He's neither in nor out and I don't want to fall out over it.

[Limbolimbo777]

Advice needed please. I had a fairly tumultous relationship of a few months that broke up in early December. But we never really left each other's lives (continued to talk and message etc) and recently we have seen eachother a couple of times and slept together.

The last time we spent time together he mowed my lawn and discovered something wrong with the mower. He went home saying he'd be back with the parts needed to fix it. But he didn't say when and I didn't ask.

The issue is this: When we have seen each other recently it has been at my instigation. I want to be sure he really wants to see me again by leaving it up to him now. But two opportunities to see eachother have now passed and he hasn't initiated. Neither have I because I have decided I'd rather not see him again than chase him.

My response has been to back off, because I want to give him room to come to me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to push. I understand if he is wary about continuing things - we do butt heads. I understand if he has wanted to take some time to think and process.

So I've been giving him as much space as I can whilst being friendly whenever he approaches me. I've not initiated texts or messenger conversations and have ended conversations (in a warm way) to go and do my own thing, waiting for him to reinitiate, and I haven't mentioned seeing eachother again. I thought if he doesn't want to have a big conversation spelling out that he doesn't want to pursue things and would rather they just fizzle out, this gives him plenty of opportunity to just fade away with no conflict. I'd rather that too than have to have a big deep and meaningful that might go badly.

We are part of the same social circle and I want to remain on good terms. So I'm not going to just throw him away and/or block him. We're going to see eachother around and neither of us want any awkwardness, I'm sure.

But whenever I come to the conclusion that he clearly doesn't want to see me again and back off, he reinitiates conversation. He'll flirt and allude to seeing eachother again (making jokes about my lawn), or he'll just make small talk, but he won't ask to see me. And I feel deeply frustrated. I want to see him. I think if I attempted to drive plans forward, they would probably happen, but just for once I want to know that he wants me enough to make things happen himself.

I know him well enough to know that a confrontation along the lines of, 'listen, just be honest with me, I want to know where I stand' will go badly. These conversations make him feel like he's being painted into a corner and they never go well. I'd rather just leave it. But whenever I try, back he comes!

I'm in limbo and don't seem to be able to find a way out. In reality I'm dying to see him again. Help?

Sorry he just isn’t that into you
But he likes you around to flirt with now and again and dangle
I am 100% certain he knows you want more and he just can’t be bothered, knowing you will just carry on sitting at home waiting for his message!
You are better than this... come on

So what to do? A big flounce will only result in an argument, which I don't want. I don't want to do the whole, "I know you're just dicking me around boo hoo" thing, and neither do I want to block.

I could just ignore next time he pitches up with a low effort message I suppose. But then he'll continue to contact me wanting to know why.

You are useful ‘back up’ for him in case he can’t find someone else ‘better’. Have some self respect, don’t be ‘available’ for him.

No reason why you can’t be in the same social circle, just don’t be at his beck and call.

Have you posted about this before? There was a very similar thread last week.

Do nothing ..

That will infuriate him. Presumably you can’t meet at the moment anyway? Or just have a quick chat on the phone if he calls but make sure you end the call ‘I’ve got a Zoom quiz booked .... byeeee’.

If he says ‘what’s up’ ... just act faux surprised ‘What do you mean?’ Make him do the explaining ....

You just simply need to move on!
Don’t be so available to him all the time, don’t invite him anywhere don’t flirt back. He is putting in such minimal effort anyway surely this won’t be hard just to let it fizzle out? You don’t have to fall out with him over it but just don’t engage with it anymore. Surely it’s boring to you now to see how little effort he’s putting in and you are getting nothing from him

Pretty much what @Menora said.

You need to move on and as you’re in the same social circle then a simple message to say it’s been fun, but you’d like to draw a line under the FWB situation as you’re looking to start dating / find a more serious relationship.

Basically, you’re only wasting your own time here, so just tip off the plaster and move on.

Agree. If he really does demand an answer say that you are actively dating right now and the previous FWB situation has ended

I would just do nothing i think.

Op read up about being the cool girl
Your post is literally all about navigating around someone who sounds like a rude asshole. What about your needs? He gives no shits about that apparently. You can’t even have an honest chat with him without him having a tantrum about it

He has the perfect situation - why would he change it?

He has you hanging on but is free to pursue other women because you aren’t in a relationship. If he finds someone better he can drop you and you can’t be upset because hey - you aren’t his girlfriend! You won’t want to appear like the jealous ex to the friendship group so you are letting this happen.

Just get on dating sites yourself to give yourself something(one) else to think about. Stop flirting with him, stop being available. You don’t have to suddenly hate him but stop being a mug!

Sorry OP but you can't make someone want you, or treat you properly. You can only change how you respond to their behaviour.

My honest advice (always to give it out I appreciate that) would be to say 'off you fuck' but in whatever nice version of your choosing.

He's not going to change. You need to gain some self respect and stop letting people treat you so badly. Now go and block him..

I have made the decision to do nothing many times. Since the last time I saw him I have almost never initiated messaging. He always comes back and reinitiates. He never lets it go longer than about 48 hours.

But he comes back with crappy, 'hey, what's up' kind of messages that don't move anything forward and he doesn't ask to see me. But he'll dangle it. Like he'll say something like, 'Hey I need to uphold my promise to come and fix your lawn mower at some point.' And I'll reply something like 'Yes (smiley face)' and wait for him to suggest a time/date. But then he changes the subject.

What to do when he comes back like this?

Ok, here's the bit which stood out for me: 'I know him well enough to know that a confrontation along the lines of, 'listen, just be honest with me, I want to know where I stand' will go badly. These conversations make him feel like he's being painted into a corner and they never go well. I'd rather just leave it. But whenever I try, back he comes!'

Do you want to be in any kind of relationship with someone, casual or otherwise, where you are not able to talk about how you feel? Because I had one of those...for over a decade. It was awful. I didn't realise quite how awful it was until we split up (in a massive part because of it) and started dating people who could communicate and where I didn't feel like i was constantly stepping on eggshells. It was, and is, wonderful and i will never put up with it ever again.

If you need to know where you stand, but you can't ask him for that...well, that's just shit really, isn't it?

But he comes back with crappy, 'hey, what's up' kind of messages that don't move anything forward and he doesn't ask to see me. But he'll dangle it. Like he'll say something like, 'Hey I need to uphold my promise to come and fix your lawn mower at some point.' And I'll reply something like 'Yes (smiley face)' and wait for him to suggest a time/date. But then he changes the subject.

What to do when he comes back like this?

Ok in a situation like that you say
Oh I had it fixed
I bought a new one

Just end the one tiny dangle he has hanging over you as his ‘in’. Just cut it off - you don’t need him

Don’t bother to reply to what’s up either. It’s so lazy. You are too busy chatting to all those new guys on tinder anyway surely!

Your mistake was staying in touch with him this long: don’t waste more of your time and energy.

OP I'd suggest you either arrange to get your mower fixed yourself or get a new one. It's surely less frustrating to do that than be the available backup for when he decides to throw a little attention your way?

You are worth more than the rather dismissive way he's treating you so do take control over the next steps and stop being so accommodating to him. I'm afraid it really does sound as though he's keeping you warm for the next time he wants to see you.

I know it's hard as you like him, but don't be the backup to whatever else he has going on in his life.

So sorry OP, this isn’t a relationship. He isn’t in to you and that’s the harsh reality of it. As much as it’s going to sting you need to just stop all contact, be polite when you see him and move quietly on. No fanfare and if he texts you just a couple of words back, keep it simple and brief, no conversation and get back to your life without wasting time worrying how to deal with him. A man who wants you will make it plain and clear without this behaviour.

People only treat you how you allow them to. You're prioritising his needs and how he treats you works for him. There's no reason he'd change.

What to do when he comes back like this?

Just reply :
don't worry I'll get someone else to sort it out - I know you're busy. Also I've been thinking that I really want a partner and relationship and I know that's not your thing so we should probably draw a line under whatever this is. Hope everything is good with you

Or similar

I don’t think you even need to mention the relationship stuff. If he’s only talking about lawnmowers or whatever, do what the pps suggested and cut off all those points of entry:

“Lawnmower’s sorted, don’t worry about it”.

You don’t need to have a deep and meaningful conversation about your relationship, because there is no relationship and never will be. He’s not into you. He loves the idea that you’re into him though, so don’t give him the satisfaction.

Move on and find someone who is into you.

Agree with PP- Get it fixed/buy a new one.

Find someone who will value you the wY you should be x

If I've understood your post correctly: you want to keep seeing him but you want him to show some commitment to you rather than you doing all the running, but you don't want to have a talk and tell him this. So you expect him to be doing some mind reading.

From his perspective, he's probably happy with the casual thing you have going on as he keeps coming back when you give him space. He is not going to change just because you silently will him to change. You need to take control of the situation and spell out what you want. If it goes badly, so be it but it's better than you passively hopeing he will do things differently and getting fed up when he doesn't.

Yes, I like the idea of just saying I've had the lawnmower fixed. That is what I'll do.

I know he isn't into me and I hate being kept dangling like this. It hurts, actually. My pride and my feelings.

I think he keeps you dangling for an occasional easy shag with no commitment. You deserve more than that.

Bettybluenose my feeling is that he doesn't want me enough to make a real effort, but that he doesn't quite want to lose me either. And he doesn't want to be forced into a position where he has to be honest about how he feels.

And despite the fact that I can see all this fairly clearly (I'm not stupid) he still always manages to manoeuvre me into a position where I stay hanging on. Because if I withdraw he'll up his game just enough.

I do know what's going on and I hate it. I feel like an idiot. Just have been unsure of how to take control without creating an argument or cutting him off (neither of which I want.)

Fuck him - he's really not all that.