Is this financial abuse?

[Rocksandriches]

Hi
We have two children and I’m a sahm. I worked up until the youngest was born.
Dh js a high earned. His net last year was over £110k. We have no mortgage. I have no joint access to money. Of that £110k dh gave me £6,500 over the year in terms of an ‘allowance’ out of which came activities for the children, my clothes and their clothes, some of the food bill, my petrol, my mobile phone, my car insurance. Over the holidays and at weekends I take the children out and so pay for those things too. My parents often come with us at the weekend and end up paying for quite a lot of it.
Dh moans about money a lot. It makes it hard to ask him for any more because I know what his reaction will he. For example over lockdown we’ve spent about £500 a month on food - this has included things like alcohol for him and expensive coffee and wine - and he has gone mad about the expense. Luckily I don’t eat much.
If I need something - like a new coat or shoes etc I wait for Christmas / birthday or he might say I can have it if he’s with me at the time.
I feel like a child. I was hoping to get a job come September as my youngest will start preschool but how easy that will be I don’t know.

[Rocksandriches]

If he was with us he’d pay for the theme park or day out - but he’s so rarely with us. Only really on holidays.
The rest of the time he’s at work or on the golf course.

[PrayingandHoping]

Honestly OP this is ridiculous

Sit down and be firm. Say that while u are husband and wife and have kids all money earner is joint.

Sit down and write out a budget. Money in and all money out. Be realistic. The kids are his kids too.
Budget out of the family money for them. Then jointly decide what to save and how much spends u both should have

If he won't agree...
Reconsider your future

[SimonJT]

I earn a similar amount to your husband, I have a (hefty) mortgage and I’ve been paying my boyfriends rent for a little while as he lost his job due to covid, I’m not struggling financially. What the hell is he doing with the family money?

When you moved in together, became a stay at home parent etc what conversations were had regarding money? I’m fairly certain I know the answer, but do you have a pension that is paid into on a regular basis.

Surely as you’re not work bills should come out of a joint account/the account his wages go into.

Then you should each have the same personal spending money each month which isn’t intended for household items, food shopping etc.

Then there should be a seperate house keeping pot for food, childrens clothes etc.

And finally a seperate savings account for holidays, home improvement, emergencies etc.

[Murraygoldberg]

Christ that's so wrong, I am not a fan of the family money thing which is so popular here but your situation is outrageous, you honestly would be so much happier (and better of financially) without him

[Quartz2208]

So he is barely around

What is stopping you going to a solicitor and starting the process and getting a decent (deserved) settlement and enjoying life with your children

[FredaFrogspawn]

Do you own a home outright? Do the children go to independent schools? Even with his 700 and your 500 and bills,, there is a shedload of cash going somewhere is that £110,000 is his net earnings.

You need to collect evidence of his earnings - copies of everything - before you make the next move. This is an awful life to live and you can make it so much better if you divorce him. He sounds a crap dad.

[FredaFrogspawn]

And are you married?

[crimsonlake]

I want to know what you plan to do about your situation now that you have read all the posts? And yes you would be much better off financially divorcing him depending on the length of marriage...I hope your name is on the mortgage? We need more details including your ages. I am assuming he is saving all the money somewhere and you need to find out exactly where. Is he self employed? Since he is away from home a lot you need to start doing some digging, does he have a home office?

[Skyr2]

You must register for CB and this will at least give you national insurance contributions.
You will need to search online and get advise but I thought you can have CB paid to you, it just means that your husband will be paying the same amount in tax back. As he is controlling money and not giving you access to money, you definitely need it.
This is definitely financial abuse, my friend was in the same situation and got pin money for food which she had to save to buy nappies, clothes, everything. She couldn’t see it as wrong and was very defensive if I ever mentioned how wrong it was but did eventually recognise it for what it was and got out.

[forrandomposts]

OP please tell me you're still claiming child benefit even though he's a high earner and you can't have it? Otherwise you won't have a state pension

[Rocksandriches]

Children are in state schools - well older one is, younger one will go to the same school.
We don’t have a mortgage but I wasn’t on it and I’m not on the deeds for the house.
We are married and have been for 15 years.
I’m not registered for CB due to the issue of dh then having to repay it through his self assessment tax form. He isn’t self employed but he does have shares and income through those from additional family businesses even though that isn’t his actual employment.

[Quartz2208]

You are married correct - first stage is to register an interest in the house

You need to claim CB for your NI and future pension requirements

But the real question is why do you stay and put up with this hell of a life where you cant get dental treatment and live in poverty. When it looks like 110K is a minimum he gets and you live off less than benefits would

You will and should walk away with enough to get a small house and money to live off

[PrayingandHoping]

@Rocksandriches by not claiming though it means u aren't gaining NI contributions towards your pension!

I'm in the same boat in that I think I'd earn 20p in CB a year as OH is a high earner but there's a box to tick saying that you aren't requesting payment just want the NI contribution paid.
SO important!!!!


You must sit down with him and work out your family finances!

[ResumetonormalASAP]

What does he do with the rest of his earnings if you have no mortgage and he moands about £500 for food?

Is there another woman/man he is supporting? Another family?

Very odd.

[vivaladivagigi]

This is financial abuse. You're meant to be a team. Can you talk to him about it?

[formerbabe]

Of that £110k dh gave me £6,500 over the year in terms of an ‘allowance’ out of which came activities for the children, my clothes and their clothes, some of the food bill, my petrol, my mobile phone, my car insurance

That's a seriously tight budget to cover those things. I'm a sahm and have more than that to cover food, kids activities, petrol and anything I need. I'm pretty frugal and budget very carefully. It's especially disgusting when he's a high earner. I'd be very careful if I was you whether you stay with him or not, he sounds sly and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

[Lolapusht]

PLEASE put in a claim for child benefit! You can claim but then call them to say you don’t want the payment so he won’t need to repay it. The government guidance on it is spectacularly bad, but you need to put in a claim in order to get your NIC credits.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/hmrc-issue-briefing-explaining-child-benefit/hmrc-issue-briefing-explaining-child-benefit#opting-out-of-the-high-income-child-benefit-charge Section 5

[EmperorCovidula]

Register for child benefit-why do you give a shit if he has to repay it? Then file for divorce, at least that way you’ll have some financial freedom, don’t get a job before you’ve agreed a settlement.

[3rdNamechange]

I rarely say this , leave him.
Then he'll have to give you a lot more than that and half the house. Serves him right , the dick.
Please don't think I'm sticking up for him but does he actually know how much things cost eg kids clothes.

[vivaladivagigi]

My DH and I have separate finances as we earned similar money and didn't have kids. When I stopped working for a while after having a baby I had a joint credit card that I paid for everything with, and my husband cleared every month. I put everything on there, even haircuts, taxis to see friends, coffee etc. He never questioned my spending once.

Obviously I didn't take the piss, but we both understand that ultimately it's OUR money anyway, and we both should have equal access to spending.

[GingerBeverage]

If you input £110,000 a year into listentotaxman you get £5800 a month net.
He's giving you less than 10% of his net salary to do everything.
Yes this is financial abuse. He'll be sitting on thousands thanks to you.
Is the house in both your names?

[SoulofanAggron]

Yes, as a PP said, if he's making you live on six grand, you're effectively living in poverty. I'm on disability and probably can buy more stuff than you. I get my teeth checked, scaled and polished once or twice a year (NHS dentist is free but then I usually pay for the S&P I think.) If I was married to someone with your husband's salary I'd expect to be able to get my teeth whitened.

£500 for a family for food (esp as you have pets) I think is probably quite a careful shop.

[finished31]

@Lolapusht

OP - claim child benefit but refuse the payment. You need to claim in your name in order to get the pension credits you will need when you retire

Please do this

[Ugzbugz]

What an absolute vile pig. Take a fulltime job, he can pay for the childcare and make an escape plan. He is treating you as a slave.

[finished31]

@Lolapusht

OP - claim child benefit but refuse the payment. You need to claim in your name in order to get the pension credits you will need when you retire

Please do this