Advice to all young women

[Kittytheteapot]

It doesn't matter how much you love him. It doesn't matter how lovely he is, how helpful, how understanding, how much of a feminist he is. It doesn't matter how equal you are. It doesn't matter if you would move heaven and earth to be with him.

Always maintain a degree of independence. Have some money that is yours and yours alone. Maintain friendships and interests that are nothing to do with him. Hold on to your career through thick and thin. If you have a burning desire to be a SAHM or if childcare costs would eat up your entire earnings and therefore you feel being a SAHM is the only option open to you, know this: holding on to your career is still more important. Go part time if you want to spend more time with your child, let childcare costs eat up your earnings. It is better to keep one foot in the door than to let it shut behind you. Keep being you, even if you think you are happy and fulfilled as a mommy.

Because you never know. One day in the far distant future, that lovely man you fell head over heels for might just turn out to not be the Prince you think he is. And if that day comes, you don't want to have spent the last 30 years dependent on him for everything. You don't want to be without a career or any means of getting one. You don't want to have nowhere to go. You don't want to be floundering about trying to remember who you were when you were young and independent with friends and opportunities.

That's all. I expect people will heap scorn on me. I can only point out this isn't AIBU. I just wish someone had given me this advice 30 years ago and I had been sensible enough to listen and act on such advice.

^^
We have a DD. I should have mentioned in my OP that he wants me at home with our 4 year old full time to teach her, to keep the house clean and his belly fed. Hopefully when I get my degree next year I'll be putting myself in a better position financially.

Rarely can a working class woman get a career and move up to middle class. That’s why most working class women have their children younger. They have nothing to lose and would rather be a young mum on benefits than wait and risk being infertile but unable to pay for IVF etc. They can’t fall behind on the career ladder because there is no career ladder
Is that right? All the working class women I have ever known have worked damn hard, and have never been on benefits. And you do realise that working class women are allowed into university, and into training schemes now? Some of the most senior women where I work are working class 40/50 something with grown children and very nice salaries!

I was working class when I went to university. First person in my family to go to uni. I now have a career and children. Ok later than I would have chosen to but then I hadn’t met a man that I wanted to have kids with. Class has little to do with it.

My mother and my dad were working class kids who stayed in education. He is a retired lawyer, she is a retired headteacher. My mother sacrificed progress in her career to support my dad’s (lots of moves around the country) but she never stopped working, as much as she supports my dad, she has never become fully dependent on him financially at all.

I’m a working class woman with four degrees. My parents left school at 12 and no one in my family had ever completed secondary school, let alone gone on to some form of third-level education. They still let me in. Your social class does not preclude you from an education and a professional career.

Haven’t read the whole thread but would add:

Be fully involved in household finances & know where his, your and joint resources are held
Be fully involved in the practical stuff around the house - Insurances, boiler, DIY, plumbing etc so that you can confidently run your house/a new house alone.

Those were the two areas I let slip, along with friendships. I held on to the job, which half killed me during the marriage but was the saving grace when we split. Those two things added massive stress to a really hard situation when we parted (abuse).

@ Shinebright72 unfortunately even in this era, a woman is far more protected financially if they are married with kids because if the relationship ends and they are not married, the man does not legally have to share assets etc.

Yes, my husband sustained a brain injury two years ago and hasn't been able to work since. Thank god I maintained my career or we'd be totally screwed. I get very anxious when I see women I know happily wave away their independence and earning potential because staying at home with their babies makes them feel all fluffy inside, without establishing any protection for themselves. So so many things can go wrong.

Justascratch I am really sorry that happened to you and I hope that you are coping.

My Dad died when I was v young and my Mum always encouraged us to be independent. However I wouldn’t go as far as saying you shouldn’t be a SAHP for as long as you wanted to - just make sure that you have contingency plans in place - you would need these even if you were both working.

For me I have seen work give women a friendship / professional network / self esteem / fulfilment / another identity / a sense of purpose / an anchor when marriages or family life goes tits up - more than just cash - if they work in a respectful environment.

You should always have options. It is also v empowering to know that financially you can walk away and support yourself and your DCs independently at any point. This emphases that you are in the RS because you choose to be.

"Do not get involved with a man who already has children."

It wouldn't be my preference, but if you're single after a certain age you can't really veto anyone with any kind of baggage or you'd be left with no options.

Someone did give me that advice and I did follow it.

I believe one of the reasons my marriage is strong is because of it. Independent friends, independent activities and a source of income helps with the boundaries.

"Do not get involved with a man who already has children."

Personally, having a child myself, I preferred a new partner with kids so he could understand my situation better.

I think we need to be careful not to become what we criticise. In a well balanced and healthy relationship there is the trust to share resources fairly, saying a woman should not marry if she has more money than him is as bad as men saying the same of women who earn less than them.

Having witnessed my parents' divorce as a child, I would never ever purposefully put myself in a position which meant I had no way out of a relationship. Ever.

You are SO, SO right. I have 3 daughters and will raise them with similar advice.

Nailed it, OP. I'm linking this to my DD, and I read your OP to my 20+ year DP. She says she wished she'd had that advice 25 years ago.

@Kittytheteapot

It doesn't matter how much you love him. It doesn't matter how lovely he is, how helpful, how understanding, how much of a feminist he is. It doesn't matter how equal you are. It doesn't matter if you would move heaven and earth to be with him.

Always maintain a degree of independence. Have some money that is yours and yours alone. Maintain friendships and interests that are nothing to do with him. Hold on to your career through thick and thin. If you have a burning desire to be a SAHM or if childcare costs would eat up your entire earnings and therefore you feel being a SAHM is the only option open to you, know this: holding on to your career is still more important. Go part time if you want to spend more time with your child, let childcare costs eat up your earnings. It is better to keep one foot in the door than to let it shut behind you. Keep being you, even if you think you are happy and fulfilled as a mommy.

Because you never know. One day in the far distant future, that lovely man you fell head over heels for might just turn out to not be the Prince you think he is. And if that day comes, you don't want to have spent the last 30 years dependent on him for everything. You don't want to be without a career or any means of getting one. You don't want to have nowhere to go. You don't want to be floundering about trying to remember who you were when you were young and independent with friends and opportunities.

That's all. I expect people will heap scorn on me. I can only point out this isn't AIBU. I just wish someone had given me this advice 30 years ago and I had been sensible enough to listen and act on such advice.

Amazing. thank you. xx

Thanks for your post OP. I am realising DP is not prince charming and am glad I kept my job and have a little spare cash and have my own car. I have a young DD so can't leave, but glad I have Dr independence..and maybe one day I will.

@SBLL why do you think you can't leave. 100x easier when they are small. Honestly speaking from experience.

I just don't have the money. I work part te and have a lot to pay for. I've thought of every scenario. My parents gave me a lot of money for the house and have literally begged me to stay there. I have nowhere else to go. He won't leave as he has told me and at the moment I can't afford to rent a place of my own. But starting to save up.

@SBLL do you parents know the truth of your situation? Do you own or rent? Are you married?