Is this financial abuse?

[Rocksandriches]

Hi
We have two children and I’m a sahm. I worked up until the youngest was born.
Dh js a high earned. His net last year was over £110k. We have no mortgage. I have no joint access to money. Of that £110k dh gave me £6,500 over the year in terms of an ‘allowance’ out of which came activities for the children, my clothes and their clothes, some of the food bill, my petrol, my mobile phone, my car insurance. Over the holidays and at weekends I take the children out and so pay for those things too. My parents often come with us at the weekend and end up paying for quite a lot of it.
Dh moans about money a lot. It makes it hard to ask him for any more because I know what his reaction will he. For example over lockdown we’ve spent about £500 a month on food - this has included things like alcohol for him and expensive coffee and wine - and he has gone mad about the expense. Luckily I don’t eat much.
If I need something - like a new coat or shoes etc I wait for Christmas / birthday or he might say I can have it if he’s with me at the time.
I feel like a child. I was hoping to get a job come September as my youngest will start preschool but how easy that will be I don’t know.

You have no life with him by the sounds of it. You are entitled to 50% of the marital property including the house he thinks you have no right to. It's the law.

Yes - it's abuse. It is horrible and mean. Stop washing his clothes and stop cooking food for him. Seek advice from a divorce lawyer, and get rid of him soonest.

@Vodkacranberryplease

*This is disgusting. Let me explain something to the people who don't quite get it.
*
Were there people who didn't "get it" I've been on this post, reading a while and I can't recall anyone who didn't get it? Have I missed someone saying it's ok?

@BubblyBluePebblesmy grammar?
I’m not British. Hence my grammar is not perfect thank you for make me aware of this.
And no I’m not OP.
And I’m not troll. And trust me I sincerely wish I was!
So I would not live a live like this!

@User43210 Were there people who didn't "get it" I've been on this post, reading a while and I can't recall anyone who didn't get it? Have I missed someone saying it's ok?

I think quite a few people seem to feel that this is just a case of sitting down with him and discussing it and showing him the numbers.

As a PP said if he's earning over £100k he already knows the numbers don't work, and this isn't a misunderstanding or an oversight. A conversation won't work and he can not be readd SF Onefeed with.

Feeling like he can means wasting years potentially thinking that if only you'd phrased it differently or been more assertive it might not have happened. Instead of facing up to the fact that this is deliberate, cruel, calculated abuse from a very sick man.

@Vodkacranberryplease I can vouch that conversation won’t work in my case.
My DH thinks as since I’m being at home I am lady of a leisure so I don’t need money and child benefits it enough for me. So no any conversation won’t work.
His mum told him that I should even contribute even more and give up my mobile phone as why do I need it as I’m home! So there won’t be a mobile phone bill in my name. And I should give half of the £82 CHB to him as paying my way or save for ,,holidays ,, we never go.
All holidays are at his parents house up North.
So then he tells me: see I took on holidays! To his parents!

Totally agree with you @Vodkacranberryplease, it is impossible to negotiate with an abusive person. The only option is to get out but I am concerned about the Ops ability to act. She seems to have been ground down by her husband and has accommodated his behaviour. It's hard to convey that to others if they haven't experienced it themselves. Coming out of the fog is such an apt expression when you have been brainwashed by someone for so many years.

Would you not be better off if you split?

My husband is exactly the same. I'm a sahm and he works full time with a decent salary. I have to use what little I get in benefits and carers allowance (my son is autistic) to pay for food, Internet, my car insurance, council tax, phone and anything to do with the kids. We only have a small mortgage and no car finance so he should easily be able to pay all our bills but if I ask him for any money he gets mad. I get told I don't need to know how much our bills are. I've had to take on an evening job so I have some money to buy clothes for myself, or toys etc for the kids.

@MoominMama99 that is awful why do you stay as well?

This is such extreme control and abuse. I'm staggered at the sheer number of women who are living like this.

It is EXTREME. You are captives, slaves. This is not marriage and it's not living. It is essentially living as a slave. You are working and not getting paid. I am shocked.

How fucking dare they. You would all be 1 million percent better off divorced, financially and emotionally. Because they can't just have the house in their names and then not split it in the event of a divorce.

And the one with the mother in law - tell her to fuck right off. You should all start having affairs do you can see for yourself how utterly weird this is.

This can't be legal.

@moominmama99 why do you stay? That's not meant to be rude I just wondered if the positives outweigh the negatives?

@moominmama99 why do you stay? That's not meant to be rude I just wondered if the positives outweigh the negatives?

It is financial abuse and you don't sound happy. He sounds like a useless father and husband as he's never with you on days out etc anyway.

Do you have proof of his income and assets? Start making a plan to leave. You're married with young dc so he will have to contribute. You'll end up better off than without him though you may need to downsize if he won't let you stay in the house. At least you'll be independent and can start building a new life with your dc.

These men make out that you can't leave because you'd get nothing. And say things like 'no one else would want you' 'no man wants a woman with kids' 'you are completely useless and could never fend for yourself' ... and my personal favourite 'they will take your kids and I will get full custody because I will tell them you are insane and they will believe me because I am An Important Man.'

But they are lying to keep you under control. The courts have heard this shit before and they would never award custody on his say so. They also know this is a hallmark of abuse.

Assets have to be split and hiding them will get him in big trouble. If you are married with children then it's not 'his' house it's a marital asset.

And any single one of you would be better off on benefits.

@ThisismeT
I took note that you said you are not from the country (English is not your first language). I was wondering if you were a troll as I noticed changes in your grammar across your posts, not that your grammar is bad. Maybe you were rushing, distracted or tired when typing some of your posts.

If you are genuine, LTB (leave the bastard)!

@ThisismeT
And I realise that you are not the OP.

Yes this is financial abuse because of the imbalance of power (he holds it all) and doling out an allowance is part of that. If he did not earn £110k net and you were a SAHM and you kept separate finances £550 as spending money would not seem so bad except you are having to pay for 2 childrens clothes and activities as well as your own expenses like car insurance and mobile. If he really does earn as large a salary as you say it is downright evil. How do you pay for food?

As others have said if he has £700 just for him then where is the rest of the money going. How do you know he earns £110k net each month? Have you seen evidence of that and if he is a director is he being paid by dividends rather than a salary? That is a dodge wealthy people use when being assessed for child support. Low salary on paper but really he receives dividends especially if it is his own company and he can manipulate his salary to say what he wants. Less tax paid too.

You do need to confront him regardless of how hard it is and tell him this is unacceptable. It does not sound like he is much of a father or husband as he does not help with the children or spend any time with any of you so don't waste your life like this. Say that it is unacceptable you do not have a shower which works and you have no access to money to get it fixed. It is unacceptable that you are not able to get clothes for you and the children when they are needed and that you have to ask for an allowance like a 1950s housewife. They are his children too so you will be getting a job and he will be paying for at least half of any childcare. Or you will be filing for divorce and he will have to pay child support and give you at least 50% of the house and 50% of his pension. How much the child support would be though would depend on his salary on paper so be aware if it is his own company he can manipulate that.

I agree with @Vodkacranberryplease
The time for sitting down and attempting to have a rational discussion is longggg gone! People who behave like this man are simply sick and there's no point in going back and forth with them trying to explain the basic costs of living these days whilst showing them receipts, bank statements, spreadsheets and/or having to explain the cost of a decent pair of children's shoes!
Make a plan and run for the hills!

There's a lot more domestic violence (DV) awareness and help out there at the moment due to Covid-19 lockdown. So leaving now is as a good time as any. I have experienced DV issues as a child/teenager and also work in this area. Please make plans to leave ASAP. If you cannot find the strength to leave for yourself, please do it for your children.
As many others have said, you'll be better off emotionally and definitely financially better off if you leave him and get a divorce. Even though your name is not on the deeds or mortgage, you are married and you have children together, that he is responsible for. And you all live in the marital home. You are entitled to receive at least half of the value of your home, child maintenance payments, etc.
And please, please, please register for Child Benefit and refuse the payments, so you can at least finally start incurring NI contributions towards your state pension.
Good luck ✨

This type of abuse falls under the umbrella of Domestic Violence. Please get help:

Dial 999, cough and tap the handset.

Dial 55 and leave the line open (mobile phones only)

Go to Boots the Chemist and ask for help. Since lockdown, staff have been trained to help assist.

outofthefog.website/

🌈

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/

@BubblyBluePebbles great links! I knew this was probably illegal or counting as DV but wasn't sure where you would access that etc.

Re sitting down and going over bills then issuing ultimatums - please don't. All that does is give him warning so he can hide money. You actually need to take copies of everything including pensions, bank accounts etc and get them along with your own important documents (passport etc) out of the house and somewhere safe before you do anything more.

He may well be spying on you too so be very careful. You also want as much proof of his financial abuse and information as you can before going much further.

This is awful. I think you should divorce him OP. You deserve better. See a solicitor. You should be able to get a free half hour appointment. It’s not ok to live like this. Imagine your life, he will have to do some childcare on his own if he wants to see the kids. You’ll get half of everything. You’ll be financially secure and able to claim child benefit

I can't believe women put up with this.
He must have hundreds of thousands saved.
Find out where that is. Get details and divorce him. What kind of an example are you setting for your children?
Dreadful man.

@GracieLouFreebushh I'm not sure why..its like I don't see it as that bad if that makes sense? I guess I think that it will get better? I think that if he had physically cheated that would be a good enough reason to leave? I know he's spent money in the past on a site where you talk sexually to someone.. it was a few years ago now, I found his bank statements so I confronted him.. blamed me for not wanting sex all the time.. he has a way of blaming me for everything.. anyway he promised he wouldn't do it anymore. I can't know for certain because he doesn't get paper bank statements now and I don't know the code to unlock his phone, besides he takes it everywhere, even to the toilet, sleeps with it under his pillow so I would never know for sure.. its difficult because sometimes he can be great, but mostly he's just closed off, I just put it down to having 3 kids is stressful and work and maybe when they've grown up things may be different?