Is this financial abuse?

[Rocksandriches]

Hi
We have two children and I’m a sahm. I worked up until the youngest was born.
Dh js a high earned. His net last year was over £110k. We have no mortgage. I have no joint access to money. Of that £110k dh gave me £6,500 over the year in terms of an ‘allowance’ out of which came activities for the children, my clothes and their clothes, some of the food bill, my petrol, my mobile phone, my car insurance. Over the holidays and at weekends I take the children out and so pay for those things too. My parents often come with us at the weekend and end up paying for quite a lot of it.
Dh moans about money a lot. It makes it hard to ask him for any more because I know what his reaction will he. For example over lockdown we’ve spent about £500 a month on food - this has included things like alcohol for him and expensive coffee and wine - and he has gone mad about the expense. Luckily I don’t eat much.
If I need something - like a new coat or shoes etc I wait for Christmas / birthday or he might say I can have it if he’s with me at the time.
I feel like a child. I was hoping to get a job come September as my youngest will start preschool but how easy that will be I don’t know.

What you are describing there moominmama is the nice and nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. How much more of your life are you going to waste on a man who is unwilling and unable to change. Hope here of change is futile. This is who he really is; an abuser who is treating you with the utmost contempt and as the kids get older they will see more and more of what he is like towards both them and you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to treat their spouse or partner like you are?. No you would not but currently at least, you are showing them that this treatment of you is still acceptable to you.

@MoominMama99 maybe start your own thread I think there is a lot of stuff in your relationship that isnt normal

You are unhappy and that in itself is a good enough reason to leave.

He talking sexually to someone was a form of cheating and he certainly was not thinking of you or his family then when he was doing that. Would you actually want to teach your kids too that the only reason they should leave their spouse is if they get cheated on?. C'mon give yourself a head wobble here.

You may not see it as bad but that is also because he has conditioned you into thinking it is not (it is though) and otherwise thinking that no-one else would want you. You are trapped financially too and he uses money and or lack of access to it to control you. You likely have no idea what is in the bank account and he does not want you to know either. Such men do not share and do not change. And if you were to stay and they were at that time grown up, they could also come to despise you too (or certainly not want to see either of you very often) for being "weak" and or putting their abusive father before them.

I've actually never said this on any thread but you should LTB. Like a previous poster said you will be better off and you're already doing it all anyway.

Yes its true we are financially trapped as we are sahm.
I got nowhere to go, I got no money, only some debts I trying to pay off very slowly by selling my stuff.
I can not leave as would be homeless. I got no family in UK, only my DM who lives abroad.
We don't own house, only renting, so nothing in my name, no assets.DH earns just below 50k but the rent is high, plus he pays all the bills, car, car ,home insurances etc..
We only have one car but I don't drive it.
His mother says that I should give up all my bills like phone or dental insurance so i can give him the CHB money as that's apparently what she did when my DH was little and contributed to the marriage.
I got access to DH account so I can see he has no savings.

Only one answer @ThisismeT. Get a job. A real one. Go in however you can (part time etc) and just work and be reliable and keen and you'll go up the ranks quickly. And you'll have money.

Maybe not at first because these arseholes make you use all your income on childcare but after a while you'll be out earning your childcare and that money will be yours. Then you LTB.

Or even better LTB first get the settlement and then get a job.

@Rocksandriches you could be describing my life a few years ago.

I had a business with my husband and he used to give me about £200 a month. Although I was paying out all the childcare, school meals, kids' clothes (3 kids) etc, I had to ask for every single item. I would be called at work by the kids' school that the canteen money hadn't been paid. I had to ask for money if I wanted to get my hair cut, and he would dole it out to me. Sometimes he would 'forget' and I would literally have to ring him from the salon and ask him to transfer the money over then and there.

It would happen when I was at the supermarket, that I would try my card, it would be declined because he hadn't put the shopping money in and he would then "put 50 quid on the card" so I could pay at the till. Mortifying.

It was hellish. I brought it up time and again; I was basically a 40-year old woman, working full time and without any financial spending power. He would argue that "I only had to ask" and he would give me the money, but obviously that wasn't the point. He would also just go out and replenish his wardrobe at any time. At the time I wasn't aware of what 'financial control' is, but this lasted for 14 years. My family saw it, but it was hard to explain, as he rationalised it, and said that it made sense he controlled the money because he paid the mortgage.

Needless to say, I left him, and although it has been challenging, I am 100% happier, new life, new place, new career - I couldn't have done it without my local Women's Aid who talked me through every step of the way.

PLEASE get out and go and enjoy the life and freedom you deserve.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

@Vodkacranberryplease that’s the loop see.
If I try to look for job then he says- oh who will take care of our child at school hols etc.. if I want a weekend job- the same - who will look after her as he plays golf whole weekends.
And then he says I’m lazy sitting home doing nothing and he is only one who works. The place is filthy and dirty and it’s all my fault. ( it’s not- it’s clean but he has extreme OCD) so everything is dirty in his eyes.
We got no family around at all to childmind etc. And he would not pay for childminder etc. Ever.

@ThisismeT well you'll have to do something you can't live your life like that waiting for the children to get older - it's damaging them too.

Obviously you'll have to pay for your childcare. He's not going to pay because he's an abuser and is controlling you. Unless you get a job at a school or nursery while will be terribly paid but will be school holiday friendly. Or do something part time while they are at school he doesn't know about and stash the money elsewhere.

Golf is an expensive sport. If he has that much money you need to find proof of it, and talk to a solicitor because unless he hides it he has to split it.