Husband keeps money to himself

[ForeverHopeful21]

My husband has a very good job. I a self employed, I don't earn much but I love what I do and work hard, and it allows me to work part time to care for our toddler. I am also pregnant.

We have been together for 14 years and always had separate bank accounts.

Over time he has paid for more and more bills, and as our house / mortgage has grown and he has earned more he was required to cover this. For this I am grateful. I buy everything for our toddler and always have, most food shopping and I have never asked him for anything for me personally.

Now (and especially as I haven't been able to work since March / corona virus and nursery closed) he hasn't given me any money. I received 35% of my normal pay from the government which isn't much and I used this on my few bills and our daughter. I have nothing in my bank account.

I paid for some food shopping on a credit card last week as we had little food in the house. This annoyed him, and I said how am I supposed to buy anything with no money?! His only response was, I'll have to send you the money to pay off the credit card.

If I tell him how difficult it is having no income, his response is, maybe you should do a different job. As if its as easy as that?! Especially when my hours are convenient for childcare. And I've actually studied and worked really hard to build my business up from nothing.

He has a very expensive golf membership, has just joined a swanky gym, has £50 haircuts and regularly has parcels arriving at the house for new shoes etc. But he insists we don't have much money. Its true we don't have tons, but this is because we are in the process of building a house. He also goes on a few holidays abroad every years with friends. And I go nowhere.

From the outside I think people think I'm so lucky because of the new house build and we live in a lovely area and I only work part time. But I can't even afford deodorant and live on beans on toast whilst he buys himself lunch at work everyday.

I really don't think its a control thing. I think he just thinks that I should do more and earn more. He is lucky that from leaving uni he stepped in to a great job and loves what he does. I always get the impression he thinks I'm lazy - even though I do 90% of everything at home, have my own business, and childcare. He often talks about me doing different jobs and what could earn us more. I think he's disappointed in me.

I've been used to living this way for a long time. I went back to work when my daughter was 7 months old as I was so sick of having no money. But since lockdown and not being able to work and receiving so little from the government (£300 a month for 3 months and £0 for the last 2 months) I just don't know what to do?!

@DishingOutDone well actually they've been together 14 years and she's worked through all of that so I'm assuming they never agreed for her to give up work completely.

Hes willingly paying for everything including childcare.
The only bills she has to fund is groceries and activities for her dc. Thats it. Unless she shops at Marks and Spencer or waitress for all her food shopping and the activities her child demands is their own horse or fencing classes or something else extravagant then that's not a huge amount of money to find.

If your only outgoings are food shopping and days out then your laughing and theres no need to struggle. You could work 3 days a week at tesco on minimum wage would give you 837.12 per month. Thats under the tax allowance still so no tax. Plus she may even get child benefit on top of that if her husband is under threshold.

You can't tell me you can't afford food and days out on that?! If OP is earning even less than that in her self employed job then she cant afford to do it.

Hes not making his family live in squalor whilst he sits on thousands. Hes paying to build them a new house for his family ffs.

Again. His attitude is poor. But I do think OP cant afford to be self employed so she should get an employed job until she can afford otherwise.

This is neither a marriage or a family.

If he wants you to be the one working reduced hours to cover childcare, drop offs etc then he needs to pool money and recognise that you are facilitating his career progression by doing the work of your shared children.

Or if he wants you to contribute more to the household financially because he doesn’t want the pressure of supporting everyone then he needs to take on half of the childcare, nursery runs etc to facilitate you doing that.

He can’t have it both ways, which is what he currently has and why wouldn’t he want that if you allow it to continue? You’re his unpaid skivvy while he personally pockets the cash from the work that he’s only able to do because you deal with the children.

No one who loves their spouse would merrily spend on themselves, go on multiple holidays etc while you can’t afford deodorant. That’s so messed up it’s disturbing. And to be honest most men with a young family don’t go abroad without their family several times a year for other reasons than money...because they’re a family not a carefree bachelor.

I find myself banging my head on the desk reading these awful stories which are caveated with ‘but I’m pregnant again’ and ‘he’s so great in other ways’....it’s crazy. He’s not treating you with kindness, love or respect.

Ask him flat out how it’s ok for him alone to reap the benefits of the career that you facilitate and what he would do if he didn’t have you to deal with the kids. I bet you’ll see from his response that he doesn’t consider the children his responsibility at all and his attitude is that if he didn’t have you he wouldn’t have kids anyway, hence there wouldn’t be an issue. Which basically says he didn’t personally want the kids-you want them so you deal with the impact. Probably not true, he wanted them but didn’t want them to affect his life in any way.

You have the choice to live like this and model it for your children, or leave. You could try asking him to change but I don’t see that happening and even if he did, how can you love and respect a man who is quite happily to greedily hoard for himself while his wife goes without. It’s gross.

I hope you’re ok OP and can find the best way forward for yourself and your children.

Oh and I can see the point of PPs that her work earns v little and maybe she should do something more than a hobby job, perhaps the husband thinks the same. But if that’s the case he should talk to her about it like a grown up and also take on the childcare and nursery runs etc to enable her to get another job. Will he do that? Hmmm.

"The only bills she has to fund is groceries and activities for her dc".

She is responsible for that because he likely sees that as womens work. They have always had separate bank accounts and now OP has no money for food shopping (his answer to that is to send her some money to pay off the credit card). He resents her self employment job and punishes her for doing that too. Her s/e hours when she was working were suitable for childcare.

He is doing very well for himself whilst she is going without. There are no shoe deliveries for her, no holidays and no £50 haircuts. She is eating beans on toast and she cannot afford deodorant. And you merely write his attitude is poor?!. How would you feel if this was your sister, cousin or even your mother in such a relationship?.

Attila what you’re missing here is she is an adult who like everyone else should pay for themselves and contribute to the family income. You write like she has no choice and he is stopping her working and depriving her, which is not the case, he’s telling her to get a job. She is the one choosing not to because she loves what she does.

We cannot forget about personal responsibility

I've always hated the view that if the woman's salary doesn't cover childcare she is working for 'nothing'. There is a value beyond the ££ to a woman having her own job and life outside of the family. In my mind childcare should be treated like any other bill and paid jointly by both partners on a proportional basis.

It is a form of abuse when within a committed relationship one partner can afford holidays, expensive clothes and haircuts, leisure activities etc and the other partner is worried if they can afford to eat lunch.

The best examples of this to me seem to be those couples who have a joint account for bills and then pay a comparable amount of 'spends' into their individual accounts.

It is a form of abuse when within a committed relationship one partner can afford holidays, expensive clothes and haircuts, leisure activities etc and the other partner is worried if they can afford to eat lunch

From which side? If the lower earner refuses to earn more even though they could and just wants the higher earners money? Which side is abusive?

I honestly can't believe some of the replies on here. Financial abuse? Really?

If this was the other way around, with the wife being the high earner, paying for all of the mortgage, all nursery fees, all the big household bills, a new build house, while her husband worked part time self employed that didn't pay very well...I think the replies would be totally different.

I also don't really get how you haven't been able to afford a haircut in over a year despite working as normal, yet only having to pay for minimal things. Maybe this should be a wake up call that your self employed job isn't sustainable as much as you enjoy it.

I don't want to sound harsh, but just realistic. You need to have a grown up conversation with him about shared finances, plans for him covering your maternity, and the prospect of you getting a better job in a year's time or how you will sustain another child's nursery fees.

You don't have a good relationship. You are being financially abused.

How lovely that he gets to have a wife and children that you do all the childcare for whilst working and taking on 90% of the household for him. All while he gets to have expensive golf and gym memberships and expensive shoes and clothes. But you can't have anything because he's also getting a new house?

Fuck him.

I'd tell him that you'll go back to work FT at a job, then, and tell him he can pay his share of the childcare costs. Look into how much that will cost him for a toddler and a baby; it's a lot! And tell him he'll have to do his share of the pick ups/drop offs and sick days, and there will be a lot of sick days. and he'll have to start doing half of the cleaning, laundry and cooking and myriad of other appointment for the children.

Or he can stop being a dick and share the family money.

What @howfarwevecome said

@GeorginaTheGiant

Oh and I can see the point of PPs that her work earns v little and maybe she should do something more than a hobby job, perhaps the husband thinks the same. But if that’s the case he should talk to her about it like a grown up and also take on the childcare and nursery runs etc to enable her to get another job. Will he do that? Hmmm.

Indeed. Surprising the number of these men who want their partners to get a better-paying job and contribute more, but aren't prepared to fit their own jobs around childcare.

If he was approaching this like a reasonable adult I'd suggest having an adult conversation with him, talking about where she could change jobs, what they could both contribute to joint income, how they could both split childcare/housework/etc duties. But someone whose approach to unequal incomes is to expect her to pay for the household food when she's earning nothing at all because of Covid tanking her business, and then grumbles because she pays for it on a credit card instead of money she has conjured out of thin air, does not seem like the kind of person you can have that grown-up conversation with.

I think the big problem here is the current situation OP-as clearly it hasn’t quite registered with him that you are getting next to nothing. it really depends on when things are ‘normal’ — if you are getting say £600 usually then that would just probably cover food bills for a family and a few activities but not really an awful lot else. Maybe your H simply doesn’t realise either how much shopping is? Do you do it all? The thing is he sees his income as his after all bills are paid and yours is yours, then it really comes down to the situation if you wish to stay with him that you need to earn more , he needs to pick up more slack so you can work more or he needs to stop thinking of his earnings solely as ‘his’ after bills. If there is actually plenty of money to go round between you, but just not always with you to cover off things then it needs to be seen if it’s meanness , a feeling that he feels you shouldn’t be working ‘ a bit ‘ around the family or he genuinely doesn’t have as much spare as he makes out and uses credit a lot or something. I think the other alternative is that when things get back to normal earnings wise your earnings pay for kids activities, your phone, your petrol, toiletries etc and he buys the main food shop.

OP. This is abuse. He can't be great in other ways when he's financially abuse. You'd be financially better off if you left.

Financial abuse is not not giving your partner spending money and paying for the roof over their head and the clothes on their back, and expecting them to work, earn and contribute

Except that he hasn't been paying for the clothes on her back. Nor is he paying for the child's clothes as the OP pays for that. And where did you get that he pays her spending money. She hasn't had a haircut for over a year fgs.

And she pays for her own phone and car, the tv licence and most of the food shopping.

She also does all the childcare and 90% of the domestic load.

The main issue for me though is that if he really had a genuine concern or feel resentment and he was a caring partner, he'd sit down with OP and work out how they could make it work for both of them. He would agree to do more childcare, say at weekends or evenings. He'd agree to do more housework. But that would upset his nice lifestyle, playing golf and weekends away.

Someone who does all the childcare, most of the housework, buys all the food, and all their own personal expenses is not a cocklodger equivalent. Whenever I've seen the cocklodger narrative, the woman does equal housework, looks after her own children a lot of the time, and pays for practically everything, while the cocklodger has plenty of time to indulge his hobbies and often doesn't work at all.

Have you asked him how childcare will work when you get this "better" job? Will he be paying half of additional childcare fees? Will he be doing half of the taking/collecting (usually requiring flexibility at work as options for childcare from 7-7 are limited)? Will he be doing half of the emergency childcare by taking time off for a sick child/childcare closure etc? What about domestic chores? Once you are working 5 days a week in this wonderful well paid job will he be doing half the cleaning, cooking, shopping etc? What about all the planning that comes with children - looking at schools, activities, playdates etc? Is he planning to step up for those too?

I am so so tired of hearing about women who have these men who think that being at home with dc and not working or working part time means they are just living the life of riley, with no additional responsibilities or expenses.

Anybody commenting about the poster getting another job needs to realise that the poster is currently pregnant. We’re living in the worst time for trying to find work anyway. How exactly is she going to get a job over and above others who aren’t pregnant. It’s bad out there right now and getting worse. The fact is he should be supporting her through this as he has the means to do so and they are a team. She shouldn’t have to live like a pauper while he’s swanning off abroad. It’s not ok OP. Have you looked at your options for living separately? Go get advice from a solicitor. Tell him you have no option but to file for divorce and petition for a split of the assets and apply for CMS as you can’t currently afford to live. Maybe if you see on paper what you are entitled to then it might make your mind up for you. I don’t know how you can love a man who would act this way anyway. It’s just awful

I guess we don't know the home conversations- the husband could have suggested doing half the childcare, housework, paying for a cleaner etc etc in order for OP to be able to get into full time employment, as it seems he places some emphasis on it?

OP might have said that she loves doing the job that she does and that she's trained hard for it and worked hard for it and would like to keep doing it, despite the lower money it brings in and it's vulnerability during Covid.

@Bluntness100 I was the higher earner and my husband gave up work. He also didn't do all the housework. I certainly didn't leave him to starve and he had equal access to the family pot.

Lots of other things wrong with our relationship and I've been the sole earner and sole parent now for 14 years. But yes I still think it's abusive. OP isn't going to be able to get a new well paying job whilst she's pregnant on the middle of a global pandemic.

I agree after the baby is born they need to reassess her business and whether it's worth pursuing. Together. Like a family.

Notcool, it’s not about what you did, nor is it what I think is right, factually what he is doing is not financial abuse. It simply is not. If he was preventing her working absolutely it would be. He isn’t.

But not sharing your salary For spends and telling your spouse to get a job whilst paying for all major expenses is not abuse.

I understand that what I do isn’t worth what my husband does and it’s his money.
But I don’t do nothing.
I was up at 7am after being up twice in the night with dd. Dh got up at 8.30 and commuted to the back room. I did some housework this morning and then made lunch. Took the dc out this afternoon which should be nice and I know it’s not the same as a job but dc1 has SEN and actually it isn’t relaxing and it is relentless. I’ve come back and put dinner on - I won’t eat anything because I’m trying to catch up on the ironing. Dh finished half an hour ago and has been lying on the sofa ever since. Tomorrow he will go to golf at 3pm and not get back until gone 8pm. Saturday he will play all day.
My day will finish at about 10pm when dc1 finally goes to bed.
I do get that it’s not like being responsible for earning money or for hitting targets at work. I do understand that.

In fact most days I get to the end of the day and realise that I’ve had nothing to eat or drink since breakfast 😂😂

Cat

What do you get out of this relationship now?

You really do not have to live under such a regime and you can choose to leave it. You have a choice here re this man, your children do not. He can do what he does now mainly because you facilitate him.

I do get that it’s not like being responsible for earning money or for hitting targets at work. I do understand that.

I think you know full well that you are working really really hard here and he doesn’t have it harder than you do, but you feel like you can’t actually say so out loud.

Do you have anyone in your life you can trust to talk this through with? Mum, sister, friend?

But not sharing your salary For spends and telling your spouse to get a job whilst paying for all major expenses is not abuse - what is this spends @Bluntness100 have referred to?

Do you mean food?

OP is currently pregnant and a great many people are out of work. She has a toddler. Will the DH help with drop offs, pick up etc. whilst his pregnant wife gets this other great job so that he can keep his cash for golfing?

Surely, it not being a flat share arrangement but rather a marriage, the DH should say look you earn what you can, I'll cover all the expenses where possible, we'll work it out together and then maybe you can re-train or get something to fit around the kids, so we can plan a more secure future.

But then it sounds like if he put his cash up for his beloved family, rather than spending it on himself and resenting his wife and kids, they'd already have that secure future. Puzzling isn't it.

Sorry typo - @Bluntness100 and others have used this phrase I'm not singling them out!