Is this financial abuse?

[Rocksandriches]

Hi
We have two children and I’m a sahm. I worked up until the youngest was born.
Dh js a high earned. His net last year was over £110k. We have no mortgage. I have no joint access to money. Of that £110k dh gave me £6,500 over the year in terms of an ‘allowance’ out of which came activities for the children, my clothes and their clothes, some of the food bill, my petrol, my mobile phone, my car insurance. Over the holidays and at weekends I take the children out and so pay for those things too. My parents often come with us at the weekend and end up paying for quite a lot of it.
Dh moans about money a lot. It makes it hard to ask him for any more because I know what his reaction will he. For example over lockdown we’ve spent about £500 a month on food - this has included things like alcohol for him and expensive coffee and wine - and he has gone mad about the expense. Luckily I don’t eat much.
If I need something - like a new coat or shoes etc I wait for Christmas / birthday or he might say I can have it if he’s with me at the time.
I feel like a child. I was hoping to get a job come September as my youngest will start preschool but how easy that will be I don’t know.

[Girliefriendlikespuppies]

You would be so much better off in every way without him.

I would get some good legal advice.

[OhioOhioOhio]

I had this. It was a hell divorcing him but worth it more than I can explain. Do you have a family who will help you get a lawyer?

[THisbackwithavengeance]

Bloody hell, what is he doing with that money if he's whinging about £500 per month food bill? We have been known to spend that with an income much, much less than your husband's.

I don't buy into the "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" attitude that some women on here have regarding their DH's salary and having been a FT working parent with a SAH husband before, I am acutely aware that it is irritating if you're out earning and your partner is sat on Amazon or ebay all day spunking your family money on crap. However your situation is shocking and your DH is being abusive.

Everyone has their own way of doing things but what about a joint account for all household spends including all bills and direct debits, petrol, car stuff, repairs, all expenditure on kids which you both have access to. You can both show receipts for this if he's that way inclined. Then both of you get a pre-agreed amount for personal spends (clothes etc) which you can spend as you please without referring to the other. The rest goes to savings/investments/major purchases. My (current) DH and I stick both our wages into one joint account and spend it as we want but refer anything big to each other before we buy. It's not the best way probably but works for us.

You need to talk to him. Tell him he's being abusive and unfair and suggest how you can manage things differently with a solution that is fair and acceptableto both. Mention that if you did divorce him, you will be entitled to at least half all assets, half his pension, plus child and spousal support given that he's a high earner.

Good luck.

[NellieandRufus]

He’s an abusive arsehole.

You’ll be financially and emotionally better off without him.

Netting almost 10k a month yet you can’t even get your haircut. He’s vile.

Divorce him.

[TERFWars]

It sounds like it might be FA - but I also think people are far too quick to judge and scream LTB.

The amount sounds stingy but whether it’s FA or not depends on his attitude and not necessarily the figures imo. You say little about what HE has said about this other than ‘he moans about money’. I know plenty of people who ‘moan’ about money but that doesn’t = financially abusive!

Have you spoken to him and what does he say? Have you mentioned how unfair it is that your allowance has to pay for the dc too?

If you approached him tomorrow and said you needed an equal allowance and dcs expenses to me met separately, what would he say?

1. ‘Bloody kids, so expensive (moan moan etc) but of course, will start from Monday’
   
2. ‘I don’t think so love, £500 a month is enough, you deal with it, NO’
   

1 is grumpy and stingy and 2 is financially abusive imo.

[Rocksandriches]

He would say he gives me enough and he’s not giving me anymore.
I’ve sold most things I own of any worth over the last few years.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Is he utterly clueless to the cost of activities and clothes for children or does he just not give a toss? Was he always tight / controlling?
Tbh you’d be better off divorced

[ukgift2016]

You would be financially so much better off if you divorced. On his wage you get a high amount of child AND spousal payments.

Time to start taking your power back.

[needsahouseboy]

Bloody hell leave and claim CMS as that will be way more than you are getting now.
What a crap existence for you.
I have no spare money but at least I’m not with someone preventing access to money that would benefit their own children’s life!

[Quartz2208]

Why do you stay financially you would be better off (I suspect you would get around 70% of the house) which you could use to buy your own and have some left over (I am imagining a large house)

You could work and get the benefits you deserve, a share of the savings plus maintenance from him at least at the rate you get it

And you would be free. As would your children

I would get legal advice ASAP

[Rocksandriches]

It also means my social life is curtailed massively - I can’t afford to go for a meal with friends. I can’t afford to go for a day somewhere - even if he’d have the children which he probably wouldn’t.

[Oxfordnono12]

Yes! He's horrid. I would have lost my shit a long time ago, and left. How are you even keeping it together? The fact that you are thinking its abuse have you thought of what you are going to do?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Not at all surprised to read that you have sold off some of your own possessions over the years to make ends meet. That is also what financially abused people do as well.

[GertrudeCB]

He is abusing you AND your children financially.
He would be one of those cunts whose DC cannot get a university maintenance loan because of his income but will refuse to help financially- he is a wankstain of a man.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is and will continue to ruin all aspects of your life here. This abusive example is also being modelled to your kids; do you want them growing up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women.

[noseresearch]

Unbelievably stingy man, you deserve better OP. I find it shocking someone like this could have redeeming qualities

Have you ever told him the DC need new clothes etc and that you don’t have enough money to cover it

[doodleygirl]

Why have you stayed?

[Elieza]

When you can’t get a haircut or even worse a dental appointment you know it’s financial abuse.

Get onto women’s aid. I don’t know how much info is on their website but I’d start there, with a view to phoning them.

You shouldn’t have to live a half life like you are. You only get one. This is it. You are being treated as an unpaid skivvy. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life struggling? You deserve better. And stop having sex, you’re risking another baby, which you can’t afford. And which that pig doesn’t deserve.

Oh and make sure you go for half the house and pension and holiday home etc when you divorce as you won’t get a full state pension in your old age if you’ve not paid your national insurance stamp. You may wish to start noting down the assets you know he has and getting any evidence of them in case he squirrels stuff away once he finds out what you’re up to, trying to ‘steal’ half his hard earned money while you sat about the house doing nothing and he was the Breadwinner....

Good luck OP. Start thinking of your new life.

[Skyliner001]

I am in a long-term serious relationship, no children, two dogs.. All of our money goes into a joint account, with the exception of a very small amount which would stay in her own personal accounts, just for spending etc. But I'm talking a really small amount, we are both high earners, and so could afford to keep back more in personal account but just wouldn't, our saving goals and our financial goals are together.

[rayn]

OP. Have you ever had the discussion with him that it is not enough/not normal?

What would you like to happen? A relationship is a partnership and you need to be able to discuss this. If you can't discuss this or he refuses to change the financial situation then you need to ask some deep questions to yourself if you can continue living like this.

[Skyliner001]

Posting that as when you are in the situation sometimes it's hard to understand what is normal. So that is my personal lived experience of a long-term relationship financially. I would second women's aid, You are certainly in a financial abuse situation.

[ButteryPuffin]

When he's out start looking around the house for evidence of his earnings and where they go. Bank statements etc. Then make your plan to leave. As you're married you'll get more out of a divorce settlement from him than you've ever got while there. But look for proof as he sounds like the type to hide his money away. He is severely financially abusive.

[Pebblexox]

I'm currently a sahm, and my husband gives me an 'allowance', however that's only for those months where he hasn't got much overtime in or whatever that I have enough money to ensure myself and dd can fuel up the car, go out for the day, buy our selfies treats etc. I also have full access to his bank account and credit card should I need it.

I'm sorry but yes it is financial abuse. Please seek legal advice, and consider leaving. If you wanted to stay and work things out please consider counselling.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

This is awful OP. Absolutely awful. And classic financial abuse. He has 700 pounds a month sspending money for fancy coffee and expensive clothes and the other 3 people in his family have 500 between them? The only thing he contributes towards for his children are shoes and he won't buy them clothes or a day out a a theme park or something? You have a high earner in the family and can't get a hair cut or go to the dentist. That is not right legally or morally. It's also disgusting that he wont pay for a share of childcare so that you can work. I think you need to see a solicitor.

[Mosseywossey]

If he is on 110k your entitlement for child maintenance would be 1200 pounds a month. Assuming he has them very little. That would be enough to rent somewhere and have a job that fit around your children