Is this financial abuse?

[Rocksandriches]

Hi
We have two children and I’m a sahm. I worked up until the youngest was born.
Dh js a high earned. His net last year was over £110k. We have no mortgage. I have no joint access to money. Of that £110k dh gave me £6,500 over the year in terms of an ‘allowance’ out of which came activities for the children, my clothes and their clothes, some of the food bill, my petrol, my mobile phone, my car insurance. Over the holidays and at weekends I take the children out and so pay for those things too. My parents often come with us at the weekend and end up paying for quite a lot of it.
Dh moans about money a lot. It makes it hard to ask him for any more because I know what his reaction will he. For example over lockdown we’ve spent about £500 a month on food - this has included things like alcohol for him and expensive coffee and wine - and he has gone mad about the expense. Luckily I don’t eat much.
If I need something - like a new coat or shoes etc I wait for Christmas / birthday or he might say I can have it if he’s with me at the time.
I feel like a child. I was hoping to get a job come September as my youngest will start preschool but how easy that will be I don’t know.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@ThisismeT well you'll have to do something you can't live your life like that waiting for the children to get older - it's damaging them too.

Obviously you'll have to pay for your childcare. He's not going to pay because he's an abuser and is controlling you. Unless you get a job at a school or nursery while will be terribly paid but will be school holiday friendly. Or do something part time while they are at school he doesn't know about and stash the money elsewhere.

Golf is an expensive sport. If he has that much money you need to find proof of it, and talk to a solicitor because unless he hides it he has to split it.

[ThisismeT]

@Vodkacranberryplease that’s the loop see.
If I try to look for job then he says- oh who will take care of our child at school hols etc.. if I want a weekend job- the same - who will look after her as he plays golf whole weekends.
And then he says I’m lazy sitting home doing nothing and he is only one who works. The place is filthy and dirty and it’s all my fault. ( it’s not- it’s clean but he has extreme OCD) so everything is dirty in his eyes.
We got no family around at all to childmind etc. And he would not pay for childminder etc. Ever.

[BubblyBluePebbles]

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

[BrightNewLife]

@Rocksandriches you could be describing my life a few years ago.

I had a business with my husband and he used to give me about £200 a month. Although I was paying out all the childcare, school meals, kids' clothes (3 kids) etc, I had to ask for every single item. I would be called at work by the kids' school that the canteen money hadn't been paid. I had to ask for money if I wanted to get my hair cut, and he would dole it out to me. Sometimes he would 'forget' and I would literally have to ring him from the salon and ask him to transfer the money over then and there.

It would happen when I was at the supermarket, that I would try my card, it would be declined because he hadn't put the shopping money in and he would then "put 50 quid on the card" so I could pay at the till. Mortifying.

It was hellish. I brought it up time and again; I was basically a 40-year old woman, working full time and without any financial spending power. He would argue that "I only had to ask" and he would give me the money, but obviously that wasn't the point. He would also just go out and replenish his wardrobe at any time. At the time I wasn't aware of what 'financial control' is, but this lasted for 14 years. My family saw it, but it was hard to explain, as he rationalised it, and said that it made sense he controlled the money because he paid the mortgage.

Needless to say, I left him, and although it has been challenging, I am 100% happier, new life, new place, new career - I couldn't have done it without my local Women's Aid who talked me through every step of the way.

PLEASE get out and go and enjoy the life and freedom you deserve.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Or even better LTB first get the settlement and then get a job.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Only one answer @ThisismeT. Get a job. A real one. Go in however you can (part time etc) and just work and be reliable and keen and you'll go up the ranks quickly. And you'll have money.

Maybe not at first because these arseholes make you use all your income on childcare but after a while you'll be out earning your childcare and that money will be yours. Then you LTB.

[ThisismeT]

Yes its true we are financially trapped as we are sahm.
I got nowhere to go, I got no money, only some debts I trying to pay off very slowly by selling my stuff.
I can not leave as would be homeless. I got no family in UK, only my DM who lives abroad.
We don't own house, only renting, so nothing in my name, no assets.DH earns just below 50k but the rent is high, plus he pays all the bills, car, car ,home insurances etc..
We only have one car but I don't drive it.
His mother says that I should give up all my bills like phone or dental insurance so i can give him the CHB money as that's apparently what she did when my DH was little and contributed to the marriage.
I got access to DH account so I can see he has no savings.

[loobylou10]

I've actually never said this on any thread but you should LTB. Like a previous poster said you will be better off and you're already doing it all anyway.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You are unhappy and that in itself is a good enough reason to leave.

He talking sexually to someone was a form of cheating and he certainly was not thinking of you or his family then when he was doing that. Would you actually want to teach your kids too that the only reason they should leave their spouse is if they get cheated on?. C'mon give yourself a head wobble here.

You may not see it as bad but that is also because he has conditioned you into thinking it is not (it is though) and otherwise thinking that no-one else would want you. You are trapped financially too and he uses money and or lack of access to it to control you. You likely have no idea what is in the bank account and he does not want you to know either. Such men do not share and do not change. And if you were to stay and they were at that time grown up, they could also come to despise you too (or certainly not want to see either of you very often) for being "weak" and or putting their abusive father before them.

[Quartz2208]

@MoominMama99 maybe start your own thread I think there is a lot of stuff in your relationship that isnt normal

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What you are describing there moominmama is the nice and nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. How much more of your life are you going to waste on a man who is unwilling and unable to change. Hope here of change is futile. This is who he really is; an abuser who is treating you with the utmost contempt and as the kids get older they will see more and more of what he is like towards both them and you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to treat their spouse or partner like you are?. No you would not but currently at least, you are showing them that this treatment of you is still acceptable to you.

[MoominMama99]

@GracieLouFreebushh I'm not sure why..its like I don't see it as that bad if that makes sense? I guess I think that it will get better? I think that if he had physically cheated that would be a good enough reason to leave? I know he's spent money in the past on a site where you talk sexually to someone.. it was a few years ago now, I found his bank statements so I confronted him.. blamed me for not wanting sex all the time.. he has a way of blaming me for everything.. anyway he promised he wouldn't do it anymore. I can't know for certain because he doesn't get paper bank statements now and I don't know the code to unlock his phone, besides he takes it everywhere, even to the toilet, sleeps with it under his pillow so I would never know for sure.. its difficult because sometimes he can be great, but mostly he's just closed off, I just put it down to having 3 kids is stressful and work and maybe when they've grown up things may be different?

[Mrskeats]

I can't believe women put up with this.
He must have hundreds of thousands saved.
Find out where that is. Get details and divorce him. What kind of an example are you setting for your children?
Dreadful man.

[overlooker]

This is awful. I think you should divorce him OP. You deserve better. See a solicitor. You should be able to get a free half hour appointment. It’s not ok to live like this. Imagine your life, he will have to do some childcare on his own if he wants to see the kids. You’ll get half of everything. You’ll be financially secure and able to claim child benefit

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@BubblyBluePebbles great links! I knew this was probably illegal or counting as DV but wasn't sure where you would access that etc.

Re sitting down and going over bills then issuing ultimatums - please don't. All that does is give him warning so he can hide money. You actually need to take copies of everything including pensions, bank accounts etc and get them along with your own important documents (passport etc) out of the house and somewhere safe before you do anything more.

He may well be spying on you too so be very careful. You also want as much proof of his financial abuse and information as you can before going much further.

[BubblyBluePebbles]

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/

[BubblyBluePebbles]

I agree with @Vodkacranberryplease
The time for sitting down and attempting to have a rational discussion is longggg gone! People who behave like this man are simply sick and there's no point in going back and forth with them trying to explain the basic costs of living these days whilst showing them receipts, bank statements, spreadsheets and/or having to explain the cost of a decent pair of children's shoes!
Make a plan and run for the hills!

There's a lot more domestic violence (DV) awareness and help out there at the moment due to Covid-19 lockdown. So leaving now is as a good time as any. I have experienced DV issues as a child/teenager and also work in this area. Please make plans to leave ASAP. If you cannot find the strength to leave for yourself, please do it for your children.
As many others have said, you'll be better off emotionally and definitely financially better off if you leave him and get a divorce. Even though your name is not on the deeds or mortgage, you are married and you have children together, that he is responsible for. And you all live in the marital home. You are entitled to receive at least half of the value of your home, child maintenance payments, etc.
And please, please, please register for Child Benefit and refuse the payments, so you can at least finally start incurring NI contributions towards your state pension.
Good luck ✨

This type of abuse falls under the umbrella of Domestic Violence. Please get help:

Dial 999, cough and tap the handset.

Dial 55 and leave the line open (mobile phones only)

Go to Boots the Chemist and ask for help. Since lockdown, staff have been trained to help assist.

outofthefog.website/

🌈

[Cornishclio]

Yes this is financial abuse because of the imbalance of power (he holds it all) and doling out an allowance is part of that. If he did not earn £110k net and you were a SAHM and you kept separate finances £550 as spending money would not seem so bad except you are having to pay for 2 childrens clothes and activities as well as your own expenses like car insurance and mobile. If he really does earn as large a salary as you say it is downright evil. How do you pay for food?

As others have said if he has £700 just for him then where is the rest of the money going. How do you know he earns £110k net each month? Have you seen evidence of that and if he is a director is he being paid by dividends rather than a salary? That is a dodge wealthy people use when being assessed for child support. Low salary on paper but really he receives dividends especially if it is his own company and he can manipulate his salary to say what he wants. Less tax paid too.

You do need to confront him regardless of how hard it is and tell him this is unacceptable. It does not sound like he is much of a father or husband as he does not help with the children or spend any time with any of you so don't waste your life like this. Say that it is unacceptable you do not have a shower which works and you have no access to money to get it fixed. It is unacceptable that you are not able to get clothes for you and the children when they are needed and that you have to ask for an allowance like a 1950s housewife. They are his children too so you will be getting a job and he will be paying for at least half of any childcare. Or you will be filing for divorce and he will have to pay child support and give you at least 50% of the house and 50% of his pension. How much the child support would be though would depend on his salary on paper so be aware if it is his own company he can manipulate that.

[BubblyBluePebbles]

@ThisismeT
And I realise that you are not the OP.

[BubblyBluePebbles]

@ThisismeT
I took note that you said you are not from the country (English is not your first language). I was wondering if you were a troll as I noticed changes in your grammar across your posts, not that your grammar is bad. Maybe you were rushing, distracted or tired when typing some of your posts.

If you are genuine, LTB (leave the bastard)!

[Vodkacranberryplease]

These men make out that you can't leave because you'd get nothing. And say things like 'no one else would want you' 'no man wants a woman with kids' 'you are completely useless and could never fend for yourself' ... and my personal favourite 'they will take your kids and I will get full custody because I will tell them you are insane and they will believe me because I am An Important Man.'

But they are lying to keep you under control. The courts have heard this shit before and they would never award custody on his say so. They also know this is a hallmark of abuse.

Assets have to be split and hiding them will get him in big trouble. If you are married with children then it's not 'his' house it's a marital asset.

And any single one of you would be better off on benefits.

[redcactus]

It is financial abuse and you don't sound happy. He sounds like a useless father and husband as he's never with you on days out etc anyway.

Do you have proof of his income and assets? Start making a plan to leave. You're married with young dc so he will have to contribute. You'll end up better off than without him though you may need to downsize if he won't let you stay in the house. At least you'll be independent and can start building a new life with your dc.

[GracieLouFreebushh]

@moominmama99 why do you stay? That's not meant to be rude I just wondered if the positives outweigh the negatives?

[GracieLouFreebushh]

@moominmama99 why do you stay? That's not meant to be rude I just wondered if the positives outweigh the negatives?