Husband keeps money to himself

[ForeverHopeful21]

My husband has a very good job. I a self employed, I don't earn much but I love what I do and work hard, and it allows me to work part time to care for our toddler. I am also pregnant.

We have been together for 14 years and always had separate bank accounts.

Over time he has paid for more and more bills, and as our house / mortgage has grown and he has earned more he was required to cover this. For this I am grateful. I buy everything for our toddler and always have, most food shopping and I have never asked him for anything for me personally.

Now (and especially as I haven't been able to work since March / corona virus and nursery closed) he hasn't given me any money. I received 35% of my normal pay from the government which isn't much and I used this on my few bills and our daughter. I have nothing in my bank account.

I paid for some food shopping on a credit card last week as we had little food in the house. This annoyed him, and I said how am I supposed to buy anything with no money?! His only response was, I'll have to send you the money to pay off the credit card.

If I tell him how difficult it is having no income, his response is, maybe you should do a different job. As if its as easy as that?! Especially when my hours are convenient for childcare. And I've actually studied and worked really hard to build my business up from nothing.

He has a very expensive golf membership, has just joined a swanky gym, has £50 haircuts and regularly has parcels arriving at the house for new shoes etc. But he insists we don't have much money. Its true we don't have tons, but this is because we are in the process of building a house. He also goes on a few holidays abroad every years with friends. And I go nowhere.

From the outside I think people think I'm so lucky because of the new house build and we live in a lovely area and I only work part time. But I can't even afford deodorant and live on beans on toast whilst he buys himself lunch at work everyday.

I really don't think its a control thing. I think he just thinks that I should do more and earn more. He is lucky that from leaving uni he stepped in to a great job and loves what he does. I always get the impression he thinks I'm lazy - even though I do 90% of everything at home, have my own business, and childcare. He often talks about me doing different jobs and what could earn us more. I think he's disappointed in me.

I've been used to living this way for a long time. I went back to work when my daughter was 7 months old as I was so sick of having no money. But since lockdown and not being able to work and receiving so little from the government (£300 a month for 3 months and £0 for the last 2 months) I just don't know what to do?!

No that is unfair. DH and I also have separate bank accounts, but that is because I'm a bit of a spendthrift, and when we first got married I was constantly in debt. I've learned to save since, but we still bank separately.

We've always split the bills according to who earns the most and in a way that gives us each about the same amount of spending money. That is the only fair way to go as partners.

BiL and SiL are getting divorced after 35 yrs of marriage. She has had a professional career and has worked throughout their marriage, albeit part time after their DC were born. He’s now massively got the brakes on over the financial settlement, refusing to engage in negotiations until she acknowledges that their money is his money. He’s ok that the house is “theirs” but the rest, no. It’s his and the nature of any negotiation is that she is to ask him what he is willing to “give” her. Which is actually next to nothing. He wants to divide their savings proportional according to their salaries, so 70/30 with her on the wrong end. He doesn’t want to share his pension at all.
There are many many men out there like this, with sincerely held beliefs that the children belong to the wife and are her sole responsibility, that having children is a choice made by the wife and the impact on her career is her choice, that all money is his to control and distribute. It’s very hard to understand why they think like that and even harder to understand women who go along with it. Patriarchy innit.

This is insane, I can’t believe how many people sleepwalk into this situation when they have kids.

You need to sit down and first of all go through ALL the bills, including everything to do with your child, including all food, even lunches, and all bills, including tv license, mortgage, nursery fees. You then need to split it so all your money goes into a joint account and then the same amount goes into your own spending accounts once bills are paid. If you really don’t want to do a joint account, you split all the bills proportional to pay so you each have the same amount left over.

I also think you need to have it out over this “you need to get a better job” thing. EVEN if you didn’t have a child and were working part time, does he genuinely believe people who get paid less are lazier? So nurses are lazier than bankers? So workers who work all day in a call centre then do a second shift in a bar are lazier than accountants? It’s not just laziness that determines income, it’s a lot of luck, career choices, and ability which you can’t control much of. You need to make him see that he’s being really really illogical and frankly insulting to say that if only you worked harder/changes jobs you’d have tonnes more money. And what happened to “for richer, for poorer”?

I reckon properly splitting the bills as mentioned above might stop him thinking this way, and I suspect it might be he’s resentful that he spends so much on the lovely house, nursery fees etc and you’re still asking for more money. If he sees that you both spend exactly the same proportion of your income on bills and have exactly the same “spending money” then he might feel less resentful and stop being such an idiot.

In a marriage, the whole pot of money is shared 50/50. This is the law! My ex could not believe this until he was told by a judge in court.

Sit him down and tell him. If he doesn't believe you, go and get it in writing from a solicitor and show him. Then file for divorce. Financial abuse is awful and it really affected my children as when the children get older he will start saying things to them like 'it's daddy's money, not hers. That will never leave them and you will feel like a very lowly person when they repeat it to you. Believe me, I know

I divorced because of this too.

When your married your dept is his dept.

Put all your food shopping on the credit card.

Let him deal with it after.

He's acting unreasonably, you act unreasonably

He is manipulative and knows what he's doing. You've tried doing it the right way. I'd buy everything on a credit card. It will result in a fight no doubt

A lot of men hate having to financially support their wives. They want their wives to get actual careers and to not feel like they are bankrolling what they see as your choice to live a non stressful life as a mum. They hate feeling like they can't stop working (maybe they do caterers they don't like) whole their wives do easy jobs that aren't going anywhere.

So if you want to stay you'll have to take him at his word and start thinking seriously about a career - not a child friendly low paid career, an actual one. He will have to help out with the day to day a lot more, so you'll need to divide tasks up. You will have to stop doing all the housework and child arranging, and it will be inconvenient for him but perhaps he can get a cleaner?

Then he hasn't got a leg to stand on and can't make excuses as to why he's going away without you.

Appalling behaviour from a selfish prick but you can't keep drifting forever - the children will get older and you will still have no way of earning real money. So do it for you too.

OP you've picked out my comment, yes, I was blunt, but ignoring everything else. Clearly this is an abusive relationship, many posters have been in similar situations and are trying to give you advice based on their experience.

And yes, I will be direct - I don't understand why anyone who can't afford to buy deodorant and lives on beans on toast chooses to have another child with someone who treats them so badly. It is really very sad.

I try and be as self sufficient as possible.

Well, that's great and you grew a baby, have birth and seem to be proud that you cover all the child's costs.

Why is that ? Is it not his child?

I was in a semi similar position but in my case I did earn good money but he had millions (which I made most of it for him) which he considered "his"
We had two different lifestyles and savings and ended up in a situation where his money went towards building his assets and mine went towards household stuff where I had nothing to show for it.
We had a big discussion where I basically said I wanted to be financially independent and unless things changed the only way i could see that happening was through divorce. That scared him as generally in all other ways our relationship was good.
I pretty much pay for nothing now and my savings have increased. Its a v hard mindset to change

This is me also.
Dh earns a six figure sum, after tax, plus his car allowance and his phone and petrol are paid for.

He ‘gives’ me £550 a month for me and two dc. Out of that I pay my petrol, phone, clothes and stuff for kids, car related expenses and about £100 or so on food.
It leaves me with barely anything. In the holidays it’s extremely difficult to take two children anywhere with a budget of about £7 a day. I can not afford the hairdresser etc.
He can afford what he likes, he’s just bought a new golf trolley at £2k. I don’t begrudge him that, he works hard. I just don’t see why he wouldn’t want his children to be able to do things and go places. I have no access to any other money.

@Catthroughthewindow I'm sorry but I don't see why you need to be such a doormat. They are his children and you are working full time as a cleaner and carer.

You would be far better off divorcing as you will get half BUT you will need an excellent solicitor and you will need full visibility of all accounts, pensions etc.

Or you could just make your own money and tell him he has to pay 50% of child care.

Yes I was aiming to look for a job when my youngest is in school - I volunteered to get some current experience until covid hit - but how easy it’ll be now I don’t know.
Also I worked until dc2 and even though I had dc1 I still paid the childcare and did everything at home. Going back to work will mean I will just do everything I’m doing now plus work. Mind you - the same is true of a lot of women im aware.
But I would like my own money, I don’t have anything, savings are gone etc. When dh worked a way a lot I’d have been in a mess if id needed to pay for something urgently like a car repair because I’ve no money anywhere at all. Basically I’m like a child.

My mum and dad had a relationship like this and it was horrible to see. If she ever need money for anything she would have to ask him and he would question why she needed it and want to see receipts to make sure she had give him the right price.

He eventually left us for one of the women he was having an affair with and our house was repossessed because my mum couldn't afford to pay the mortgage. He hid a lot of money from her in the divorce so she ended up with hardly anything.

I would never let that happen to me.

@Catthroughthewindow well of course should you split he will end up doing a good percentage of the child care (these tosser usually go for 50/50 custody so they can avoid paying much child support).

As for 'doing everything' no ones making you do his washing or cook his meals. Just stop. You're not getting paid to do it after all.

@Catthroughthewindow

This is me also. Dh earns a six figure sum, after tax, plus his car allowance and his phone and petrol are paid for.

He ‘gives’ me £550 a month for me and two dc. Out of that I pay my petrol, phone, clothes and stuff for kids, car related expenses and about £100 or so on food.
It leaves me with barely anything. In the holidays it’s extremely difficult to take two children anywhere with a budget of about £7 a day. I can not afford the hairdresser etc.
He can afford what he likes, he’s just bought a new golf trolley at £2k. I don’t begrudge him that, he works hard. I just don’t see why he wouldn’t want his children to be able to do things and go places. I have no access to any other money.

I would 100% begrudge that golf trolley. It's almost as if golf is more important than his wife and children.

@Catthroughthewindow

Have you spoken to him about how you have almost nothing to spend a month? You should have access to his account

OP,

Another abused woman having children with a man who spends lavishly on himself while you can't afford deodorant and eat beans on toast.

You poor woman that you think you have a happy relationship except for money.🙄

The only person that can help you is yourself.

Have you told family and friends that you are being half starved by your husband?

Your situation is horrific but comes up so often on MN.

Your husband is a selfish mean man.

Maybe gives some thought to bringing children into a family where the main breadwinner has no interest in being a decent himan being.

Your relationship bar is on the absolute floor if you think this is a normal healthy relationship.

Meanness goes to the core of someone.
It defines everything they do.

He knows well you have nothing and is happy for it to continue this.

How you could look at a man like this let alone have sex with him is astonishing.

He is a controlling abusive prick, and will continue to be so until you wake up.

With you telling yourself you are in a "happy" relationship with a man like this, it could take years.

Golf
Gym
Clothes
Haircuts
Holidays

.....and you living on beans on toast...🙄

Jesus. You’re being severely financially abused @Catthroughthewindow. He earns six figures after tax and he expects you to run the home on £6600 a year? It’s flat out slavery!

Thing is if he had them 50% of the time and didn’t have to pay anything - how would I survive? Where would I live? I’ve got nothing. I couldn’t afford to feed them, clothe them, much less house then. Nothing. Id have nothing. If I find a job it’s not going to be well paid, I’m old and basically unemployable after several years out of the workplace and there will currently be so many people looking for jobs.
He will be able to give them everything. I will be able to give them nothing.

How you could look at a man like this let alone have sex with him is astonishing.

This. I wouldn’t touch such a man with a ten foot pole. Utterly disgusting.

I would 100% begrudge that golf trolley. It's almost as if golf is more important than his wife and children
Well it is. I would 100% begrudge that golf trolley, I think I would have to smash it up alternating between his various golf clubs to smash it with. Sounds cathartic.

He’s a selfish dickhead

I’d tell him you are opening a joint account, keep your own separate ones too.

All bills, food, kids stuff comes out of joint account. Both put 50% of income into said account (or whatever you agree you need) the rest of your money is your own for lunches, clothes etc.

Ok op, let’s look at what your options might be. Perhaps for clarity you should start a new thread, you could refer to this one or link it to give everyone context.
My husband is a high earner and a financially abusive dickhead. My business has been shuttered due to covid, I did it from home while looking after our dc. We are married and own the house. I’m trying to understand how I could survive and bring my children up if I left him. I’m worried he would go for 50% custody so as not to pay maintenance, see above re financially abusive dickhead. Where should I look to understand this , what do I need to know?

When people divorce assets are divided 50/50. ALL assets. Get a proper solicitor and make sure you know where every penny is hiding.

If you choose not to be on top of this then you will be left with nothing. If you choose not to do the homework on finding account names, pensions etc then that's on you. You are married therefore all assets are legally shared - it's that simple!!!