He's neither in nor out and I don't want to fall out over it.

[Limbolimbo777]

Advice needed please. I had a fairly tumultous relationship of a few months that broke up in early December. But we never really left each other's lives (continued to talk and message etc) and recently we have seen eachother a couple of times and slept together.

The last time we spent time together he mowed my lawn and discovered something wrong with the mower. He went home saying he'd be back with the parts needed to fix it. But he didn't say when and I didn't ask.

The issue is this: When we have seen each other recently it has been at my instigation. I want to be sure he really wants to see me again by leaving it up to him now. But two opportunities to see eachother have now passed and he hasn't initiated. Neither have I because I have decided I'd rather not see him again than chase him.

My response has been to back off, because I want to give him room to come to me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to push. I understand if he is wary about continuing things - we do butt heads. I understand if he has wanted to take some time to think and process.

So I've been giving him as much space as I can whilst being friendly whenever he approaches me. I've not initiated texts or messenger conversations and have ended conversations (in a warm way) to go and do my own thing, waiting for him to reinitiate, and I haven't mentioned seeing eachother again. I thought if he doesn't want to have a big conversation spelling out that he doesn't want to pursue things and would rather they just fizzle out, this gives him plenty of opportunity to just fade away with no conflict. I'd rather that too than have to have a big deep and meaningful that might go badly.

We are part of the same social circle and I want to remain on good terms. So I'm not going to just throw him away and/or block him. We're going to see eachother around and neither of us want any awkwardness, I'm sure.

But whenever I come to the conclusion that he clearly doesn't want to see me again and back off, he reinitiates conversation. He'll flirt and allude to seeing eachother again (making jokes about my lawn), or he'll just make small talk, but he won't ask to see me. And I feel deeply frustrated. I want to see him. I think if I attempted to drive plans forward, they would probably happen, but just for once I want to know that he wants me enough to make things happen himself.

I know him well enough to know that a confrontation along the lines of, 'listen, just be honest with me, I want to know where I stand' will go badly. These conversations make him feel like he's being painted into a corner and they never go well. I'd rather just leave it. But whenever I try, back he comes!

I'm in limbo and don't seem to be able to find a way out. In reality I'm dying to see him again. Help?

Why don’t you want to cut him off? He’s not into you and has made that clear. Not much in it for you with continued contact.

He doesn’t quite want to lose you because it’s flattering his ego knowing that he can keep you dangling. If he wanted you, it would not be this complicated.

Look at it this way - he doesn’t fancy you, but he does think you’re a good catch, or he wouldn’t be doing this. It’s flattering to him that you want him. That means you can do way, way better than him.

Sack him off and find someone better. He probably doesn’t have a clue how to fix the mower anyway.

Because I worry it will lead to bad feeling between us. We've got mutual friends and I'd rather not create any awkwardness. I'd much rather stay civil and perhaps salvage some sort of friendship out of it.

It's difficult. Last week he messaged on Monday and I ended the conversation with, "Have a great week." I thought this gave a fairly clear signal that I wasn't expecting to hear from him until at least this week (I was trying to create distance) but he immediately messaged me the next day. He will half heartedly chase if I back off. It's so frustrating though because as soon as I respond/show any enthusiasm back, he's back to being distant and slippery.

Gah! I wouldn't do this to anyone! If I'm not into someone I don't bother with them.

There's no conversation needed. You aren't in a relationship.

You've had the mower fixed and you're just super busy now and can't see him. If he messages, don't respond. It's over, so be it over.

I think you're far too concerned about "bad feelings" and "awkwardness." Honestly, who cares? Sometimes things get a little awkward and it blows over. Be polite, but stop allowing this dead end relationship to continue to fester. Stop contacting him, stop responding. I really don't think he'll care either way.

I agree with others. Tell him your lawn mower has been sorted out. You don't need to cause an uncomfortable situation.

Just don't respond to his messages immediately...leave it a few days and if he's not asking a question, you don't actually need to respond at all.

Why would there be a bad feeling? What exactly is he saying in these messages, other than the lawnmower stuff?

From the outside, this just looks like two friends messaging each other about normal, mundane friend stuff. How would it be any different if you change things in your head to pop him firmly in the friend zone and leave him there?

Yeah this is all good advice. Feels horrible though. The sex we had together (pretty hot) would indicate he did fancy me, Winter but who knows eh? Perhaps he just believes in taking opportunities where he find them.

Perhaps he just believes in taking opportunities where he find them.
This ^^ Sorry.

I can do that Winter, yes.

Plan is:

1. Say lawnmower has been fixed so no need for him to come over now if asked. (shall I message and volunteer this information or just wait to see if he mentions it?)
2. Back off further and further. Begin to ignore some particularly low effort messages.
3. Treat other interactions as just friends

This way we are both able to extricate ourselves without anything leaving a bitter taste in the mouth.

Of course he fancied you then, but you broke up months ago. If it was going to work, it would be.

You need to move on and just treat him like a friend, if that’s what you want him to be. If he flirts, don’t flirt back, just be friendly. If he ever brings up why you’re not flirting with him you can say, “oh it’s nothing personal, I just don’t see you that way anymore, we’re friends”.

The problem here is, as you said in your OP, you’re dying to see him and you hoped there’d be a way to rekindle things. There simply isn’t. I know that’s hard to hear.

Anyway, “tumultuous relationship”? Was it actually a bit of a shit show, if you’re honest?

Don’t pre-empt the lawnmower thing, no. If he brings it up again, just say it’s sorted.

Don’t let him think you’re obsessing over all this, it’ll just flatter him!

We've got mutual friends and I'd rather not create any awkwardness

Time to widen your social circle OP, it will help dilute the time you spend in group situations with this guy, occupy your time so you don't have the chance to think about him and have the added bonus of casting your net wider to find someone who will treat you with the care and love you deserve. He is messing you around, keeping you as backup and he knows which buttons of your to push from your time as a couple (he may have even installed some of those buttons). You deserve so much better than this.

Yes it was a bit of a shit show. It still is a bit of a shit show.

Ugh. That horrible feeling of knowing you've been wasting your time/played like a fiddle. Doesn't feel good does it.

Tell him, you don't need your lawn mower fixing because you've got a lovely, hunky friend of your ( borother,sister, mate - delete as applicble) who's really good with his hands, coming round to fix it for you. Your new handy hunk friend will be very useful as you've got a lot of jobs that need seeing to.

Do not reply to him first.

And next time he texts you don't reply for a few days (if at all).

He must love the fact that he can 'call on you' when he wants sex to see you - have some dignity.

And there should be no bad feeling within your friendship group, he is the one behaving badly.

I wonder how old you all are? Sounds like the games I used to play when I was a teenager - but in those days it was hanging around for the landline to ring .

Nope, I‘ve been there!

But you know what, it’s only been a few months, you haven’t really wasted any time - it’s all a good learning experience.

And if we were to give him the benefit of the doubt, it’s probably not so much him maliciously playing you like a fiddle but him being reluctant to do the right thing because your attention is flattering and enjoyable. I’m ashamed to say I may have done similar in my younger days...

No it feels awful. But he has and continues to play you. You're well and truly on the hook.

Dont initiate conversations.
If he mentions the lawnmower then say it has been fixed. Dont offer info.
Keep good boundaries. He doesnt want a relationship with you, he just wants to keep you interested enough to have sex with. Thats not good enough. Keep messages short or snooze him and dont even open them at all.

I'm no teenager Ragwort I'm afraid

Just can't understand why he can't be upfront. We could have had a conversation that went like this:

Him: "Hey Limbo, I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together recently but having given things some thought I know I don't want to pursue anything further. Our relationship ended for good reasons and I think we should just stay friends."

Me: "I understand. No worries. I'll see you at the end of lockdown celebration."

And all would have been well. Why can't he just be straightforward?

Why can't he just be straightforward?

Because then you may stop having sex with him, and that is not working for him? Sorry to be blunt.

Exactly as Dont says, he enjoys having you 'in the background' in case he doesn't get a better offer. If he is straightforward and honest with you he is losing his chance of casual sex when he feels like it.

Honestly, I am embarrassed on your behalf, surely you can see this?

I mention being a teenager because I remember (to my shame) the conversation with my Dad when he very kindly pointed out that I was being 'used'.

Anyway, surely you aren't meeting up at the moment?

"Say lawnmower has been fixed so no need for him to come over now if asked. (shall I message and volunteer this information or just wait to see if he mentions it?)"
Do not message him. Do not initiate anything. And when he initiates, close the conversation off (e.g. Had it fixed, no need').

I despise blokes like this (and they are blokes, not men), they are so disrespectful. You're never a person to them; just a backup, a safety net, a quick shag. TBH that attitude makes me avoid them like the plague.

But what exactly is he saying in his messages, other than the lawnmower one?

You’re FWB’s. Nothing more.

It sounds like you are overthinking the fall out from this, I don't see there needs to be any?
You can still be in the same social circle without a big falling out, just quietly withdraw making sure there are no loose ends like the lawnmower that he can drag you back with.