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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's neither in nor out and I don't want to fall out over it.

207 replies

Limbolimbo777 · 26/05/2020 15:37

Advice needed please. I had a fairly tumultous relationship of a few months that broke up in early December. But we never really left each other's lives (continued to talk and message etc) and recently we have seen eachother a couple of times and slept together.

The last time we spent time together he mowed my lawn and discovered something wrong with the mower. He went home saying he'd be back with the parts needed to fix it. But he didn't say when and I didn't ask.

The issue is this: When we have seen each other recently it has been at my instigation. I want to be sure he really wants to see me again by leaving it up to him now. But two opportunities to see eachother have now passed and he hasn't initiated. Neither have I because I have decided I'd rather not see him again than chase him.

My response has been to back off, because I want to give him room to come to me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to push. I understand if he is wary about continuing things - we do butt heads. I understand if he has wanted to take some time to think and process.

So I've been giving him as much space as I can whilst being friendly whenever he approaches me. I've not initiated texts or messenger conversations and have ended conversations (in a warm way) to go and do my own thing, waiting for him to reinitiate, and I haven't mentioned seeing eachother again. I thought if he doesn't want to have a big conversation spelling out that he doesn't want to pursue things and would rather they just fizzle out, this gives him plenty of opportunity to just fade away with no conflict. I'd rather that too than have to have a big deep and meaningful that might go badly.

We are part of the same social circle and I want to remain on good terms. So I'm not going to just throw him away and/or block him. We're going to see eachother around and neither of us want any awkwardness, I'm sure.

But whenever I come to the conclusion that he clearly doesn't want to see me again and back off, he reinitiates conversation. He'll flirt and allude to seeing eachother again (making jokes about my lawn), or he'll just make small talk, but he won't ask to see me. And I feel deeply frustrated. I want to see him. I think if I attempted to drive plans forward, they would probably happen, but just for once I want to know that he wants me enough to make things happen himself.

I know him well enough to know that a confrontation along the lines of, 'listen, just be honest with me, I want to know where I stand' will go badly. These conversations make him feel like he's being painted into a corner and they never go well. I'd rather just leave it. But whenever I try, back he comes!

I'm in limbo and don't seem to be able to find a way out. In reality I'm dying to see him again. Help?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 27/05/2020 14:57

worth is ascribed only to women who are 'relationship' and 'wife' material (either in their own or men's eyes) and that the rest of us are worthless as we are for sex only

I absolutely do not see it like that at.all. I have always rejected that sort of thinking

It's about what you want/need versus what you receive. If that's balanced, then it's all good. If you would take every opportunity to spend time with him and he doesn't feel that that about, then I would describe him as valuing time with you less than you value time with him.

t. I'm trying to give both of us an easy out!

That's really not how it looks. He wants to continue the casual relationship that suits him just fine. You want him to like you as much as you like him.

Lots of people encouraging you to take control, as you have done by ignoring him. Good. If you do every answer him from now on, make you you tell him you are doing very well thank you. Just a bit busy and hope he is OK too. Do not ask him any questions.

He may spot what you are doing and try to reel you in again. Just don't let him. Simples.

It does get better. All the best.

DrDavidBanner · 27/05/2020 14:58

I think you need to read your responses on this thread back to yourself, all the answers are right here.

TheStoic · 27/05/2020 14:59

Yes I get it about not wanting to rock the boat. I’ve been in one of those relationships. And honestly, to get out of it, I had to be a bit manipulative.

I engineered a conversation about ‘where this was going’. As expected, he said he wasn’t in a position for things to go further. I completely agreed with him, things ended amicably, and he though it was all his idea. Job done.

Might be worth a try...

KurtansCurtains · 27/05/2020 15:00

I do want him to want me, and to be as excited about me, as I am him though

But he isn't! And why are you trying to give some lame ass dude who can't even text you in the manner you require, let alone anything else, an 'easy out'? Just tell him you're over it, you're moving on and bye-bye!

You are kidding yourself, OP. You just can't admit that to yourself yet.

Menora · 27/05/2020 15:04

I think sadly the real situation is that OP is afraid to confront him to avoid her social circle hearing that she is ‘clingy’. There is no other explanation as to why you have gone to such lengths to avoid talking to him and it’s because of this terrible label - because you know fully well he has the power to do it to you. And it would be embarrassing for you

Bluesheep8 · 27/05/2020 15:11

When has all this been happening? The mower etc? Why has he been coming round during lockdown??

Original poster
Limbolimbo777 · 27/05/2020 15:12

The whole thing is embarrassing for me, Menora. I haven't even told anyone I've seen him again. And yes, you're right, I would be very embarrassed if he were to tell his friends I was "hassling" him.

There is no point whatsoever in attempting to have a conversation with him about this. None. He just can't do it. He won't be honest, for a start, so what's the point. He's never going to admit he's just not that into me. He'll just get annoyed and defensive and there'll be an argument. It will not empower me in any way, shape or form. It feels far more empowering to just quietly walk away.

I am trying to give both him and me an easy out.

OP posts:
lachy · 27/05/2020 15:20

The next time he contacts you reply with this:

[insert bland response to bland question]. I've decided that I don't want a FWB relationship with you any longer. I'm trying to give both of us an easy out here - you get to avoid a conversation I know you don't want to have and I get to avoid your defensiveness that comes with any attempt to get you to discuss your feelings honestly. We both move away gracefully and silently.

They are wise words. Stand by them.

NumbsMet · 27/05/2020 15:33

If he isn't that into you, which it very much seems he isn't, I wouldn't say do nothing - I would say spend some time remembering who you are as a person and what you enjoy doing. Do you have hobbies you dropped?

Lockdown is probably intensifying feelings for you and you're experiencing all the classic feelings of 'wanting to be wanted', 'not wanting to push him away in case he was coming to you all along'. All that stuff. You would be hard pressed to find many people who still feel like that about an ex after meeting the love of their life. And I'm pretty sure the love of your life isn't him - because you wouldn't be that deeply attracted to someone so confusing and distant. All this is is lust I think.

The moment you remember who you are and start enjoying your life, he will come back, I'm sure of it. I just hope for your sake by that time you have met an actually decent person with a future ahead of him and you both. Because when mind games like this start a relationship they always finish them, and you're worth more than that, everybody is.

Menora · 27/05/2020 15:35

I totally get why you do not want to end up with some kind of reputation
Does this put into question what kind of person he is and whether these friends are worth having?

Menora · 27/05/2020 15:36

Also it is empowering to walk away. I did. I knew I would gain nothing from a showdown and I was right!

litterbird · 27/05/2020 15:47

@Limbolimbo777.....on a quick side note your name reminds me of me, crew licensed on the Boeing 777 in limbo waiting to see if we are being made redundant! Moving on from that I, too, in my years have come across men like this and as another poster said it was really empowering to walk away from them. Their ego gets a bit damaged and you will be contacted again. I blocked him from everything but he found me on Linkedin and messaged me from there. I was furious but it was only his damaged ego talking. Yours sounds like his ego is doing fine right now as he has someone he can call on when he feels like it. He’s going to be a little shocked when you go silent. Don’t worry about the friends, hold your head up high and be happy....they hate that 😄

FinallyHere · 27/05/2020 15:52

hold your head up high and be happy....they hate that

Absolutely this.

Original poster
Limbolimbo777 · 27/05/2020 16:20

Ah litterbird that certainly puts things into perspective. I'm so sorry about your situation - that must be incredibly stressful.

I'm furloughed, and work in the hospitality industry, so not looking at going back to work for a while yet. I am grateful to still have a job to go back to but think perhaps, as a pp said, that lockdown may be intensifying any emotional stuff that's going on for me. I'm just less busy than usual.

But I have made meatballs and fruit crumble today for my little darlings! And looking forward to starting Normal People later (apparently it's brilliant.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Limbolimbo777 · 27/05/2020 16:27

I don't think it calls my friends into question Menora. I'm not sure they'd think any less of me necessarily - they'd probably be more likely to think it was six of one, half a dozen of the other, and that they were only hearing his side. But still.

You only have to look at some of the threads on here to realise the dripping contempt many Mumsnet posters have for 'needyness'. If I was on his case demanding answers, texting in lieu of replies, and whining that I wanted to see him, I can only imagine how this thread would have gone. I'd be "embarrassing", and a "stalker", and everyone would be "cringing".

I'd rather not risk it.

OP posts:
Menora · 27/05/2020 16:34

One thing the dating thread is good at is debunking these things. It’s all well and good for a load of married people to come along and post about being needy and such like

I cannot stress to you enough that it is important that women do not allow these horrible labels to continue. We shouldn’t give them to each other or allow men to.

Having ‘needs’ is not a weakness, your needs not being met is something everyone should recognise. For too long we have been conditioned into being a submissive gender, pitting our own needs on the back burner. WHY, FUCKING WHY?

It isn’t needy or clingy to want a RS
Or for someone to like you
Or for them to treat you nicely
Or to like them

RantyAnty · 27/05/2020 16:35

OP have you been talking to or dating others?

NumbsMet · 27/05/2020 16:43

I hate it when people spout about women being 'needy'.

Someone ignores you for days on end and supposedly you're supposed to sit there knitting until he comes back to talk to you again.

It's okay to have expectations in an adult relationship. If your expectation is to have reliable contact with someone who isn't a flake, then seeing yourself as 'needy' because of it will cause you to settle for less and ultimately have a shit relationship.

You're not wrong for wanting stability. Don't doubt yourself on that. I can't imagine what any of the married Mumsnetters would do if their husband left to get lawnmower parts and didn't bother coming back for a few days.

Original poster
Limbolimbo777 · 27/05/2020 16:43

No RantyAnty I haven't. I don't enjoy dating sites.

OP posts:
Tenumah · 27/05/2020 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CaraDune · 27/05/2020 16:47

Menora talks sense.

I've been where you are many times when younger (and not so young Blush).

If I were giving my younger self advice it would be: treat it like ripping off a plaster. Follow up on your suggestion that you tell him you've had the mower fixed. Then block on everything (google "soft blocks" so he doesn't even necessarily know you've done this). You can't be friends with him, I'm afraid - you'll just get drawn in. (Btw it could be he's deliberately playing you, it could be he can't resist taking advantage of an opportunity when it's dangled in front of him, it could be just accident and thoughtlessness - you will never know. But here's the key thing: it doesn't matter which of these it is. All that matters is that the being drawn in is hurting you.)

Give it a few months for the dust to settle. Then ask yourself what you really want. Make a list of the behaviours you'd expect from someone who was behaving decently in a relationship, even a relatively casual relationship - like answering calls/messages reasonably promptly, seeing you other than just for booty calls, showing by their actions that they care about you (words are cheap), showing you a bit of respect. And don't settle for less. Casual relationships should still involve mutual respect. If they don't, bin the fucker before he gets his feet under the table.

Menora · 27/05/2020 16:54

Get empowered by this situation and use it to your advantage - it’s taught you something about yourself you didn’t know
Being afraid of being needy will lead you to these guys, you will ignore so many things you shouldn’t

Obviously stalking and harassing anyone is never ok, but that’s a big leap from sending a text or having a chat saying ‘where do I stand’ the moment you meet someone you know you can’t talk to, bin them off

oceany · 28/05/2020 08:03

He does like you and fancy you- just not enough to want a proper relationship with you.

It might be that be's not capable of a proper relationship with anyone, but there's nothing you can do about that.

Buy yourself a new lawnmower and move on.

If he tries anything/gets suggestive just say, 'we tried having a relationship but it didn't work out, lets stick to being friends'

ITonyah · 28/05/2020 08:08

It would really annoy me that he had disappeared with parts of my lawnmower. Buy yourself one and feel proud every time you cut the grass!

ChippyPickledEggs · 28/05/2020 08:10

Ok. Does anyone know when B+Q reopens? Grin