderly Parents board if you want advice about helping your Dad btw).

@iwanttoridemybicycleiwant

Put them away with the letter in the loft/box/wherever for now, and concentrate on your Dad and son.

Assuming your son and his Grandad do get on, I'd focus on the three of you making the most of what precious time you have left.

Put his mum on the back burner meanwhile. You definitely don't need the upheaval right now, not that you needed it before.

You can be as polite and non committal to everyone else as you can bring yourself to be. Good luck. (There are some very helpful people on the Elderly Parents board if you want advice about helping your Dad btw).

Thanks for your reply. I expected this to happen but not while going through the issue with my Father. Really don't need this now to be honest. The presents / card would just put pressure on my Son & make him feel like he needs to respond or give her a chance.

So sorry to hear about your dad OP. You have such a lot on your plate already.

I would just stick the gift away with the letter right now. Just mentally shelve the whole issue until after your dad has passed and things are a bit calmer.

Be very careful around your sons sister. It sounds like the mum has "recruited" her and may try to use her to engineer contact with your son. Does he know that his mum ended up staying there (is she still there?) It might be necessary to ask the sister to drop anything off while your son is out, in case she turns up with mum in tow.

Please try not to think too badly of the sister if this happens. It's very hard for a child to resist a parent's emotional Blackmail and manipulation. Your son is lucky to have you as a rational and supportive voice - unfortunately his sister doesn't have that.

I hope you can have a calm Christmas for the three of you.