The letter from my Son's Mum has arrived.

[malgrat78]

As some of you maybe aware I have been having an ongoing issue with my Son's Mum who was in a relationship with a drug addict & she was also using. My Son has been living with me for some months now & his Mum has now moved away & trying to get back in contact with him. However, my Son doesn't want any contact which he reconfirmed again last night when he wanted to discuss something with me. His Mum has wrote a letter to him which has come this morning.

I am not sure what to think about it. She does open by saying she hope he is ok & I hope you love been with your Dad & doing well at school. She goes on to say that she is staying with her Mum & she is on the council list & should have her own flat within 12 months.

What I am not too sure about is the next bit. It basically says “I hope that in time you can forgive me for all the trouble I caused, I do regret it. I know you won’t ever come back to live with me, I understand all that but in time I hope I can talk to you” Then the normal I love you lots & lots.

I think her mother may have helped with the context of the letter to be honest. I am a bit uncertain what to think about it especially the forgiveness bit. Should she be mentioning this to a 13-year-old after only been away just over 2 weeks? Surely if he see's this letter & the forgiveness bit he is going to feel pressurized into forgiving her. The destruction she has caused & heartache is not going to be solved in 2 weeks & with a letter. I personally would have centered the letter around my Son & how he was doing & not mentioned anything about forgiveness or my wants.

His mum did message me this morning to see if I had received it which was the 3rd time in 3 days that she has asked. My Son picked the letter up & luckily it was in my name but her writing so I am surprised that he never mentioned it to be honest.

What are people thoughts?

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Another idea - maybe ask him what you should do if his mother tries to contact him - does he want you to tell him that she has? Or would he rather not know?

Then if he says he would want you to tell him, THEN you can tell him "well actually, this letter is for you from her". If he says No, he doesn't want to know, then don't tell him about the letter.

Yeah this could be an idea. Just a quick chat & then at least I have asked him & his answer will basically clear things up without going into detail.

I could say to him something like "Son I know we agreed we wouldn't speak about your mum unless you want to but you know that she has moved away, I think she may try contacting you at some point. If she does would you like to know or rather not"

Perhaps ask him if he would like to hear from her. If he says no then store the letter and ask agin next year. If he says yes then say you have got a letter and if he wants to read it he can do.

@malgrat78 hasn’t he said already many times what he wants? No contact. You can’t seem to accept that which is worrying.

Yeah this could be an idea. Just a quick chat & then at least I have asked him & his answer will basically clear things up without going into detail.

I could say to him something like "Son I know we agreed we wouldn't speak about your mum unless you want to but you know that she has moved away, I think she may try contacting you at some point. If she does would you like to know or rather not"

Your son told you last night that he wanted no contact from his mother. Last night.

How much clearer does he have to make it to you before you hear him?

We spoke last night about his mum because something was on his mind. He gave me an idea about what he wants. He basically said he's rather not discuss his mum unless there's some major events such as her moving back to our city. He was quite upset during this discussion. He mentioned that it was that bad that he felt like killing himself which he feels ashamed of

He told you he doesn't want to discuss his Mum.

He told you he has felt so bad he felt like killing himself - your child has contemplated suicide over this.

Listen to what he has told you!

@lyralalala I couldn’t agree more with your post!

I wouldn't even ask him again. Keep the letter and only discuss if HE brings the subject of his mum. He clearly doesn't want to know anything about her. I would also strongly urge you to get a different phone number for his mobile so he knows any unknown numbers are not from her so he doesn't have to panic.

I really feel for you both. Such a tough situation.

[quote countbackfromten]@malgrat78 hasn’t he said already many times what he wants? No contact. You can’t seem to accept that which is worrying.[/quote]
I don't think that's very fair though - malgrat is trying to maintain openness and honesty with the boy as well, which wouldn't involve hiding the letter from him.

An open question without mentioning the letter at all would be ok.

Is it worth getting your son a new mobile phone number so that he can relax and know that any calls he receives cannot possibly be from her as she will not know the number. If need be he can keep the old number on a basic PAYG phone just for his grandparents/maternal family if you think there is a risk that they might pass the new number on to his mum.

I don't think that's very fair though - malgrat is trying to maintain openness and honesty with the boy as well, which wouldn't involve hiding the letter from him.

An open question without mentioning the letter at all would be ok.

The child told him last night that he didn't want any contact at all. He's told his Dad before that he doesn't want a letter.

This is a child who confided last night that he has contemplated suicide.

He's crying out for his father to shield him from his drug addict, emotionally abusive mother (and her interfering mother)

@ThumbWitchesAbroad openness and honesty are fine but repeatedly OP has said what his son has said including how it has affected his mental health and how he is scared of her having their address. He has been very clear but it feels like OP can’t respect that fully right now which is concerning.

I agree, talk to his counselor.

But perhaps you and he need to set some specific parameters? Just him saying 'protect me' is well and good, but I think you and he need to set guidelines and then put the control of them in his hands.

I'm going to assume that the two of you have agreed that you will not tell him if she's contacted you, but it a way that doesn't cover all the bases. A letter is a 'tangible' thing, it's different than just answering the phone.

I think I'd want to clarify:

Does he want to know if she has your address, if she contacts his school or a family friend inquiring about him?

If you receive a letter (or a text/voicemail) does he even want you to read it in the first place and/or does he want you to keep it or destroy it?

Once you get things clarified, let him know that you will abide by his decisions unless and until he tells you something different.

It's a horrible position for your son to be in.

[quote countbackfromten]@malgrat78 hasn’t he said already many times what he wants? No contact. You can’t seem to accept that which is worrying.[/quote]
The issue is with me is that I try to see the good in people & sometimes I forget that some people are just not good. I am too soft basically. I try to do the best by everyone & end up getting myself in a mess. Luckily so far with the help of people on here & friends I have made the right choices. I have to remind myself what heartache his Mum caused to him. She basically abandoned him, sold his property, forced him to be intimate with a strange man & then ended up on drugs. A letter asking for his forgiveness after only been away for 2 weeks doesn't really cut it. IF he wanted to speak to her or have contact which he may in future he would let me know. Right now he doesn't & to me no contact means no letter, phone calls, visits etc.

@malgrat78 that last post shows just what a good dad you are and that you do know what to do here. I try to see the good in people too but I have also learnt that not everyone does things with good intentions and to be sceptical. Sounds like you have worked out what to do and I wish you and your son all the happiness.

I think you should tell him can read when he feels ready. I would tell him that she understands he will not live with her again as he may be worried that he might have to? it might put his mind at rest to know she accepts that will not live with her.

Tell him it's there and he can read it if he likes. Don't hold it back from him. He's well aware of what she's like. Imagine worst case if you held it back and she died in the meantime?

@Carouselfish

Tell him it's there and he can read it if he likes. Don't hold it back from him. He's well aware of what she's like. Imagine worst case if you held it back and she died in the meantime?

There is an issue with this because he panics when he thinks his Mum may know where we live. I have to weigh up a lot of things which is causing the internal conflict.

@Carouselfish when you are dealing with someone that abusive it is incredibly damaging and not being listened to makes the trauma deeper. Mine was an ex not a parent but the damage has been done and I don’t think I will ever be the same person again. OP’s son has said what he wants over again and nothing good will come from exposing him to more trauma at the moment.

Do a Pros and Cons list of not giving him the letter...

Pros

You respect his repeated wish not to have contact with his mother
You shield him from the fact that his mother knows your address
You protect him from the upset of the letter before school returns and his counselling re-starts
You protect him from the pressure to forgive his mother
You protect him from the mention of him living with her again (even though she says she accepts it, it is clear from her mention that she wants him to live with her = guilt-trip)
You show Mum and Grandma that you are in charge of the situation and are adhering to your son's wishes, and not Grandma running the show
You protect him from pressure to reply to the letter

Cons

Mum and Granny won't be happy
?

[quote countbackfromten]@Carouselfish when you are dealing with someone that abusive it is incredibly damaging and not being listened to makes the trauma deeper. Mine was an ex not a parent but the damage has been done and I don’t think I will ever be the same person again. OP’s son has said what he wants over again and nothing good will come from exposing him to more trauma at the moment.[/quote]
I believe my Son has experienced trauma not just from his Mum using drugs & starting a relationship with a drug addict but deeper things that go back to his younger years. He keeps reminding me of her dishonesty & how she would call him "skinny" blame him for everything including her own feelings. Telling him the Police were outside & they would come to arrest him if he didn't behave. Calling him "a little b**tard" to all her family. His PS4 games were sold along with other items. People telling him that his mum was a "crack head". Just so many things that the poor lad can remember & now she thinks she can write a letter asking for forgiveness after just 2 weeks of been away.

I can I be sure that contact from her isn't just going to traumatize him more? I cannot see how things will be any different until she gets help & to be honest I am 99.9% what ever is written in that letter is not from his Mum's own mind & from the Grandma who hasnt got my Sons best interest at heart & just wants to get her daughter off of her back. They all believe my Son is there to fix his Mum.

They all believe my Son is there to fix his Mum
then you must shield him from them, stop thinking about his mother's feelings, she is not your problem to fix.
None of them have any legitimate claim on your time, attention or goodwill.

@lyralalala

Pros

You respect his repeated wish not to have contact with his mother
You shield him from the fact that his mother knows your address
You protect him from the upset of the letter before school returns and his counselling re-starts
You protect him from the pressure to forgive his mother
You protect him from the mention of him living with her again (even though she says she accepts it, it is clear from her mention that she wants him to live with her = guilt-trip)
You show Mum and Grandma that you are in charge of the situation and are adhering to your son's wishes, and not Grandma running the show
You protect him from pressure to reply to the letter

Cons

Mum and Granny won't be happy
?

SPOT ON!!!!! Thank you for this :)

Yes why even mention "I know you wont ever come back to live with me" Reading between the lines & knowing how she is & the Grandma isn't that a way of trying to get him to speak to her? Isn't that manipulating him? Isn't that again all about what she wants? Why not write & say that she hopes he is doing well at School etc & leave it at that. Look at all the 'I' references & "i'm" where are the things centered around my Sons welfare apart from "hope you're doing well at School"

Even the sentence "hope you love living with you're Dad" isn't necessary & could be seen as a way of making him feel guilty.

Think there is more to this letter than I know especially given the fact that I clearly asked for it not to be sent here but to his Big Sisters & his Mum has asked me 3 times if I have received it even when I have told her that when I do I shall be discussing it with his counselor before I make any decision.

@malgrat78 Like I said to you yesterday - this letter it's Grandma's way of taking charge

You said no to a letter because your DS said no to a letter - so she sent a note. Is it a note? Because it sounds like a letter to me...

Grandma told her daughter what to expect - what did she tell her daughter and why is she thinking she is in charge?

You asked that the letter not be sent to you - so why did you end up giving the address and agreeing to the "note"?

You've been asked 3 times already about a letter that you requested not be sent and will not be giving it to him - why is that?

Like I said to you before I mean this anything I say in the most supportive way, but you need to bloody well take charge of this situation

Why are you letting Mum and Grandma over-rule you all the time?

Your child, your 13-year-old child, has confided in you - the person he trusts to keep him safe - that he thought about killing himself. Think about that for a second. This situation is so bad that your child has considered suicide.

You really need to put your big boy pants on and take control of this situation now

Grey rock technique for Mum and Grandma
Get the counselling set back up for your DS and make sure they know he has mentioned killing himslef
Get yourself some counselling to help you learn how to deal with your need to see the best in everyone

Allowing this "note" has opened the floodgates, you know that. You are going to be pestered repeatedly now about letting him see it. There are going to be follow up letters (you need to make sure that you open all mail to your address). There are going to be texts and phones calls. You need to deal with them. You are the adult, you need to be the adult and protect your child

Please don't give him the letter, given what he said. He's been very clear that he wants no contact, keep respecting that. Keep the letter in case he asks about it in the future. This is such a tough situation, & the risk is that he will be badly hurt again if communication starts & then takes a (predictable) turn. The comment about forgiving already sounds like emotional blackmail in my view.

I haven´t read the previous thread, but a few things that stick out to me is that you are still trying to please everyone, while there is a child who desperately needs you to be on his side. He needs to come much further up the list and what your ex and her mother would like needs to come way, way further down your list of priorities. The pros and cons list is really good. It shows exactly where your priorities need to be.

Regarding the letter, there is nothing there that needs to be said right here and now. Nothing urgent that your son said he wanted to know about. So just leave it for now. The letter will be there in six months or a year or whenever it is appropriate to bring it up. What your son needs now is a completely break from this and it is your responsibility to give it to him. And tbh, fuck what your ex and her mother want. They are not your responsibility.