He's neither in nor out and I don't want to fall out over it.

[Limbolimbo777]

Advice needed please. I had a fairly tumultous relationship of a few months that broke up in early December. But we never really left each other's lives (continued to talk and message etc) and recently we have seen eachother a couple of times and slept together.

The last time we spent time together he mowed my lawn and discovered something wrong with the mower. He went home saying he'd be back with the parts needed to fix it. But he didn't say when and I didn't ask.

The issue is this: When we have seen each other recently it has been at my instigation. I want to be sure he really wants to see me again by leaving it up to him now. But two opportunities to see eachother have now passed and he hasn't initiated. Neither have I because I have decided I'd rather not see him again than chase him.

My response has been to back off, because I want to give him room to come to me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to push. I understand if he is wary about continuing things - we do butt heads. I understand if he has wanted to take some time to think and process.

So I've been giving him as much space as I can whilst being friendly whenever he approaches me. I've not initiated texts or messenger conversations and have ended conversations (in a warm way) to go and do my own thing, waiting for him to reinitiate, and I haven't mentioned seeing eachother again. I thought if he doesn't want to have a big conversation spelling out that he doesn't want to pursue things and would rather they just fizzle out, this gives him plenty of opportunity to just fade away with no conflict. I'd rather that too than have to have a big deep and meaningful that might go badly.

We are part of the same social circle and I want to remain on good terms. So I'm not going to just throw him away and/or block him. We're going to see eachother around and neither of us want any awkwardness, I'm sure.

But whenever I come to the conclusion that he clearly doesn't want to see me again and back off, he reinitiates conversation. He'll flirt and allude to seeing eachother again (making jokes about my lawn), or he'll just make small talk, but he won't ask to see me. And I feel deeply frustrated. I want to see him. I think if I attempted to drive plans forward, they would probably happen, but just for once I want to know that he wants me enough to make things happen himself.

I know him well enough to know that a confrontation along the lines of, 'listen, just be honest with me, I want to know where I stand' will go badly. These conversations make him feel like he's being painted into a corner and they never go well. I'd rather just leave it. But whenever I try, back he comes!

I'm in limbo and don't seem to be able to find a way out. In reality I'm dying to see him again. Help?

You may be onto something there dickheads. She does rely on him a great deal. She's long term unwell with one of these chronic fatigue type things and fibromyalgia. I get the impression she's depressed as well and she doesn't seem to drive. I remember he once said he'd been over one afternoon. I asked if everything was ok. Apparently one of the girls had "heard a funny noise" coming from the loft.

Most people would investigate this themselves, no? Not get their ex partner to drive over and sort it. She sounds vulnerable to me.

Sad embarrassing update:

When he realised I really wasn't going to see him any more on his terms he came back full of promises. He "had it all to say". He wanted to talk about "how we were going to make it work long term", how we were going to "integrate our families and caring resonsibilities". He wanted to be with me and only me.

I fell for it. I went to see him for the weekend. We had a nice enough time but he didn't really initiate the conversations he had claimed to want to have. The next week he didn't try to make plans with me for the coming weekend so I asked him directly: "Do you want to see eachother this weekend?" His reply was that he was "easy" and he could come over on the Saturday. He did and, again, it was a nice enough time but I knew it wasn't right.

I decided I wouldn't ask to see him again (I was having some serious deja fucking vu at this point.) All the time he was continuing to initiate messaging and conversations online every day but not asking to see me. A weekend went by. Another weekend was approaching and... nothing. He was making a big show of providing emotional support around work issues I was having etc etc, messaging me asking how things were going, but not asking me if I was free to actually see him. I realised all his waffle was designed purely to get me back on the hook so he could continue as he pleased.

I've finally done what I probably should have done ages ago and blocked and deleted on everything. I can no longer afford to care what anyone thinks about this - I have to get myself away from this lying, using, arsehole. I sent him a last message saying I was done and immediately blocked him. I just cannot cope with the inevitable angry, abusive messages that would have followed.

Now I've got a real emotional mess to clear up. I feel sad and I also feel completely had. I feel ashamed that I allowed this to continue for so long. I am angry with me, and angry with him. But I've realised I can't stay in touch at all. If I allow him any access to me he will never leave me alone. Risking looking churlish has come to look a small price to pay for getting myself out of this damaging situation.

I'm on here looking for support I suppose. I'm too embarrassed to tell any of my friends I went back for another round.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. This stops him wasting any more of your time and if it's what you need to do to get past it, then that's that. I would work out some lines to use if any of your mutual friends ask about it, e.g. 'it just got a bit frustrating because he was always messaging me but didn't make time to meet up so I've decided to focus on my quality friendships instead' or something like that. Be ready to be super calm if anyone - including him - refers to you being upset about it. Basically be the cat who falls off a wall but then jumps back up and acts like it never happened.

Well done! Glad you’ve decisively ended it. You’re doing what is right for you.

If he does manage to contact you and complain either through a channel you’ve forgot or by flying monkeys friends, here’s the perfect phrase to have in your back pocket, “For god’s sake, just accept that it is over! I don’t know what you have to be so bloody needy“.

That should be you telling him “I don’t know why you have to be so bloody needy“.

Well done on being strong enough to end it once and for all!! Don’t be embarrassed about going back, you just believed him to be a decent human being like yourself. Turns out he’s not, but better to find out for sure, rather than always be wondering and regretting.

It’s shit going through this, but better now than further down the track. There’s definitely someone much better out there for you!!

I've just read all your posts from the start of this thread, and can relate so much to what you're gone through.
This is my take, fwiw: most people are scared of real intimacy, to a greater or lesser extent. He's absolutely terrified of it. He also has very little insight into his own issues and needs, let alone yours. You're well out of it, it's a losing game. Well done for ending things decisively. Move on, move up!

Mycat

There are glimmers of relief and relaxation under the sadness. I realise I had become quite anxious just logging into Facebook, because he would often message if he saw me come online and of course I would be hoping for a message that moved things forward but would inevitably get something about the weather, or work, or what he was having for dinner. It made me feel stressed and frustrated but that was never something I could express for fear of setting him off. Now that stress is gone. I don't have to think shall I reply/not reply... I just don't have to worry about it.

I do feel like shit though. I suppose that's inevitable for a short while.

Another deciding factor was realising that at the end of this month (which also coincides with a reasonably significant birthday for me) it would be a year since we met. That's a year I've spent on this relationship that was never going anywhere. I won't waste another.

I realise I had become quite anxious just logging into Facebook, because he would often message if he saw me come online and of course I would be hoping for a message that moved things forward
In hindsight this should have been the sign to you (a) that you were still being played and that (b) you still cared. There's been a strong theme of denial throughout your thread - god knows, we've all been there. I think partly your undoing was in wanting to be able to make sense of his behaviour, so if you just kept going surely eventually the pieces would fall into place. His behaviour was designed to get that response from you, there was no deeper mystery.

Hopefully you can now brush it off if mutual friends want to know what happened with something deliberately bland like 'just not on the same wavelength '. Make sure the only message that can get back to him is that you are not even thinking about him or the relationship at all - any hint of animosity will tell him he can still get to you.

Onwards and upwards - the only important things now are to be kind to yourself and to make sure you don't fall into this pattern of behaviour again. It made me feel stressed and frustrated but that was never something I could express for fear of setting him off - this is not the basis of any relationship, whether friendship or something more.

I think you've done the right thing, blocking him.

He was only thinking about himself and keeping you dangling for him when he wanted you around. That's why he got angry when you criticised his behaviour or questioned his motives. Not because you were wrong, but because you were right! And he still has never had the decency to even admit that, even when he came back again making all kinds of noise about being with you properly, only to immediately - immediately! - step back emotionally again when he thought he had you.

You're well rid.

Just tell him
'I have come to a decision. I want to remain friends on good terms but that is the extent of it. Happy to meet up with other people but nothing that goes beyond that kind of friendship. We've sort of slipped into a FWB state and it isn't what I want. I like you as a friend but that is as far as I want us to go' .

And stick to it.

Sorry, just seen what you have done. You've done the right thing. Don't go backwards.

It’s going to feel crap for a while and that’s ok.
I don’t judge you for going back one more time. Sometimes nostalgia for “what could have been” means you go there again and end up reminding yourself “yes this is shit and I don’t want it any more”. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Now you’re done and that’s it.

I wonder if he knows what he's doing and why. Because he won't have any of it. Any criticism (however gently put) is met with an attack. He has always responded to any attempt to bring up issues like a cornered rat.

Even if I put to him along the lines of, 'This is hurting me. I feel sad.' The response will be angry: 'get a fucking grip' 'you're always upset with me' 'I don't want to have to deal with your essays.'

I just wouldn't do this to someone. I can relate to feeling unsure about a relationship, I can relate to deciding to proceed with caution and a view to seeing how things go, I can relate to not wanting anything serious. But I would never lie and unequivocally tell someone I wanted them long term when I didn't.

Of course you should have blocked him ages ago, when posters urged you to - but maybe this final humiliation will make you stronger, boundary-wise in any future relationships.

I wonder if he knows what he's doing and why.
Don't. Literally don't. He isn't wondering if he knows what he's doing and why. No possible good can come of you wondering it.

If you have Netflix, have a (re)watch of The Holiday. Jack Black says "why am I attracted to a person who isn't good?" and Kate Winslet replies "I happen to know the answer to this. Because you're hoping you're wrong and every time she does something that tells you she's no good you ignore it, and every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over and you lose that argument with yourself that she's not for you."

"Even if I put to him along the lines of, 'This is hurting me. I feel sad.' The response will be angry: 'get a fucking grip' 'you're always upset with me' 'I don't want to have to deal with your essays.'"

He sounds horrible. Try to step back and look at how that is most definitely not a reasonable or kind response.

Hello, I was on the earlier part of your thread and in a similar situation. I blocked mine on Facebook and got a wounded message from him and I replied and said I'd been feeling worthless and hurt after his treatment of me. He didn't even apologise and said he would be always be there for me as a friend and he hoped I wasn't too hurt to be friends one day as we just get each other. I felt horrible for a couple of weeks after as all my interactions with him left me feeling hurt and worthless with his lacklustre replies and behaviour. I've got on hinge since then and had a lovely date with a man who seems pretty keen and has already been more complementary and nice to me in the space of a week than the previous knobhead. I feel like we are on an even playing field. I was always on the back foot with the other one and BLOCKING IS THE ONLY WAY TO STOP THE PAIN and wasn't as upsetting and humiliating as I thought it would be. It made for a speedy recovery. I am telling you this not to boast but to say don't be hard on yourself. I went back and forth for over a year but it wasn't a waste as it made me realise what I do want. It was a lesson I needed to go through to get me ready for the next one. Just be kind to yourself and heal and you may find your recovery from this dick is quicker (especially now you have blocked him) once you know a man is a dick to you you can't unknow it and his days of hurting you are numbered. You feel it in your gut when you go back for more knowing deep down he'll never change. There's no point trying to figure out his behaviour or expect him to uphold your own personal behaviour standards.

You just met a dickhead. You thought he might be one, he has since confirmed the fact. At least you know where your boundaries are in the future. Don't feel bad, you were played by a pro. You had great sex, a few jobs done around the home and a lesson learned. Take the positives, stop thinking about him and his motives. He liked the sex, went a few weeks without it, had to sweet talk you around again for more sex, and then went cool again until such time as he wants a bit of the other again. Let him be some other person's problem now. You have moved on.

Just come in from a long shift at work. I work in hospitality, everyone is desperate to get out after the lockdown, and we are rammed busy. My colleagues are all complaining but for me it's an absolute blessing to be honest. I've no time for moping at work, I'm literally running around I'm so busy, and they need me all the hours god sends. Well, they can have all my hours. By the time this busy period is over I'll be fine.

I'm surprised by how empowering blocking feels actually Nicelunch. I thought it would feel really shitty but knowing he can't get to me to reel me back in feels freeing. It's a clear NO MORE. I've removed his fishing line. Now I can start the process of feeling better.

I read the full thread today @Limbolimbo777 and I'm so pleased you finally got there. I'm sorry you had to get hurt in the process but sometimes we have to learn these things the hard way for ourselves. Blocking isn't being weak or petty. It's being strong and putting your own needs first. Well done.

Op, your way up has just started; well done! I truly believe that your type attracts his type. I can relate to so much you have written here. Not wanting to block, the walking on eggshells feeling, angry messages when they were ignored, the conversation, promisses and not making an actual effort. Blocking felt petty for me too, but it works. Because I have a tendency to forget the shitty stuff people do only to be reminded of it when you allow them back in. It is such a pattern, and I wasn’t even in a relationship with this person. Friends, lovers, people fall in categories, types, you name it. I’d suggest to work on your boundaries and attachment style as another poster said. I thought of myself as cool and laid back for not making a fuss in general about people being shitty on occasions, but letting myself get hurt and over invested was rather foolish too.
And yes, being busy at work is a blessing, isn’t it? Look after yourself! 🤗

I hope you're right One. Today is not a good day. I just feel so stupid to be honest. I had always had a niggling feeling that it wasn't right between us - even when he was being full on and saying he loved me and wanting to make plans. I could have saved myself so much time and heartache if I'd followed my gut. I feel scared and anxious as well. I don't know why.

I think this is because you are so used to regulating your behaviour so as not to provoke a bad reaction from him that you are unable to shake off the feeling of dread from not conforming to his expectations. It seems quite likely that as you come out of the fog and confusion caused by him blowing hot and cold you will remember more moments when you think 'what on earth was I doing?'.

No need to beat yourself up about it - it's done. And fortunately you're out of it. So now it's time to learn from the mistakes, so you can avoid these traps in the future. If you've not confided in your friends I would do that - it's likely at least some of them will have been in similar positions in the past. They will tell you, as posters have done on this thread, that you are worth much more than this shabby treatment.