Husband keeps money to himself

[ForeverHopeful21]

My husband has a very good job. I a self employed, I don't earn much but I love what I do and work hard, and it allows me to work part time to care for our toddler. I am also pregnant.

We have been together for 14 years and always had separate bank accounts.

Over time he has paid for more and more bills, and as our house / mortgage has grown and he has earned more he was required to cover this. For this I am grateful. I buy everything for our toddler and always have, most food shopping and I have never asked him for anything for me personally.

Now (and especially as I haven't been able to work since March / corona virus and nursery closed) he hasn't given me any money. I received 35% of my normal pay from the government which isn't much and I used this on my few bills and our daughter. I have nothing in my bank account.

I paid for some food shopping on a credit card last week as we had little food in the house. This annoyed him, and I said how am I supposed to buy anything with no money?! His only response was, I'll have to send you the money to pay off the credit card.

If I tell him how difficult it is having no income, his response is, maybe you should do a different job. As if its as easy as that?! Especially when my hours are convenient for childcare. And I've actually studied and worked really hard to build my business up from nothing.

He has a very expensive golf membership, has just joined a swanky gym, has £50 haircuts and regularly has parcels arriving at the house for new shoes etc. But he insists we don't have much money. Its true we don't have tons, but this is because we are in the process of building a house. He also goes on a few holidays abroad every years with friends. And I go nowhere.

From the outside I think people think I'm so lucky because of the new house build and we live in a lovely area and I only work part time. But I can't even afford deodorant and live on beans on toast whilst he buys himself lunch at work everyday.

I really don't think its a control thing. I think he just thinks that I should do more and earn more. He is lucky that from leaving uni he stepped in to a great job and loves what he does. I always get the impression he thinks I'm lazy - even though I do 90% of everything at home, have my own business, and childcare. He often talks about me doing different jobs and what could earn us more. I think he's disappointed in me.

I've been used to living this way for a long time. I went back to work when my daughter was 7 months old as I was so sick of having no money. But since lockdown and not being able to work and receiving so little from the government (£300 a month for 3 months and £0 for the last 2 months) I just don't know what to do?!

This is why I divorced. Its financial abuse. I funded all my own maternity leave, paid for all house renovations, our childs food and activities etc. He was on double my money aswell.

He is a selfish twat, plain and simple.

This is financial abuse. And it sounds absolutely awful. He sounds absolutely awful.

I lived like that. His big job and expensive suits and networking dinners and me trying to figure out how to cover nursery fees and do the food shopping on my part time salary. Word of warning: they still think it's entirely theirs when it comes to the divorce and fight dirty.

Why are you paying all your kids expenses and household bills? Are you not a family? Tell him to pay you childcare .. or oay for childcare🤷🏻‍♀️

He has a low opinion of you, in his eyes he earns his money and you don't deserve it.
I would leave him.
I couldn't live like that.

Send him Bill for childcare and housekeeping. We've been discussing this and are opening joint account for household and child expenses with an agreed amount going to our own accounts each month and rest into joint savings. It's a partnership.

You are indeed being financially abused here by him, his actions are about power and control. He wants absolute over you here. Such men too are rarely only financially abusive as well, you are likely being abused in other ways too like verbally or emotionally. He does not want to share and never has. He wants to control you and otherwise keep you trapped and without a voice.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You would not want this sort of relationship for your toddler and as yet unborn child and it’s not good enough for you either. He can get his haircut and go to places like the dentist, when was the last time you were able to do that?.

You need ultimately to leave him, how can you be helped now into leaving your abuser?. You do not have to live under such control, you are married to this person and have legal rights. I would urge you to exercise those fully and seek legal advice re separation and divorce. He is not above the law here. Women’s aid and the Rights of Women would be worth contacting now too. How many people know about your life at home, very very few to none I suspect. Time to bust this wide open now because abuse like this thrives on secrecy.

He doesn't think you're a team
All your money should be shared, you're married

He does not regard you as a partnership and talking to him will be a waste of time. Start planning your exit from this and do not go on further to teach your kids that this could be their norm too.

He won’t make it easy for you to leave him and he will remain an arse post separation as well. But that does not mean to say you should not leave him anyway.

Hi OP, this does sound abusive but it could also be that he doesn't realise how different you're living to him. I had a similar situation and had a long talk with my husband about it. He didn't realise how inequitable our set up was and we since come up with a set up that works for us (we both pay into joint account for bills, all children's things, food etc) and withdraw a few hundred spending money for ourselves each for things like clothes, coffees etc. He earns substantially more than me but it's our money. Your husband also earns much more than you but would that be possible if you didn't have a job that worked around childcare - and thus limits your earning potential.

What would he say to a joint account and equal personal spending money.

Also, book yourself a week away and leave your child at home with their dad - before you give birth! I can't believe he goes away multiple times a year!

Ifawl,

Op is indeed in an abusive marriage. He knows and he does not care at all about his wife here. Your H was reasonable, her H is not. He would have kittens at the thought of his wife having access to what he regards as solely HIS money. Such men actively enjoy keeping their target trapped and controlled. Also how would the op actually book a week away without any funds?.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

Thank you for the replies. @Shoxfordian you're exactly right, we aren't a team. Unfortunately I think he would say the same, in that its me letting the side down financially. And I should earn more.

Its like he doesn't realise what he's doing?! He will often say things like why don't you go and see your friends or go on a spa day, and I'll say "with what money?!" and he has no reply, other than, we need to get you a better job don't we.

I think I confused people in my post. So he does pay for the nursery fees. I cover all our daughters clothes, shoes, activities, toys etc. I don't pay for house-hold bills, but I do pay for things like tv licence, phone, my car, petrol, most of the food for the house. And like I say, I don't ever ask for anything for myself. I try and be as self sufficient as possible. But I only work 3 short days a week since having my daughter and since corona virus I haven't been allowed to work at all.

For those saying I'm likely to be controlled in other ways, this isn't the case. He is isn't in any way abusive. However, I agree that this isn't normal.

When nursery closed in March, he offered to give me the money he would normally pay to them. But this only lasted 2 months. I have since asked for this and he said he don't have the money due to the new house build. And although expenses for this has been more than expected due to corona delays. It still doesn't seem fair that he can still afford his golf, gym, haircuts etc. I haven't had a haircut in a year.

I really don't want to leave him. We have a good relationship in every other way, apart from money. I guess I didn't notice this much before my daughter was born as I was working 5 days a week and didn't need him to support me. But over the past 2.5 years this has changed, except he doesn't seem to want to share

@Ifawl thank you x

The way you talk about finances, you don't sound married at all.
And he does not sound like a father at all.
It's like the kids are just yours, and you're some kind of tenant who pays their rent by buying everyone food, and looking after the house.
This is not on.

In a balanced relationship, all joint responsibilities would be covered jointly, proportionately to each income. All paid from a joint account, into which both of you contribute, proportionately to your means. And if someone has no income, but contributes through physical work (childcare, housework), this should be accounted for.
Furthermore, in a loving relationship, the higher earner would treat the other from times to times (birthday, anniversary), and certainly, people would go on most holidays together, as a family! The fun stuff would be shared, not just basic essentials.

He is abusive, do you really want to live like this? And you’re pregnant again? Have a serious talk and sort this out or leave

Sorry OP, you are right it's financial abuse. Does he understand just how short of money you are, in that you're struggling to buy food? Is the house build pushing you both to the financial limit? Hope you manage to sort something, especially with another child on the way.

I’m not sure this is abuse as such, more what you say op, he sees you both as seperate entities who should be financially independent and he is paying the joint living costs,

Folks saying bill him are just being silly, he could bill you right back for all living costs and you’re not the hired help.

The reality op is you need to find a solution to earn more, be it increasing your hours or finding another job, because he’s not going to give you more money for yourself, and legally you’re not entitled to it. Or leave, but again you’d still either have to earn more or claim benefits.

How can you say 'we have a good relationship in every other way' when it is clearly so unbalanced?

My DH earns at least seven times what I do, for many years I was a SAHM (one child who was at nursery/school most of the time). We have always had one bank account - shared - I never 'ask' for money, I use what I need, we trust each other not to go overdrawn but each buy what we want, we have individual pensions, investments, savings (Equal value) etc - do you have any savings in your name?

ForeverHopeful

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see a similar relationship example at home?.

Do you really believe you have a good relationship with him in all other ways apart from money?. Or is that your own denial talking. Like your posting name seems to suggests are you somehow hoping against your own experience to date that he will somehow change and become a better man?.

That is also why I commented about when the last time you went to somewhere like the dentist as well. You do not have any opportunity to go to the hairdressers either because you do not have the financial means to do so. You have not had a haircut in a year; he hasn't had to go without has he?. You are his personal slave really and facilitates his life whilst you go without in all sorts of ways.

I realise that you do not want to leave him particularly as you are pregnant again but this situation is absolutely intolerable for you and in turn your children. They cannot and must not grow up here thinking that yes, this is how men treat women. What you are describing here is a financially abusive relationship. You are being controlled economically by him. How are you supposed to earn more now anyway given your current pregnancy and having a toddler at home?. He is being an utter arse towards you here and in turn your child. Good men and fathers to their children do not treat their wife/partner like you are.

I was married to someone like this. I had to use my credit card on many occasions when I was short of money because he would never give me any. He pleaded poverty even though he had a very good job and earned far more than me, he would never help with money.
We are now divorced.

Yet another post where the OP is clearly in a difficult, unhappy situation but is pregnant again ...........

Posts like this make me so cross because I know that if she spoke to him about arranging an equal partnership in all aspects of the marriage, including finances, the dh would shit a brick, an argument would ensue, and the op would either 'put up' or the relationship would break down.

Op I'm afraid you are on a hiding to nothing, he sees it as HIS money, and you are there to facilitate his face to the world 'wife works part time whilst he buys nice house, marriage and kids etc' whilst in the background it's you managing everything whilst scraping money together to buy the kids clothes and he swans off to his expensive golf club. It's just wrong on so many levels

This is horrible @ForeverHopeful21, he is trying to keep you down. A marriage should be a partnership.