He's neither in nor out and I don't want to fall out over it.

[Limbolimbo777]

Advice needed please. I had a fairly tumultous relationship of a few months that broke up in early December. But we never really left each other's lives (continued to talk and message etc) and recently we have seen eachother a couple of times and slept together.

The last time we spent time together he mowed my lawn and discovered something wrong with the mower. He went home saying he'd be back with the parts needed to fix it. But he didn't say when and I didn't ask.

The issue is this: When we have seen each other recently it has been at my instigation. I want to be sure he really wants to see me again by leaving it up to him now. But two opportunities to see eachother have now passed and he hasn't initiated. Neither have I because I have decided I'd rather not see him again than chase him.

My response has been to back off, because I want to give him room to come to me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to push. I understand if he is wary about continuing things - we do butt heads. I understand if he has wanted to take some time to think and process.

So I've been giving him as much space as I can whilst being friendly whenever he approaches me. I've not initiated texts or messenger conversations and have ended conversations (in a warm way) to go and do my own thing, waiting for him to reinitiate, and I haven't mentioned seeing eachother again. I thought if he doesn't want to have a big conversation spelling out that he doesn't want to pursue things and would rather they just fizzle out, this gives him plenty of opportunity to just fade away with no conflict. I'd rather that too than have to have a big deep and meaningful that might go badly.

We are part of the same social circle and I want to remain on good terms. So I'm not going to just throw him away and/or block him. We're going to see eachother around and neither of us want any awkwardness, I'm sure.

But whenever I come to the conclusion that he clearly doesn't want to see me again and back off, he reinitiates conversation. He'll flirt and allude to seeing eachother again (making jokes about my lawn), or he'll just make small talk, but he won't ask to see me. And I feel deeply frustrated. I want to see him. I think if I attempted to drive plans forward, they would probably happen, but just for once I want to know that he wants me enough to make things happen himself.

I know him well enough to know that a confrontation along the lines of, 'listen, just be honest with me, I want to know where I stand' will go badly. These conversations make him feel like he's being painted into a corner and they never go well. I'd rather just leave it. But whenever I try, back he comes!

I'm in limbo and don't seem to be able to find a way out. In reality I'm dying to see him again. Help?

I've just sat and read the whole thread OP and I think you're brilliant. You are very articulate and have been very honest.

No advice but stay strong! You are now free to find someone that adores you. And that's what you deserve.

A good day normally follows a bad day in my experience and you are breaking a dysfunctional pattern and leaving behind the small crumbs of comfort you got from him. It helped me to look at all of my exes and remember how cut up I was about even the most repulsive one. I look back now and think WTAF. One day you'll feel the same about him. He was intermittently reinforcing you and it's like an addiction thing. The highs are so high cos there are so many shitty lows. Well that's my theory anyway. You'll be happier tomorrow.

I was on the earlier part of the thread and I'd like to say well done for blocking him OP!! No contact is the best thing you could've done.

It's tough, it really is, but it's the only way forward. If you can stomach it, I'd recommend watching Richard Grannon on YouTube who talks about trauma bonding and narcissism and ways to recover from it. Even if you don't believe he's a narcissist, it's interesting to see how some of the methods they use match your situation. I always dismissed the idea of 'trauma bonding' because it sounded too dramatic but once I read up on it, it was like a lightbulb going off in my head and I could see that I wasn't actually in love with that person and that walking away and blocking was the best thing I could've done.

You are not going to believe this. A family member (whom I've not seen for months due to the pandemic) finally came down to visit yesterday. We ordered a takeaway to celebrate.

I drove to pick it up as they don't deliver. As I was getting out of my car, another woman was getting out of the car in front. I immediately recognised her from Facebook photos as this man's ex. She doesn't even live in my town so the coincidence of her being there was huge.

Now the story I had been given about this woman was that about three years ago they had had a relationship, he had been absolutely "mad about her", but he'd discovered she'd been cheating with a "string of men". They split and he'd sunk into a deep depression. Mutual friends confirm the story as likely true - this woman has quite a reputation. She is a chronic alcoholic, a self involved and manipulative personality type by all accounts, and wreaks havoc in other peoples lives and relationships. It's sad really - she sounds ill. I've never heard anyone say anything good about her.

A couple of months ago he told me she'd contacted him again out of the blue. I'll be honest, I felt threatened considering the feelings he'd once had for her. He said he wanted nothing to do with her, that he was mostly ignoring her phone calls. I then noticed they were Facebook friends again (she came up on my people you might know list.) I brought it up and he explained she was desperate, nobody wanted anything to do with her any more, he felt sorry for her as she was now a complete mess, and what harm would being friends on Facebook do.

I accepted this as we were so on and off I really didn't feel I had any right to dictate who he could have contact with, although I did make it clear that if he chose to see her or sleep with her then I would be out. He said that she was asking to see him but that he had refused.

Anyway, I couldn't help myself. Waiting in the queue for my takeaway I smiled and said, "Is your name (let's say Clare)?" She said yes. I said "We've got a mutual friend - arsewipe." Yes", she said, "I know arsewipe". I said, "Ah have you seen him recently?" (I had to know.) She said, "Yes actually, I saw him about a month ago. He's just moved house."

She looked confused. She clearly didn't have a clue who I was. As I was leaving she narrowed her eyes and said, "Sorry, what was your name again?"

So he was lying about that too. I can't believe the coincidence involved in seeing her and finding that out at this exact time. I'm certain our meeting and conversation will get back to him - she was confirming my name for a reason.

It's just another confirmation that he's no good and can't be trusted, I suppose. Oh well, I'd ended it anyway, but fucking hell.

Oh goodness limbo it sounds now like he may have been in touch with her all along doesn't it. This would explain the non committal behaviour, not wanting to tie himself down and being so wishy washy.

He's pathetic.

It's possible banghead. The reason he gave around her getting in touch out of the blue (not going to go into detail as it's outing) always seemed a bit strange to me. Perhaps they'd been in touch for longer.

I mean he's out of my life either way. Any confrontation would only result in more lies - it would be pointless. It's over anyway. But I'm reeling slightly to be honest. Beginning to feel as though perhaps nothing was as it seemed the whole time.

He was intermittently reinforcing you and it's like an addiction thing. The highs are so high cos there are so many shitty lows

This ^ It IS an addiction, and you are feeling anxious as a side effect of withdrawal, as your 'drug' is no longer available. The going cold turkey via blocking as you have done is the only way to break it. The anxiety will lessen as your brain gets used to the no contact.

The encounter with 'Clare' although upsetting, will reinforce to you that you did the right thing.