Husband keeps money to himself

[ForeverHopeful21]

My husband has a very good job. I a self employed, I don't earn much but I love what I do and work hard, and it allows me to work part time to care for our toddler. I am also pregnant.

We have been together for 14 years and always had separate bank accounts.

Over time he has paid for more and more bills, and as our house / mortgage has grown and he has earned more he was required to cover this. For this I am grateful. I buy everything for our toddler and always have, most food shopping and I have never asked him for anything for me personally.

Now (and especially as I haven't been able to work since March / corona virus and nursery closed) he hasn't given me any money. I received 35% of my normal pay from the government which isn't much and I used this on my few bills and our daughter. I have nothing in my bank account.

I paid for some food shopping on a credit card last week as we had little food in the house. This annoyed him, and I said how am I supposed to buy anything with no money?! His only response was, I'll have to send you the money to pay off the credit card.

If I tell him how difficult it is having no income, his response is, maybe you should do a different job. As if its as easy as that?! Especially when my hours are convenient for childcare. And I've actually studied and worked really hard to build my business up from nothing.

He has a very expensive golf membership, has just joined a swanky gym, has £50 haircuts and regularly has parcels arriving at the house for new shoes etc. But he insists we don't have much money. Its true we don't have tons, but this is because we are in the process of building a house. He also goes on a few holidays abroad every years with friends. And I go nowhere.

From the outside I think people think I'm so lucky because of the new house build and we live in a lovely area and I only work part time. But I can't even afford deodorant and live on beans on toast whilst he buys himself lunch at work everyday.

I really don't think its a control thing. I think he just thinks that I should do more and earn more. He is lucky that from leaving uni he stepped in to a great job and loves what he does. I always get the impression he thinks I'm lazy - even though I do 90% of everything at home, have my own business, and childcare. He often talks about me doing different jobs and what could earn us more. I think he's disappointed in me.

I've been used to living this way for a long time. I went back to work when my daughter was 7 months old as I was so sick of having no money. But since lockdown and not being able to work and receiving so little from the government (£300 a month for 3 months and £0 for the last 2 months) I just don't know what to do?!

Financial abuse. Everything shared or LTB.

Dh pays most of the food bill - out of that £6,600 probably only £1,200 goes on food.

Of my £550
£100 a month or so goes on food shopping because we internet shop but I get fresh stuff as and when which is easily £25 a week. More often.
£120ish is petrol
£45 is phone bill
£40 is car insurance

Which is just over £300
Leaving me with about £240 - £240 / 30 is £8 a day free spending for me and the two dc. But if they need clothes then that comes out of that money too, although dh buys school shoes. Only the school shoes. I get all other shoes as and when they need them.

I don’t want him to have 50% custody. He does very little with them currently and they wouldn’t want it either, I’m fairly certain. Although I appreciate that his is right.

I just don't understand financial arrangements like this. Imo if you're married then a joint account is surely the way to go. I am part time doing childcare and would earn £10k less than dh even if I was full time, we have a joint account for all bills and treated as family pot, and we both siphon off some personal spending money that's for hobbies and treats.. We've had this system since we bought our first in 2007, the financial adviser told us that if we were doing this thing then we were now a financial team.

No. It’s all his.
He says sometimes it’s ‘ours’ but it’s not. It’s his.
He also says the house, everything in it and we are also his.

I would struggle in a divorce because that’s how I feel about it too. I don’t believe I’ve any right to it. When I was earning it was significantly less than him so I’ve never put as much in. I know he has a sizeable pension (me, nothing, will have to die young 😂) and about £100k in savings and bonds plus some shares. Maybe another £80k or so in shares?
I’ve got a credit card debt of £200 that I’m desperately trying to clear and that’s it 😂

Actually I do have a pension but it is tiny compared to his. Very tiny.

Stop buying fresh - use the card.

Make up expenses you need money for and stash it.

Sell anything of value of his. It's 'lost'

Find the details of all bank accounts and pensions and mortgages.

Phone a solicitor and go and see them.

Take their advice completely and start divorce proceedings getting half of the assets AND child support because you are the main parent and he doesn't want 50/50.

Very fucking simple. Plus you are entitled to benefits for children - get them in your name.

You will be far better off financially!

He wouldn’t pay off the card though so then I’d just end up with debt.
He won’t give me any extra money.

Tell him you'd actually be better off financially divorced and a single parent, than you are married to him. Marriage gives you a claim on the marital assets, which includes savings in his name and pensions etc.

He is taking the utter piss, and I'm not sure how you think someone who treats you like a second class citizen and not like a life-partner is a good husband.

@Catthroughthewindow but if you divorced you would have a right to claim from his pension and savings. You would have a right to claim from any assets he holds. Do you think things will get any better when he retires? He still give you a pittance and expect to waited on hand and foot.

Also just because you haven’t worked in a while and are older doesn’t mean you can’t get a job. It may not be a high flying career but a job would give you security, work colleagues and a sense of achievement, whether that is in a supermarket or an office it doesn’t matter. It would be something that you’ve achieved and can be proud of.

Suggest he works part time to look after his children so you can work more! He sounds so selfish.

Debt incurred in your name that he can be shown to benefit from is considered joint debt when you're married. So if you were to spend on groceries/household/children, he is jointly liable. (You might want to point that out to the financially abusive fuckwit) .

And as a married couple, you have a legal obligation to support one another.

Work out how you would fare financially if you divorced. As the primary parent you'd get a bigger share of assets (property, pensions, savings etc) plus maintenance for the children. Possibly benefits. Tell him so and ask if that's really where he wants this to end up

Do not do this.

Get evidence of what he earns and how he spends the money, what pensions, investments etc he has then go for the divorce.

Don’t whatever you do give him warning

If he spends most of his free time on the golf course he will begrudge EOW eating into his leisure time.

You would probably be much better off

The same goes to Catthroughthewindow

Where would you live?
Either in the family home with him paying the mortgage or the house would be sold and you would get 50% of the equity. (Friend got 60%)

Then you are missing the point that if he did go for 50/50 childcare he would be responsible for 50% of the children’s clothes, school uniforms, food, childcare. It would leave you with 50% of the week being free to take on work.
You would be quids in from where you are now and so much happier.

Of the ones I know who are on 6 figure salaries they might threaten 50/50 but end up EOW as their jobs (which they are not going to give up) mean they can never pick up or drop off at school times.

Either way you would be so much better off financially than where you are now and also so much happier

I have said on other threads. The happiest bunch of people I know are single parents.

They are happy I think because they have autonomy over their lives and don’t have to put up with this type of shit behaviour from anyone

I can and will try to find a job but I also have to be realistic about the likelihood. If the schools also then drop in and out because of covid, it will be very difficult. I know that’s the same for lots of people but taking a new job and then needing time off for the children doesn’t seem ideal. I would feel much better if I had some of my own money it’s true. I just know how useless I am, I haven’t any particular skills and I’m just a bit hopeless.

I’m shocked you’ve lived is this for so long! You haven’t had a hair cut for years and he regularly has a £50 trim?! He has no respect for you whatsoever! A true man would not only share with you he’d see what you haven’t got and provide it without you having to ask! Do you have access to the credit card? Tell him you want a card for household expenses, you really need to sit down and have a frank discussion about this if you want your marriage to work.

Cat

He could well try and sabotage any and all attempts you make to get a job whilst you are still together under the same roof. I would seriously start to plan your exit from this abusive marriage with due care and attention.

You are NOT useless at all and have skills. You are running a household and that takes both time and management. On a wider level too show your children truly that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Cat

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them as adults to be as controlled as you are in this marriage?. No you would not. Do not sell yourself short here.

You are fully entitled to receive a full and fair financial settlement if you divorce him. Do not think that you are not. He regards you all indeed as his to use and abuse as he sees fit.

I will try. I need to apply for things.
I just feel that I’ve failed at everything I’ve ever done and then been a parasite from someone who is successful for the last few years.
I don’t know what to write on an application form. I cannot see me even getting an interview. I was hoping a job might come up where I wasn’t volunteering but they are scaling back due to covid so I can’t see it happening. Against younger people who have more experience or seen just more capable I’ve got no chance.

Where I was volunteering.

I need to find a job that requires no qualifications and no recent experience. And happy to take on a woman in her late 30s with two children.
It seems a big ask. Even looking at things for shops etc - they want recent experience.

I couldn't be with someone like this, but you've agreed with it for 14 years.
hardly a partnership, why bother getting married.
get all the money into a joint account, pay for bills, savings, etc and half what is left.
Gosh, I've mostly been a sahm, but at least I'm an equal partner.

He has done a real number on you here hasn’t he?. He has certainly lowered your confidence here to an all time low.

Please consider talking to Women’s aid, what your husband is doing here is completely unacceptable within a relationship or marriage. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

If anyone is a parasite here it’s your husband. At the very least he is a douchebag because he has and continues to both control i.e abuse you and your children here.

Oh, forgot to say, this is financial abuse btw, don't continue being a mug, divorce the abuse and you'll get half anyway.

That is very tight. Sharing finances is normally part of being married.

Sometimes he will give me an extra £20 randomly - not often. Very rarely. Twice a year perhaps? And he will say it’s a ‘little bonus.’