Advice to all young women

[Kittytheteapot]

It doesn't matter how much you love him. It doesn't matter how lovely he is, how helpful, how understanding, how much of a feminist he is. It doesn't matter how equal you are. It doesn't matter if you would move heaven and earth to be with him.

Always maintain a degree of independence. Have some money that is yours and yours alone. Maintain friendships and interests that are nothing to do with him. Hold on to your career through thick and thin. If you have a burning desire to be a SAHM or if childcare costs would eat up your entire earnings and therefore you feel being a SAHM is the only option open to you, know this: holding on to your career is still more important. Go part time if you want to spend more time with your child, let childcare costs eat up your earnings. It is better to keep one foot in the door than to let it shut behind you. Keep being you, even if you think you are happy and fulfilled as a mommy.

Because you never know. One day in the far distant future, that lovely man you fell head over heels for might just turn out to not be the Prince you think he is. And if that day comes, you don't want to have spent the last 30 years dependent on him for everything. You don't want to be without a career or any means of getting one. You don't want to have nowhere to go. You don't want to be floundering about trying to remember who you were when you were young and independent with friends and opportunities.

That's all. I expect people will heap scorn on me. I can only point out this isn't AIBU. I just wish someone had given me this advice 30 years ago and I had been sensible enough to listen and act on such advice.

Completely agree. I gave up work when my kids were young. I'm back in regular employment but I had to realise that the job I loved and left for my children was no longer an option for me.

@Gwenhwyfar, yes, well I can only speak from my own personal experience. If it isnt relevant to you, by all means ignore me.

But some things are of more general relevance. My advice to all young women would still be to maintain as much independence, be it financial or in terms or friends or whatever, as they can.

Why am I always left with the impression that men are the enemy on this website ?

Surely no one is this dense.

Why am I always left with the impression that men are the enemy on this website ?

You read a post giving sensible future planning advice for women and you interpret that as “men are the enemy”?

That’s a massive chip you have on your shoulder. You might want to do some work on that.

Women are allowed to help each other plan for financially secure futures.

I’d also say it’s important to think very, very carefully before having children. It can be very life-limiting, especially for women. The bulk of the responsibility still falls on the shoulders of women and they’re the ones expected to try and balance everything or give up work.

Men will rarely make the same sacrifices.

My advice: skip it altogether and live your best life!

To be blunt you’ve really missed the point here. Being dependent on anyone is a shit position to be in. You shouldn’t be encouraging women to make personal sacrifices for the sake of a career. You should be encouraging women to acquire wealth and the skills to grow it. If your financial well being is dependent on having a job all it takes is a recession and you’re screwed. Everyone should learn how to invest and how to run businesses. Don’t waste your life making someone else rich what it’s your husband on the partners of the firm you work at.

Well said OP!

It is all about the example we set for our sons and daughters. I struggled when I had my daughter. Entry level job and I found out my husband was sleeping around. I could have stayed I guess but I left. I made a life for us, I built on my career. I got in debt to pay for nursery but I worked hard and got promoted again and again.

My new partner and I are now both high earners on equal footing. Our kids see us both work, tidy the house, cook and have equal say in everything. I am hoping my kids will both do and have similar expectations in life.

THIS. Luckily DD's father showed his true colours when I was pg with DD and I went back to work (headhunted overseas, so screw you DP) as soon as I could. Having my own career has saved me.

Yeah sounds good and I will try and teach this to my daughter. Still not going to denigrate people who don't do this, as snany people on MN tend to do

I wish I had followed this advice.

There’s nothing wrong with having a “running away fund”. In cash. If you never need it, it’s just rainy day money.

Always turn it round. Ask if you would expect a male partner to make the same sacrifice in the same circumstance. If you wouldn't, don't make the sacrifice.

Brilliant advice

Yup, I am a career focused mum of a daughter who raised her without a partner from aged 3. I kept my good career, my finances well invested and now mortgage free. I have instilled in my daughter all that you have said. She is in her 20s with a career, investing money wisely and careful who she is in a relationship with. I also taught her about red flags to watch out for in men and thank goodness as she went though what turned out to be an abusive relationship. It was short lived as she came to me to ask whether his behaviour was correct. We discussed it, she tried to change it and realised quickly he was not a good egg and got out the relationship fast. So teach your daughters good finance housekeeping, work at your career, never leave it for any relationship and only have children if you can afford it. Teach them about good healthy relationships too.

Well said.

Completely agree.

So true. My Dmum went back to work and a new career in the late 70s she made sure we all became independent women and capable of being high earners in careers where a career break would not affect our ability to be independent. She enjoyed a long happy marriage perhaps because she was able to reassure my Ddad that she wanted to be with him rather than needed to be with him.
My own relationship has been strong, although having a little wobble currently, my DH has always been aware that I love him because of him rather than what he brings to the table.
However, I can see the whole power, relationship dynamic from all sides. It does make me uncomfortable when I see overly confident women flash their husbands status and cash and have seen some catastrophically fall from their perceived pedestals. Many are seriously damaged women who dedicate their days to being physical and domestic goddesses, ultimately to be replaced by a younger or more intellectually stimulating woman.

I’ve got a chip on my shoulder coz I don’t see men as ugly and malicious ?. And as for dense , I’ve worked all over the world as a senior director in medical research and I’ve been working 60 hour weeks for the last 3 months. Oh , and I’ve raised three kids as well. Do I earn a good salary , you fucking bet I do. Could I have done all that without my husband , no I couldn’t. Not all men are cunts.

Oh and never have joint accounts.

Coffee and beans - completely agree about the pension....I worked part time for 7 years while the kids were little...as a couple we were no better off for me working vs not working as childcare costs were high. BUT...I was able to take early retirement at 55, on a decent pension, as work was s*, and I as very stressed....i had that choice which I wouldn’t have if I had handed over my financial autonomy.
Other thing is that we always had joint account- money goes in there first for household budget, then what’s left ( if any) split 50:50....makes me mad reading women say “I” can’t afford to work after paying childcare- you pay half...your DP pays half...insist on being equal partners whatever your salaries- who ever earns less usually picks up more of household unpaid labour in our working lives ( husband wasn’t working from time I was 50....)

Not all men are cunts.

OMG REALLY?

Such a shock to me with a nice DH, brother, dad, cousins, uncle, friends and colleagues.

I still maintain a Fuck Off Fund which amuses DH a lot.

@oralengineer

Oh and never have joint accounts.

Disagree...have a joint and all salaries into there first...costs shared based on overall income and set an annual budget you both agree to. The balance left then splits equally or proportionally to earnings and paid to personal accounts. otherwise if one of you looses job or takes less salary (eg maternity, part time etc) you have to argue why you shouldn’t have to carry costs you’d previously agree to and now can’t afford.

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Totally agree op. It's something I try am trying to instill in my dc8. Never rely on a man, get your own career, have your own money before you have children etc. Obviously life doesn't always work out that way but that was my goal.

I went part-time (30 hours, with 2 days wfh) when I returned after mat leave. Dh was always the higher earner up until 2 years ago. When dc was a toddler I did additional qualifications which meant no real salary for 3 years (bursary), but now it's massively paid off. In that time dh had to take on more childcare responsibilities as I had a long commute Fira while. Dh was made redundant at the start of COVID and I've never been so grateful that I have a career that can support the family. Thankfully he's got a job and starting soon.

xmummy2princesx remember that everyday brings a new day. If you want to chase something, go and get it. Xxx