The letter from my Son's Mum has arrived.

[malgrat78]

As some of you maybe aware I have been having an ongoing issue with my Son's Mum who was in a relationship with a drug addict & she was also using. My Son has been living with me for some months now & his Mum has now moved away & trying to get back in contact with him. However, my Son doesn't want any contact which he reconfirmed again last night when he wanted to discuss something with me. His Mum has wrote a letter to him which has come this morning.

I am not sure what to think about it. She does open by saying she hope he is ok & I hope you love been with your Dad & doing well at school. She goes on to say that she is staying with her Mum & she is on the council list & should have her own flat within 12 months.

What I am not too sure about is the next bit. It basically says “I hope that in time you can forgive me for all the trouble I caused, I do regret it. I know you won’t ever come back to live with me, I understand all that but in time I hope I can talk to you” Then the normal I love you lots & lots.

I think her mother may have helped with the context of the letter to be honest. I am a bit uncertain what to think about it especially the forgiveness bit. Should she be mentioning this to a 13-year-old after only been away just over 2 weeks? Surely if he see's this letter & the forgiveness bit he is going to feel pressurized into forgiving her. The destruction she has caused & heartache is not going to be solved in 2 weeks & with a letter. I personally would have centered the letter around my Son & how he was doing & not mentioned anything about forgiveness or my wants.

His mum did message me this morning to see if I had received it which was the 3rd time in 3 days that she has asked. My Son picked the letter up & luckily it was in my name but her writing so I am surprised that he never mentioned it to be honest.

What are people thoughts?

@malgrat78 reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Your poor son. No child should ever have to go through anything like that. Luckily he has you fighting his corner and supporting him and your posts over the last while have been so insightful as you process what you need to do. And what @lyralalala has said has been spot on throughout.

When you waver read those posts. Know you are protecting your son and keeping him safe and loved. And that matters more than anything else.

In future I would send all letters back “not known at this address.” I wouldn’t even open them.

Then I would tell the woman you’ve moved. Why in the name of God did you give her your address?

[quote lyralalala]@malgrat78 Like I said to you yesterday - this letter it's Grandma's way of taking charge

You said no to a letter because your DS said no to a letter - so she sent a note. Is it a note? Because it sounds like a letter to me...

Grandma told her daughter what to expect - what did she tell her daughter and why is she thinking she is in charge?

You asked that the letter not be sent to you - so why did you end up giving the address and agreeing to the "note"?

You've been asked 3 times already about a letter that you requested not be sent and will not be giving it to him - why is that?

Like I said to you before I mean this anything I say in the most supportive way, but you need to bloody well take charge of this situation

Why are you letting Mum and Grandma over-rule you all the time?

Your child, your 13-year-old child, has confided in you - the person he trusts to keep him safe - that he thought about killing himself. Think about that for a second. This situation is so bad that your child has considered suicide.

You really need to put your big boy pants on and take control of this situation now

Grey rock technique for Mum and Grandma
Get the counselling set back up for your DS and make sure they know he has mentioned killing himslef
Get yourself some counselling to help you learn how to deal with your need to see the best in everyone

Allowing this "note" has opened the floodgates, you know that. You are going to be pestered repeatedly now about letting him see it. There are going to be follow up letters (you need to make sure that you open all mail to your address). There are going to be texts and phones calls. You need to deal with them. You are the adult, you need to be the adult and protect your child[/quote]
Thank you once again for being honest & straight to the point. It is what I need to hear :)

I agree with everything you say. I am being too soft & I need to stick to my Guns here & not let it slip because anything other & I can imagine the conversation between his Mum & Grandma which would be along the lines of "Gotcha now"

None of that letter was for my Son's benefit. The statement by the Grandma "everyone makes mistakes" sums up what she wants. I am afraid his mum initially made a mistake yes but then a lot of wrong decisions & not mistakes.

My Son confiding in me at the age of 13 that he felt like killing himself is all I really need to know. If I push contact on him with his mum which I would be doing by allowing him to read this letter then I could potentially be letting my Son back into a relationship with someone who made him feel suicidal at such a young age! That is the one thing that I need to keep reminding myself & the one thing that should drive all my decisions. It would be like pushing someone in the front of a Bus knowing the outcome.

@AlternativePerspective

In future I would send all letters back “not known at this address.” I wouldn’t even open them.

Then I would tell the woman you’ve moved. Why in the name of God did you give her your address?

No. I disagree completely with that.

I know there were letters written to me by my father. I know there is a chance that they are still in the bureau at my mother's house, but not as many as there would have been because she got fed up and did exactly that.

He died. I won't have even the slightest chance of seeing them until her house is cleared on death and even then, only if she hasn't destroyed them in the intervening period or her other children don't take it upon themselves to erase every element of him ever existing.

Accept the letters, keep them safe.

@AlternativePerspective

In future I would send all letters back “not known at this address.” I wouldn’t even open them.

Then I would tell the woman you’ve moved. Why in the name of God did you give her your address?

I wouldn’t do that

The letters need to be opened and read by the OP so that he can see the tone and see any threats or escalations.

Your Son is understandably feeling very upset and fragile now, as you witnessed in the chat that you had earlier. I would tell him about the letter, but he may wan't to shun reading it right now, because of how he feels about no contact with his Mother, and this might mean not wanting to read anything about his Mum either.

A written letter , and the words in it, will stay in your Sons mind, and cause him more grief and confusion possibly, so he may not wish to read it anyway, which would be a wise choice right now. Tell your Son about the letter, but keep it for him,and see how things pan out in the future, when he is more stable with his feelings about everything.

@malgrat78 Again I’m glad you understand and are ok with the bluntness

None of that letter was for my Son's benefit. The statement by the Grandma "everyone makes mistakes" sums up what she wants. I am afraid his mum initially made a mistake yes but then a lot of wrong decisions & not mistakes.

Exactly that. That letter was Mum making herself feel better and Grandma controlling the tone

Do not forget one big thing - your ex would get housed quicker if she had your son with her. So any mention of him living with her and timescales should be treated with extreme caution - as well as the blackmail

My Son confiding in me at the age of 13 that he felt like killing himself is all I really need to know. If I push contact on him with his mum which I would be doing by allowing him to read this letter then I could potentially be letting my Son back into a relationship with someone who made him feel suicidal at such a young age! That is the one thing that I need to keep reminding myself & the one thing that should drive all my decisions. It would be like pushing someone in the front of a Bus knowing the outcome.

Exactly!

He’s a child. Right now seeing his mother, the woman who’s actions have left him thinking about suicide, shouldn’t be something he was doing even if he was champing at the bit to see her! She’s not what he needs in his life right now and he is the important one.

Two things I want to say - one; please make sure your home security is up to scratch. These people are pushy and don’t give a shit about boundaries. Be prepared to call the police if they turn up

And two; standing up to Mum and Grandma does not make you a bad person. Seeing the best in people isn’t an inherently bad thing and putting it aside is unnatural for you. It will get easier with practise

@sonjadog

I haven´t read the previous thread, but a few things that stick out to me is that you are still trying to please everyone, while there is a child who desperately needs you to be on his side. He needs to come much further up the list and what your ex and her mother would like needs to come way, way further down your list of priorities. The pros and cons list is really good. It shows exactly where your priorities need to be.

Regarding the letter, there is nothing there that needs to be said right here and now. Nothing urgent that your son said he wanted to know about. So just leave it for now. The letter will be there in six months or a year or whenever it is appropriate to bring it up. What your son needs now is a completely break from this and it is your responsibility to give it to him. And tbh, fuck what your ex and her mother want. They are not your responsibility.

Yes I need to keep my Son's needs as my main priority here & stop trying to please everyone. He is the vulnerable Child & my decisions could shape his future & his mental / emotional wellbeing. His Mum needs to concentrate on her own issues & stop pushing contact with her Son after just a couple of weeks. I am almost certain she will not be addressing her issues & looking at why she believed getting involved with a stranger who she knew was a drug addict is acceptable. She put my Son into danger having this guy move in. Completely irresponsible so what is to say this could never happen again. Not to mention the emotional mental abuse that my Son suffered even before this chain of events.

As you say there is nothing of benefit in the letter which cant wait. He is currently happy, content & taking things good so why should I potentially jeopardize this just because his Mum claims to be sorry.

OP, you've taken the comments here on board about listening to your son's decision about not wanting any contact, which is good.

Keep the letter, yes, but don't mention it (certainly not before seeing the counsellor). Pull those big boy pants up and tell mum/grandma not to send anything else, of any sort. Put your son's wishes at the heart of everything right now.

They all believe my Son is there to fix his Mum.

Keep a record of all communications, attempts at contact, etc. Now they have your address, they could start harrassing for contact, given this comment you made.

A poster's suggestion of a new phone number sounds good, perhaps put the old sim into a cheap phone so you can keep an eye on anything potentially sent by his mum (would also be useful as evidence if they do start harrassing you/your son).

I don’t know the backstory and I’m sorry for that.

I just wanted to say that I knew of an addict who was encouraged to write to their children to express their love and regrets. I think it was an addiction support group suggestion (but could be wrong!)

I don’t know if this could be a similar thing - but I just wanted to share.

@AlternativePerspective

In future I would send all letters back “not known at this address.” I wouldn’t even open them.

Then I would tell the woman you’ve moved. Why in the name of God did you give her your address?

I reluctantly gave her my address around 6 months ago. She needed it for some child benefit claim. I thought she had lost it but obviously not. Wish I hadn't now but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.

[quote lyralalala]@malgrat78 Again I’m glad you understand and are ok with the bluntness

None of that letter was for my Son's benefit. The statement by the Grandma "everyone makes mistakes" sums up what she wants. I am afraid his mum initially made a mistake yes but then a lot of wrong decisions & not mistakes.

Exactly that. That letter was Mum making herself feel better and Grandma controlling the tone

Do not forget one big thing - your ex would get housed quicker if she had your son with her. So any mention of him living with her and timescales should be treated with extreme caution - as well as the blackmail

My Son confiding in me at the age of 13 that he felt like killing himself is all I really need to know. If I push contact on him with his mum which I would be doing by allowing him to read this letter then I could potentially be letting my Son back into a relationship with someone who made him feel suicidal at such a young age! That is the one thing that I need to keep reminding myself & the one thing that should drive all my decisions. It would be like pushing someone in the front of a Bus knowing the outcome.

Exactly!

He’s a child. Right now seeing his mother, the woman who’s actions have left him thinking about suicide, shouldn’t be something he was doing even if he was champing at the bit to see her! She’s not what he needs in his life right now and he is the important one.

Two things I want to say - one; please make sure your home security is up to scratch. These people are pushy and don’t give a shit about boundaries. Be prepared to call the police if they turn up

And two; standing up to Mum and Grandma does not make you a bad person. Seeing the best in people isn’t an inherently bad thing and putting it aside is unnatural for you. It will get easier with practise[/quote]
Unfortunately my Son was used for financial gain previously. She falsely claimed that he was still living with her so she could get a 2 bed house & then she tried Claiming child benefit when he was living with me because in her words "I cant afford to live without my money". She classed Child Benefit as 'her money' & not what it is for which is to Benefit the Child so yeah I am very mindful of the possible housing / financial gain.

I agree that no matter what he doesn't need the stress in his life at the moment & that's all it will cause. He will feel undue pressure & uncertainty as to the outcome of things.

My house is very secure luckily. Good locks & catches on all windows.

His Mum needs to concentrate on her own issues
but she wont, she doesnt want to face reality, she may never face it, accept this and stop hoping she will turn into co-parent.
Accept that she is a lost cause, turn your back on her. Not because you dont have compassion, you do, you sincerely hope for her to get the help she needs, but you cannot help her and if she see's a crack in the door her and her mother will be there with crowbars.
Shut them out.

@MulticolourMophead

OP, you've taken the comments here on board about listening to your son's decision about not wanting any contact, which is good.

Keep the letter, yes, but don't mention it (certainly not before seeing the counsellor). Pull those big boy pants up and tell mum/grandma not to send anything else, of any sort. Put your son's wishes at the heart of everything right now.

They all believe my Son is there to fix his Mum.

Keep a record of all communications, attempts at contact, etc. Now they have your address, they could start harrassing for contact, given this comment you made.

A poster's suggestion of a new phone number sounds good, perhaps put the old sim into a cheap phone so you can keep an eye on anything potentially sent by his mum (would also be useful as evidence if they do start harrassing you/your son).

Big Boy pants have now been pulled back up :)

I shall keep all correspondence with the rest of the stuff I have collated over the months for future reference.

Yeah I think a new mobile number is probably a good idea at this point.

@Heffalooomia

His Mum needs to concentrate on her own issues but she wont, she doesnt want to face reality, she may never face it, accept this and stop hoping she will turn into co-parent. Accept that she is a lost cause, turn your back on her. Not because you dont have compassion, you do, you sincerely hope for her to get the help she needs, but you cannot help her and if she see's a crack in the door her and her mother will be there with crowbars. Shut them out.

What I have learnt over the years is that sometimes helping people doesn't in fact help them it sometimes enables their behavior & prevents them from hitting rock bottom. His Mum & family believe my Son is the cure for all her problems. If I allow this to happen she will never face her demons & in the process take my Son with her. I have to remember that my Sons Mum is a product of her Mum therefore I must not listen to any suggestions or advice from her.

As you say any slight give / compliance on my part they will all be there pushing their way in for more!

I’ve no experience parenting teenagers but would it be appropriate to have a gentle conversation with your son about the ‘terms’ of his No Contact, and ask him whether he’d like to be informed if she tries to make contact? To come up with an agreement together in the event of mail, for example, would he like letters to be kept/read by you/destroyed and then you follow through on his decision? Of course he can change his mind at any point. You’d be his appointed gatekeeper.

I would also add that There’s no such thing as ‘harmless’ contact attempts in a No Contact situation.

Hi iv been following this story from the start as i am i patent that has been in your suitation.

Firstly id like to say well dine for protecting your son.

Heres how i dealt with mine. My daughter was young and her father went on drugs. Shes 25 now. So was 20years about. Anyway i stopped all contact from him with her till he was clean. Even if she went to grandparents he was not to be there. His mother has been great and understood my wishes for her.

It took him 20 years he is clean about 3 years now and they have a good relationship now.
But until that happened he was never goin to bring my daughter into that horrid world of drugs. On the other hand ge never wanted to know her and when he came back into her life it hurt me a lot but i had to bite my tongue for her sake

Anyways i would tell your son the letter is there let him read it.
Then you write back and tell her there will be no contact till you can prove to me your clean.

Anyway hope it helps a bit because he is at teenager age and thats a tough time for kids with emotions

Hope all goes well for you and your son

You shield him from the fact that his mother knows your address

You can’t: he saw the envelope with his Mum’s handwriting on it.

Since her knowing the address is a major fear of his I think you need to re-assure him. Say it is a letter in which she says she is living at Granmas, has put her name down for a council house there, Knows that he will not live there with her, but says she loves him.

All that is true, the letter does say those things.

But he saw a letter arrive. If you don’t mention it to him his imagination will be running wild even if he keeps it close to his chest.

I’m not familiar with the background to all this but are you the foster mum? You don’t sound mentally equipped to deal with the situation. It’s really not appropriate to be asking for advice on Mumsnet.

I too am worried that you are not respecting your sons wishes. He said no contact. The only reason there is contact is because YOU are letting it, not just phone but text too to you.

You need to stop. Just keep the letter but don’t read any more. It’s not for you. You need to protect his wishes.

All the I’m too soft and I only see the good in people is not OK as an excuse to wear down your sons boundaries.

No is a full sentence.

@laidbacklife

I’m not familiar with the background to all this but are you the foster mum? You don’t sound mentally equipped to deal with the situation. It’s really not appropriate to be asking for advice on Mumsnet.

Perhaps you should have looked at the OP's posts, at least, before commenting.

He is the boy's father.

My 12 yr old niece lives with her Dad and has a very similar mum to your sons mum. They have sporadic contact but she hasn’t seen her for over 3 years. She knows that if she wants contact with her mum they her dad and me support that but she equally knows that she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to. She was most worried about upsetting me as I am her mum figure. I have reassured her that I will not be upset if she has contact with her mum but I support her if she doesn’t want to have contact too. She came to stay with me recently and said she would only text her mum and not speak to her while she was with me but I made it clear she could speak to her if she wanted and it wouldn’t upset me. I am the person that talks to her about periods, girly stuff etc and she knows I will always be there for her. The older she gets the less she wants to speak to her mum and has no desire to see her. I think she misses what their relationship should be not who her mum is.

It is tragic, she is a beautiful, lovely girl and her mum misses out on so much but she has me and her Dad and other family who would do anything for her but it has taken a while for her to realise it is her mum with the problem and it is not because of her.

Good luck

@Slippersandgin

I don’t know the backstory and I’m sorry for that.

I just wanted to say that I knew of an addict who was encouraged to write to their children to express their love and regrets. I think it was an addiction support group suggestion (but could be wrong!)

I don’t know if this could be a similar thing - but I just wanted to share.

It's Step 9 in a 12-step program, “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” So you contact people and acknowledge the harm you did to them, apologise, pay back money, try to heal wounds. You have to be willing to accept that some people won't want the contact - someone close to me had let me down too many times for me to be willing to give her another try.

It comes after doing an awful lot of thinking and talking with your sponsor, and all has to be done while you're completely clean.

I really can't be having with all the god in the AA/NA/whatever 12 steps but it works really well for some people. It's supposed to be the best free group therapy around.

@DidoAtTheLido

You shield him from the fact that his mother knows your address

You can’t: he saw the envelope with his Mum’s handwriting on it.

Since her knowing the address is a major fear of his I think you need to re-assure him. Say it is a letter in which she says she is living at Granmas, has put her name down for a council house there, Knows that he will not live there with her, but says she loves him.

All that is true, the letter does say those things.

But he saw a letter arrive. If you don’t mention it to him his imagination will be running wild even if he keeps it close to his chest.

I have looked at the envelope again & it wasn't his Mum's handwriting. It was addressed to me & if he had of thought it was from his Mum he would have definitely mentioned it. He picked the letter up with a handful of other packages & letters.

I have previously told him that his Mum has gone to live with his Grandma for a while which did reassure him that he wouldn't bump into her like he did fear might happen.

@MagentaRocks

My 12 yr old niece lives with her Dad and has a very similar mum to your sons mum. They have sporadic contact but she hasn’t seen her for over 3 years. She knows that if she wants contact with her mum they her dad and me support that but she equally knows that she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to. She was most worried about upsetting me as I am her mum figure. I have reassured her that I will not be upset if she has contact with her mum but I support her if she doesn’t want to have contact too. She came to stay with me recently and said she would only text her mum and not speak to her while she was with me but I made it clear she could speak to her if she wanted and it wouldn’t upset me. I am the person that talks to her about periods, girly stuff etc and she knows I will always be there for her. The older she gets the less she wants to speak to her mum and has no desire to see her. I think she misses what their relationship should be not who her mum is.

It is tragic, she is a beautiful, lovely girl and her mum misses out on so much but she has me and her Dad and other family who would do anything for her but it has taken a while for her to realise it is her mum with the problem and it is not because of her.

Good luck

:) that's great that she has you & her Dad. Thank you for sharing this.

It is tragic but unfortunately it can be for the best as it appears in your case. Some people are just not very good to be in a Childs life even their parents.