The letter from my Son's Mum has arrived.

[malgrat78]

As some of you maybe aware I have been having an ongoing issue with my Son's Mum who was in a relationship with a drug addict & she was also using. My Son has been living with me for some months now & his Mum has now moved away & trying to get back in contact with him. However, my Son doesn't want any contact which he reconfirmed again last night when he wanted to discuss something with me. His Mum has wrote a letter to him which has come this morning.

I am not sure what to think about it. She does open by saying she hope he is ok & I hope you love been with your Dad & doing well at school. She goes on to say that she is staying with her Mum & she is on the council list & should have her own flat within 12 months.

What I am not too sure about is the next bit. It basically says “I hope that in time you can forgive me for all the trouble I caused, I do regret it. I know you won’t ever come back to live with me, I understand all that but in time I hope I can talk to you” Then the normal I love you lots & lots.

I think her mother may have helped with the context of the letter to be honest. I am a bit uncertain what to think about it especially the forgiveness bit. Should she be mentioning this to a 13-year-old after only been away just over 2 weeks? Surely if he see's this letter & the forgiveness bit he is going to feel pressurized into forgiving her. The destruction she has caused & heartache is not going to be solved in 2 weeks & with a letter. I personally would have centered the letter around my Son & how he was doing & not mentioned anything about forgiveness or my wants.

His mum did message me this morning to see if I had received it which was the 3rd time in 3 days that she has asked. My Son picked the letter up & luckily it was in my name but her writing so I am surprised that he never mentioned it to be honest.

What are people thoughts?

My DDs are adopted.
When we receive contact letters I read them (contact is officially between the adults).
Then I hold them back for up to 10 days to get a 'good' time to receive them. (e.g. I might hold back until a weekend, or after an upcoming event.)
Then I say 'we have had a letter from XX, do you want to read it? If they say yes they get it, if no then I say OK I'll leave it here for a week in case you change your mind, after that I'll file it but ask if you want it.

However the letters we receive are vetted first by Social Workers.

I would show him but reassure that there isno need for him to do anything . I know my foster sisters dad, wnt into the SS office asking about the kids, my foster sister was told, din,t know what to make of it. But just as well, next thing she heard was he had died. At least we could say that he hadn,t forgotton them. If she hadn,t known about him asking she may have just thought bad thoughts about hiim.

If he does read it, I think it's worth making sure he knows that:

Nobody owes forgiveness to anyone, and it's wrong to pressure a person to forgive

Forgiveness does not mean you want to have any contact with the person. It just means you don't wish them any harm.

(Just my opinion)

I would not have given her mother your address I’m afraid but too late for that now.

I think you need to sit down with him and ask him to give you some clear principles for how to proceed both now and in the future. If she tries to contact him, does he want to know about it? Does he want you to rebuff her, or to tell her to keep writing but he won’t read the letters now but may want to at a later date of his choosing? Does he want you to communicate about his life, achievements, wellbeing etc to his grandmother and / or his mother, on his behalf? Does he want to know if grandma or mother calls you? Or does he just want to know nothing whatsoever and for you to block / shield him completely? Etc.

It is v hard to navigate this situation without some firm principles in place from him. Obviously you need to emphasise to him that he can change the rules at any time - if he decides he’s ready to receive letters / do phone calls / whatever then he just has to tell you and you can formulate a new set of rules together which you will help him to implement.

Good advice from @JacobReesMogadishu

I think a lot of posters don't understand the backstory that your son has asked for no contact. In normal situations, withholding a letter would be unfair and deceitful. But it's very different if he has asked you to help protect him from unwanted contact. In that case, giving him the letter might mean putting his mum and gran's wishes above your son's.

You know him best, follow your instincts,
and if you do tell him, choose a time that works for him and apply no pressure for him to read it.

I think tell her that you will not pass the letter on. Your son has said no contact. He probably recognised the handwriting but has not asked. If you think he saw the envelope you do need to reassure him though that she will not come to the house.

Don’t you post this every couple days?

The other issue I have is that he thinks his mum does not know our address and it scares him thinking that she may have.

Ok, in that case then I think your primary obligation is to protect him from all contact from his mum, and return the letter to her reiterating that he does not want contact and she needs to respect his boundaries.

You definitely need to tell him you have the letter and he can read it if he wants. I would have been so angry had one parent kept a letter like that from me. He then has the option to read it if he wants. You can talk to him about the fact he doesn't have to forgive her if he doesn't want to just because she asks, if you are governed about that. But I don't think it's a problem that she asks for forgiveness tbh.

It should be about the best interests of the child-
Keep the letter, for when he is old enough, but addiction is hard for any child.
They absolutely need to forgive on their own terms, in their own time, and not to feel pressured.
I know adult children of addicts, albeit ones who cleaned up, and the capacity for forgiveness is humbling.
But a parent must realise that it is not a right to be forgiven, but an honour.

Can you say to son

"I know you want no contact and we're going to make sure that happens. So if your Mum sends a letter I shall just put it away. "

@Thinkingg

Good advice from *@JacobReesMogadishu*

I think a lot of posters don't understand the backstory that your son has asked for no contact. In normal situations, withholding a letter would be unfair and deceitful. But it's very different if he has asked you to help protect him from unwanted contact. In that case, giving him the letter might mean putting his mum and gran's wishes above your son's.

You know him best, follow your instincts,
and if you do tell him, choose a time that works for him and apply no pressure for him to read it.

We spoke last night about his mum because something was on his mind. He gave me an idea about what he wants. He basically said he's rather not discuss his mum unless there's some major events such as her moving back to our city. He was quite upset during this discussion. He mentioned that it was that bad that he felt like killing himself which he feels ashamed of. It took me a while to get him settled and reassure him that he is not a bad person for feeling like he did and he's done absolutely nothing wrong but his mum is just in a bad place at the moment. I don't want this letter to cause him any more upset.

Why are you wavering again?

Honestly @malgrat78 you need to get yourself some professional counselling or guidance to help you deal with this feeling you have that your son's Mum is entitled to be in his life.

Your son has told you, multiple times, that he doesn't want to have any contact with his mother, in fact he has asked you not to even bring it up.

He is about to go back to school and does not need to be unsettled right before it.

Until he's settled at school and counselling you need to be his shield.

You also need to put Grandma in her place and remind her that you are looking out for your DS - she is not in charge in this situation. As soon as she pulled the whole "it's not a letter, it's a note" bollocks it was blatantly obvious what was going to happen.

You can see yourself that the letter is pure pressure - pressure on your son to forgive her and pressure on him to one day live with her. You need to protect your son from this.

However, my Son doesn't want any contact which he reconfirmed again last night when he wanted to discuss something with me.

There's your answer, I think. He's told you he doesn't want any contact and checking whether he's changed his mind will just make him think you think he should. At some time in the future you could mention that if he ever wants to know what she's said he can just ask you.

I can't remember whether you told him she was going to write.

My Son picked the letter up & luckily it was in my name but her writing so I am surprised that he never mentioned it to be honest.

Would he recognise her writing? If he would, he knows the letter's arrived. If he wants to know what's in it he'll ask. Give him that control.

If your son has said he wants no contact then I would respect his wishes and keep the letter in case he asks for contact in the future...

Sorry this is your son but his letter is from his mum.

So you’re the dad? Is that right?

I think you need to show your son how transparent you are. Don’t withhold the letter. Give and overview and then say you can read it if you want and if you don’t that’s fine too. I’ll keep it somewhere safe. You don’t need to respond to the letter at all and nothing has changed about where you live and who takes care of you. So be reassuring, affirming his wishes, and keep him and his needs right at the top of your priorities.

I think withholding the letter could make him feel like the adults in his life lie/withhold things from him. Which isn’t your agenda? So be transparent.

Your son needs to feel safe, respected and in control.

He has asked you to protect him from any contact from his Mum.

Mum has let him down left, right and centre. Grandma is letting him down by not giving a shit about him, only Mum.

He needs to be allowed to have boundaries and he needs your help to enforce them.

The problem is that many posters are unaware of the back story here btw. You’d do better having one thread and just reviving it when you want to post again. Starting a new thread each time is just going to bring in a lot of ill informed posters.

@SuzieCarmichael

The problem is that many posters are unaware of the back story here btw. You’d do better having one thread and just reviving it when you want to post again. Starting a new thread each time is just going to bring in a lot of ill informed posters.

Yes sorry I now wish I had of carried the last thread on instead of posting a new one.

I think from your update you don’t tell him. I don’t know the back story but it sounds bad.

I’m sorry I don’t know the back story, is she his birth mother and you’ve adopted or fostered him? There’s some great advice on here re telling him the letter is there. It sounds like you’re doing a great job with him 💐

I would hold onto it safely in case he changes his mind in the future. I might, depending upon what I already knew, consider contacting her by whatever means (such as via her mother) and say he isn't ready yet, but you would keep anything sent safe for him.

That way, if he does feel the need to, whether it's because he's ready or, worst case, she's died, you haven't taken the chance for him to read her words/know that she was still thinking of him and, at least to some extent, of the impact her actions had on him.

And she can know that maintaining communication isn't a guaranteed waste of time.

What happens if he reads it and wants to contact her, gets his hopes up and she's not done anything to address her issues and falls back into old ways and upsets him again

Personally, I have always taken the view that it is best my children know their father on a ‘warts and all’ basis. They then get the opportunity to make their own decisions about their relationship with him, based on the real him and not on some sanitizer, pedestal position which places him as something more in their minds because they lack that knowledge and experience of his behaviour. If he lets them down, I am there to soothe and support, but I am not his substitute and I make no excuses for his actions/inactions.

They are all in their teens now and they have excellent relationships with him but they also know full well which side their bread is buttered!

I agree with goinggreyer timetest and sadie9
Tell him that a letter has arrived from her, you will put in a safe place and if wants to read it he can. Precis the letter for him, she knows that he will stay with you, but she just wants to say sorry, etc etc. He doesn't need to reply, but it's there if he wants to read it. Maybe take a photo of it, just in case he rips it up.
I hope the two of you are getting some kind of counseling because that's a massive burden for you both to carry.

wish I had of carried the last thread on
Hi Malgrat:) maybe link to the old thread, or summarize the back story?