Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

@user1469989812 hello - how are you today? xxx

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I went through something similar - being dumped by the love of my life out of nowhere as I approached 30 - and it was a truly awful time. To give you hope, I am now married to someone SO MUCH BETTER!! And thank my lucky stars every day that my ex broke up with me.

The best advice I was given was to realise that I was actually, physically heart broken and needed to treat myself as though I had suffered a terrible physical injury. That means - eating really well to build my body back up, getting exercise and also proper rest, being very kind to myself and giving myself healthy treats, eg a long hot bath, reading my favourite book etc.

This was what got me out of it:

• absolutely no contact with ex whatsoever. I actually put a calendar on my wall and ticked off each day to confirm I managed not to contact. I bought myself an expensive treat as a well done after 3 months!
• set yourself a tough goal to work towards, to fill your time and mind and to have something else to talk about. It could be running a marathon, learning a new language, writing a book, learning an instrument - anything you like.
• make lots of fun plans ahead so you have things to look forward to. Get in touch with every friend you’ve been meaning to contact for a while and make plans to meet up.
• look after yourself

I did that and 6 months later I was a new woman. I then spent 18 months dating different people, getting a new job, decorating my house. Then I met DH and life has been brilliant ever since.

Best of luck OP. Things WILL get better, I promise. You can’t see it now but follow the plan above and you’ll be through this before you even realise

Hi @user1469989812 - would love to hear from you and see how you're doing - thinking of you.

@powkin unfortunately I can't afford to go private, but I do have access to experienced councillers 24 hours a day when needed but I am trying to take care of myself a little better.

@conkergame I'm so pleased to hear you are happy now that's really encouraging and I hope I get there soon. Right now another man is the furthest thing from my mind though. I don't want to allow myself to be hurt like this ever again but I know in time that will change.

@bbconeandtwo Hi I'm sorry I wasn't online much yesterday, tried to have a day away from my phone as all I seem to do is scroll through random things on here, some helpful. Some not so much. How lovely of you to be thinking of me thats made me smile.

I'm still very up and down. Went for a long walk at 3am in the pouring rain and found that oddly soothing although possibly not the most sensible idea. I'm doing terribly with no contact, I need to be tougher on myself but I really do miss him. I found this online and this is exactly how I feel as pathetic as it sounds. Feel like I'm having withdrawal symptoms which I guesse I am.

I've had a bath, shaved my legs, put on a face mask and put on nice fresh bedding and lit some candles. I've treated myself to a not very healthy but very wanted takeaway tonight, just waiting on it being delivered as I've lost a lot of weight and had around 2 meals the entire time this has been going on plus its the first time I've fancied food so why not. Going to watch a chick flick on Netflix, I'm hoping if I start to pretend I'm ok eventually I will feel it.

I think I'll always love him and miss him, or at least for a very long time. With not having my family here and few friends I made him my everything. That's a mistake I will never make again.

@user1469989812 - so glad to hear from you - good for you that you weren't online much that can sometimes make you feel down.

Enjoy your takeaway and I'm praying that things will improve for you.

This is a tough situation OP but you deserve better

@user1469989812 you will feel up and down for a while, that’s completely normal. Don’t think that you will always feel like this - I PROMISE you won’t and things will be better again eventually. It’s absolutely withdrawal at the moment; you go into a sort of shock. Trust me though, the best way forward is no contact whatsoever. Every time you contact him you undo some of the good work that’s been done so far and it will make the tough part last so much longer.

Very glad to hear you’re taking care of yourself, that’s the most important thing.

Definitely a good idea not to make a man your everything again in future. Family and friendship ties are so important too. Keep doing things you enjoy for now and be very kind to yourself

Oh and you won’t always love him. Believe me, I swore the same. I’d love him even when I met someone else etc etc.

18 months later I didn’t feel anything for him and now I’m so in love with my DH and never even think of ex. I struggle to remember much about him tbh! I would never have believed someone if they’d told me that during the aftermath though!

@bbconeandtwo thank yiu for checking in on me that really does mean alot.

@conkergame I just want this stage to pass but I know it won't until I stop contacting him. I go between angry texting him how much I hate him to texting him that I need him and I miss him . I just still can't believe he's done this to me, I would never in a million years have thought he would. He really doesn't love me anymore and he keeps telling me that so I don't know why I can't have more respect for myself and leave him alone. I think I'm still in denial. My friends are sick if telling me I have to leave him alone and move on now.

Was sick after my takeaway but am now in bed with my cat scrolling through Netflix for something to watch. I tried to watch

Dirty John that was recommended on here and by my friends but the beginning relationship parts made me feel sick. Anything remotely romantic makes me feel worse. I love music but can't listen to anything at the moment. Everything makes me think of him.

How about searching for a podcast to listen to instead?

Oh and you 100% won't always love him.

So sorry you're going through this. You will come out the other side.

Don't come off Sertraline or any meds at any point without your doctor's approval. This is where people go wrong- they come off something because they feel better, but it can be before it's right for them and so the improvements don't stick.

Plus having been through this bollox your feelings are understandable. Feel better soon. xxxxx

@footprintsintheslow that's a good idea. I will have a look. I've been reading alot of true crime stuff to keep distracted.

@soulofanaggron thank you. I did consult my GP before coming off them. I don't intend to go back on them, they made my jaw ache and my sleeping pattern was terrible. I'm trying to get through this with no medication because I think its one of those things that regardless of my mental health anyone would be feeling rubbish.

Can't believe how much my life has changed in just 3 weeks. All seems so surreal . Making a real effort to snap out of it now and stop feeling sorry for myself but it's not easy.

OP you need to read "why men love bitches" and you need www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ and www.youtube.com/user/shallonlester
These got me through my recent breakup and made me feel like a queen who deserves more!

@hotsouple I love reddit so will check out that sub. Randomly just downloaded tinder and have deleted it already, made me feel sick. I just want him back as pathetic as that is and I know it could never work. Confirmation that I am nowhere near ready .

Today has been another rubbish day but the anger is definitely coming now, been blaring Alannis Morrisette at full volume and I really do hate him. Been for a long walk, only managed some crisps and vodka. No contact is going well when I want to text him I type it into an email and send it to myself.

Try and calm yourself.
Amusing films, funny TV programmes. No angst or sentimental music.

Try and eat normally, make sure you eat, don’t demolish rubbish and takeaways.

If you can’t eat, try sandwiches, with salad and a little soup.
Scrambled egg, just to keep yourself going.

I don’t think 3AM walks are your best idea, but walks in daylight, in safe areas, might be good.

Get yourself to a coffee shop with a book or magazine. If you have time during the day.

Most have us have been through a break up, and you do go slightly mad, it’s so difficult. Try and rest and exercise if you can at safe times of the day, and obviously keep going to work 😀

Best of luck, and remember, you are a good person, and you will get through this.

Well tonight has been the night I completely lost all dignity. Someone sent me a video of them kissing and i completely lost it. Messaged her and she was so rude to me making out that I'm some scumbag who's caused het so much bother. Followed by a 2 hour conversation with him where he's made me feel completely worthless. Denying things that are absolute fact so she's obviously listening in the background.

I've embarrassed myself so much and feel so worthless but can't stop replaying what I've seen in my head. I feel physically sick. Him kissing her and having a lovely weekend whilst I'm still broken. It isn't fair. I hate them and I'm glad I've ruined their nice night even if it was temporary.

I feel so done now. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel but I'm so fucking sick of the tunnel.

Why would someone send you that video? That's messed up.

Don't worry, a lot of people behave without dignity in these situations, including me. That's love for you. Hopefully events like today help you get over him because he's obviously not worth it.

I’m so sorry someone has sent that to you. That’s just awful, do you know who it was? Please delete it and delete them too.

I know it’s hard, but if nothing else has done it already, let that be absolute confirmation that you need him out your life ASAP. No more texting, calling etc. I know it’ll seem like the hardest thing ever and all you want to do is speak to him but your not going to move on until you cut all ties.

You will absolutely get through this and get over him, it’s just going to take some time. There is light at the end of the tunnel and your not alone - we’re all here for support.

Where are you located, maybe some people local to you on here could meet up for a coffee or walk?

Also I know people have recommended things to keep your mind busy - I love podcasts, I can lose hours listening to true crime stories - My Favourite Murder, Serial, Man in the Window are some good ones.

Sending lots of love!

You remind me of how my DSis was when her first marriage broke up, OP. She was completely devastated, despite the fact that she was also telling my DH and me that he had been violent to her. She wouldn't let us say a word against him. At the same time, though, I arranged an appointment for her with a solicitor at the firm where I worked as a legal secretary. Her advice was for my DSis to take back control by filing for divorce herself, which she did.

Now, seventeen years on, she's been married for twelve years to a really lovely man and has three DC of her own, as well as a DSS from her DH's previous marriage. She also knows very well now what an absolute twat her first husband was and just couldn't give a toss.

I know you're not married, but I think the principle is right. You should take back control by blocking them all. It will be some time before the pain is less (my DSis went through some very dark times), but you will get through this and there will be a time when you look back on this time and know that you've come out the other side.

You can do this, OP.

@JenW1990 yes, my friend sent me it. I did ask her to, I think in my head I thought it'd help. She regrets it now though because I completely lost it. You'd think it'd have stopped me loving him but it hasn't at all . I'm in Peterborough.
I have been listening to podcasts but my phone and internet will be cut off any day now and I have no way of paying it until next month, he's well and truly left me in the shit.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

Hello I am 10 miles south of Peterborough and if I had a car on the road I would come and meet you for a walk. I should sort one over next few weeks.

I recently separated from my partner (15 yrs 2 DC) and whilst I asked him to leave due to increasingly awful behaviour around alcohol, I am certain there is another woman. He denies it but his behaviours over last few months coupled with bank statement stuff says otherwise so I have the agony of not knowing.

This man is no good. For me and I doubt for anyone else but over the years he became the centre of my world and my anger has turned to deep sadness. It is all consuming and I can barely eat and have not slept Properly for weeks (none at all last night). I look quite awful. I was trying grey rock technique but like you I have slipped and made myself very vulnerable to him. He simply does not care anymore and is keen to move forward regardless of the carnage and confusion left behind. I have so much work to do on my self esteem and establishing boundaries over the coming weeks but I hope to look back in a year or earlier and be proud of myself and my progress. I would not want to my ex looking into the mirror at himself. There are many ways to f f a relationship but mine has been ended in a cowardly and cruel way. It is normal to seek comfort from those we have held closest to us but with time we will look to them less as we everything we need is inside and in our friends (our true friends not these silly boys). I like your idea of emailing myself and will do it from now on.

Hang on in there.

I know exactly how u feel . My partner of 4 years cheated on me with a women at work said she was just a friend & he should of told me he was spending time with her .. never mind the hotel he booked for them .. I found receipt . This was 3 weeks ago . I was broken hearted , we had such a good relationship or so I thought . No change in our relationship.. making future plans . I did want to try again but his coldness towards me was unreal .he is like a stranger to me now . I can see now how lucky I am to be free of him , I know it's hard but try think of the times that were not good how he has made u feel at those times . That's what helps me . I wrote down how I felt . I wrote an email to him telling him exactly what I thought of him I sent to my friend instead . It's my therapy! .. I am 46 & know 100% I will meet someone worthy of me . Ur young u have so much to look forward to please be kind to yourself . I believe the world corrects wrongs .. whether they are heartbroken themselves one day or something else it will happen . The best bit of advice I can give u is get on with ur life & don't look back x

Oh stop contacting them. All it is doing is proving to them that he is a catch and that she has won. Don't give them that. You are worth a million of them. She has your hand-me-downs, not some great catch.