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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The letter from my Son's Mum has arrived.

215 replies

malgrat78 · 05/09/2020 15:27

As some of you maybe aware I have been having an ongoing issue with my Son's Mum who was in a relationship with a drug addict & she was also using. My Son has been living with me for some months now & his Mum has now moved away & trying to get back in contact with him. However, my Son doesn't want any contact which he reconfirmed again last night when he wanted to discuss something with me. His Mum has wrote a letter to him which has come this morning.

I am not sure what to think about it. She does open by saying she hope he is ok & I hope you love been with your Dad & doing well at school. She goes on to say that she is staying with her Mum & she is on the council list & should have her own flat within 12 months.

What I am not too sure about is the next bit. It basically says “I hope that in time you can forgive me for all the trouble I caused, I do regret it. I know you won’t ever come back to live with me, I understand all that but in time I hope I can talk to you” Then the normal I love you lots & lots.

I think her mother may have helped with the context of the letter to be honest. I am a bit uncertain what to think about it especially the forgiveness bit. Should she be mentioning this to a 13-year-old after only been away just over 2 weeks? Surely if he see's this letter & the forgiveness bit he is going to feel pressurized into forgiving her. The destruction she has caused & heartache is not going to be solved in 2 weeks & with a letter. I personally would have centered the letter around my Son & how he was doing & not mentioned anything about forgiveness or my wants.

His mum did message me this morning to see if I had received it which was the 3rd time in 3 days that she has asked. My Son picked the letter up & luckily it was in my name but her writing so I am surprised that he never mentioned it to be honest.

What are people thoughts?

OP posts:

Scottishskifun · 17/12/2020 15:16

If he knows about them and chooses to read them at the time then his choice but equally his choice if he doesn't.

There is nothing wrong with then keeping it for if he changes his mind when older and he is aware of this and can ask for it at any time

SirChing · 17/12/2020 15:21

Also, things aren't set in stone. In three months time he may be emotionally stronger and able to deal with more. You could mention them at that point. For now, telling him about them, and putting the decision onto his young shoulders, is something he clearly cannot cope with. If he is pissed off with you in the future, that you didn't tell him instantly, well at least he is alive to be pissed off with you.

Keeping your son from suicide HAS to be your number one priority. Whatever it takes. His mother and her family's wants, shouldn't even make it onto the list, let alone be at the bottom of it!

UltimateIrritant · 17/12/2020 15:23

Personally I think Christmas presents don't count as 'major events' he wants/needs to know about. If he does want to know about cards or presents from his mum he will ask you.

I too agree with SirChing - respect your sons needs and wishes now and protect him from his mother. You have all the written evidence you could ever need about your thoughts and decision making in the unlikely event he will ever be more than hugely grateful that you protected him.
I also think that you should go no contact with his mother and anyone else that has news/contact with her.
You sound like a good man trying his best in the circumstances. for you, your dad and your son

mamaoffourdc · 17/12/2020 15:33

I think being open with your son is the way forward something like "hey, I know you don't won't to talk about mum or have any contact but a letter amd presents have been dropped off for you from her, I'm going to put them in the loft/garage etc in case there is a time that you want to see them - what do you want for dinner?" Xx

mamaoffourdc · 17/12/2020 15:33

That way you have respected his wishes but he knows the truth x

Patooty · 17/12/2020 15:47

I completely agree with mamaoffourdc
Keep it quick and matter of fact an then change the subject. Even if she's not yet dropped them off, you can say that with it being Christmas THEN if she does send a card/present the they will be kept in a box out the way.

Original poster

malgrat78 · 17/12/2020 15:50

@Patooty

I completely agree with mamaoffourdc Keep it quick and matter of fact an then change the subject. Even if she's not yet dropped them off, you can say that with it being Christmas THEN if she does send a card/present the they will be kept in a box out the way.

This also takes the burden off him & the decision because I am telling him what I am doing & not asking him but it's also being honest with him.

OP posts:

2bazookas · 17/12/2020 16:17

I think the letter content is acceptable.

However, that doesn't mean the lad is ready to read it or has to read it. So why not go for a ha;lf way house. Say to him something like

"I've been sent a letter which your mum has written to you . You can read it any time, but only if you want to . You don't have to make your mind up now. I'll just keep it safe and leave it up to you.

He might  not want to read it or just ask what's it about, in which case  you reply   wte   "It's just to say she loves you,  and she's very sorry for making a such  mess of things" .

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/12/2020 19:48

Even if he doesn’t want contact i so think it’s important he knows he is loved
This could be handled via mentioning the letter ?
I remember your posts and I’m pleased you have managed to get him away
She’s not going to give up , so some minimal low contact - ie mention the letter ?
Good luck

Original poster

malgrat78 · 26/12/2020 14:27

@SirChing

Keeping your son from suicide HAS to be your number one priority. Whatever it takes. His mother and her family's wants, shouldn't even make it onto the list, let alone be at the bottom of it!

Well things didn't turn out as planned. I spoke to my Son again in a quick conversation & mentioned about the possibility of his mum sending him a card / presents over Christmas & he basically said that he didn't want to know so I spoke to his sister & said that she must not drop any presents or cards off at my house as her brother still wants no contact & that means letters, cards, emails etc. She said that she was going to keep the card & presents there but to be honest knowing his mum I had a suspicion that she hadn't got him anything anyway especially as I said to her that the chances of me giving them to him were very slim.

We have heard nothing over Christmas from his mum but in the last half an hour his sister as informed me that her mum is back with her ex the drug addict who apparently got her on crack cocaine. I am not surprised in the least & it looks like she has really took advantage of her daughter over the last few months. Her poor daughter letting her live there while she got her own place just for her to get back with the ex when she moved.

This is probably the 4th time now that she's promised to sort herself out & tried contacting my son with what have now been broken promises. This is just more confirmation that my Son is best off with no contact with her at all like he keeps saying & like I keep maintaining. I am afraid that i cannot see any hope until she fully accepts her problems & gets professional help.

OP posts:

Thinkingg · 26/12/2020 14:43

I do wish I was stronger & didn't have to ask for advice on here but some of us were not brought up the same way with the same life skills but I do see I need help which I guess is the main thing. Anyway thank you for your advice.

Just wanted to say that you don't sound weak to me. You are doing brilliantly to give your son a stable and loving home in a very difficult and unusual situation. It's sensible to seek advice.

ginginchinchin · 26/12/2020 15:34

I agreewith @Thinkingg. You're putting your son at the centre of every decision you're making, and that's not a weak positon to take. You sound like a great father, and your son will love you for it.

notapizzaeater · 26/12/2020 17:35

There's nothing weak about putting your son first. Much better this way than his mum constantly letting him down.

HereIAmOnceAgain · 27/12/2020 12:48

I don't think asking for advice is a sign you're weak. It's a sign that you care deeply about doing what is best for your son in very difficult circumstances. It's a strength thing to know when you need seek support and to reach out for it. There is no weakness in finding this hard or needing support to get through this. You've both been through a lot and you are still there fighting to get what your son needs, that's strength and love, not weakness.

Dawninglory · 27/12/2020 20:34

I agree with the posters above Op, you are a loving Dad, wanting to protect your child. His mother loves him but the pull of the drugs are more powerful than anything or one, she may never get clean, they could even cost her her life, but that is her problem not yours or your sons. Tell him that, and if and when he ever wants to see or talk to her or if he never does, dont feel guilty about upsetting anyone, you will support his choices. X

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