Advice to all young women

[Kittytheteapot]

It doesn't matter how much you love him. It doesn't matter how lovely he is, how helpful, how understanding, how much of a feminist he is. It doesn't matter how equal you are. It doesn't matter if you would move heaven and earth to be with him.

Always maintain a degree of independence. Have some money that is yours and yours alone. Maintain friendships and interests that are nothing to do with him. Hold on to your career through thick and thin. If you have a burning desire to be a SAHM or if childcare costs would eat up your entire earnings and therefore you feel being a SAHM is the only option open to you, know this: holding on to your career is still more important. Go part time if you want to spend more time with your child, let childcare costs eat up your earnings. It is better to keep one foot in the door than to let it shut behind you. Keep being you, even if you think you are happy and fulfilled as a mommy.

Because you never know. One day in the far distant future, that lovely man you fell head over heels for might just turn out to not be the Prince you think he is. And if that day comes, you don't want to have spent the last 30 years dependent on him for everything. You don't want to be without a career or any means of getting one. You don't want to have nowhere to go. You don't want to be floundering about trying to remember who you were when you were young and independent with friends and opportunities.

That's all. I expect people will heap scorn on me. I can only point out this isn't AIBU. I just wish someone had given me this advice 30 years ago and I had been sensible enough to listen and act on such advice.

@jimmyjammy001

If your having kids then you should really be married, a decent amount of equity in your house and a secure stable career built up, otherwise likely hood is you will have to rely on a your other half to provide and if he walks out you will be on your own financially, protect yourself with those very basic simple steps.

Nonsense what era are you living in? Many women who have had a career have given it up to look after the children or support their husbands to build their career. Divorces are often messy too. Or do you not read that on here? Sometimes it’s just a matter of your luck!!

Absolutely 💯 agree! I’m in a very vulnerable position. I had no idea about this stuff when I became a SAHP, I was consumed with being Mum. I’m not sure I would have listened though!

Great post op.

I completely agree Kittytheteapot

My father who you couldn't possibly frame as a feminist always drilled into me that I should always be able to stand on my own two feet (and to pay into a pension as soon as I start earning). Not sure where that insistence came from, my mother worked as much as my father did so not even a one sided "bitter" story of being the bread winner.

It made my reluctant to marry because I didn't want to sacrifice half of my hard work for someone else to be able to lean on take off me in the future but I'm so glad he did.

Because of his advice, when my husband (who had to wait several years before I agreed to marry) was fighting for his life in ICU the last thing on my mind was how would I manage to look after our daughters. Don't get me wrong, we would have had to change things but being homeless and without funds wasn't something to be concerned about. It meant I could focus on supporting my husband and helping him recuperate.

10 years on, he's still thankfully with us annoying us daily in his charming way but thanks to my father's advice our lives didn't financially disintegrate when my husband's ability to do his job disappeared overnight and my husband can now work part time hours in line with what he can manage. We're far from well off, but we can pay our bills, be fed and live in a nice area with good access to schools.

Having independence/a back up plan isn't just about trusting that someone will always treat you well and have your best interests at heart, surely anyone embarking on a relationship should have those hopes. It's about acknowledging that life can be cruel and is utterly unpredictable. Having the resources to take care of your family if one of you is taken ill/dies is a basic as far as I'm concerned and will be drilling that message into both our daughters. If that advice saves financial hardship because the person they fall in love with is an arsehole so much the better.

Sound advice... I'm lucky that my ex is generously financially supportive of his children or we'd be in a right mess... I have no career to speak of after years of following him internationally and being a SAHM.... luckily have found a job in a school and love it, but wouldn't be enough to support us... if I'd kept a foot in the door of my old career I'd likely be on a substantial wage by now...

@DisobedientHamster We were due to get married this month, but Covid! So it's been postponed until next summer.

Do not get involved with a man who already has children. You DON’T know what you’re getting into and whenever you ask for support because the mother of your step child is making your life difficult everyone will just tell you you’re an evil step mother or “you knew what you were getting into” believe me. It’s a complicated path. Keep your life simple!

@blueglassandfreesias

Do not get involved with a man who already has children. You DON’T know what you’re getting into and whenever you ask for support because the mother of your step child is making your life difficult everyone will just tell you you’re an evil step mother or “you knew what you were getting into” believe me. It’s a complicated path. Keep your life simple!

I agree. SO many of these men are just looking for someone to do all the donkey work. There's usually a good reason why their ex had enough and split with them. If you don't believe me, read the step parenting and relationship threads.

[quote Elmo311]@DisobedientHamster We were due to get married this month, but Covid! So it's been postponed until next summer. [/quote]
Marriages are now allowed to take place. Weddings are pointless when you're in such a vulnerable position.

The reason I went back to work after 3 children.

I said to my friends at the time, when looking for a job, that I'd need one when DH fucked his secretary in 20 years...I was half kidding, but I'm a lawyer and see it ALL the time.

I will not be one of those poor women looking for a job at 60.

Yep. Men who want women to make the household functional to host their offspring but refuse to put boundaries in place with children or their ex’s behaviour, meaning that the girlfriend ends up resentful and archetyped as wicked step mother. Stupidest pitfall I’ver ever fallen in and shall be warning my DD heartily about all things ‘step’.

Er, what about women that already have children? Would you advise that to men too?? Keep it simple, don't be a step dad?

Yes but I’m talking about what I’m going to tell my DD!

I read most of the thread and whole heartedly agree.

But you know young men and boys need to get that message too.

Men and women come out of divorce shocked at what it cost them and what it means for their future. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to either of them. And knowing the cost of their decisions when they are made means children don’t need to live through two parents arguing like rats in sack when they split. Bring on the post nuptial agreement.

@Aerial2020 - I think it’s a fair point for a man too. His life will certainly be easier if he does not have to step parent.

@Aerial2020

Er, what about women that already have children? Would you advise that to men too?? Keep it simple, don't be a step dad?

Yes, I sure would.

Everyone needs to know this!!!!
I can't express how true this is!!

I really think that's a sweeping statement. Each family is different.

This is just one of her songs that got me through all the post relationship shit.

She has many more and they are not always great to here but they feel like the truth.

@Aerial2020

I really think that's a sweeping statement. Each family is different.

It's far simpler when there's no 'family' at all, just you and the other person. Total dealbreaker for me, I ran a mile from any man who had kids when I was childfree and have long advised the same to both mine. Life is hard enough.

So glad I've read this.

My partner keeps telling me that I should stay home. He insists that he will support me, but i don't want to risk a life of poverty and no friends like my mother did.

The way I think of it is that I want to be together because we enhanced each other's lives, and not because we just can't afford not to be.

Yes.

Also- if you can, take turns to be part time/ full time. We did it this way. Both of us are a bit " behind" compared to our peers, but our earning power is more equal.

It seemed fairer to us that both made sacrifices.

I remember the film ' Heat' and there was a line in it that I tell my children , now that their abusive Dad walked into another woman's knickers ... Never get yourself into a situation that you can't walk out of in one minute flat ... poetic license here but thankfully I maintained my financial and personal independence to ensure that I can now look after them in every way while they have been all but forgotten about. I Owe it all to my mother . During covid, each day, I thought of all those women trapped in abusive situations who had nowhere to go even when they genuinely wanted to and were prepared to leave , when so many experiences escalated abuse , but who were stuck due to lack of finances and social independence .

Totally agree op, and it’s what I tell every young woman too including DD.

I have never been reliant on a man as a result and never will be. I’ve only gone PT now at 54 because we have no mortgage and I have a good pension banked and could go back full time anytime I wanted to.

@lemmathelemmin

So glad I've read this.

My partner keeps telling me that I should stay home. He insists that he will support me, but i don't want to risk a life of poverty and no friends like my mother did.

I'll bet he does! Gets to carry on earning and feathering his pension with no effect on his life at all and if you're not married, he can walk off with it all intact and leave you in poverty. If you're not pregnant and don't have kids yet, I wouldn't with him.