Husband keeps money to himself

[ForeverHopeful21]

My husband has a very good job. I a self employed, I don't earn much but I love what I do and work hard, and it allows me to work part time to care for our toddler. I am also pregnant.

We have been together for 14 years and always had separate bank accounts.

Over time he has paid for more and more bills, and as our house / mortgage has grown and he has earned more he was required to cover this. For this I am grateful. I buy everything for our toddler and always have, most food shopping and I have never asked him for anything for me personally.

Now (and especially as I haven't been able to work since March / corona virus and nursery closed) he hasn't given me any money. I received 35% of my normal pay from the government which isn't much and I used this on my few bills and our daughter. I have nothing in my bank account.

I paid for some food shopping on a credit card last week as we had little food in the house. This annoyed him, and I said how am I supposed to buy anything with no money?! His only response was, I'll have to send you the money to pay off the credit card.

If I tell him how difficult it is having no income, his response is, maybe you should do a different job. As if its as easy as that?! Especially when my hours are convenient for childcare. And I've actually studied and worked really hard to build my business up from nothing.

He has a very expensive golf membership, has just joined a swanky gym, has £50 haircuts and regularly has parcels arriving at the house for new shoes etc. But he insists we don't have much money. Its true we don't have tons, but this is because we are in the process of building a house. He also goes on a few holidays abroad every years with friends. And I go nowhere.

From the outside I think people think I'm so lucky because of the new house build and we live in a lovely area and I only work part time. But I can't even afford deodorant and live on beans on toast whilst he buys himself lunch at work everyday.

I really don't think its a control thing. I think he just thinks that I should do more and earn more. He is lucky that from leaving uni he stepped in to a great job and loves what he does. I always get the impression he thinks I'm lazy - even though I do 90% of everything at home, have my own business, and childcare. He often talks about me doing different jobs and what could earn us more. I think he's disappointed in me.

I've been used to living this way for a long time. I went back to work when my daughter was 7 months old as I was so sick of having no money. But since lockdown and not being able to work and receiving so little from the government (£300 a month for 3 months and £0 for the last 2 months) I just don't know what to do?!

OP, how much would you have to dislike someone to treat them the way he is treating you? Yet this is a man who is meant to love you. You are not a lodger or the hired help. You are his wife.

Equality in marriage covers a multitude of things - not all contributions have to be financial ones. He may be contributing most financially, but emotionally he doesn't sound like he puts much in the pot.

Also, you do realise you would probably be financially better off if you divorced? Look at the entitled-to website at the benefits you could claim as a single parent. And unless he's a potential dead-beat dad, you'd have time to yourself to work on your business too.

And maybe the thought of the financial settlement in the case of divorce might focus his mind on how it might be better to treat you like a wife and share his wealth whilst still married.

Have you actually sat down and talked in depth about finances? Actually wrote everything down? What he's doing is financial abuse but if he doesn't know the full extent too he needs to know. Surely he won't want to see his kids and wife go hungry.

@ForeverHopeful21 I was in an abusive financial marriage like this op after having children. Pre children I was a good earner so all fine, post 4 children the financial abuse increased gradually as did the other abuse.

I would not recommend counselling with a controlling abuser. My ex controlled the relate counsellor and the sessions, leaving my confidence even lower. After 8 sessions we didn’t get to talk about money or the affair he had as he manipulated the conversation. I kept trying to raise it and said in 3 sessions that we needed to talk about money, after the third time the counsellor looked me in the eye and said ‘I gather money is important to you’ as if I was very materialistic, never mind that I couldn’t afford food whilst our children went to private schools. In the end the counsellor declared that I needed to get treatment for my depression before she could help us further, the depression caused by his financial control and affair! I was left at rock bottom.
These abusers always have a way of coming across so eminently reasonable and putting the ‘blame’ back on you, as with your DH saying that it is your job that is the source of your lack of money, not his miserly ways, somehow making you feel guilty where as any normal person behaving as he is, would be feeling guilt at their selfishness.

This is horrible. I have absolutely 0 money at the moment because I just finished my PGCE and haven’t yet been paid for all the key worker teaching I did before summer.
My partner doesn’t make that much, but he has supported me financially and made plans with his money as he knew this situation would happen. He has been incredibly supportive and never moaned about it - he knows that once my pay check comes in I will be treating him! Why your husband wants to make your life more difficult is beyond me.

He doesn't have to be abusive in other ways because by controlling your financial position he's controlling you significantly. You're in a one-down relationship to him as you can't socialise, have trips away, even have a haircut whereas he can. Meanwhile you are one-down to him also in terms of having to do the childcare and domestic drudgery.

You have been ground down enough by this to only mildly question whether this is fair or reasonable. It isn't. Of course it's harder to earn more money if you are carrying all of the domestic and childcare load. If he had to do both his job and all the household work, it would severely curtail on his golfing time!

As PPs have said, it's not that he can't understand your situation, it's that he doesn't care. And I don't think I'd want to be in a relationship with someone who cared so little about me. Definitely check out the women's aid courses. And read why does he do this by Lundy Bancroft. And maybe think about what it is in your upbringing that has stopped you from seeing how controlling and unloving this man is.

I would agree with him that you will change your job. But along with that he will need to step up and take part in looking after his dc.

No more leisurely afternoons on the golf course as you will be working and he will need to look after his dc.

No more f/t work as he will need to collect/drop off his dc at school.
You can’t be expected to do all that if you are working f/t

You say you don’t pay any household bills but then list a bunch of household bills you do pay.
Food, telephone and petrol who ever is using it is still I would consider a household bill.

If you cant see that he is abusive then he has done a proper number on you.
Married and yet he has a comfortable life with money for his needs whilst you scrimp and go without.

It is financial abuse.
My ex refused to 'carry me' financially as he put it when my maternity ended. I had been let go by my employer as she didn't want a worker with kids. It was a job where the worker often does not have kids.

I was paying for household groceries and everything for the dc and I and half car bills, with dwindling savings and CB for about 18 months, whilst looking for work. Then I managed to earn about £20 a week. And gradually earned a bit more as time went on. Still on very small income though.

He would be in control of my phone and it was payg then. And only top it up (£10), after I had asked four or five times. So about £60 credit a year on phone. He always updated my phone I was never allowed to choose one or have a smart one for years. Until I finally bought one for myself.

I would seriously have a chat with him about the situation and then weigh it all up. It took me years to get the confidence to tell him it was over and I wish I had done it sooner. (There were other abusive and unreasonable behaviours from him going on as well).

Sending you a 🤗

It doesn't even remotely occur to him that you 100% facilitate his 'big job' If your hours weren't flexible for childcare who would look after your DC. This is the very first thing that you need to point out!

I have been through all of this with my DH. He was out in swanky restaurants whilst I was scraping by on egg on toast. I told him that we need to be more equal financially or I'm leaving him. He was shocked to the core that I could manage financially without him.

We now have a joint account & I have access to money.

This IS financial abuse OP. How is he in other ways, does he pull his weight around the house/with your DC etc?

OP you're getting a hell of a lot of people telling you about your husband and your life. Remember that no one here knows your situation well enough to decide it's abusive. Of course it's possible, maybe even likely. But we aren't able to make the judgement for you. I posted about a very similar thing a few months ago (since name changed). I was told DH was abusive and all the different types of abuser he could be. I began looking for tell tale behaviours and became convinced he was dangerous. I started to look into how I could leave. I spoke to my mum about it, someone who actually knows him and our relationship (and isn't actually his biggest fan tbh) and she helped me see things a bit clearer. I spoke to DH about our money situation. It wasn't easy, he wasn't totally responsive at first be I insisted, we dug deep and returned to the conversation 2 or 3 times until we had a set up we were both happy with. I posted an update on my thread to say the situation was sorted and still other posters insisted I was being abused and was in danger. I can't believe how close I came to leaving him just a few months ago, based on the opinions of totally anonymous strangers.

So, clearly the financial situation is not ok but you need to decide if it's something you can fix with him. Decide what your ideal would be and map it out. What would it look like it reality. Maybe that includes agreeing a point at which you will be able to work full time (ie when your youngest is at school or something) Then talk to him about it. Tell him all these things you've told us about haircuts, baked beans, holidays etc.

What worked for you will not in all likelihood at all work for the OP.
The chances of this man listening to his wife here are zero; infact she has cited examples where he has further patronised her. He has no insight or empathy whatsoever here for his wife's situation and does not care at all for her. You would not want the OP to remain in such a marriage.

Its not her responsibility to fix this either as he has created this power imbalance when it comes to money. Women cannot fix abusive men. He knows he has not taken his wife and child on holiday whilst he been on several holidays. He does not care for her at all; he wants her to be trapped and controlled and otherwise willing and compliant. She has no voice whatsoever in this relationship.

I have strong feelings about how unfair this is, but I think we need to check what you want, OP?

You're pregnant again... do you want to transition to be a SAHM? Or do you want to stay PT (after Covid) / transition back to a FT job?

Does DH value you being at home with the children for part of the time or would he be happy for your them to be in full time childcare (with the associated expense)? Does he just want both of you to maximise your earnings above all else?

Have you ever discussed joint accounts? You're married and have kids, so it often makes sense... is he totally opposed?

Just trying to understand your relationship dynamic.

@Ragwort thank you so much for your helpful response

Ok, so even if any PP want to argue that it's not financial abuse. You are married to a man who:

Does not see you or treat you as an equal.

Judges you by how much money you make.

Is not concerned with the welfare or happiness of his wife and child.

Is happy to treat himself to luxuries whilst his wife scrimps and gets into credit card debt.

Will shrug and shut down any conversation you attempt to have to improve the situation.

All of these add up to him being an unpleasant human being as a bare minimum

Financial abuse.
Look it up and read about it.
And yes it is controlling. It is about his power over you and entitlement that he has.
He sounds absolutely awful. You can have all the material things in the world, the biggest castle to live in but if it is toxic at home, this will effect you and your children.
There is support about there, I would suggest you start reading and accessing it.

@Ifawl

OP you're getting a hell of a lot of people telling you about your husband and your life. Remember that no one here knows your situation well enough to decide it's abusive. Of course it's possible, maybe even likely. But we aren't able to make the judgement for you. I posted about a very similar thing a few months ago (since name changed). I was told DH was abusive and all the different types of abuser he could be. I began looking for tell tale behaviours and became convinced he was dangerous. I started to look into how I could leave. I spoke to my mum about it, someone who actually knows him and our relationship (and isn't actually his biggest fan tbh) and she helped me see things a bit clearer. I spoke to DH about our money situation. It wasn't easy, he wasn't totally responsive at first be I insisted, we dug deep and returned to the conversation 2 or 3 times until we had a set up we were both happy with. I posted an update on my thread to say the situation was sorted and still other posters insisted I was being abused and was in danger. I can't believe how close I came to leaving him just a few months ago, based on the opinions of totally anonymous strangers.

So, clearly the financial situation is not ok but you need to decide if it's something you can fix with him. Decide what your ideal would be and map it out. What would it look like it reality. Maybe that includes agreeing a point at which you will be able to work full time (ie when your youngest is at school or something) Then talk to him about it. Tell him all these things you've told us about haircuts, baked beans, holidays etc.

She doesn't need to tell him, he will be fully aware. And she doesn't need to fix a man like this. That is not her responsibility.

@ForeverHopeful21 Sharing is Caring,Couple may have different needs.
To buy multiple things like best microwave ovens as home appliances,Fo that money required, so start sharing now

What was his parents relationship like? What was/is the financial dynamic?

Wow, my own brother is like this with his wife. I don't know why she puts up with it, I wouldnt.

Also the fact your DH goes off abroad without you would enough for me to divorce him, does not sound like you are a couple at all, sorry.

Work out how you would fare financially if you divorced. As the primary parent you'd get a bigger share of assets (property, pensions, savings etc) plus maintenance for the children. Possibly benefits. Tell him so and ask if that's really where he wants this to end up.

Send him Bill for childcare and housekeeping.

This is just silly though. Firstly you could only bill half the rate as it's also your home and child. Secondly he could send you a much bigger bill due half all the mortgage payments, nursery fees and other stuff.

God I hate men like this
Tell him you want a divorce because you're in poverty and need the money from the house sale

Sounds like he thinks he's responsible for house and utility and expects you to be responsible for children.
That's a fair balance on paper and it sounds more like he thinks you're not budgeting effectively enough where as the truth is, you do more hands on and he does more earning.
You both need to sit down and re evaluate your finances.

I imagine he doesn't have a clue what childcare costs. So go and get quotes for childcare for toddler and baby, and do a spreadsheet to show how much it all is if you were to work full time....

I think you need to tell him straight.
Look darling I am looking after the babies, your babies.
I can't work to earn enough to cover expenses, so right now untill the children are both in full time employment you need to provide the money for this family.
This includes the food bills and the children's expenses, unless you want us to be ill and you want your children and wife in rags, while your in new suits.