Advice to all young women

[Kittytheteapot]

It doesn't matter how much you love him. It doesn't matter how lovely he is, how helpful, how understanding, how much of a feminist he is. It doesn't matter how equal you are. It doesn't matter if you would move heaven and earth to be with him.

Always maintain a degree of independence. Have some money that is yours and yours alone. Maintain friendships and interests that are nothing to do with him. Hold on to your career through thick and thin. If you have a burning desire to be a SAHM or if childcare costs would eat up your entire earnings and therefore you feel being a SAHM is the only option open to you, know this: holding on to your career is still more important. Go part time if you want to spend more time with your child, let childcare costs eat up your earnings. It is better to keep one foot in the door than to let it shut behind you. Keep being you, even if you think you are happy and fulfilled as a mommy.

Because you never know. One day in the far distant future, that lovely man you fell head over heels for might just turn out to not be the Prince you think he is. And if that day comes, you don't want to have spent the last 30 years dependent on him for everything. You don't want to be without a career or any means of getting one. You don't want to have nowhere to go. You don't want to be floundering about trying to remember who you were when you were young and independent with friends and opportunities.

That's all. I expect people will heap scorn on me. I can only point out this isn't AIBU. I just wish someone had given me this advice 30 years ago and I had been sensible enough to listen and act on such advice.

Really good advice. Wish I had been told this growing up. I had family members say “You’ll struggle financially on your own” and “you need to find yourself a fella because it’s hard otherwise, financially” Would a man ever be told to find himself a girlfriend because it helps financially???? I also had a friend who said “well you won’t have as nice a house as us we’ve got cos your on your own. And you won’t have nice things like I’ve got cos your on your own and will just have to have what you can afford” I seem to be surrounded by really sexist people who think feminism never happened, maybe it’s the area I live in.

Very insightful. Maintaining friendships is a must!! Men come and go (possibly husbands too). Also interests it’s so important.

It’s so easy to get lost and at the time you believe you will be with that person forever.

Men do not necessarily need to turn bad, they could get ill or die

Get the best life insurance you can, even if it means you don't have any luxuries.

Get married if you have children.

Put both of your names on the mortgage if you have one.

But this is what I will be telling my DC: don't live so that, if necessary, one of you couldn't keep a roof over your heads. I'll probably be shot down in flames for that. But it means my DSs will encourage their partners to keep a foot in with their chosen career.

Absolutely agree. My beloved DH died suddenly in his thirties, leaving me with a baby and a toddler. Fortunately I was a hospital doctor, and able to increase my part time hours to full time, so we could manage financially. I still grieve him now, nearly 29 years later - he was the love of my life. You might be certain that your soulmate would never leave you for another woman, but you cannot predict sudden death.
I’d advise all young women not to have children until married, and to have adequate life assurance, pension contributions and mortgage cover. And to make sure they are named on all financial assets as co-owners.

Re childcare costs, I know there was a time when I looked into returning to the professional career I had pre children and the cost of childcare would have been equal to or in excess of what I could earn. At that point, I made the decision to give up the career totally. I would give anything to go back to that moment and choose instead to effectively pay to work. It would only have been for a year or two. This isnt very feminist of me, but I am pretty sure my parents would have helped a bit financially if I had asked them to. Then, once the childcare costs came down, I could have started to reap the benefits. I would be in a very different position now if I had done so.

Getting married isn't a great idea for everyone. If a woman owns assets and works full or part time she is probably better off not marrying. In many cases though marriage is a good idea.

There is some good advise here. I'd never say 'never' be dependant on someone else as I think there are many women who really enjoy being able to spend the extra time at home. Certainly always plan financially.

The most important thing of all I'd say would be to not even consider having children outside of marriage, after all, that's what it's for. I think it's beginning to come full circle now as women are realising that sex and children are best kept for comitted relationships.

100%

It pains me to see so many women on here posting to say “I had a career but then had to give it up when children came along so DH could focus on his”.

Always remember, just because he wasn’t an utter bastard when you married him, doesn’t mean he won’t be when you’re divorcing him.

I agree 100%, this advice I have given to my 2 daughters, one is a trainee barrister, the other pursuing a career in child Psychology. I am at 52 back at college studying accounts. I wish I had been given this advice in school.

Well said, OP.

I would give anything to go back to that moment and choose instead to effectively pay to work. It would only have been for a year or two.

Same here! I couldn’t see that at the time. In my post natal brain fog all I could see was ££££ in childcare costs and that my salary was less. I didn’t think ahead and realise it was only for a few years. I resigned my job and 2 months later my partner left me for OW. I was suddenly no longer a SAHM in a committed relationship. I was a single parent on benefits. I couldn't have predicted he would leave but I could have laid the ground work so that if he did- it didn’t screw me over completely.

Good call re keeping up pension contributions. That was another thing I didnt consider. My professional pension will be something stupid like £3000 a year and I only discovered a couple of years ago that, at the moment, I will not qualify even for full state pension. I am still able to do something about that fortunately, and am doing so.

When I was young, I really couldn't see beyond the next 5 or 10 years. I remember pension advice being offered me at work, and not bothering with it because I just couldn't see the relevance of it to my life. Young women now, believe me, it is relevant to your life! Yes, it is boring, but one day you will be glad you paid attention.

So sorry @Fatted, that sounds really tough.

That's what I've been doing and what I taught my DD and DS do do in their turn.

(Genuine question: is childcare not means tested in the UK?)

@FishAreAcquaintancesNotFood it would be more of a "choice" if people stopped seeing childcare as a single person's, usually the mother's, responsibility. It is a household expense, yes you could add it up and see it as more than one of the salaries, or you could see it as a joint expense and think of it as a long term investment. We would have been financially better off at times had one of us stayed home, but we'd be paying the price now, we both earn three times as much now as we did when I first fell pregnant. And that's not even thinking about pension. That far exceeds any savings we'd have made in the relatively short time we needed childcare.

Lots of sensible advice here. My grandchildren aren't old enough to be thinking of relationships, but when they do, I hope they take note.

You're allowed to say no to anything you're uncomfortable with. Never feel guilty for upsetting someone who doesn't give you the same consideration. You're not responsible for anyone else's mental health.

Why am I always left with the impression that men are the enemy on this website ?

Good advice for career women, not so relevant for the very many women who just have a job.

@JustJayne69
Because it’s called Mumsnet not Dadsnet.😃

@Kittytheteapot

Re childcare costs, I know there was a time when I looked into returning to the professional career I had pre children and the cost of childcare would have been equal to or in excess of what I could earn. At that point, I made the decision to give up the career totally. I would give anything to go back to that moment and choose instead to effectively pay to work. It would only have been for a year or two. This isnt very feminist of me, but I am pretty sure my parents would have helped a bit financially if I had asked them to. Then, once the childcare costs came down, I could have started to reap the benefits. I would be in a very different position now if I had done so.

That's you though isn't it. If you had a job that wasn't a career job, there would have been no sense in going to work just to make a loss and you'd be less likely to have wealthy parents as well.

@Prayerwheel lots of SAHMs who would spout the line "they are only young once"

I'm not having a go at SAHMs, I do understand some benefits to children (and parents if they enjoy it!) and may well have a good level of security, but few I have spoken to are willing to accept there is a risk in that choice and will be very evangelical about it. Mumsnet is a much "safer" space for working mums.

This is not just about finances. Even if you inherit millions, holding on to your own life, career, friends, interests, talents, and not letting them be subsumed by husband and family is the most important thing for young women.

I knew this, but was not strong enough to live it.

Good advice for career women, not so relevant for the very many women who just have a job.

I don't agree. You might not want a career as such and that's fine - but keeping your hand in at work, even if it's just part time in a low paid job will mean you are not left high and dry if the person you're relying on for support leaves you - far easier to increase your hours or to find a new job if you've been consistently in work, than if you've been out of the workplace for many years.

And if you do decide to build a career, the more experience you have in a job, the easier that will be - even low-paying jobs have transferrable skills and a potential route to a career through the pathway of promotion to management level.

@FishAreAcquaintancesNotFood

Childcare costs for more than one child will often eat up more than an individual's entire income.

This means that one partner (usually the lower earner, usually the woman) will make a "choice" between taking a career hit or family poverty. It's a risk where one thing could go wrong and choosing th other thing where they know it will go wrong.

It's a privilege that the majority of earners just don't have.

Making it seem like a real choice is cruel and just puts more shame on the woman when it goes wrong.

I completely agree with this. I’m in a situation now where working + childcare is more costly than being a SAHM. I work as a professional so I’m luckier than many and it still isn’t cost effective. I’m the lower earner but only just.