He's neither in nor out and I don't want to fall out over it.

[Limbolimbo777]

Advice needed please. I had a fairly tumultous relationship of a few months that broke up in early December. But we never really left each other's lives (continued to talk and message etc) and recently we have seen eachother a couple of times and slept together.

The last time we spent time together he mowed my lawn and discovered something wrong with the mower. He went home saying he'd be back with the parts needed to fix it. But he didn't say when and I didn't ask.

The issue is this: When we have seen each other recently it has been at my instigation. I want to be sure he really wants to see me again by leaving it up to him now. But two opportunities to see eachother have now passed and he hasn't initiated. Neither have I because I have decided I'd rather not see him again than chase him.

My response has been to back off, because I want to give him room to come to me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to push. I understand if he is wary about continuing things - we do butt heads. I understand if he has wanted to take some time to think and process.

So I've been giving him as much space as I can whilst being friendly whenever he approaches me. I've not initiated texts or messenger conversations and have ended conversations (in a warm way) to go and do my own thing, waiting for him to reinitiate, and I haven't mentioned seeing eachother again. I thought if he doesn't want to have a big conversation spelling out that he doesn't want to pursue things and would rather they just fizzle out, this gives him plenty of opportunity to just fade away with no conflict. I'd rather that too than have to have a big deep and meaningful that might go badly.

We are part of the same social circle and I want to remain on good terms. So I'm not going to just throw him away and/or block him. We're going to see eachother around and neither of us want any awkwardness, I'm sure.

But whenever I come to the conclusion that he clearly doesn't want to see me again and back off, he reinitiates conversation. He'll flirt and allude to seeing eachother again (making jokes about my lawn), or he'll just make small talk, but he won't ask to see me. And I feel deeply frustrated. I want to see him. I think if I attempted to drive plans forward, they would probably happen, but just for once I want to know that he wants me enough to make things happen himself.

I know him well enough to know that a confrontation along the lines of, 'listen, just be honest with me, I want to know where I stand' will go badly. These conversations make him feel like he's being painted into a corner and they never go well. I'd rather just leave it. But whenever I try, back he comes!

I'm in limbo and don't seem to be able to find a way out. In reality I'm dying to see him again. Help?

Ours opened a few weeks ago!

Right. I have been to B+Q this morning. I have bought myself a new lawnmower. Today I will be mowing my own lawn and drinking some cold ginger beer. Going to take a lovely picture of my finished garden.

Next time he messages with some version of, 'I really must fix your lawnmower like I promised', I will say, 'No need ' and send a photo of my lovely done garden.

And that will feel, at least, as though I have taken a little bit of personal power back.

That is awesome OP 🤩

Excellent - and no need to say any more! 😁

Update: I did my own garden. He messaged later that week trying (finally) to make definitive plans. He could come and do my garden on Friday - how was that? I sent him the pictures of my lovely mowed lawn. I'd sorted it. No need. He was surprised: "Oh", he said. I started to withdraw further and further from his messages, leaving it longer and longer to reply, if I replied at all. He complained and upped his messaging/flirting. I told him I no longer wanted to have a sexual relationship with him.

He continued to message most days with minimal reciprocation from me. He asked again to come over the next weekend. I'd been feeling unwell. He said he could come over - he didn't expect sex, it would just be nice to spend some time with me. I said ok (I know.)

He came over early Saturday afternoon. It was nice. We talked, listened to music, watched a bit of telly, had a laugh, and took a spin down to a restaurant we like that is doing takeaway and had dinner. It got to about 10.00pm and he said, "OK I'd better be going." He lives over an hours drive away so I offered for him to stay. It was all platonic until the next morning when we had sex (I know, I know - please no lectures about how I should "value" myself more and why would he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free bollocks - I really hate it.) I know it was a mistake but the physical desire to took over. I also thought maybe, since he really had wanted to spend time together, that his feelings had changed.

We then got up, had breakfast, and went for a walk in the park. I said we should probably have a chat. He bristled but agreed. I said, "Look. I hadn't seen you for weeks and it's only very recently you've made the effort to spend time with me. Not seeing you for weeks on end doesn't work for me. I don't want a super casual relationship. I don't want to be in a position where you meet someone else and I have to suck it up - it'll hurt, I'm too emotionally caught up." He said, "I don't want a relationship with anybody." It's the most honest he's ever been and I heard him loud and clear. We came to a mutual and calm decision that in that case, we wouldn't see each other again.

I expressed some dissatisfaction with the fact that he could have been honest earlier and saved a lot of hassle, and why on earth did he keep pursuing things when I had given him every opportunity for an easy out if he wasn't interested? This pissed him off (he hates to be held accountable) and to be honest I was a little upset. He left with us on good enough terms (we had a hug and tried to be decent and dignified, but he could see I was upset.)

He messaged as soon as he got home asking if I was ok. It had made him "sad" to see me upset. I sent what I thought was a really nice message setting my pitch out clearly. Yes I was upset but it was ok. I wasn't going to continue to engage in a casual relationship because it wasn't what I wanted.

He then sent me an angry message back saying he couldn't do these "essays" and I was always getting upset with him and he "just couldn't do this anymore." (I thought we'd already established it was over - I'd already told him so.) I left it.

HERE IS THE BIT I CANNOT FATHOM. Later that day he sent me a message about what he was having for dinner, as though nothing had happened. I was gobsmacked. I ignored it. He sent me another inane message, which I also ignored.

The next day (yesterday) he sent me a message about a mild disappointment he had had (something minor didn't work out for him.) I have ignored that too.

I actually feel furious. We're done. It's over. And he's trying to get me to re-engage as if this weekend never happened! This is pathological. I might have continued to engage with him longer than I should, but he's now told me straight he doesn't want a relationship (something he's never ever done before) and so that's that. Now he's messaging asking for emotional support over some minor disappointment when he's made it clear he's not up for meeting any of my needs??? I feel really angry.

I've made the decision to completely ignore/ghost him. Perhaps it's rude but honestly, I'm exhausted and I just feel empty. We'll be friends one day perhaps, but for now I need some space. I've realised he doesn't actually want it to be over at all. He just wants it to continue precisely on his terms. He wants me to continue meeting his needs while he meets none of mine. Well, no way!!!

I think you shoild block him now for your iwb peace of mind.

Iwb=own

Wow he sounds so selfish, it's all about his needs.

Oh dear.

I can't believe you would risk your health to have sex and catch the virus for the sake of being treated so badly time and time again.

Move on OP. Actually do what you say. You will feel so much happier!

I'm not going to block him. For reasons expressed earlier in the thread. It just isn't necessary for me to do so. I trust myself not to get sucked in anymore. Something inside me has shifted. It's done. It's over.

I'm simply not going to reply to him. He'll get the message soon enough. He's not a stalker.

I agree that you should block him, OP. Trying to be friends, either now or in the future will not work. There was a similar thread the other day about these kind of guys.

You've set your stall out and he has ignored you because he thinks you'll allow him to be in and out of your life as he pleases. I'm glad you are mad and aren't answering though as it's the first step but if he can still message you somehow, there's a chance he will work his way back him. Look up intermittent reinforcement, trauma bonding and narcissism. It really helped me see these sorts of men for what they are.

You have to genuinely move on OP. Not just give him the impression you have. Not pretend to yourself that you have. Start dating someone else today.

Op my dp, is my best friends sister.

Me and dp split during lockdown. He went and stayed with her.

I didnt give a shit what he told her. Because she is my friend and knows me. I am sure when he got there he moaned about me. Thats what people do.

But she knows me. She doesn't take her own brothers word over what she knows. If people believe you are clingy or whatever else he is going to say, they arent your friends or people you should be associating with.

You can block him. Its not different from his point of view as you ignoring him.

You arent blocking him because you simply don't want to.

I have just read this whole thread. And what this comes down to, is you want him to want you more than you want him.

You say you don't want a full on relationship. Thats fine. But you want him to want it.

Why? Either you do want a full on relationship or you are the type of person that needs the other person to eant them more to feel secure.

Its FWB. Every time, he wants a shag, he ups the texting. Meets up with you and you shag him.

I mean why were you even meeting up with him and having dinner with him, when you had decided it was done. It was obvious thats where this was going to go. You having sex with him, didn't shock me. The fact that you arranged a date with him, did. The date was always going to lead to sex.

He even said he was going so you would ask him to stay.

He's not a stalker.

You didnt think he was a fuck boy, either....but here we are.

Of course I have to move on. I do have some pride - I'm not going to continue seeing someone who has explicitly told me they do not want a relationship.

I mean I never wanted to move in together or get married. I wasn't interested in meeting his kids and wouldn't allow him to meet mine (something he pushed for at the beginning when he was declaring undying love.) I would have been happy to have only seen eachother once a week or so (and spend the odd weekend together.) But I did want monogamy and I did want it to feel equal in terms of effort and desire. I wanted more than he was prepared to give. And so I am moving on with some heavy lessons learned (basically that my gut instinct is generally correct and I hung in too long waiting for him to spell it out.)

I'm not sure dating someone else today is achieveable or desirable though

I’m really glad you’ve had the lightbulb moment, OP. You sound so articulate and lovely. Reading the thread was difficult until the end, as you are worth more than being his plaything.

I know that better people and brighter days are just around the corner for you. And none of them have him in it!

Not entirely convinced a lot of people will commit to a committed ling term relationship where you only see each other once a week, dont have any involvement in each others lives, outsode that one day a week.

Even couples who dont marry or choose to live apart long term, dont have that amount of separation, in their lives.

You seem to want a very particular, type of relationship. Thats fine. But finding someone who wants that, will be difficult.

Its like you want FWB....but you don't want that either.

Well we might have become more integrated into each others lives in time wrt family etc. It was too soon anyway. I don't want a FWB. I want a monogamous, loving, caring fun relationship where the power balance is equal but we don't necessarily live in eachothers pockets. I don't reckon that's so niche?

I’d end it and say you’d like to remain friends

Sorry just read updates! Good luck OP

You know full well you're leaving the door ajar by not blocking 🤣

If I don't respond then the door is closed, Onemans. That's up to me. I don't want to block. I've given my reasons why in the thread. The block function is for stalkers and random dick pic senders in my opinion - not for every single person who does or says anything that displeases you.

There's just no need to throw people away like that. I can leave it like this, not respond, and he'll leave it soon enough. We're adults. He knows why I'm taking some space and not responding. But this way we can remain on civil terms which is more pleasant for us and more pleasant for the mutual friends that spend time around us. Or I can throw a tantrum, block him on everything, hate him, slag him off, and create a situation that's awkward and unpleasant for everybody. Why? It's not necessary.

Can you imagine the conversations I might have to have with people?

Friend: 'Hey Limbo, Mr lawmower says you've blocked him on everything. Why did you do that?'

Me: 'Because he didn't want a relationship and I did.'

I'll look like a petulant, immature, dummy thrower. I'm trying to retain some dignity.

You know full well you're leaving the door ajar by not blocking

I agree, sorry.

He's a dick, OP. And a using dick at that. He's already shown he doesn't respect your boundaries. Is he such a god that all your friends are going to be on your case about blocking him? I doubt it. There's also the possibility that if you stop responding, he'll block you. It's petty, but I'd get in first. You won't be able to maintain a proper friendship. It's impossible because you wanted more. And there's always the chance that he's going to say to other friends that you're throwing a tantrum simply by not responding, so you might still have to have that conversation. You're giving him far too much credit when all his actions have shown that he's a tosser. You don't have to be the 'cool girl'.

Good luck, however it goes.

He has been a dick, you're right. And he doesn't respect my boundaries (or really have any of his own as far as I can tell.) But I'm happy to leave the door open for later when I'm over it. Perhaps one day I'll go to a gig or a party and I'll see him and won't feel much any more. Then maybe we can be friends, or least happy acquaintances. In the meantime I'm not engaging.

But blocking seems so angry and flouncy. And I just think being angry with someone because they rejected you is a terrible look.