Advice to all young women

[Kittytheteapot]

It doesn't matter how much you love him. It doesn't matter how lovely he is, how helpful, how understanding, how much of a feminist he is. It doesn't matter how equal you are. It doesn't matter if you would move heaven and earth to be with him.

Always maintain a degree of independence. Have some money that is yours and yours alone. Maintain friendships and interests that are nothing to do with him. Hold on to your career through thick and thin. If you have a burning desire to be a SAHM or if childcare costs would eat up your entire earnings and therefore you feel being a SAHM is the only option open to you, know this: holding on to your career is still more important. Go part time if you want to spend more time with your child, let childcare costs eat up your earnings. It is better to keep one foot in the door than to let it shut behind you. Keep being you, even if you think you are happy and fulfilled as a mommy.

Because you never know. One day in the far distant future, that lovely man you fell head over heels for might just turn out to not be the Prince you think he is. And if that day comes, you don't want to have spent the last 30 years dependent on him for everything. You don't want to be without a career or any means of getting one. You don't want to have nowhere to go. You don't want to be floundering about trying to remember who you were when you were young and independent with friends and opportunities.

That's all. I expect people will heap scorn on me. I can only point out this isn't AIBU. I just wish someone had given me this advice 30 years ago and I had been sensible enough to listen and act on such advice.

Terrific advice. Fortunately, I was given it growing up: my parents raised me to never depend on anyone else for my income. During the early years of motherhood, I worked part-time and paid childcare costs while my DH paid for everything else. Always regarded it as an investment in my future and, by extension, my DC’s future. It’s not for everyone - and women should be able to choose whether they want to work or stay at home - but I think having financial independence is empowering.

Fatted Sorry to hear about your Sister . sending hugs your wayxx

The mistake people make is that childcare is considered only from the mother's income. It's a shared expense - like a mortgage or heating.

The long term costs to women are enormous and the only person losing out on the 'it made economic sense for me to stay home' argument is the woman who sacrificed her future for her children

Thank you for this. At 23, it's exactly what I need to hear as our society is currently going backwards. Your post will be classed as "hate speech" against men I'm sure, but you're absolutely spot on and I applaud you for your honesty.

Surely the advice to get married should only be applicable if you earn less/have fewer assets than the man, otherwise it is bad advice?

No you absolutely should get married if you have children. You are enormously vulnerable if you don't marry. Zero legal protection if you have sacrificed your career to raise children

@Elmo311

Thank you for this advice. I do have an amazing future husband, and we have 2 children under 3. I am a SAHM and haven't worked for 2 years,... we did look into going back part time but my pay wouldn't even cover one child being in nursery 3 days a week.

I wish I was a higher earner and then I could just go back full time and support both kids going to nursery! We are in London and it would cost just over £2k a month for both in nursery fees.

Number 2 wasn't planned but I do adore her!

I will always keep your words in my mind and I will endeavour to get back to work ASAP!!

You should endeavour to get married ASAP, rings are not even a legal requirement. You're now in a very vulnerable spot. 'Future husband' is meaningless.

Clymene, I'm an unmarried mother. I out earn DP by 30% and I have £70k more in assets than him. Why am I more vulnerable than if I married DP?

@Miseryl this thread is about women who give up their careers when they have children. As is made clear in the OP and I referenced in my last line: "Zero legal protection if you have sacrificed your career to raise children"

Obviously doesn't apply to you

You don't have to settle.

If you have a burning desire to be a SAHM or if childcare costs would eat up your entire earnings and therefore you feel being a SAHM is the only option open to you, know this: holding on to your career is still more important.
It does depend a bit on what your career is to be honest. I took a year extra maternity leave because I wanted to, but my career is stable as in there's a shortage of people qualified in what I do, and if I could not find a job I could become self employed and build a portfolio. I agree with the premise though.

@Miseryl I think most people don't comprehend that a woman could be the higher earner with more assets. I outearn DH and have a flat, by getting married I have far more to lose.

If you have a burning desire to be a SAHM or if childcare costs would eat up your entire earnings and therefore you feel being a SAHM is the only option open to you, know this: holding on to your career is still more important

Not more important for every woman. If you want to be with your baby/toddler rather than pay someone else to look after them whilst you run yourself ragged - do it! It's such a lovely but short amount of time in your life - plenty of time for work later.

Isn't being a mother a huge sacrifice in itself?
I agree with keeping an income, or going back to work after maternity, not being reliant on another but not all mothers want to pay for someone else to care for their baby.
I know it doesn't affect men the same, I'm aware of that but I would not want a high flying career if it meant I didn't get those early years with my child.

I don't agree that holding onto your career is more important. Not to every woman.
Some woman change careers or retrain to fit around their children.
It's about having choices.

I am later thirties and was brought up with my parents sharing everything financially. Bank accounts, everything. So as soon as I got engaged in my early twenties my fiancée and I got a shared bank account for our salaries and bills and I have honestly regretted it ever since. I always tell the younger generation to make sure they keep their financial independence!!!

And who knows, it might actually save the family one day, as with us: DH has been made redundant (thanks Covid-19 lockdown), employment opportunities in his sector are non existent, luckily I earn a decent wage, that covers our outgoings and basic food

^This 100% - you are entering a partnership, being financially independent/ secure is not one sided or just a safety net for the woman, it's one for the whole family including the men!
You really never know what is around the corner.

This is what my mum stressed to me. Have a career and have your own savings and never be reliant on a man. She wanted me to be an independent woman and not feel stuck in a marriage with no escape.

So bloody true.
I nipped it in the bud early. Three years into the relationship I realised I was becoming way too dependent on him. I took a step back and do my own thing now and thinking of starting a career.

@Clymene

The mistake people make is that childcare is considered only from the mother's income. It's a shared expense - like a mortgage or heating.

The long term costs to women are enormous and the only person losing out on the 'it made economic sense for me to stay home' argument is the woman who sacrificed her future for her children

This is so true. If childcare costs are £2k then that is £1k Each from Mother and father’s salary not £2k from mums. In the meantime mum’s pension is accruing especially if your company contributes. It is also easier to increase your hours once kids are teenagers Rather than trying to get back into a new job after 12 years being at home.

But I say again, circumstances are different to each family, each child even.
It sounds straight forward if you put it like woman has a career, woman has a child, woman uses childcare to go back to career. No future is sacrificed, income kept.
That is all good and I'm all for that. So important to keep that career. Keep your independence.
But...
Not all children can go into mainstream childcare for her to go back to the career. If a child has a disability, it is so difficult to go back to your career and find suitable childcare. And that's for both parents to work out.
Family life is never straight forward. Not for everyone.
I agree with you OP, I'm saying circumstance can change things.

Amen. So very true

From my Nan: Make sure the house is in your name.
From me: if a man wouldn't worry about it, don't worry about it. Why should we have more worries than them? That's including ; body hair, parental guilt, cleaning and what you said to Sandra at work that might have been misconstrued. Give less of a shit what people think. Take what's yours.

Young women never listen though!

@Fatted very sorry to hear that.