Husband keeps money to himself

[ForeverHopeful21]

My husband has a very good job. I a self employed, I don't earn much but I love what I do and work hard, and it allows me to work part time to care for our toddler. I am also pregnant.

We have been together for 14 years and always had separate bank accounts.

Over time he has paid for more and more bills, and as our house / mortgage has grown and he has earned more he was required to cover this. For this I am grateful. I buy everything for our toddler and always have, most food shopping and I have never asked him for anything for me personally.

Now (and especially as I haven't been able to work since March / corona virus and nursery closed) he hasn't given me any money. I received 35% of my normal pay from the government which isn't much and I used this on my few bills and our daughter. I have nothing in my bank account.

I paid for some food shopping on a credit card last week as we had little food in the house. This annoyed him, and I said how am I supposed to buy anything with no money?! His only response was, I'll have to send you the money to pay off the credit card.

If I tell him how difficult it is having no income, his response is, maybe you should do a different job. As if its as easy as that?! Especially when my hours are convenient for childcare. And I've actually studied and worked really hard to build my business up from nothing.

He has a very expensive golf membership, has just joined a swanky gym, has £50 haircuts and regularly has parcels arriving at the house for new shoes etc. But he insists we don't have much money. Its true we don't have tons, but this is because we are in the process of building a house. He also goes on a few holidays abroad every years with friends. And I go nowhere.

From the outside I think people think I'm so lucky because of the new house build and we live in a lovely area and I only work part time. But I can't even afford deodorant and live on beans on toast whilst he buys himself lunch at work everyday.

I really don't think its a control thing. I think he just thinks that I should do more and earn more. He is lucky that from leaving uni he stepped in to a great job and loves what he does. I always get the impression he thinks I'm lazy - even though I do 90% of everything at home, have my own business, and childcare. He often talks about me doing different jobs and what could earn us more. I think he's disappointed in me.

I've been used to living this way for a long time. I went back to work when my daughter was 7 months old as I was so sick of having no money. But since lockdown and not being able to work and receiving so little from the government (£300 a month for 3 months and £0 for the last 2 months) I just don't know what to do?!

He will never share and the house that is being built as well will become another prison for you and in turn your kids. So he pays nursery fees currently; how bloody gracious of him. Is the nursery currently open?. He could quite easily threaten to pull that as well.

Everything he does is for him and is for his benefit; he can go to the dentist, go on lads holidays, have shoes delivered and get a haircut. You cannot and he has not chosen to take you and his child on a holiday. You merely facilitate his life and are there in his eyes to serve him. Look at his parents too OP; chances are one or both of them act exactly the same as he does within the home.

You need to start buying tesco no frills stuff (or other brand equivalent), and start feeding him gruel every night. When he complains tell him it’s because you have no money. Also stop doing any housework for him and if he complains tell him its because you are trying to find another job and don’t have time.

I would serve him supermarket beans on toast for dinner!
You shouldn't be scraping the barrel like this when he's having so many luxuries, that is not married teamwork.
I have been in the same situation when my children were small and I was a Sahm, I had to use a credit card a lot and got into debt that I'm still paying off, as he would have a go if used the joint card too much, just for essentials, like food.
I am in a much better financial situation since divorcing him and having two jobs now the kids are older.
Just be careful not to use your credit card and hopefully when you can work again it will get better for you.

You say he isnt abusive at all ,but here you are struggling along with no deodorant and beans on bloody toast every day while he lives it up!He needs to realise that you are making an equal contribution to the home .If you divorced he would be way worse off! You need to sit down and tell him you cannot manage ,and he will need to pay more housekeeping .Also send back his sodding shoes when they come!

What are your parents like here OP?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. If your mother and or father is for instance controlling (i.e abusive) like your H is that has also played a huge part in you being with him; its a continuation of what you know.

Bizarre. You are a team. You are married. You work (bringing up his child). If you weren’t there, he would have to pay for a housekeeper and childminder. Everything should be 50/50. I could not live like that and do think it’s financially abusive, or at the very least, distinctly odd. It will end up breeding huge resentment or become totally intolerable.

@Ragwort

Yet another post where the OP is clearly in a difficult, unhappy situation but is pregnant again ...........

Was the husband as on board about a second baby as the OP?

I'd be inclined to make beans on toast for his tea every night, and say that is all you can afford if he challenges it.

DH has always earned more than me, but we are a partnership. All of our money goes into one pot, and all of our expenses come out of this pot. We have separate savings accounts, of course, but we are a team. DH provides most of the finance, and I provide most of the practical elements.

Teamwork - and love, trust and respect. It sounds like those are missing from the OP's relationship.

I agree with others that he isn’t acting like you are a team and sounds like he sees your money issues as your problem rather than something to tackle together. I’m not married but DP and I have been together for 5 years and have lived together for most of that. We have a joint bank account for bills, mortgage and food shopping, another for joint savings and then our own separate accounts that our pay goes into, for us to spend how we like. There have been times when one of us wasn’t earning as much as the other and the other paid more into the joint account to help cover this.

Have you explained to him how you feel about this and how you feel he is not acting like you are a team? He can’t force you into a new job and if you did get a new job how would everything be covered that you currently do at home? He would need to start pulling his weight more at home. I think some men don’t seem to acknowledge the value of being a SAH mum!

Would you both be willing to talk to a counsellor about it too?

If he’s not abusive as you say he isn’t in other ways. Why are you worried about him being annoyed? Just buy what you need and put it on the credit card! If he complains tell him it’s what you need and that if he thinks you ‘can’t afford it’ the solution is either for him to cut back his hours at work so he can provide more childcare and you can look for work without having to look for things that fit around the children (which he won’t want to do) or he can cut back or luxuries like 4 foreign trips a year. But he doesn’t get to buy luxuries whilst you can’t buy essentials.

I suffered from this in marriage no 1 - at one stage I borrowed money from my mum to buy a family car while he was driving round in a flash BMW convertible.

There is a bit in the marriage service that goes ‘all that I have I give to you’. Did he decide this doesn’t apply to him?

You need to have the tough conversation, or you need to learn to live like this for the rest of your life.

@ForeverHopeful21 reading your last post op, you don’t realise how abused you are. This level of financial abuse seeps into every aspect of your life. Your freedom, your socialising, your hobbies, your self worth (clothes, haircuts etc).

Why did you not share your money before children? Never mind that you could support yourself, he had more why didn’t he want to share it.

After having a child and going part time, how was this not addressed them
N. You say you had to go back to work when your baby was 7 months because you had no money, so he kept you in poverty whilst you were looking after his baby full time!

He suggests you go out and when you say you have no money he patronisingly says ‘we’ need to get you a better job, instead of offering to share his money.

He is belittling you, patronising you, making you feel not good enough, unworthy, a disappointment. This is emotional abuse on top if the financial abuse. When does he thank you, praise you, appreciate you an£ the contribution you make to your lives.

You also do 90% of the household chores and the childcare, why if you work part time?

Childcare part time work equates to his full time work, household chores should be shared. Do you have equal free time?

This is the worst type of insidious abuse, he is crushing you and making you feel not good enough whilst you are claiming it is a good marriage and there is no abuse.

I’m really sorry but you need to get out if this relationship before you have no self worth left at all and are then trapped.

Ps you would most likely get a better financial settlement divorced than you have now.

Also show the selfish self centred, self focused, uncaring arrogant, condescending arse this thread. Print out a copy and present it to him.

His solution to the problem is you earning more..you don't see this as realistic.

It is abusive and uncaring because he will notice you don't have money to spend but he is punishing you for your low paid job.

I think you need to sit down with him and go through the basics..if he fundamentally believes you have to get a higher paid job then that issue has to be resolved. However I would question his caring for you because what if you were unable to work due to health, how would he handle that situation? Is he prepared to step up to 50% childcare, drop offs etc as that is required if you go full time.

Do you do joint financial planning or is he in control of finances, such as house build expenditure?

The way most couples approach spending is to have bills paid centrally, which includes all children costs and then a amount for personal spends. However it seems in your case his objection is that you choose to earn a low income and that is the issue.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Such men like this too think they are doing nothing wrong here and they would certainly not accept being told otherwise by a counsellor.

OP unsurprisingly got nowhere by talking to him about this matter. He would have kittens at the thought of his wife having access to what he regards as solely HIS money.

So the Gov are paying you around £300 or 30% of your income, via the Covid assistance so usually you earn ok for a 3 short days. He pays all the bills, house build, utilities, childcare etc.

You buy the food, child needs, that is very tight, no wonder you have no money.

This is going to be unpopular (I’m the only earner in my house so view might be different due to this) is there plans to increase your hours and income once things get back to ‘normal’

Its like he doesn't realise what he's doing?

It's not that he doesn't realise what he's doing - he just doesn't care. You've told him how you feel and he's not supportive. In addition to not being able to empathise with you, he's also blaming you for your own predicament, as if you're not even married.

Try counselling etc if you really think this relationship is worth saving. But I wouldn't hold your breath.

Because he doesn't seem to care about your hardship or feelings, it's likely that your decision is going to be accept the status quo or leave.

I try and be as self sufficient as possible.

You shouldn’t have to be. You’re meant to be a partnership, a team. He should be KIND! And supportive.

You say he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
Wake up! He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing. He’s just a selfish prick who is ok with seeing you struggle and scrape by while he splurges on himself.
That’s not LOVE.

I'm so sorry op. It's financial abuse, and probably more. How does he feel about leaving you he kind whilst he swans off on holidays and for fancy haircuts? I'd be embarrassed and would never do that to my dh. I'd feel guilt. Why doesn't he?

Ask yourself- would you treat him the same way if roles were reversed? If your answer is no- then frankly he just doesn't have the same regard/ live/ respect for you that you have for him

He just seems selfish, he spends all this money on himself without considering you at all.

Have you had a discussion about it?

@ForeverHopeful21 os the usual set up is for both incomes to go into a joint account tgat us used to pay all bills, you then both take out the same amount each money (transferred to your personal accounts) for personal expenditure. All bills are then covered And you can see how much is spare to share equally and also to save if you have enough.

This is how a marriage works by sharing and valuing each other as equals and the contribution to a marriage. I suggest you buy a book about unpaid work mainly performed by women and also present tgat to him to read.

My ex was like this. I'm now having a hell of a job trying to divorce him.

I just noticed you have been together 14 years, what did you do before your toddler came along?

You pay for food?

My oil/electric/internet is half our food bill! If you're on part time it's not fair, even if you earned the same.

I earn well for a freelancer. DP earns significantly better as a full time employee, and yes, technically we have separate accounts, but in practise I have all the passwords and shuffle money around as needed - DP just wants a credit card that works and he's happy. When he's made comments about me earning more, I just say 'sure, do you want to do school pickups or drop-offs?' and he realises he's being a jerk and we go back to normal (where I do pretty much everything) - note though that it wouldn't occur to me not to 'answer back' and point out what's wrong.

What your DP doing is not the same. You don't seem to be able to talk to him about it, as if you don't feel like his equal. Are you embarrassed to? Scared of his reaction? I think if you think about the reasons, you'll be able to be clearer about what steps to take next.

Beans on toast fro him, 7 nights a week, Don’t do his laundry while you search for some work to tide you over, you don’t have time. On the weekend tell him to take your child so you can job hunt.

If he’s lovely in all the other ways like you say he will be a ok with that and appreciate you’re looking for work. Obviously, there is absolutely no way a man who treats his wife like this because she had his child could be lovely, so i bet he won’t take it well. Or the op won’t even try it, as she knows in her heart that there’s nothing lovely about him really but doesnt want to admit it.

Such men do not do discussions; all he does is tell her to get a better paid job. He is not also willing to acknowledge his level of power and control towards the OP in their relationship.

OP, this is not a caring man, nor is it a partnership. My ex was the same. I used an earnings calculator to work out according to our salaries the percentage we should each pay - he said this wasn’t fair as ‘he worked harder’ than me .... said it was not his fault I wasn’t a CEO and earning more. He was abusive. Your husband sounds the same.