Is this financial abuse?

[Rocksandriches]

Hi
We have two children and I’m a sahm. I worked up until the youngest was born.
Dh js a high earned. His net last year was over £110k. We have no mortgage. I have no joint access to money. Of that £110k dh gave me £6,500 over the year in terms of an ‘allowance’ out of which came activities for the children, my clothes and their clothes, some of the food bill, my petrol, my mobile phone, my car insurance. Over the holidays and at weekends I take the children out and so pay for those things too. My parents often come with us at the weekend and end up paying for quite a lot of it.
Dh moans about money a lot. It makes it hard to ask him for any more because I know what his reaction will he. For example over lockdown we’ve spent about £500 a month on food - this has included things like alcohol for him and expensive coffee and wine - and he has gone mad about the expense. Luckily I don’t eat much.
If I need something - like a new coat or shoes etc I wait for Christmas / birthday or he might say I can have it if he’s with me at the time.
I feel like a child. I was hoping to get a job come September as my youngest will start preschool but how easy that will be I don’t know.

What was the financial arrangement that was agreed before you gave up work op and decided to have children?

The key here is did he change the goal posts on you, or did you not address this and just give up work without agreeing the finances.

My opinion is you need to work and be financially solvent. So you both need to sit down and work out how that will occur.

It does not matter if anyone thinks it’s financially abusive or not. He’s not going to change because some randoms on mumsent think he is.

So you need to sort your own situation out here and not continue to live like this.

He doesn't care about you and your children.He won't even provide basics such as paying for a plumber to fix your shower.

It sounds as though you're just a cheap housekeeper for him.

Do you actually spend any time with him as a couple or family because it sounds as though he spends his spare time playing golf.

Does he buy you presents on Birthdays,anniversaries etc?

Does he help with the kids or ever do any sort of chores around the house?

On his salary it says you'll be entitled to £12000 a month in child maintenance if you were no longer together.From the sounds of it he wouldn't want access to the kids as they might infringe on his lifestyle.

The problem isn't you it's him.

I think this is abusive. Could he be gambling or using drugs secretly?

The key here is did he change the goal posts on you,

No, the key issue here is whether a spouse is deliberately keeping his kids and their mother short of normal living expenses - e.g. new clothes when they grow out of / wear out others, a working shower, hair cuts - while he spends freely on himself. He is. Abusive. Stop with this shit about 'changing the goalposts'. Irrelevant. He's behaving awfully to them @Bluntness100.

The £110k is net. Not gross.

I suppose it's his money so he can do what he wants with it and you've been allowing it for so long so he thinks he has it made. I would talk to him and tell him you need more. If he's not willing to listen then leave him and claim benefits.

I wonder if he has thousands of savings squirrelled away! Its dreadful op. My first ltb here!

This is also why I have suggested op also employs the services of a forensic accountant as well as a solicitor.

This man cannot be at all reasoned with, I believe the op has commented to the effect that he will give her no more money.

You are in an abusive relationship. It doesn't have to be hitting to be abuse. He has 100% control over you. You can't go anywhere, see friends as you have no money. You can't spend money on caring for yourself, you are too scared of his reaction to challenge him. You have no future investments, no pension, no house, you are utterly reliant on him. This is actually very scary. I'd imagine things haven't escalated as you don't challenge him. Seriously, this needs to end but you need to be clever. Go to women's aid first, they'll help you see this for what it is and help you with an exit plan. He has trapped you but you have the power to untrap yourself. Big hugs xx

I think before employing specialists the OP could at least sit down and try and have a conversation...! If that doesn't work maybe even counselling.

Very easy from outside to say jump ship immediately but in reality there are reasonable steps that could be made first

Ok op you keep updating the situation and it’s worse each time but what is it you want to do.

Do you have access to Bank statements, pensions, mortgage statement.

Can you stay with your parents.

What is stopping you leaving or Planning to leave right now

I'm really confused. Everything about this is wrong but why won't he even spend money on his own children? He sounds like a complete and utter bastard. £110k net with no mortgage. And he's leaving you to pay for all family expenses out of an allowance that's so small you've had to sell your own valuables and go hungry to make ends meet. This is appallingly abusive. How is he not dying of shame inside?

He's even put you in the situation where your NI contributions have not been paid which has serious implications financially.

@Rocksandriches - it's clear from your answers that you've been somehow managing to hold this situation together for years and perhaps are only now realising how wrong this is. You've been in survival mode. You must be incredibly strong. But it's all wrong and no-one should be in survival mode in respect of their family life. You being an SAHM has been your job. It has allowed him all the freedoms he's got without having to pay for childcare costs. There is a huge financial value on that. But even if there wasn't, this is absolutely awful.

And I come back to this: why doesn't he want to spend money on his own children? Why would he keep them short in this way? Why would he provide so little financially that his wife, their mother, has to go without food?

In fact, it sounds as if he considers himself single. He's scarcely ever with you as it is and, of a salary of £110k p.a., he's allowed you £6.5k. I've just put that into our calculator - that's approximately 6% of his salary p.a. On his wife and children. On the people whom he should love more than anyone else in the world and want the absolute best for. What a bastard.

Ok, OP - one step at a time. Speaking to Women's Aid would be a very good place to start: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/.

Also, you're married so you have rights here if you get divorced for financial support and in respect of the house. Do you have anyone you can reach out to in real life for support? Is there someone who could pay for you to consult a solicitor? Could your parents do this for you? It doesn't mean you have to divorce him (though I think you should because he adds nothing to your life) but it would be very good for you to speak to a solicitor so you become aware of what your rights are in this situation. You've lived with so little for so long because your H has bullied you into accepting that and perhaps because you weren't aware of your own rights in this situation. Knowledge is strength in this situation.

@LouHotel I was thinking the same.

It is an awful situation to be in. It sounds like you would have great support from your family. But what are you going to about your situation?

Such men cannot be at all reasoned with, he likely does not think h e is doing anything wrong here.

Counselling with an abuser is never recommended. Counselling on her own is recommended. The op needs a safe outlet to talk.

Don't say anything to him about finances until you've had a good root through the paperwork and photocopied the important bits of paper such as bank statements, savings account details etc.

Then have the conversation. Stored the copies away from the house where he will never find them regardless of the outcome of the conservation. A sibling or parents house.

This sounds awful. He is tight and is controlling you through financial abuse. You and your kids are effectively on the the poverty line, although your DH earns 110K with no mortgage! He's right because he refuses to spend money to repair the shower which has been broken for five years! I would get some advice, end the marriage and ask him to leave the home.

Ladies - this is an example of why you need to 'keep your door in the door' by at the very least working part-time after having children.

As @AttilaTheMeerkat says, counselling with an abuser is never recommended and abusers themselves should not be encouraged to have counselling either as counselling is a validating process which tends to make them more abusive and more sure of themselves and their position, not less.

And as @fedupandlookingforchange advises, gather as much information as you can about finances as that is vital evidence. Given how he treats you financially when you're married, he will want to be even more stingy if you are divorced, but in fact you would be financially a lot better off, I'm sure (and emotionally and psychologically just from being away from him).

*He's tight because he refuses

*Keep your foot in the door

Just breaking it down a bit...

I think he allows himself about £700 a month free spending. I have £550 but out of mine comes the above.

Does he realise you're paying for lots of kids stuff and food etc out of your 'allowance'? I know it sounds obvious, but does he think he gets £700/mth spending money, and you get £550/mth spending money? (Obv not equal, but it's not too far off.)

Would he respond positively to a kids' fund? Where he could put money each month for clothes/activities etc? That way neither of you would have to dip into your own allowances?

No he won’t help sort the children when I go back to work.

Why not?

Childcare is both of your responsibilities. They have two parents. If you're both working FT, of course you split it between you. What's his reasoning for thinking otherwise?

(If he doesn't want to physically do drop-offs / pick-ups himself because it would impact his working hours, he can arrange and pay a Nanny.)

Yes it’s abuse.

And not it won’t change by you sitting down and talking to him.

Do you want to stay with him ?

I agree with @Dery and @AttilaTheMeerkat

Trying to talk to him again will put him on alert and make it harder for you to proceed. You're already scared to do so as you know what the outcome will be due to previous attempts to discuss this with him.
As others have also said, get your ducks in order by getting advice from Women's Aid and/or other similar organisations and secretly take copies of bank statements, etc.
Good luck 💐

SiL is in the process of divorcing BiL having discovered that over the course of their 35 years together he has spent more than £100k on prostitutes. He’s contesting the divorce and says he could spend “his” money as he liked. Trouble is, she worked throughout the marriage. Attitudes like his and that of your H OP make me sick.
As others have said, you would be 10 x better off away from him. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. This is so unfair to them.

It definitely sounds like abuse has it always been like this? How were bills and rent paid when you worked?. Also another thing you mentioned on your husbands salary and you don’t have a mortgage are you sure about this??