The letter from my Son's Mum has arrived.

[malgrat78]

As some of you maybe aware I have been having an ongoing issue with my Son's Mum who was in a relationship with a drug addict & she was also using. My Son has been living with me for some months now & his Mum has now moved away & trying to get back in contact with him. However, my Son doesn't want any contact which he reconfirmed again last night when he wanted to discuss something with me. His Mum has wrote a letter to him which has come this morning.

I am not sure what to think about it. She does open by saying she hope he is ok & I hope you love been with your Dad & doing well at school. She goes on to say that she is staying with her Mum & she is on the council list & should have her own flat within 12 months.

What I am not too sure about is the next bit. It basically says “I hope that in time you can forgive me for all the trouble I caused, I do regret it. I know you won’t ever come back to live with me, I understand all that but in time I hope I can talk to you” Then the normal I love you lots & lots.

I think her mother may have helped with the context of the letter to be honest. I am a bit uncertain what to think about it especially the forgiveness bit. Should she be mentioning this to a 13-year-old after only been away just over 2 weeks? Surely if he see's this letter & the forgiveness bit he is going to feel pressurized into forgiving her. The destruction she has caused & heartache is not going to be solved in 2 weeks & with a letter. I personally would have centered the letter around my Son & how he was doing & not mentioned anything about forgiveness or my wants.

His mum did message me this morning to see if I had received it which was the 3rd time in 3 days that she has asked. My Son picked the letter up & luckily it was in my name but her writing so I am surprised that he never mentioned it to be honest.

What are people thoughts?

@laidbacklife

I’m not familiar with the background to all this but are you the foster mum? You don’t sound mentally equipped to deal with the situation. It’s really not appropriate to be asking for advice on Mumsnet.

Shush with your hoiky of judgy pants and RTFFT before you spout such rubbish! Who made you posting police?!

@malgrat78- you sound like you are desperately trying to do the best for your son and I applaud this- I think pp's advice especially @lyralalala's pro/con list is fantastic and backs up your thoughts that it's not about your son, but his perhaps being used as an emotional crutch to his mother, also a risk of trying to use his agreement (even if forced) to contact to self validate 'see it's all ok, my son and l are back together, so of course things are better for me'

[quote TitianaTitsling]@malgrat78- you sound like you are desperately trying to do the best for your son and I applaud this- I think pp's advice especially @lyralalala's pro/con list is fantastic and backs up your thoughts that it's not about your son, but his perhaps being used as an emotional crutch to his mother, also a risk of trying to use his agreement (even if forced) to contact to self validate 'see it's all ok, my son and l are back together, so of course things are better for me'[/quote]
Yes I am & this has been going on now for almost a year. I have to admit that it's been really tough on him as well as other people its effected.

@lyralalala advice has really helped me out especially the PRO/CON list. Yes a lot of this is to make his mum feel & look better. She used to have this obsessive saying "I'm a good mum though". She was really concerned about how she appeared to people but less concerned with her actual actions.

I specifically said no letter to be sent to my address & it should be sent to his Sisters. A simple request that they could have agreed to but no. They had to ignore my request & send it here. Who's benefit was that for?

One thing that my Son mentioned the other night is how his mum used to ask him if he wanted her to "get rid of the boyfriend & if she did would he move back in". No parent should ever put that pressure on a Childs mind & make him look second choice. His Mum had every chance to tell the boyfriend to move out when social services got involved but her excuse was "he is on a treatment plan" yes he was for a few weeks & they also took my son to the Chemist while the ex took his methadone. I complained about this & said that should not happen, her reply was "at least our Son knows about drugs & he can see *** is getting help for his addiction". I truly believe she wants my Son as an emotional crutch as you say. The boyfriend is now gone so she wants comfort from my Son.

I think you've got a good handle on this now and have had some really useful advice on here.

The next step, having decided not to give or mention the letter to your son is to work out how to stop any more coming.

This one didn't have his mum's handwriting on it - but what if she sends another, that does? What if your DS sees it, and knows that she has your address?

As you've realised, this is all about his mother's wants, and no care at all about your son's needs. He doesn't want contact, he wants you to protect him from her totally - but she knows where you live.

You have good security so she can't get in - but she could turn up on the doorstep. She can send more letters. I don't know if you have enough on her, in terms of damage, to get a restraining order against her so that at least you can call the police if she shows up - might be worth investigating?

What also might be worth considering, although it would cost you money to do it, is to have your post re-directed to a PO Box address, instead of coming to your house. It would mean having to collect your post from elsewhere, but at least you'd be able to sort through it before your boy sees it, and you can remove anything that is obviously from her.

This might all be over the top, of course - the other option is to let your son know that his mother does have your address but you will do everything in your power to stop her having any contact with him.

Are you able to talk to his counsellor to get advice about this?

If he's adamant he doesn't want contact I'd keep the letter for him to see in the future but not burden him with it now.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I think you've got a good handle on this now and have had some really useful advice on here.

The next step, having decided not to give or mention the letter to your son is to work out how to stop any more coming.

This one didn't have his mum's handwriting on it - but what if she sends another, that does? What if your DS sees it, and knows that she has your address?

As you've realised, this is all about his mother's wants, and no care at all about your son's needs. He doesn't want contact, he wants you to protect him from her totally - but she knows where you live.

You have good security so she can't get in - but she could turn up on the doorstep. She can send more letters. I don't know if you have enough on her, in terms of damage, to get a restraining order against her so that at least you can call the police if she shows up - might be worth investigating?

What also might be worth considering, although it would cost you money to do it, is to have your post re-directed to a PO Box address, instead of coming to your house. It would mean having to collect your post from elsewhere, but at least you'd be able to sort through it before your boy sees it, and you can remove anything that is obviously from her.

This might all be over the top, of course - the other option is to let your son know that his mother does have your address but you will do everything in your power to stop her having any contact with him.

Are you able to talk to his counsellor to get advice about this?

I suspect that I am going to get a message from his Mum tomorrow asking if I have received the letter & if I have shown him it. I have this answer prepared:

Hello, yes I have received the letter thank you. However, as I have already explained I am not in a position to show him the letter until I have discussed it with his counselor as it may cause him upset which we both obviously need to avoid. Therefore, I am requesting that you do not send any more letters to this address. If you feel like you need to write to him then please send the letters to his Sisters as first requested.

Then depending on the reply to that I am thinking about a free consultation with a Solicitor on Tuesday to see where I stand legally. I am also emailing NSPCC to request a call back for some advice & support.

I have loads of screenshots of messages from various people & family about her. Ranging from her Sister telling me to keep my Son away from her as she is on drugs to neighbors saying that she has stolen money from pensioners. To be honest I have quite a lot of stuff. I also have a log of things that my Son would say to me months ago about the things that were happening when he was there such as having no food in the house & posh cars pulling up to hand over things through the car window. Obviously they are now making out that the ex was the problem & his Mum after 2 weeks is a reformed character.

@HandfulofDust

If he's adamant he doesn't want contact I'd keep the letter for him to see in the future but not burden him with it now.

This was a difficult decision & I promised him I would be open with him. However, I believe showing him the letter will do more damage than good at this time. He will know she has our address which will probably result in him not sleeping & getting very anxious & he starts school gain mid week after almost 6 months. I cannot & will not put him through more turmoil just to make his Mum & grandma happy.

You sound like you've listened carefully to your son, know him well and have his best interests at heart. I'd trust your instincts on this one. There's no harm keeping the letter in the future so he can see his mum made an effort but it sounds like there is significant harm in showing him the letter now.

I suspect that I am going to get a message from his Mum tomorrow asking if I have received the letter & if I have shown him it. I have this answer prepared:

Hello, yes I have received the letter thank you. However, as I have already explained I am not in a position to show him the letter until I have discussed it with his counselor as it may cause him upset which we both obviously need to avoid. Therefore, I am requesting that you do not send any more letters to this address. If you feel like you need to write to him then please send the letters to his Sisters as first requested.

Do not say thank you!!

And don’t invite her to send more letters via his sister. you can’t invite her to send them and then complain when she does.

Language is very important here

Then depending on the reply to that I am thinking about a free consultation with a Solicitor on Tuesday to see where I stand legally. I am also emailing NSPCC to request a call back for some advice & support.

Please make that appointment regardless of the reply.

She’s an emotionally abusive drug addict. Her word tomorrow isn’t reliable for longer than it takes her to type it.

I have loads of screenshots of messages from various people & family about her. Ranging from her Sister telling me to keep my Son away from her as she is on drugs to neighbors saying that she has stolen money from pensioners. To be honest I have quite a lot of stuff. I also have a log of things that my Son would say to me months ago about the things that were happening when he was there such as having no food in the house & posh cars pulling up to hand over things through the car window. Obviously they are now making out that the ex was the problem & his Mum after 2 weeks is a reformed character.

The stuff from your son is the only relevant bits. Keep the rest as background, but focus on what your DS said - particularly his mention of suicide - and leave the hearsay in the background.

"I suspect that I am going to get a message from his Mum tomorrow asking if I have received the letter & if I have shown him it. I have this answer prepared:

Hello, yes I have received the letter thank you. However, as I have already explained I am not in a position to show him the letter until I have discussed it with his counselor as it may cause him upset which we both obviously need to avoid. Therefore, I am requesting that you do not send any more letters to this address. If you feel like you need to write to him then please send the letters to his Sisters as first requested."

It's a nice idea but way too soft, I'm sorry to say.
His mother has already shown far too often that she doesn't have your son's best interests at heart, only her own - so any polite request to do things any way other than her own is NOT going to work.

Tell her straight "Yes, the letter has arrived. Don't send any more to this house as I want to avoid upsetting Son and letters from you are upsetting. Do not attempt further contact, as he does not want this"

No point in trying to make her care that she would upset your son, she doesn't and probably can't care about his feelings or none of this would have happened.

And yes, do make that solicitor's appointment, great idea.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

"I suspect that I am going to get a message from his Mum tomorrow asking if I have received the letter & if I have shown him it. I have this answer prepared:

Hello, yes I have received the letter thank you. However, as I have already explained I am not in a position to show him the letter until I have discussed it with his counselor as it may cause him upset which we both obviously need to avoid. Therefore, I am requesting that you do not send any more letters to this address. If you feel like you need to write to him then please send the letters to his Sisters as first requested."

It's a nice idea but way too soft, I'm sorry to say.
His mother has already shown far too often that she doesn't have your son's best interests at heart, only her own - so any polite request to do things any way other than her own is NOT going to work.

Tell her straight "Yes, the letter has arrived. Don't send any more to this house as I want to avoid upsetting Son and letters from you are upsetting. Do not attempt further contact, as he does not want this"

No point in trying to make her care that she would upset your son, she doesn't and probably can't care about his feelings or none of this would have happened.

And yes, do make that solicitor's appointment, great idea.

As I thought I received a message saying "let me know when you've got the letter"

I replied with " the letter has arrived. Please don't send any more to this house as I want to avoid upsetting (son) and any contact from you is upsetting him. He has been through a lot and needs to talk to his Counsellor.

The reply was "ok"

As I thought I received a message saying "let me know when you've got the letter"

I thought it wasn't a letter but a note. Because you told her not to send a letter but she (or her mum) weaselled round that by saying a note was OK. Now it was a letter all the time, against your express wishes. Who'da thunk it?

She doesn't have boundaries so it's good that you're putting some firm ones up.

@malgrat78 - that's great, well done. Hopefully she'll pay attention.

His mother sounds like a chaotic storm of a person
He needs a steady rock like you OP
It's very hard being the only parent who is able to act like a grown up

As someone who has had their own addictions and thereafter worked in addiction support services I would not give the letter just yet. If it was heroin addiction, there's no chance she's just magically become abstinent within two weeks, same with crack. Addicts believe their own lies. Recovery takes years and never stops. If she had gone cold Turkey she'd still be having withdrawals at this stage.

As it appears you are doing anyway, I'd take any comments about her recovery with a pinch of salt. The letter appears to suggest that everything is behind her now and she's OK but if that's true she'll be a rich woman with finding the answer to addiction recovery so soon !

I also talk from the viewpoint who grew up with a mother who was a manipulative alcoholic and played the emotional guilt game on me well into adulthood. You are doing an amazing job shielding your son. Let him enjoy his freedom x

Tell him that she wrote to him. Give him the gist of what it said and discuss your worry about the time passed etc

@Keratinsmooth

Tell him that she wrote to him. Give him the gist of what it said and discuss your worry about the time passed etc

As I have said previously. He is frightened that she knows our address which makes it a bit difficult telling him that she has wrote to him. This is why I asked her to send the letter to his older Sisters house but her & her mother ignored my request.

@ThatLibraryMiss

As I thought I received a message saying "let me know when you've got the letter"

I thought it wasn't a letter but a note. Because you told her not to send a letter but she (or her mum) weaselled round that by saying a note was OK. Now it was a letter all the time, against your express wishes. Who'da thunk it?

She doesn't have boundaries so it's good that you're putting some firm ones up.

Exactly it definitely wasn't a note. The grandma said "Please accept the letter but I know you probably wont give it to him". Again that suggest that they are putting the pressure on me. She didn't say "I understand that you may decide not to give him it as of yet due what he has been through"

Honestly his mum is so dishonest & manipulative that they will all believe her lies & that she was forced into taking drugs & abandoning her Son. His Mum would use the fact that my Son liked been with me as an excuse not to get rid of the addict boyfriend. She would say "well he's always wanted to live with his Dad" instead of realizing that actually he didn't until she started with the drugs & plus all the emotional manipulation that when on prior to the boyfriend coming on the scene. She never admits anything is her doing just because its an easy way out for her.

@Heffalooomia

His mother sounds like a chaotic storm of a person He needs a steady rock like you OP It's very hard being the only parent who is able to act like a grown up

I do have sympathy for his Mum. She had an horrible childhood which she would talk about & you could see how much it had traumatized her. However, she is an adult & there is help out there. I believe she has some really deep issues that need addressing & I cannot let my Son be around that especially if she isn't getting any help. All I would be doing was enabling her behavior & then in turn letting it effect my Son.

He is happy & content at the moment. He starts Year 9 this week & I can tell it is making him apprehensive. He doesn't need added pressure from his Mum who only moved away a few weeks ago & doesn't appear to be getting any help for her addiction or addressing why she actually started a relationship with a known drug user then moved him in around her Son within 2 weeks. Healthy minded individuals just do not do that.

@Stayfreshcheesebags

As someone who has had their own addictions and thereafter worked in addiction support services I would not give the letter just yet. If it was heroin addiction, there's no chance she's just magically become abstinent within two weeks, same with crack. Addicts believe their own lies. Recovery takes years and never stops. If she had gone cold Turkey she'd still be having withdrawals at this stage.

As it appears you are doing anyway, I'd take any comments about her recovery with a pinch of salt. The letter appears to suggest that everything is behind her now and she's OK but if that's true she'll be a rich woman with finding the answer to addiction recovery so soon !

I also talk from the viewpoint who grew up with a mother who was a manipulative alcoholic and played the emotional guilt game on me well into adulthood. You are doing an amazing job shielding your son. Let him enjoy his freedom x

There has been a lot of Amphetamine use for many years. This would leave her 'coming down' for several days in which she wouldn't take our Son to school or she would be snapping at him all the time. He started to notice that 'mummy was acting weird'. Then when the ex boyfriend came on the scene he was apparently on a methadone treatment plan which he didn't stick to. He also had 'crack lung' & spent a week in hospital. His Mum was seen begging & they were stealing all sorts of things & even selling food bank donations. So, I am almost certain they were taking Heroin & Crack cocaine & as you say we are talking about highly addictive substances here that are not easy to get off of.

Think it's probably almost 3 weeks now that she has been away. However, I have no idea if the drugs use has been addressed. She was telling everyone she wasn't on drugs & apparently she looked extremely frail. So, if the drugs haven't been addressed & even if she's managed to go 'cold turkey' at some point it is highly likely that the mental obsession & the need for relief from what ever issues she was trying to medicate in the first place is going to come back. So I let my son have contact with her again & all is fine until she feels comfortable & safe enough just to have one last try of a drug & bang my Son has to go through all that again.

Until I can be sure that she is on a committed recovery program / therapy how can I possibly let my Son back into that toxic abusive environment?

OP - from memory, he specifically told you he doesn't want contact or letters right? In which case, the obvious answer here is NOT to show the letter. Reading it, it is not as bad as I feared it would be although the fact that she hasn't actually apologised is a huge red flag for me, "I regret" implies she had no agency in what happened but that she wished it hadn't happened. That is in no way the same as , "I am sorry about the way I behaved."

I am quite concerned that she has your address as if she gets slightly better, she may try to force her selves on you and you have the issue of your DS feeling like you have betrayed him by giving the address. I'm not sure there's a solution to that at this time, but I'd be keeping that at the back of your mind.

Keep the letter, of course. If she sends others, read them and keep them too. But at this point, you are not responsible for facilitating a relationship between your son and his mother. If, over time, she can prove to you that she has really changed AND is willing to take real responsibility for her actions, then at some point in the future as your son himself starts to deal with the issues, you will be in a better position to potentially facilitate such arrangements. Personally, I'd need to see a LOT more consistency than one half hearted "note" - eg regular updates about how she's got work, confirmation that she's clean, perhaps her sending money to help pay for his care (to you, not to him). I wouldn't be giving him any birthday cards or gifts, but I'd need to see those arriving before I would even START to believe that she really does want to prioritise him.

At best, what you have here is that she is taking the first steps on a very long road. Feel free to be happy about that for yourself. But your DS doesn't need to know every little detail of her journey. Hell, I don't tell my DS all the details of his journey to try and overcome his challenges at school - he doesn't need to know about the long conversations with his teachers and tutor, the concerns both me and his teachers have expressed etc. He just knows we're all working to help him and cheering him on every time he makes progress.

Oh, and the considering suicide scares me. It's not clear if this was how he felt previously or currently but you really need to get him back into counselling asap.

Let ds know there is letter if you consider it s importsnt . If he busy starting school etc it can wait.
let ds know he can if he wishes meet his mum in a safe place with a trained facilitator such a family therapst
Is he seeing a counsellor already ?
He does not have to see her on his own

Do you have someone professional you can run things by?
Does ds have a social worker?
Or your own therapist?
Dont do anything to tock the boat ewth ds re starting school

He is wounded, no matter how well written, this letter is salt on the wound. Put it in a safe place and let him see it when he comes to you to tell you he can cope with contact with his mum.

Yes it is a bog deal to keep a mums contact from her son but it is the right thing to do when he is telling you loud and clear.

The fact he has turned his back on the idea of contact with his mum (for now) tells you the depth of the damage. It doesn't go away overnight. He needs to heal before he can calmly read that and not have his breath taken away at the needless suffering he has been put through.

Just put it in a safe place. Take a Deep Breath and know that on the balance of probability you are more likely to have done good than harm with that decision and give yourself permission to stop questioning the wisdom of it.

Good luck

@SpaceOP

OP - from memory, he specifically told you he doesn't want contact or letters right? In which case, the obvious answer here is NOT to show the letter. Reading it, it is not as bad as I feared it would be although the fact that she hasn't actually apologised is a huge red flag for me, "I regret" implies she had no agency in what happened but that she wished it hadn't happened. That is in no way the same as , "I am sorry about the way I behaved."

I am quite concerned that she has your address as if she gets slightly better, she may try to force her selves on you and you have the issue of your DS feeling like you have betrayed him by giving the address. I'm not sure there's a solution to that at this time, but I'd be keeping that at the back of your mind.

Keep the letter, of course. If she sends others, read them and keep them too. But at this point, you are not responsible for facilitating a relationship between your son and his mother. If, over time, she can prove to you that she has really changed AND is willing to take real responsibility for her actions, then at some point in the future as your son himself starts to deal with the issues, you will be in a better position to potentially facilitate such arrangements. Personally, I'd need to see a LOT more consistency than one half hearted "note" - eg regular updates about how she's got work, confirmation that she's clean, perhaps her sending money to help pay for his care (to you, not to him). I wouldn't be giving him any birthday cards or gifts, but I'd need to see those arriving before I would even START to believe that she really does want to prioritise him.

At best, what you have here is that she is taking the first steps on a very long road. Feel free to be happy about that for yourself. But your DS doesn't need to know every little detail of her journey. Hell, I don't tell my DS all the details of his journey to try and overcome his challenges at school - he doesn't need to know about the long conversations with his teachers and tutor, the concerns both me and his teachers have expressed etc. He just knows we're all working to help him and cheering him on every time he makes progress.

Oh, and the considering suicide scares me. It's not clear if this was how he felt previously or currently but you really need to get him back into counselling asap.

Around 2 months ago she left my Son a voice message on his mobile & it was very unsettling. It basically said that she needed to speak to him & that she has left him alone sometime but couldn't do that any more. The next bit really worried me. She said "please help me like I would help you". Fortunately my Son noticed that it was manipulation. I also used to receive text messages from her that were clearly written from the ex boyfriend. The reason I mention this is because I truly believe that the letter wasn't from her heart or mind. She is living with the grandma who believes "everyone makes mistakes" & it was her who ignored my request for letters not to be sent here. I am 99.9% the letter was written by his Mum but the context originated from the Grandma for one reason only & that is to benefit his Mum & not for my Sons wellbeing. I think she is sorry but for herself only. She is sorry that my son doesn't want to speak to her but isn't willing to take responsibility for it.

She has my address as I gave her it quite a while ago because she desperately needed it for a Child benefit claim. I wish I hadn't now but that's in the past. I was trying to be helpful & accommodating.

All letters will be kept. I did think to myself today that its funny how 5 months ago she said she had sent my Son a 13th Birthday Card but it never arrived but now she is asking for forgiveness I received a letter in a few days & she was asking me every day if I had received it. So when something benefits her basically. Se said to his older sister that when she got on her feet she would send him £10 pocket money.

I think at best what I have is his Mum trying to take the easiest option here. Have contact with my son again to make her feel better but not take responsibility & actually do any hard work about why all of this happened & how to prevent it in the future.

The mention of suicide was when he lived with her. She often called him names that upset him & she would threaten suicide in front of him. Basically everything was his fault & that's what she told everyone. He was "a little naughty b**tard" these words are from him.