Is this financial abuse?

[Rocksandriches]

Hi
We have two children and I’m a sahm. I worked up until the youngest was born.
Dh js a high earned. His net last year was over £110k. We have no mortgage. I have no joint access to money. Of that £110k dh gave me £6,500 over the year in terms of an ‘allowance’ out of which came activities for the children, my clothes and their clothes, some of the food bill, my petrol, my mobile phone, my car insurance. Over the holidays and at weekends I take the children out and so pay for those things too. My parents often come with us at the weekend and end up paying for quite a lot of it.
Dh moans about money a lot. It makes it hard to ask him for any more because I know what his reaction will he. For example over lockdown we’ve spent about £500 a month on food - this has included things like alcohol for him and expensive coffee and wine - and he has gone mad about the expense. Luckily I don’t eat much.
If I need something - like a new coat or shoes etc I wait for Christmas / birthday or he might say I can have it if he’s with me at the time.
I feel like a child. I was hoping to get a job come September as my youngest will start preschool but how easy that will be I don’t know.

Hi @Rocksandriches, am I right in thinking that after giving you your pocket money, which is really what he's doing, and his expenses he has an excess income of £96k per annum? Knock off £6k for household bills and £10 k for holidays, he must be saving or investing £80k a year. Times that by the number of years you have been married and it's a pretty sizeable asset pot to which you are entitled, by law, to half, minimum. Also a share of the house and pension share. Only you can decide whether you want to continue in this situation which is incredibly abusive and controlling. But you do need to realise that. You seem to have been brainwashed by this man into believing you don't deserve any better. I totally get that, been there too. Are you able to get some counselling for yourself? Can your family help you out with the expense of it, to build up your self esteem and assertiveness to get out of this situation?

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😮 This says it all how he feels about you, sorry OP. He's had it too good for too long.

User43210 well said.

I think because he has no involvement for the day to day costs of children he doesn't see it. In his mind that money is what you spend on you, he cannot see that you spend it on the children. It is abusive though, he clearly doesn't go without.

But this is no excuse. I have full access to all money and have been a SAHM for over a decade. I remember buying school shoes for Ds1 and Dh asked how much they were (bearing in mind Ds has wide feet and was in adult sized shoes) I told him £58 he nearly had a heart attack, but the last time he came with us to buy school shoes, Ds1 was 4 and they were £20.

However, we sit down every year and have a "financial meeting" to look at where we have spent money, he knows how much the childrens' clothes cost and their shoes, their school lunches, their sports clubs etc so can see where it all goes.

You need to sit down and discuss this with your Dh. I cannot believe on the money he is on and no mortgage you have a shower that doesn't work, you haven't been to a dentist in years and only have hair cuts when you have vouchers. Wow. Just wow.

OP has not yet told us what she plans to do about this situation.
This has been what would be described in court as a long marriage, however it is a big worry that her name is not on the deeds.
It would clearly be a waste of time trying to talk to this man herself and pointless seeking legal advice until she knows more about what is going on with the finances.

This is so unfair - I bet he is poncing around in designer clothes with a statement watch and smelling of classy cologne while you and your children are wearing Primark bundles from eBay and shopping at £ stretcher.

I think it’s shocking that you can’t even afford to go to the dentist. I bet he goes private!

I’m curious what would happen if he passed away suddenly. Would you ever find the saved money he had obviously stashed away somewhere and would he leave the house and his pension to someone else, as he obviously doesn’t care much for the financial welfare of you and the children.

@rocksandriches have you had any thoughts about what you're going to do? How are you feeling?

This is shocking financial abuse. I'm sad to say this might be the worst example I've ever read on here (and I've read a lot). I'm so sorry that he is treating you and your children in such an appalling way.

I've been in your shoes, although my ex husband did not earn as much as yours. I remember feeling really confused about our financial situation and the lightbulb moment when I realised what he was doing to me was abuse. I went from having a great career to having holes in my clothes, I never had a haircut, rarely went to the dentist and was even made to feel guilty for picking up my prescribed medication because of the prescription charge. He used to monitor the gas/electric meter to check whether I'd had the heating on (or used too much electric) during the day. He knew the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

It was a miserable way to live and my life is so much better now.

Have you spoken to anyone in real life about this? Is he controlling in other ways?

Oh dear this is awful op. I would get a plumber out tomorrow to fix that shower and demand he pay that bill. He is a disgrace.

I have read worse examples (the guy who worked away but kept his wife and kids on a ridiculous budget, dictated where she shopped, with a card he dictated, and wanted to see receipts), but this is a close run thing.

OP, I haven't much to add than has already been said.

You are undoubtedly in a controlled relationship. 100 percent.

He gets some sort of perverse pleasure from this.

It strokes his ego to have you having to ask for money.

Leaving you short, while he is free to spend what he wants.

That's not love.

Never mind an equal relationship, it doesn't even come close to a loving one:

I would be seeing a solicitor tomorrow.

So if you devorced him, you would would likely at least get half of hundreds of thousands he will have squirreled away by being so tight over the years, also at least half the value of the house and maintenance for your kids, plus spousal maintenance. Good news, see a solicitor, get it sorted, then your life will be great. But don't tell him till the last minute what you are up to, because he will not want a divorce as he will know how much he can lose, he will make life even harder when he finds out. Gather as much info as you can, see a solicitor, and then will inform you just how much you are entitled to, loads more than Han you are getting now. Just be savvy, don't let on till you need to, you are going to need devorce law to force him to part with his load, as he's that abusive it's off the scale so he obviously will not listen to reason.

OP, I am really shocked to read this.

Shower not fixed (5 years?!), no dentist for 10 - however bad this is for you, this is a dreadful legacy to bring up your children with. They will grow up thinking this is the norm. (And of course you know, the state of someone's hygiene and teeth is evident on meeting for the first time, it says a lot).

I am disgusted that he allows your parents to pay for days out. I presume they are pensioners..... while he brings home a pay packet that most people can only dream of.

Someone upthread said her mum told her never to rely on a man.
Right she is!
I had that lesson at the age of 8 or 9 when I overheard my mum telling my dad she wanted to visit her parents (in a different country). My dad told her to wait for the summer when it was already organised.
My mum said "Well, I have my own money you know, so I can go if I want to".
Thanks mum for that invaluable lesson. I've never been financially dependent on a man. (And I'm 65...).

OP, please go for some counselling for yourself, even if just online to learn how to become more self-assertive. Hopefully other posters can point the way to good websites.

@Rocksandriches
This really is all sorts of wrong. I echo that you're being financially abused and also urge you to contact Women's Aid to see your options and what help you could get to separate with a view to divorce.

Until you manage to speak to WA please do some research online. Go online to the CMS Calculator and enter your husband's salary and other requested details to see what he'd have to pay you in Child Maintenance on divorce, at least.

As far as affording the solicitor could you have a very private and confidential word with your parents and tell them what your full, true situation is? You may need their help for support IRL and also for Solicitors's fees initially.

Please keep your arrangements and your conversations with your parents secret until you are in a position to move. Ensure your parents also know the need for discretion.

Please don't worry too much about the house repairs unless there is danger involved. You don't have the money to sort those out. Any loan you get from your parents should be for getting away from your husband.

He would say he gives me enough and he’s not giving me anymore.
I’ve sold most things I own of any worth over the last few years.
This is no way to live.

My DH is very similar. He does not earn that much- 49k
But He pays all rent ( £1200) all bills, food. I’m SAHM- as he would not pay for child to go after school clubs or childminder, plus who would look after her on weekends when he is golfing.

I get only ChB to use on my bills, like phone, dental insurance. The rest I use to buy essential like my child clothes.
I, also selling my own stuff so I can buy bits I would not normally buy.
He plays golf nonstop, have the latest gear, expensive car, brand clothes from Ralph Lauren.
I always just shop in Primark or H&M.
My hair gets done when I have some birthday or Mother’s Day or Xmas.
He occasionally lends me money but I have to return it.I’m talking about little like £20.
He calls me high maintaince.
Yesterday he screamed at me at coop as I wanted to buy All sorts liquorice for £1. As per him ,,I don’t need it.
He bough it but the whole evening he let me well know that he bought me sweets for £1 and I never appreciate what he does for me.
We never go out or holidays, ever.
He never had a girlfriend before so I suppose he does not know how to treat a women. If he thinks I’m high maintained with Primark clothes and hair done 3 per year.. oh well.

Sadly I’m not from this country,,I got no one here so if I leave him I would have to leave Britain. No family here and he knows that so hence maybe that’s why is like that.

CMS shows that if you were to separate he would have to pay over £1000 for his DC.
Please get out.
Speak to a solicitor.
Find out that will take payment on settlement.
You are entitled to a minimum of 50% of the house any other assets.
Pensions, savings, cars, all assets.

You will be so much better off without him.
Please make your plan to leave and live a happy abuse free life.
You and your DC deserve at least that OP!
Make it happen.

ThisismeT This very sad as well and not on. Just because you are not from this country doesn't mean you don't have to leave him. Do you you have any friends or is there a support network of people from the country you come from? These men that are tight fisted always seem to have the best gear for themselves, with hindsight my dad was the same whilst my mother shopped in charity shops and got hand me downs. Nothing wrong with that and I do it myself but my husband would never tell me I couldn't get anything.

@Rocksandriches - why do you stay? From what you've said this sounds like hell. You only get one life - why be so unhappy?

And your children will grow up thinking this is a normal family dynamic (dad 'in charge', mum too afraid to even go to the dentist - which is vital to get checks for things like oral cancer, not just for your teeth) which is heartbreaking.

I know it's a harsh question, but - why live like this? Please don't say he's a 'wonderful dad' and the 'children adore him' because the first is rubbish (what 'wonderful dad' treats his children's mother like this?) and 'adoring' is subjective depending on context.

You - and they - deserve better than this, OP. Please start getting your ducks in a row. I've never ever said 'LTB' to anyone before - but I can't see how you've got any other choice if you're to live a decent life and (more importantly) model what you'd like your children to grow up into.

Sending you strength and courage.

This thread has been haunting me. There has to be something sadistic about a person with this much income keeping their partner and kids below the poverty line. I imagine he enjoys keeping you in check and stopping you making your own choices. Making you suffer.

Time to pull your big-girl pants on I'm afraid. Would you be able to have a calm rational conversation about access to money? If not, and if nothing changes, than thankfully, in this country, the law will treat you much for fairly than he does.

@TotalEclipseOfTheHeartAndSoul yes I suppose so. His dad it’s the very same. I think he got it from his family as he was brought up like that.
As I said he never had a girlfriend before he met me so he definitely don’t know how to treat a lady.
I don’t do any excuses for him as it feels rude to me.
I must add most of my ex boyfriends were similar, never spent a single penny on me, asked me to pay them?
One boyfriend gave me a packet of Walkers crisps as a gift!
I never forget the cheek of my ex boyfriend who was also cheating on me- I treated myself with DKNY watch when I passed an important exams.
He told me- oh maybe you can buy me same watch? I like them ( we were together like 2 months.
I sincerely envy all of you who have lovely partners and husbands who happily share all their wages with you and family.
Sadly I attract the very opposite types.

@PrayingandHoping
My bad as the OP did not say that she had tried to talk to him previously. I guess I just read between the lines and assumed that she must have done as most people would not live like this without ever not speaking up for 15 years.
But, the OP then stated that she had asked for more money 12 months ago and got a £50 increase per month!

I do think you are being unrealistic by urging the OP to try to talk to her H based on the information she has provided.

@Rocksandriches - Are you for real/a troll? As you've had loads of excellent advice and many posters have asked you what you would like to do and you haven't responded to questions such as these.

@ThisismeT - you definitely sound like a troll. What happened to your grammar between your first and last post!?
And the thread has surprisingly gone quiet since you posted your suspect last message.

Whether or not some sad people may or may not be trolling on this thread, it's still all good. The penny will have dropped for many. They will gain strength and will hopefully begin to get themselves out of a bad situation by reading threads such as these.

It is outrageous your shower does not work and you have no money for a repair yet he spends £700 or more on himself and his golf hobby. I simply would not stand for it. This is financial abuse of the worst kind. I would be plotting my escape. You will get half of house if you are married and he will have to pay you a decent amount of child maintenance. Don't put up with it. LTB.

This is disgusting. Let me explain something to the people who don't quite get it.

A person working full time as a child minder and housekeeper makes more than £550 a month. Much more. Even if they are live in they are not paying for food etc.

You've sold everything you own? You don't buy shoes or clothing or get your hair cut and he goes on holidays? And you are not on the deeds to the house or mortgage?

He doesn't love you. God he doesn't even like you. You are simply a drudge to do his housework and he will pay you enough so that you don't actually stop doing it, and no more. You are essentially a slave.

You are going to have to start lying and taking matters into your own hands. His shirts and shoes need to vanish and be sold. Child credit needs to be claimed. You need to stop feeding him. Give him the nastiest cheap beans on toast you can find.

Is this financial abuse? No. It's just abuse. Really really bad abuse.