Advice to all young women

[Kittytheteapot]

It doesn't matter how much you love him. It doesn't matter how lovely he is, how helpful, how understanding, how much of a feminist he is. It doesn't matter how equal you are. It doesn't matter if you would move heaven and earth to be with him.

Always maintain a degree of independence. Have some money that is yours and yours alone. Maintain friendships and interests that are nothing to do with him. Hold on to your career through thick and thin. If you have a burning desire to be a SAHM or if childcare costs would eat up your entire earnings and therefore you feel being a SAHM is the only option open to you, know this: holding on to your career is still more important. Go part time if you want to spend more time with your child, let childcare costs eat up your earnings. It is better to keep one foot in the door than to let it shut behind you. Keep being you, even if you think you are happy and fulfilled as a mommy.

Because you never know. One day in the far distant future, that lovely man you fell head over heels for might just turn out to not be the Prince you think he is. And if that day comes, you don't want to have spent the last 30 years dependent on him for everything. You don't want to be without a career or any means of getting one. You don't want to have nowhere to go. You don't want to be floundering about trying to remember who you were when you were young and independent with friends and opportunities.

That's all. I expect people will heap scorn on me. I can only point out this isn't AIBU. I just wish someone had given me this advice 30 years ago and I had been sensible enough to listen and act on such advice.

💯

I think every girl should be taught that in school. Men do not necessarily need to turn bad, they could get ill or die, having a single income at home, no matter how high, puts the non earner in a very vulnerable position.

I expect people will heap scorn on me.

Why would anyone heap scorn on you when you've essentially pointed out that it's not a good idea to be economically dependent on someone who may not always be in your life?

You are so so right. I had a child young and did everything to finish my degree and build a career. 20 years on the marriage died and I am so glad I put myself through the extra work and pressure. I am me. I have my own friends, own money. It keeps me sane.

I would add, don't rush to move in with a man, you can still have a relationship and not live with them. I say early on in the relationship, "we will not be even talking about living together for at least 5 years" this weeds out the users and cocklodgers. If they like you for you they will stay.

So true I became a mum soo young and then had another child. I had no job, didn’t go to college only got my GCSEs because he said I should stay home and it will save us money. He cheated on me and emotionally abused me and I left with nothing except for a bag of clothes and 2 children. I’ve had to completely start my life all over again and my confidence has gone to nothing tbh I’m working thru mental health issues bcuz of everything and I just wish I went to college after my son was born and carried on trying to get a career. If I ever have a relationship again I will keep my friends and my life and my money. I wish I had read this when I was 15

Completely agree. Love my DH dearly, been together since teenagers, love our children more than words, but refuse to be financially dependent on someone.

👏 Absolutely spot on OP.

If you are planning on having children, get married first.
Being engaged means naff all unless you have set a date, it just means you probably have an overpriced piece of jewellery.

If you don't love each other to commit forever, don't commit yourself to him for the next 18 years.

@Prayerwheel

I expect people will heap scorn on me.

Why would anyone heap scorn on you when you've essentially pointed out that it's not a good idea to be economically dependent on someone who may not always be in your life?

I meant more because I have been a fool and have not lived my life in the way I describe. I have always been a bit behind the times, but I feel more up to date right now than I ever have before.

I wish I could send your advice back to myself circa 1999.

Girls reading this: please don't think you can avoid difficult situations by choosing a man who seems lovely. There are so many things that could happen that mean you need to be self-sufficient. And please never ever think you're less important than any man. Ever. Did I mention ever?

If you get a 'spidey senses' feeling, trust it.

If you think "Hmm! Not sure I like that", it's your senses telling you he's a wrong un.

@xmummy2princesx I hope you can turn things around. Dont take this the wrong way, but you sound as though you are still young enough to do things differently. You go girl!

My DF died when I was a child, my mum was a sahm, she really struggled. She used to pick up every penny she found. She didn’t get a career again until I was a teenager.

Unfortunately, the people who need to pay attention to this will not because they will have their head in the sand or the clouds. Because it will never happen to them.

My sister is dying at age 37 and her husband is facing raising 7YO DN on his own. You never know what is around the corner.

Yep yep yep!!

I learned all this too late!

if childcare costs would eat up your entire earning s

Childcare costs should not be eating up.any mother's entire earnings - because childcare costs are not only a mother's responsibility, they are both parents' responsibility and the young woman in this scenario should have a proportional split of costs for childcare according to each partner's income.

If only one person reads this and does something differently, I would be pleased. I was naive. I thought love would last forever. I thought a man who respected me and loved me would always do so. I thought I knew my own feelings. Maybe I did. But I didnt realise that the most determined of people can still change their mind at a later date.

It's funny this post would get a very different response on netmums.

Mumsnet is definitely my place.

I agree with every word of this, so thanks OP.

My tuppence worth : Never, ever become financially dependent on anyone. Ever. Do not see men in terms of their resources, and what those resources could buy for you and your children. Earn your own money. Pay your own way, from the very first date (so many women still have double standards about this). Be your own person. Decent men will respect you for this.

I agree. I did keep my career but I went part time with kids and although my salary didn’t cover childcare costs when it was split 50:50 with my husband it was worth while. It also meant I kept my pension. When my DH had an affair completely out of the blue and left me I have been able to buy him out of the house and increase my hours to nearly full time. My solicitor told me that I couldn’t expect any spousal maintenance as I was young enough to get out and work full time. My children are now young teens. Best decision I ever made was to have my own savings, my own pension and a salary.

It's funny this post would get a very different response on netmums.

What kind of response would it get there? (Have never ventured over.)

@Kittytheteapot thank u I deffo have the chance to turn it around, I’m going to get my mental health sorted and get back into work and build a better life for me and my kids than any man could.

Childcare costs for more than one child will often eat up more than an individual's entire income.

This means that one partner (usually the lower earner, usually the woman) will make a "choice" between taking a career hit or family poverty. It's a risk where one thing could go wrong and choosing th other thing where they know it will go wrong.

It's a privilege that the majority of earners just don't have.

Making it seem like a real choice is cruel and just puts more shame on the woman when it goes wrong.