Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

I know how hard it is. You’re right though, speaking to him everyday is going to hold you back. The quicker you’re able to create some distance, the better. It’s probably unrealistic for you to go completely silent right away, but do give yourself space from him, so you can begin to process what’s happening. Even though it’s been a year for me since my husband broke us, I still have days when a memory of something hurtful he said ( and he said a lot of awful things) will hit me, and I still find it hard to reconcile that man with the man who asked me to be his wife, until death do us part. But, with each day that passes I get stronger and happier- you will too.

To my lasting shame I did this to my girlfriend when she was 26. She was an absolute mess for about a month, and I just couldn't stand the way she was behaving (that's how I saw it at the time, anyway).

I later had the shock of my life when I had a phone call from a relative telling me she had seen her holding hands with a new fella, laughing away. It really hit me in the gut. I loved it when I was in control and had all the power. Not so nice when you realise you've lost it.

Things then didn't work out for me and the OW, and I deeply regretted my behaviour. The grass was not only not greener, it was positively brown! I did try and win my girlfriend back and she rightly was having none of it. I ended up far worse off and had plenty of time to ruminate on my stupidity. Big mistake. Huge.

The way you described him and his behaviour prior to the breakup...I can't help thinking you've actually had a bit of a lucky escape. I know that sounds harsh but you're still young, and you would eventually have wasted a heck of a lot longer with him. He doesn't sound like a keeper, if I'm honest.

Time will heal. Each day is a day closer to being happy again. The best form of revenge is to live your best life, one day at a time. You sound like a lovely person, I'm sure a much nicer guy is waiting for you, somewhere in your future when you're ready.

Almost the exact same thing happened to me.

I'd been with him from 17-29 years old. We'd had the odd break, but always got back together.

Then one Thursday in 2010 he called to say he'd be home in 20 minutes but he never came home.

I called the hospitals, the police, his parents - three days later he turned up at his parents house.

He said he'd met 'her' on his way home that Thursday night, but that it meant nothing. It later transpired he'd been seeing her for weeks, and they stayed together for a year after.

I haven't seen him since that Thursday morning when he went to work.

I did a bit of begging, and a bit of guilt tripping (sending him rafts of photos of us when we were happy) and a bunch of feeling wretched and awful. Until I finally blocked him (annoyingly his phone number is the only number is still remember, aside form my own, I don't even know my husband's, I just have his number etched in my head).

Two years later I met my husband.
Three years after that we got married.
A year after that we had our daughter.

In the meantime life went on, we bought a home, I started a business (and failed), I started another business (and succeeded).

I am not the person he left that day. All the time I was with him I'm was constrained by our relationship, and only without him have I been able to do and see things that he wouldn't have given a shit about, but that have meant a lot to me.

Hold tight. It gets better.

I just read the thread and just wanted to say that I really hope that you can get through this and I am sure that you can.

Is your friend home from holidays yet? Is is possible to call over and stay with her for a bit?

What about your family? You mention that you are not close to them but perhaps this is an opportunity to rekindle your relationship with them.

You are getting great advice here from others that have been through exactly what you are going through and, with their help, you will be a much stronger person in the future.

Oh lovely I remember this so well. It is brutal. When I split with my ex after a decade (met at 16, my whole adult life) I was an absolute state. Not sleeping, down to eight stone at 5”7, existing on a diet of wine and painkillers, constantly calling him sobbing and screaming. After about six weeks something just clicked and I blocked him on everything and began the slow climb upwards. About 18 months later I dipped a toe into online dating and my second ever online date was my now DH. It gets better, I promise.

It's already fully over you'll always be thinking about his attraction to her over you, him and her aren't even that serious yet he was willing to leave you what does that tell you? Cut your losses now and just spend at least the next 3-4 years loving life and doing your own thing. You could always adopt ect I wouldn't worry, if you even try to start a family with him, you wouldn't end up together, if you just purely want kids idk, but it doesn't sound like a forever relationship, it seems like he used you for his safety net, life's comfortable bills are paid ect. Imagine you are on your deathbed do you just want to be in an average relationship with a man that doesn't really love you

This happened to me once. We were not together as long as you all had been but I understand the pain. It sounds cheesy but things will get better and you will come to understand you don't need someone that doesn't need you. Block them on social media, blow me his number when you're ready too. I know it's easier said than done. 10 years is a long time and I know because my husband and I have been together for 10 years but he didn't value that precious time between the 2 of you. He wasn't willing to continue life with you. Pick yourself up through the hurt and show not only him but yourself that you'll be okay without him. Find yourself, find new things to do and meet new people. Get out Into the world and accomplish things you want to do. Staying in the house while he does what he wants to do isn't any fun. Enjoy life love ❤️

*Block his number when you're ready too ...is what I meant to say

❤️ you are doing great. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. Focus on the cats 🥰

How about a new cat too?

Thank you for all your fab advice and support. I really do appreciate it.

@yepimaman yeah he definitely hates the way I have been acting up until now. I wish I could have acted with dignity but I've been a total mess. I would love for him to regret this decision but I don't see that happening. He says he isn't in love with me and there's no going back so I've stopped begging him and crying now and accepted that reality.

@a00031 & @thinkpinkstink I'm glad you got your happy ending. I hope mines isn't too far away.

It's the loneliness thats the hardest now, weekends are the worst. I have reached out to friends etc but they're all busy. I have really made an effort to keep busy today and not think about things but now it's evening time and I know we'd be together doing our usual Friday routine and I miss him .

I know I've said all his bad points but I really did enjoy his company. I haven't blocked his number yet but have stopped contacting him constantly. As far as I'm aware they're not together now but I haven't asked him about it incase he thinks I'm interfering or wanting him back.

@newgirl20 I'm not even thinking about having kids anymore, if it happens it happens.

@footprintsintheslow No new cats, 2 is plenty for me.

Things are not going well for me at the moment. I realize. I've had no replies but I'm using this more as a diary now.

I'm having horrendous dreams about it all and its really consuming me. It's 4:30am and I've just woken up after another one and am really sobbing so come out for a walk.

I miss him so much even now he apparently isn't with her he doesn't want me I just don't understand how it's come to this.

I wish I could be stronger I really don't know what to do to escape all this and move forward. My friends are now avoiding speaking to me, everyone is fed up of me I just don't know what to do in order to get a grip of myself.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP your friends don't seem very kind! You have had a shock to your system and need time to come to terms with it one day at a time and keep reading all the advice you have had on here

@notsodimwit thank you. I think people just don't know what to say anymore. He was the only one who could ever get through to me.

People do avoid misery as they just don't know what to say in sad situations.

You can always post here though.

What small positive changes can you make to your life so you think?

I'm having horrendous dreams about it all and its really consuming me

You need to find a way to block it from your thoughts whilst awake. You need to change your mindset from pining to hating him, it will carry you through believe me. You need to stop all contact ASAP, you will not be able to even think about getting your shit together whilst he's still in the backgound. You can do this op!!

@footprintsintheslow I'm trying to take better care of myself but keep giving up and going back to not eating and just staying in bed crying. I need to start cooking myself proper meals again and making sure I get up and dressed and do my hair and makeup daily.

@userxx I have blocked him now. But he hasn't even tried to contact me so it's a bit pointless. I actually feel worse when I don't speak to him or hear from him.

A year ago I ended my marriage to my husband of 15 years for much the same reason. We had children, joint mortgage, i had no job. I know it doesn't seem like it now, believe I do, but you will get through this. You will find the blessings in it (they're there even if you can't see them right now). Be gentle with yourself, lean on your friends and mum, get calories in however you can. I lost 3 stone in 3 months and subsisted on hot chocolate as the only thing I could get down.

I found crime/detective TV programmes very soothing. I would go out in the car to scream. I listened to upbeat music to lift my mood even though I wanted to wallow.

You can do this. You are better than this situation, I promise. We never know how strong we can be until we have to be.

@canwecomeintotheoutnow thank you for sharing your story. I know really it's a blessing that we have no children, mortgage etc but part of me feels that's probably why he's found it so easy to up and leave. The thought of him getting someone else pregnant after we tried for 8 years is probably the worst for me me, although I'm trying to mentally prepare for it as I know its going to happen.

I've stopped speaking to my friends about it, I've reached out many times and they've made excuses not to see me or just get annoyed repeating themselves.

I know its only been 4 weeks but I feel like I should be a bit further on now and not just obsessing over him and her or ending my own life anymore. I don't think I'm handling this like a normal person at all.

I have found true crime soothing, I have skycrime channel on when i go to sleep now because the silence is killing me.

I need to stop hiding away and try and sort myself out but just can't seem to make that first step. I feel so ugly and worthless. Wish I could just stop feeling sorry for myself and get a grip.

I am shaking uncontrollably, my hearts constantly racing really feel like I'm having some sort of nervous breakdown.

OP you seem really down, so sorry you are feeling like this. I too have been through a break up like this where I was absolutely devastated, I couldn’t eat, sleep or function.

I know you say you feel better when you contact him but is this feeling short lived? and then you are feeling down again or perhaps even worse than before? I remember this feeling. I know it’s very hard but you must try not to contact him as it will 100% help you to move on, gain clarity and take control.

Some things that helped me was to go and get my hair done, a new colour. Is there something you’ve been interested in doing for a while? A new hobby? Now is the time. Occupy your time and your mind and you will start to think of him less and less

You’ll get there and when you do you’ll look back and think why did I feel so upset?

OP I have just put up a thread about feeling so alone, then I saw this and feel a fraud

My heart goes out to you, it is so new and raw, it's no wonder you feel the way you do, You are definitely normal I can assure you! No way you could just accept this and move on just like that.

Do you have support in RL? It's important you have someone to talk to/see. Sincerely, I would love to give you a big hug and tell you it'll all be ok, because it will, but it'll take some time to process.

Bless you OP

Sorry to hear you're still struggling, OP. I went through something similar (we had been dating about a year when he just decided he didn't want the relationship anymore, with no reason given!). It took me a long time to get over it. Like you, my friends stopped taking my calls or were somehow busy and couldn't speak.

What helped me was seeing a counsellor - talking to someone objective really helped. I also started collage work - taking images out of magazines and putting them on A3 paper really occupied my mind. I can honestly say hours would go by while I worked on them. And it also gave me a creative outlet to highlight who I was and what I liked.

Everyone gets through pain and loss in different ways. Don't feel like you should be over it already. Be kind to yourself. Try something new. Cry when you need to. But eat, drink, and exercise (walks are great and so is boxing!) - remember that no one is worth losing yourself over.

@user1469989812 I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. I know how you feel as my husband of 15 years confessed to me last Wednesday of his 2nd affair. He loves me but doesn’t fancy me! I do know exactly how you feel, it’s all consuming. I have also had suicidal thoughts but one thing that’s helped me is reading the friendly words group chat on here. I literally spent the whole weekend reading all 5 of them and they’re amazing. Those ladies were all exactly like us when it happens but as you read through the threads you see how they not only survive but flourish. Please be kind to yourself and if you’re struggling post on here or on the thread I’ve mentioned. People on here are awesome and kind and have been through it all. Take care xx