Is this financial abuse?

[Rocksandriches]

Hi
We have two children and I’m a sahm. I worked up until the youngest was born.
Dh js a high earned. His net last year was over £110k. We have no mortgage. I have no joint access to money. Of that £110k dh gave me £6,500 over the year in terms of an ‘allowance’ out of which came activities for the children, my clothes and their clothes, some of the food bill, my petrol, my mobile phone, my car insurance. Over the holidays and at weekends I take the children out and so pay for those things too. My parents often come with us at the weekend and end up paying for quite a lot of it.
Dh moans about money a lot. It makes it hard to ask him for any more because I know what his reaction will he. For example over lockdown we’ve spent about £500 a month on food - this has included things like alcohol for him and expensive coffee and wine - and he has gone mad about the expense. Luckily I don’t eat much.
If I need something - like a new coat or shoes etc I wait for Christmas / birthday or he might say I can have it if he’s with me at the time.
I feel like a child. I was hoping to get a job come September as my youngest will start preschool but how easy that will be I don’t know.

[Bluntness100]

Op, if he’s on 185k a year before tax, which I think is what you’re saying the children would be entitled to 1200 a month child maintenance if you split, assuming two kids who stay with him one to two nights a week.

[PrayingandHoping]

Nowhere here has the OP said she has ever sat down with him and ever tried to talk to him about the family finances and tried to get involved how where all their money is going

I do think it's worth doing. Talking finances in a couple is totally normal and is it going to give him any heads up she's planning to leave unless she gives ultimatums in conversation.

Op you could even start with a writing a budget for all the items YOU spend, show it him and then add all the other items you need (haircut, dentist). Writing a list and showing him that it doesn't add up may switch on a lightbulb in his head. Tell him you'd like to come to a separate budget for the kids activities and clothes etc, a separate budget for food. All this is reasonable and normal.

If he then ignores you and says tough. THEN take action

[Heyhih3]

@mel263

I suppose it's his money so he can do what he wants with it and you've been allowing it for so long so he thinks he has it made. I would talk to him and tell him you need more. If he's not willing to listen then leave him and claim benefits.

Gosh that’s very harsh. Surely they must of been a discussion about having kids and OP giving up her job. Who did OPs husband think was going to support the family? The neighbours.

[GingerBeverage]

£110k net!
Oh OP I'm so sorry, you're being taken advantage of terribly.

[WifeOfTiresias]

Just a thought, you can claim and receive child benefit in your name even if DH earns over the upper limit, but he then has to declare it in his tax return and effectively pay it back as part of his tax bill. That way you get money in your pocket and he gets the problem of paying the bill.

Personally I would do this and tell him you have been forced to do it as he is not giving you proper access to family money.

If you are afraid of his reaction to this that tells you that you are in an abusive relationship.

[PAND0RA]

Op you could even start with a writing a budget for all the items YOU spend, show it him and then add all the other items you need (haircut, dentist). Writing a list and showing him that it doesn't add up may switch on a lightbulb in his head. Tell him you'd like to come to a separate budget for the kids activities and clothes etc, a separate budget for food

I suspect that someone who earns £185,000 a year probably knows what a budget is. And that the OP needs to pay for the dentist. And that haircuts aren’t free.

[PrayingandHoping]

Never assume anything and he clearly doesn't know what the OPs expenditures are.... hence writing it out and showing its doesn't add up.

If he does know and doesn't care then that's different.

[Rocksandriches]

He appears to think we have almost equal spending money but doesn’t factor in that I’m paying for three people out of mine - plus some expenses like petrol and phone which his work pays for.
In addition if he wants something extra - like a break with his friends, or to go abroad on a golfing holiday etc - he just does it. There’s no way I’ve room for anything vaguely ‘extra’.

[Rocksandriches]

I’ve told him and he says he gives me enough. I’m not having anymore. He did increase it to £550 from £500 about twelve months ago and now if I say anything he says ‘you’ve got that extra £50’

[mel263]

Sorry, I wasn't trying to sound harsh.
But at the end of the day it's his money, OP doesn't work, he goes to work for it.
She should leave, claim benefits and claim CSA surely?
As he doesn't seem interested in being a dad and supporting OP.

[Quartz2208]

Why do you stay?

[Quartz2208]

@mel263 not only should she do that but as they are married she would be able to claim a proportion of the assets

[finished31]

What a cheeky bastard he is....you need to get your ducks in order 'just in case' your ready to run for the hills.

[Bluntness100]

Op,

Look, you’re living this way through choice. You do not need to. You’ve not addressed if you agreed finances before you gave up work.

You do not earn the money and legally you personally are not entitled to it. That’s the harsh truth of it. You have chosen to live at his charity.

You have choices. Continue as is, and live off what he deems to give you
Or get a job and insist on a fair split of the child care costs, or leave him, claim child maintencw for the kids and either benefits for yourself them or get a job, and take your share of the assets the marriage has.

That’s it. As said, it doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks it’s abuse. It doesn’t matter if anyone thinks he should share with you equally. What matters is he doesn’t think this . And legally you have no entitlement to his salary. Your kids do but you don’t.

So you need to take control of your life and make some decisions.

[nicky7654]

Wow no way would I stay with someone that tight!! What a miserable life!! I'd definitely leave and put in for a divorce, at least your get half of everything and be better off. I don't work and my Husband and I share his bank account. £1600 a month goes in and no mortgage and we use it for food, bills and clothes etc. Not once has he questioned my spending and not once would I ask permission for a hair cut or day out!! Your Husband likes having power over you.

[namechange12a]

OP you're being financially abused. You shouldn't have to beg your own husband for money for his children. He sounds pathologically selfish. He must have tens of thousands saved up somewhere unless he has an addiction you're not aware of.

I would see a solicitor. With someone like him, you may need a forensic accountant. You need legal advice and take it from there. His behaviour is absolutely disgusting and I'm sure if part of a pattern of abuse.

[Quartz2208]

except of course if they split up and then she could potentially be entitled to some of his salary

Which is odd isnt it she gets more from leaving than she does from staying. What does that say about the state of the marriage and relationship

[namechange12a]

She'd be entitled to more on benefits.

[User43210]

I can't believe people behave like this. My dad is a higher earner and my mum, for the most part, a SAHM. Whilst in the heat of arguments (usually if my dad wanted to spend on something vast) my dad has been known to state "it's my money" in all fairness all their accounts and credit cards are joint and my mum probably knows more about the finances than my dad as she deals with it all.
Myself and DH have our own accounts (got together a little later in life than my parents) however we each put in a certain amount to a joint account which more than covers mortgage, bills and food. We then have our own accounts separate but this is mostly so we can buy presents etc online without the other seeing the details accidentally. Anything needing to be bought online, either of us will buy no matter who it's for. And we are not on even half of what your dh is when added together. Also we easily spend between £70 and over £100 a week on food and that's just two of us. £500 for a family is nothing!

I think you need to sit down and write it all out to go over with him. Something like "you get x amount, bills and shopping equals x amount, leaving this much. I think a fair division per month is 50/50 or 60/40 or something like that (make sure your percent amounts to enough but if you need to make him feel he gets more, then fair enough. Maybe even add in a percentage for savings) therefore I should be fairly transferred this amount per month"

If he argues, you tell him that he only makes that money because you have been there looking after his home and family and why should you live in poverty because you allowed his career to become more important than your life? Also (fact check this with a solicitor if you can) tell him if you were to leave, he would end up paying you a hell of a lot more in child support and spousal maintenance. And if you weren't there one day, the amount of a nanny and maid would be x amount.

So sorry to hear that he can be so tight. I'm sure there must be reasons you're still with him apart from the kids. However if there aren't, then maybe don't put yourself through the drama, get a secret check on him and prepare yourself to take half and live like a queen!

I also have to add, the fact that your parents pay for things for your kids when your husband earns that much, sickens me. Completely because of your husband (I understand you have to let them to survive) but I bet you appreciate them, you have an amazing set of parents and your husband should be ashamed in himself for that. I don't know how he can let that happen, but he certainly isn't acting like a man.

Sorry for the long post, OP I just feel so strongly for your situation as you deserve so much more!!

[GingerBeverage]

I'm rereading and the broken shower alone would send me packing.

[User43210]

@Bluntness100

Op,

Look, you’re living this way through choice. You do not need to. You’ve not addressed if you agreed finances before you gave up work.

You do not earn the money and legally you personally are not entitled to it. That’s the harsh truth of it. You have chosen to live at his charity.

You have choices. Continue as is, and live off what he deems to give you
Or get a job and insist on a fair split of the child care costs, or leave him, claim child maintencw for the kids and either benefits for yourself them or get a job, and take your share of the assets the marriage has.

That’s it. As said, it doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks it’s abuse. It doesn’t matter if anyone thinks he should share with you equally. What matters is he doesn’t think this . And legally you have no entitlement to his salary. Your kids do but you don’t.

So you need to take control of your life and make some decisions.

A wife has the legal right to secure basic amenities and comfort—food, clothes, residence, education and medical treatment— for herself and her children from the husband. So, understand that as a homemaker, you should not have to ask your husband for money; he is bound by law to provide it to you. Also, the wife has a right to know the details of her husband’s salary, as per a 2018 ruling by the Madhya Pradesh High Court.


www.google.co.uk/amp/s/m.economictimes.com/wealth/plan/money-relationships-what-you-should-do-if-your-husband-doesnt-share-financial-details/amp_articleshow/67910968.cms

[Bagelsandbrie]

He earns how much and he won’t fix the shower?! That’s insane.

[DaisyRaisin]

I've only read your posts OP, I'm actually shocked. My husband earns 30k net (2.5k a month). He got a second bank card which he gave to me when I got pregnant, so I didn't have to ask for any money. All of our money goes into one huge pot and we split whatevers left after bills and savings... I'm trying to work it out . But I think I spend more than £6500 a year now on what you say and we are far from high earners... the real problem here though isn't amounts. It's control. I would absolutely say you are a victim of financial abuse. Sorry but I'm a bit shocked by this.

He has £700 to himself and he thinks this is the same as you having £550 for everything that you have to pay for? He is absolutely aware of the discrepancies in his behaviour. I don't like the sound of him at all.

[mel263]

I wouldn't want any of his money any longer. I'd have to leave and never see him again. One thing my mum has always said don't rely on a man

[Dery]

You say he has £700 a month free spending. Obviously he has some bills. But given his monthly net income is over £9k and there is no mortgage, where is most of the money going? After he's kept his spending money and given you your £550, he has nearly £8k a month left. Has he explained where that money is going? Is he supporting another family? Are you, without knowing it, his second or even third family? Is he building a vast fortune in some offshore account while his wife sells her valuables and goes short of food? None of this makes any sense to me at all.

And to the occasional poster who is saying this is his money: my DH and I both work and we both freely use our money for family and DC expenses, because we are a family. That is what normal parents do. He sounds like he thinks he's still single.