Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

@seriouslynotagain I'm so sorry you're going through this too, it truly us an awful feeling. Never heard of the grey rock technique, will have to look that up. If I am honest I wish I didn't know about the other woman, she has blocked me now though thankfully.

How long has it been since your split? I'm at around 3 weeks and my appetite isn't back yet but I'm able to force myself to eat small amounts and it does make me feel a little better. I love to cook but have been eating microwave meals or pot noodles . Cooking for one is going to be a big adjustment and right now I'm doing what I can manage. Sleep is difficult, I always seem to dream of him and move myself from bed to the sofa trying to fall asleep.

@damnthatanxiety yes I've blocked her and she's blocked me and he isn't on social media. Time to start moving on now, your comments made me smile. I hadn't thought about it like that.

I do not believe this relationship will last by the speed in which they got together, their sence of entitlement shows a great deal of selfishness on both sides and their disreguard of your feelings, is plainly cruel.
I imagine they will begin to clash sooner than you think. You on the other hand probably kept your relationship on an even keel by being less self centered.

Use this anger if he decides to return. He is not a pleasant man, he has no morals and neither has she. You sound much better than the pair of them, why would you want a defective man.
Be proud that you are not on their level, rise above their seediness, it will be their undoing.

You have the 'luxury' of knowing the truth, I say that because many other women are still in limbo knowing full well their partner has/had someone but cannot prove it, leading to being gaslighted, further adding to their mental health problems.
You can use the empathy of others to help you, and you must. Reach out where ever you can, you may be surprised the encounters you come across!

Remember you are a lovely lady who has not hurt anyone, trust me when I say someone will notice that and want to be with you when you are ready.
Try to eat above all but dont expect anything from yourself, you are going to dwell, but that will ebb and flow at different concentrations and one day you will start to have little thoughts about the future where you could see yourself sat in somone elses company who is nice and deserving of you, who is far above the trash you've left behind.

I wish you well, don't worry about letting yourself down begging him to come back, its a long road and nobody is judging, some days/hours will be worse than others.

Don,t fight for him you are obviously too good for him.
He is weak and his reputation as a decent human being has been destroyed forever.
If anything you should feel sorry for him your the strong, truthful and principled person he can never be.
You have my respect.

@user1469989812 I am nearly two months from asking him to leave. I think my shock of the first few weeks has given way to deep sadness. Also things have come out since he left - one of those was that he has rejoined FB and was following local sex workers at a time when I was in ML with our youngest. I also saw from jt bank account (thankfully no longer visible) that he had basically gone out to London and come back to a local and brought two drinks. His excuse was BS but I knew there was someone else. In the last few weeks he simply turned from me and was quite nasty at times and confrontational. He needed to vilify me in order to set off into this new life. He quite simply started falling in love/lust with someone else and out of love with me. Our relationship was in taters due to his drinking anyhow but I would have tried counselling etc

I won’t be asking him to confirm new relationship anymore. He won’t admit it - he cannot risk being seen as someone who left his young children for a new woman. He has to be the good guy who left the nagging woman who needed to work on his drink issues. I keep thinking once I know it will help me move forward. The limbo is awful but I do know inside. Further denials would just upset me more and make me question my sanity.

I also have major concerns about future childcare stuff given his drinking. I am now back at work FT and will need his help. We moved to this new area together and j have no close friends/ family nearby so that stresses me out.

I didn’t sleep at all again last night. I am not quite sure how I am standing. But I will plod through today and hopefully sleep will come tonight. I know things will be better and I keep telling myself his proud I am of me. Betrayal is a really horrible thing to deal with and I at least know I would not do this to someone else.

You are better off without him and the saving grace is that you have no children with him. He may be the kind of man who leaves the woman in his life for someone 10 years or so younger every ten years or so.

Your best years are about to come. They won't come if you stay around this loser. It hurts now, but you WILL be okay, you really will.

I am late to this thread but agree with PP: HE IS NOT A CATCH.

Yous ay you've wasted "your best years" on him but in your own posts you say that you have struggled with depression, lost family memebers and used alcohol as a crutch through these years, all while he apparently did very little to help and showed scant regard for your emotional wellbeing. Also, ask any poster over 30 on here about their "best years" and no one, and I mean no one will say their twenties.

Another PP posted about unhealthy bonds, and I think that hits the nail on the head. Also, STOP comparing your self to her (you mentioned not eating because she's slim). Stop, just stop. I speak from having spent my own twenties in dead-end relationships regularly tearing myself apart because I'm not thin/sexy/nice/easy-going/funny enough for whatever selfish waste-of-space I was bending over backwards for. It takes up a lot of energy and headspace that you need to use to build yourself up.

Finally, although you personally can't fall out of love overnight, she's not won. He's no Prince Charming. She has landed herself a spineless man-child who lacks the emotional fluency and courage to break up "properly".

It sounds like you have been through a lot (depression, miscarriage, infidelity and break up) and you need to focus on you and you alone. Speak to your doctor, call the counselling phone line, get back on meds if you feel it helps. Also, remind yourself that you can't be worthless if your friends and family care about you enough to do daily check ins and to help you through this. Fuck him, he was bringing nothing positive to your life and this bit might be painful, but you are worth so much more and deserve so much better.

Literally feel so stupid. I know people will say I'm being manipulative but it's really not like that. I'm so low.

Have you had your period yet op? X

@itsjustabitofbanter yes x

OP you're so young still. Don't let this define your life. It's a lucky escape if you had a child with this man and he left you when the baby was small it would be horrendous and he would be a permenant part of your life

How could it not feel shit right now? It's a shit situation but it will pass. And you will move on.

I would say you need to take this time to prioritise your health and wellbeing. Eat well. Find an exercise you like. Focus on yourself.

You've got this 💪💪

@doadeer thank you. Can't stomach any food today but will try and start fresh and take care of myself tomorrow. I feel such a fool.

So now you've reached rock bottom. There's only one way from here and you just need to achieve small steps each day.

Sending a huge hug. You are not a fool. You are lovely and you have many things ahead of you that will make your sing with joy. Please keep pressing forward and things will just start feeling easier

@footprintsintheslow yes I guesse things can't get much worse. I just don't know how to move forward now but I need to figure it out now.

@seriouslynotagain thank you. I've just ordered myself a chinese takeaway. Going to put on a film and try and stop thinking about him. Can't wait to stop feeling like this

As of today draw a line under it. What's done is done and you can't change that, no amount of talking to him or wanting to talk to him is going to change that. He can't do or say anything to make you feel better, he's only going to make you feel worse.

I've been in your shoes and I promise you will move on from this, it might take time but you'll come out the other side stronger.

@userxx thank you. I know you're right

OP can you get away on a holiday or weekend away at all? Then start afresh on your return?

@footprintsintheslow no not at the moment unfortunately.

Can you plan for one then to give you a focus?

This time last year I was going through a similar situation. My husband left our home and began dating his co- worker. He basically re-wrote our history to justify his actions. I did what you did, I played the pick me dance, embarrassed myself. Then one day I stopped, I decided not to play into his narrative, why make life easy for them? I needed to find myself and that meant leaving my husband and that woman to it. No contact, unless absolutely necessary and even then I made sure I stuck to the topic, short business like communication. This is going to be hard, but it will benefit you n the long run. They thrive off your misery, it adds to their relationship as it gives them something to bond over. Take that away and what’s left? reality will hit and that’s when the gloss will begin to fade. Trust me, no contact and take care of you- the rest will take of itself.

Trust me, no contact and take care of you- the rest will take of itself.

100%

@ryah76 thank you for sharing your experience. I know no contact is the way forward, right now we still speak basically every day which I know is not healthy for either of us because I'm just angry now and there's nothing he can say to change things. Just have to let them get on with it and sort my own life out one small step at a time.