Husband keeps money to himself

[ForeverHopeful21]

My husband has a very good job. I a self employed, I don't earn much but I love what I do and work hard, and it allows me to work part time to care for our toddler. I am also pregnant.

We have been together for 14 years and always had separate bank accounts.

Over time he has paid for more and more bills, and as our house / mortgage has grown and he has earned more he was required to cover this. For this I am grateful. I buy everything for our toddler and always have, most food shopping and I have never asked him for anything for me personally.

Now (and especially as I haven't been able to work since March / corona virus and nursery closed) he hasn't given me any money. I received 35% of my normal pay from the government which isn't much and I used this on my few bills and our daughter. I have nothing in my bank account.

I paid for some food shopping on a credit card last week as we had little food in the house. This annoyed him, and I said how am I supposed to buy anything with no money?! His only response was, I'll have to send you the money to pay off the credit card.

If I tell him how difficult it is having no income, his response is, maybe you should do a different job. As if its as easy as that?! Especially when my hours are convenient for childcare. And I've actually studied and worked really hard to build my business up from nothing.

He has a very expensive golf membership, has just joined a swanky gym, has £50 haircuts and regularly has parcels arriving at the house for new shoes etc. But he insists we don't have much money. Its true we don't have tons, but this is because we are in the process of building a house. He also goes on a few holidays abroad every years with friends. And I go nowhere.

From the outside I think people think I'm so lucky because of the new house build and we live in a lovely area and I only work part time. But I can't even afford deodorant and live on beans on toast whilst he buys himself lunch at work everyday.

I really don't think its a control thing. I think he just thinks that I should do more and earn more. He is lucky that from leaving uni he stepped in to a great job and loves what he does. I always get the impression he thinks I'm lazy - even though I do 90% of everything at home, have my own business, and childcare. He often talks about me doing different jobs and what could earn us more. I think he's disappointed in me.

I've been used to living this way for a long time. I went back to work when my daughter was 7 months old as I was so sick of having no money. But since lockdown and not being able to work and receiving so little from the government (£300 a month for 3 months and £0 for the last 2 months) I just don't know what to do?!

No - it isn’t the same. It’s a different pressure. Ultimately no one is going to sack me. They might want to - but they can’t.

Amen to all those who say that, in his eyes, you don't deserve his money. For my stbxh of 2 decades too, there was only ever 'his money' and 'our money' ie all my financial contributions. Now we are divorcing, he is devastated to discover that, in the eyes of the law, the majority of our possessions are marital assets instead of 'his' and 'mine'. He's furious because at the core of his being, he can't grasp why he should have to share HIS earnings from HIS job. After all, I am only raising his children and was facilitating his career progression. I am nothing to him.

@Bluntness100 I agree in some ways and have always earned my own money. However.., someone doing the housework and all of the childcare isn't working a 40 hour week. It's every weekend, every evening, and no holidays ever. He doesn't do that. It is financial abuse when you have, essentially, a slave - no western government would allow you to pay that money for a live in housekeeper/nanny and never give them time off or pay a wage.

Perhaps you are a man, in the position of the OPs husband? In which case I suggest you give up a holiday to look after your children full time and clean the house and do all the cooking. After 2 weeks you will be singing a different tune.

I wouldnt fucking do it. Work 80-90 hour weeks for zero pay. Have no money and be a servant. Have nothing while my so called DH can afford anything he wants and has holidays without me. It's abuse. Sorry but it is

It's abusive because he knows she can't just walk out and get a better paid job while pregnant and during a pandemic. And because he has no intention of changing his lifestyle one iota to facilitate said job. He also knows that it would take some time to work your way up in an organisation in order to earn a decent salary. He knows he's got her between a rock and a hard place. And those of you with highly paid jobs and supportive partners are being disingenuous in the extreme to suggest that it's possible to change the OP's situation overnight.

In a marriage money is pooled / joint and he isn't allowing you access to your fair share of joint income.
You may well be better off getting a divorce.

I do think there are an awful lot of people in relationships who seem to forget that the idea is that you pool resources and share costs. An awful lot ‘ of what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine’ seems to go on. This all seems to work fine until one partner suddenly doesn’t have the resources, be it job loss, pregnancy, illness whatever. I think if you decide to live with someone then it may be deeply unsexy but it’s better to get to the bottom of how people feel about shared money , income pooling, joint accounts etc really early on before you are in a position where your options are limited. At least you will know where you stand. I also think a lot of people hide financial stuff with partners through embarrassment as life suddenly seems less fun’ when having to be frank about managing and bill paying etc- rather than trips out and restaurants etc .

Agreed @tarasmalatarocks, as long as you are in a relationship with an honest individual and not one with a talent for saying what they know you want to hear or that paints them in a good light! My long relationship with a narcissist has made me very cynical, as the person and potential partner/father he painted himself to be vs. what actually happened are poles apart. I always used to voice my thanks that he was nothing like his misogynistic father and brother. In truth, the only difference between them is that my stbxh is canny enough to keep it hidden until it's too late.

As other posters have mentioned, you're being financially abused. You're not a team.

@bakereld

I honestly can't believe some of the replies on here. Financial abuse? Really?

If this was the other way around, with the wife being the high earner, paying for all of the mortgage, all nursery fees, all the big household bills, a new build house, while her husband worked part time self employed that didn't pay very well...I think the replies would be totally different.

I also don't really get how you haven't been able to afford a haircut in over a year despite working as normal, yet only having to pay for minimal things. Maybe this should be a wake up call that your self employed job isn't sustainable as much as you enjoy it.

I don't want to sound harsh, but just realistic. You need to have a grown up conversation with him about shared finances, plans for him covering your maternity, and the prospect of you getting a better job in a year's time or how you will sustain another child's nursery fees.

Yes, but it isn't the other way round. She is giving birth to and looking after children, and presumably keeping the house.

I sincerely hope you are paying into a pension scheme, op, because when it comes around to your retirement - and time passes quicker than you imagine - he'll be moaning that you have little income and he has to pay for everything. You'd be surprised that some people think like that, there was a thread about it the other day.

You are essentially a slave. How many hours are you working a week when you add up your job, childcare, housework? And you're struggling to feed yourself properly...And you're pregnant too. It just gets worse and worse...! He should be sharing with you and looking after you.

The 'just go and get a better job' thing isn't really appropriate here...(1) you are hampered by doing almost all childcare/housework so you're never going to earn as much as him even in the best employment environment; and (2) you're pregnant, have caring responsibilities and the jobs situation is absolutely dire so employers have their pick of unhampered employees who can work flexibly/all hours.

I think you should at least have a look at what you'd be entitled to as a single mum... It might surprise you... I've never been in that position myself, but I have a friend who is. She works 3 days a week, gets almost all her childcare covered and they have a nice, if modest, life (the occasional holiday, days out, the kids want for nothing, small house with garden). She gets hardly any child benefit either and wasn't married to DC's father so no share of assets. You'd probably be better off than her.

Sorry, should have said 'hardly any child maintenance'. Her ex is not a high earner, unlike yours.

It seems most people have missed the post where Cat said her DH actually encouraged her to give up work after Dc2.

All the posters that say have a grownup conversation with him, prob don't realise that alongside financial abuse willbe other ways of controlling as well and most likely other abuse going on that the OP may be so conditioned to she doesn't even realise.

You can't have a grown up conversation with an abuser as they will always twist things and will always make sure they have the power.

For the people that keep saying 'her' children instead of 'their'. Their children are his responsibility too and it is not a loving or caring marriage with him having multiple holidays without his family or caring how the childcare is managed.

This is about his power over his wife
The fact it's even got to this stage shows that. He can do what he likes and how she manages their children is up to her. Big houses and material things cover it all up.

I can't believe the way some of you are prepared to live. My salary is tiny compared to my OH and yet he gives me £1000 a month for anything I need (we aren't married, no kids) he has never once made me feel less than him because of my earnings. He started giving this allowance to me me because since we met he has got a much higher paying job and he doesn't like to watch me struggling while he can spend on whatever. Although I do help him with his business, it really is minimal, perhaps a few hours a week. Id divorce or at least be having very serious talks about the future

@Catthroughthewindow

This is me also. Dh earns a six figure sum, after tax, plus his car allowance and his phone and petrol are paid for.

He ‘gives’ me £550 a month for me and two dc. Out of that I pay my petrol, phone, clothes and stuff for kids, car related expenses and about £100 or so on food.
It leaves me with barely anything. In the holidays it’s extremely difficult to take two children anywhere with a budget of about £7 a day. I can not afford the hairdresser etc.
He can afford what he likes, he’s just bought a new golf trolley at £2k. I don’t begrudge him that, he works hard. I just don’t see why he wouldn’t want his children to be able to do things and go places. I have no access to any other money.

I'd begrudge him every fucking penny until he treated his family like they mattered.

@Bluntness100

It is a form of abuse when within a committed relationship one partner can afford holidays, expensive clothes and haircuts, leisure activities etc and the other partner is worried if they can afford to eat lunch

From which side? If the lower earner refuses to earn more even though they could and just wants the higher earners money? Which side is abusive?

She is currently pregnant.

And what if one partner is picking up most/all of the home and childcare work.

Does that count? Or only paid work?

@Catthroughthewindow

No. It’s all his. He says sometimes it’s ‘ours’ but it’s not. It’s his. He also says the house, everything in it and we are also his.

I would struggle in a divorce because that’s how I feel about it too. I don’t believe I’ve any right to it. When I was earning it was significantly less than him so I’ve never put as much in. I know he has a sizeable pension (me, nothing, will have to die young 😂) and about £100k in savings and bonds plus some shares. Maybe another £80k or so in shares?
I’ve got a credit card debt of £200 that I’m desperately trying to clear and that’s it 😂

Namechange fail?

It's not all his!

You have had his children. You have enabled him to have a family and continue to work.

He has really done a number on you, hasn't he?
You are supposed to be a partnership. This is anything but

I really don't understand why some couples apparently only value paid work, and a sahp or part-time working parent's contribution in terms of child-raising and facilitating the full-time worker's career is viewed as worthless.

I can't understand any decent partner watching their spouse struggle financially and acting as though it's nothing to do with them. It doesn't seem like love to me. And if you're married, you actually have a legal obligation to support your spouse.

Lockdown has been tough for everyone OP. I would count your blessings. You’re married to a guy who respects feminism and encourages you to earn, and I think that’s great.

Just leave the kids with him and take a full time job. See what he says!

@Ragwort ... absolutely, every day on here you see similar stories.

He won't change so you you must. Next pay-cheque you see to yourself, get that haircut, any clothes you need, put some aside for that spa trip or whatever. Then, whoops ... nothing left for food or your daughter. He'll have to step up if he wants to eat.
And shame him. Tell his parents, friends - anyone before whom he'd be embarrassed to lose face.
But actually, you know what - just leave him. And if anyone asks why, tell them you couldn't stand life with a mean git.

Christ.

I'd say he's being financially abusive. I've not rtft but I couldn't just skim past.

I think that it's extremely unusual for a man (or higher earner - unfortunately usually the man) to not want their wife or partner to share in their financial success. Why doesn't he want to holiday with his wife and child too?

How much does he earn? And how much do you earn? What kind of job is he expecting you to just go and get?

I bet he wouldn't be willing to cut down his hours or pick up more of the child-rearing/housework to enable you to do that either.

From what the posts of yours I have read, it sounds like you'd be better off both financially and emotionally if you left this man.

It is so far from acceptable for a man to spend £££ on haircuts, gym, new shoes etc. while his pregnant wife struggles to feed their toddler and herself properly.

OP, what will happen when the baby arrives? If you were single, you'd be entitled to benefits including a maternity grant and healthy start vouchers. The reason you're not is because the benefits system assumes (wrongly in this case) that your DH is supporting you and his children properly. Who is going to pay for the nappies and other baby expenses?

And when he trades you in for a younger model once the kids have grown up. And you have limited your earning power. He has ferreted away savings and investments. And you truly believe you don't deserve your fair share because of the way you have been treated for years. Then what? You walk away with next to nothing and he carries on as is? He wouldn't be able to have his career without the sacrifices you have made to support the family.

Your income has reduced for reasons outside your control and he thinks it's your problem entirely? Mmm...