Is this financial abuse?

[Rocksandriches]

Hi
We have two children and I’m a sahm. I worked up until the youngest was born.
Dh js a high earned. His net last year was over £110k. We have no mortgage. I have no joint access to money. Of that £110k dh gave me £6,500 over the year in terms of an ‘allowance’ out of which came activities for the children, my clothes and their clothes, some of the food bill, my petrol, my mobile phone, my car insurance. Over the holidays and at weekends I take the children out and so pay for those things too. My parents often come with us at the weekend and end up paying for quite a lot of it.
Dh moans about money a lot. It makes it hard to ask him for any more because I know what his reaction will he. For example over lockdown we’ve spent about £500 a month on food - this has included things like alcohol for him and expensive coffee and wine - and he has gone mad about the expense. Luckily I don’t eat much.
If I need something - like a new coat or shoes etc I wait for Christmas / birthday or he might say I can have it if he’s with me at the time.
I feel like a child. I was hoping to get a job come September as my youngest will start preschool but how easy that will be I don’t know.

Yes I would say this is financial abuse. So you don't pay a mortgage which is usually the main outgoing for most people and he earns £110,000? Where is all the money? My father used money to control and abuse my mother, that's why I would never give up my job.
You have been at home looking after the children and house etc. I wonder how much a full time live in nanny would get paid!!
You should not be too scared to ask for essentials like clothes.
I'm all for being careful with money but there is nothing more unattractive than someone who really tight.
If you got a job would he expect you to pay for more?
You need to have a serious conversation with him, good luck with the job hunting.

That is his intention in a nutshell; to make you feel powerless.

Financial abuse would make anyone feel like you are feeling and I would think he abuses you in other ways too.

I would also think you have no idea at all how much he has squirreled away for his own self; such men really do not want to share and never share. He can spend what he likes whilst you can't even get your haircut without a voucher!. This is utterly dreadful. (I would also think that you rarely go and have a dental checkup because that costs money as well).

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/.

I would urge you to seek legal advice and start forming a plan to leave him. Such men do not change and this situation is not going to get any better for you and your kids.

Yes this is financial abuse. What does he do with the rest of the £103,500 - there's no mortgage, food isn't much at £500 per month!! Have you sat down with him and told him you're not happy about it and tried to change the way the household money is managed? You're a family, being a SAHM I presume is a family choice - his kids are benefitting and it means you don't need childcare (and maybe you don't need a cleaner). I think it needs to be an open conversation and if he doesn't change - you need to decide if you want to stay. I don't see you he can respect you if he doesn't think you're both entitled to enough money to live comfortably, you're both contributing to the family. You'd be entitled to half of everything so try see how much is in all the bank accounts etc.

Does he have a gambling problem or drug problem? That's a hell of a lot of money to hammer through. Unless he can tell you He puts away X per month so you can both retire and live on X.

Apart from the financial aspect are you happy?

Out of curiosity what does he work as?

I spend what I have on them. My parents have helped out here and there too. I find it difficult over the holidays because I have them 7 days a week and even an ice cream and a drink at the park adds up. I also feel that really I shouldn’t be having to worry about not being able to afford a drink and an ice cream for them. Dh does buy their shoes. But that’s it. Dd has outgrown everything over lockdown and it’s me that has replaced it all. Ds is 10 but in age 13 clothes and it’s expensive.
£550 - normally (not in lockdown) £100 at least goes on petrol, £30 on my phone (we don’t have a landline) so I’m already at around only £400. Then my car insurance - £40ish a month, £360 and basically I’m not left with much more than £10 a day. If we need anything day to day shopping wise I will pick that up too.

Awful abuse. I'd be leaving.

It is absolutely abusive. I usually work PT hours to fit in childcare and my DH earns over 10 times what I do, but all of our money is shared. I never have to ask if I can buy anything (if anything DH encourages me to buy more) and he saves each month for both of us. The reason he can earn £100k plus is because you’ve sacrificed your career to enable his. You will be able to get a job, but if you’re working part time you will be limited in what you can do and how much you earn. You will probably be over-qualified and under-paid. If you were to go back to work, how much would he support your choices? If you found your dream job but it meant you couldn’t do all drop offs and pickups and wouldn’t be available to look after ill children, would he make changes with his work to accommodate you? It sounds like you would be better off if you got divorced. It’s a really awful way to be treated. How are things other than the money? I assume he knows how you have to live. He must know how much he spends to have the life he wants and then how much he gives you (which also needs to cover the children which is unforgivable frankly). I guess your parents don’t have a similar income to your husband, but they can manage to contribute to his family? You deserve better OP.

I suggest you leave but plan very carefully because your children are suffering as well

How can you love a man who treats you this way

So he's got over £8.5k a month for him with no mortgage, childcare or clothes related expenses?

This is financial abuse, no doubt about that.

You need to challenge him. Huge love from here.

Can you have an open discussion to transfer all bills such as petrol, insurance phone, etc into bills account, open an account for kids and decide an appropriate amount to spend on activities and days out etc (just an average). Then say kids clothes need to come out of savings as you're all a family. Then your money is for hair, clothes, activities for you, gifts you want to buy, save for something you want.

I think you need to make him understand the kids are both of yours and not to be paid for out of your money. If he doesn't understand that I don't think I'd stay!

Are you happy other than money? Does he respect you in every other way?

Yes.
You are not valued and you are limited while he has a surplus of thousands every month.
Make a plan and leave.

No he won’t help sort the children when I go back to work. When I worked after dc1 I wasn’t that much better off because dh stopped giving me any money and I was paying for before and after school clubs. I was about £200 a month better off overall.
I never go to the dentist. It’s been a decade 🙈 I don’t like going anyway but I don’t want to have to ask dh for the money.
I’m not wildly happy anyway, overall. I feel trapped. From the outside it looks great I’m sure, we do go on holiday twice a year (one UK and one abroad) - that’s one thing dh will spend money on - but that’s because he wants to, it’s not me saying I want to go. And if we are away dh does pay for most things when we are there.

Have just read all your posts OP, it's very sad the life you are living. Not being able to even get a haircut or get the shower fixed?? I wouldn't normally say this but agree with others you would be better off on your own. Get evidence of his earnings.
He is happy to buy expensive stuff for himself but see his wife and children go without? Abusive tight fisted ba*rd.

OP - claim child benefit but refuse the payment. You need to claim in your name in order to get the pension credits you will need when you retire

Seek legal advice but on the face of it, this may be one of the rare cases where spousal maintenance is awarded (in addition to child maintenance) while you find your feet.

I'd say try to investigate what the family money is and if you want to leave you'd be better off on your own. You'd probably be able to buy a smaller egoist outright with your half of the house and FAMILY savings, get a fair amount of child support and even if he had little to do with the kids, it sounds like he has little to do with them anyway.

Could you speak with a solicitor?

"I spend what I have on them".

Yes you do and there is nothing left for you, you go without and you've gone without eating as well. This is precisely what happens when people are financially abused. You get a haircut when you receive some vouchers for your birthday. And you have not been inside a dentist surgery for you in a long while?.

This is NO life for you and or your children to be witness to; your children certainly notice that the shower is still not working after all this time and wonder why. Do not keep putting yourselves through this and firm up plans to divorce this man.

It's disgusting that he lets your parents pay for kids days out while he's bringing in over £9,000 per month with no mortgage!!

he brings in about £6k a month, allows himself £700 but you and the children between you + some of the food get about £500?

This is the kind of shit I let happen in my first marriage. I assume there are other problems in the relationship as if all was OK you would be able to have a rational conversation with him about it and come to a sensible agreement.

You and your children could have a lot better lifestyle if you divorced him. Assuming you could afford to house yourself from your half share of all savings/equity and get a job you'd be looking at £1000 maintenance a month for the children on top of that.

Is he worth the price you and your children are paying to stay with him? I discovered it really wasn't worth it at all to live with a financially (and sexually and emotionally) controlling person.

www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224

I am sure your parents will help if you leave, get CSA to contact him the second you walk away.

What else have you gone without over the years apart from haircuts, and dental exams?. All this and more besides you have gone without because it costs him money, money he uses to control you with. You really do not mean anything to him.

I would indeed seek legal advice and from this consider also employing the services of a forensic accountant because he will continue to hide money from you. He will fight tooth and nail to not give you a proper financial settlement.

Sorry, he sounds awful. Around £6k take home, no mortgage, and he is giving you the scraps to get everything for the kids while he spoils himself?
I can’t imagine someone that would be like this would be a nice individual in other areas of their life. Sorry he is like this towards you.

This is approximately a million % financial abuse. What can we help you with? Is it: being better at asking the dickhead who fathered your children for the basic funds to support them that he should be happily auto transferring monthly? (What would he say if you said ds is cold and has outgrown his coat but I told how miserable it is asking you for money for basics for them, he’s short tshirts etc as well)
Is it help on insisting on more access for finances etc? Is it support on getting him to still pay Or step up parenting while you look for and start a job?
Obviously it’s help with leaving him but understand there might be a few interim stages while you work on getting your head around this idea and understanding how you will live and feed the children. (Do they go to private school? Is he salaried ie harder to avoid cms? What living options do you have? What would you get financially? Would your parents and friends support you?)
While you think about this, don’t be ashamed. Of anything. You didn’t know he was like this when you married him, it’s not your fault he was like this, you need to be able to hold your head up high as a great mum looking after her children as best as she can despite the twat she married whole everyone you know knows he’s an asshole not fit to be a husband.

I wouldn't normally comment you've had lots of good advice, but this is so so wrong. I'm a SAHM my husband earns the same as yours. We have a joint account to which I have total access, also two credit cards. The only time we discuss spending is if the item is over £100. I'm the one who knows the ins and outs of our bills. He is treating you little better than a slave. This is awful (our food bill has been the same as yours during lockdown, we've actually saved money with DH not commuting), he patently doesn't care that you are struggling, being scared to ask for money to see a dentist is all sorts of out of whack. Please find help and leave.

Ok, so doesn’t sound like much of a family life. Do you think he would listen to you and do as a pp suggested and having an account all “family” things come from? All child expenses (inc after schools clubs, nursery fees etc) come under family as do phones, petrol, insurance, plumbing repairs (!!) etc. You don’t have any income so you can’t contribute anything. It would actually cost him more if you divorced. If you do decide to leave, take your time and build up a good picture of his finances because he will hide money, not disclose his savings and argue every request you make. Leaving may not seem like a pleasant option, but you would be able to live without the continual burden of his financial control and you’d be able to eat as much as you wanted and be able to get your hair cut (that is really bad btw. It’s not just being a decent man, it’s being a horrible person. How can he be ok with someone he’s meant to love never getting a haircut or not having enough to eat? He’s seeing his children go short because he’s a miser).