Does anyone else thing most posters here disproportionately tell women to leave their partners as a default answer?

[Kemputer]

Does anyone else thing most posters here disproportionately tell women who post a thread here to leave their partners as a default answer?

Yes for some that is the obvious response e.g if a woman was being hit by her partner or cheated on etc. But for others, I’m surprised no one takes the couples therapy type approach suggestions of seeing two sides (I know there is bias as it’s only written from 1 side) and working through issues As it’s almost resigning some men as unchangeable and defective for a relationship I guess?

Please no hate - just an observation

No, I genuinely don't and I have been on here many years. I think many MNetters are adept at seeing contempt in a relationship and are clued up on selfishness and imbalance within relationships and offer advice accordingly.

Yes yes yes I do! E. G dh tells wife to 'shut up' in a heated argument. He's instantly labelled abusive and women's aid gets bandied about. Repeat ad nauseum

No. That is a huge generalisation. I only see when it is the right advice. If the OP is being petty or dramatic they will be told so.

Most women on mumsnet will tell women to leave their ABUSIVE partners.

Maybe you need to ask yourself why you think those women in dreadful relationships with shitty men should stay?

I don’t. I think many people who respond are good at understanding nuance and see clearer than some that sometimes there’s a pattern of behaviour and that one incidence of shouting or swearing an OP reports is often barely scratching the surface. I’m more surprised that people don’t see this tbh. It’s a myth that LTB is shouted because of a one off didn’t do the washing up type problem. It’s possible too that people put up with far more than they should and lose sight of what is normal so think people are encouraged to leave on a whim.

Yes yes yes I do! E. G dh tells wife to 'shut up' in a heated argument. He's instantly labelled abusive and women's aid gets bandied about. Repeat ad nauseum

Link to an example of this where the op was clearly in the wrong and most mn answer was leave?

No, I think some people have particularly low standards for themselves and put up with a lot crap. Often women are told to leave because the OP talks about it having gone on for a long time. Rarely do people post about one off arguments unless it's turned violent, in which case they should leave. To be honest I can't understand why most women with the complaints they have, haven't left sooner rather than allowing themselves to be treated like crap.

I don’t. I think many people who respond are good at understanding nuance and see clearer than some that sometimes there’s a pattern of behaviour and that one incidence of shouting or swearing an OP reports is often barely scratching the surface.

This is why the advanced search option important. Someone ready a thread could think wow thats an over reaction. Someone who knows the op’s posting history will see it as one action in generally shitty behaviour.

I’m not necessarily saying Mumsnet users say she should leave when she’s been in the wrong but more if he is wrong, it seems like every problem is regarded as an unfixable issue where the man must be left.

Like what? What problems have you seen that are fixable? I agree that leaving isn't necessarily the right thing if it is fixable through counselling but I think most things that are posted aren't fixable.

Yes, I read a lot of 'drama' posts on here and most of the time the response is to LTB atleast a few times, that's not to say that the whole thread is heavy on that but it deff pops up over and over in the threads where even something benile has happened,

There are time when the OP can say, no I'm not gonna leave over this, I just need some advice on how to handle this situation, and yet the replies will be full of 'you should start getting your ducks in a row and leave'

Like OP said, obviously in an abusive situation you need to leave aand sometime you need strangers to point out to you that somethings wrong but it genuinely seems like some women here have every low thresholds for what they consider acceptable and think everyone else should have that same standard,

I also think people on mumsnet are quick to tell people they're mentally unwell or passive aggressively asking people if they're poor.

But again these are huge sweeping generalisations over my time reading gossipy threads on here.

I don't think I've ever seen that - I think it's a myth. I have seen lots of women told to leave abusers - would you prefer that they stay? I've also seen women tell us about men who've cheated on them and are destroying the OP's sense of self with lies and deceit and gaslighting. I think women are better off without men like that.

I do think there's quite a quick leap to label a husband "abusive" for things like (as an example) swearing at his wife during an argument and I think that's where lines become blurred.

I agree, in fact it staggers me how disposable relationships are considered to be. Like you, I agree there are certainly circumstances where it is not safe/wise to stay in the relationship but it seems that posters suggest swapping one relationship with flaws (& some are minor) for other unknown ones. Post after post after post refers to struggles in finding new partners / loneliness / difficult ex-wives / annoying step-kids / awful men... that the advice is overlooked as it's just not relevant.

Surely some pros and cons need to be considered. Like another poster, I like the School of Life philosophical videos; they encourage examination of self rather than just blame and disposal. They also point out that life isn't perfect

If I'd been on mumsnet when i was still married to my exH I would have divorced him far far sooner than I did. The collective knowledge that is mumsnet do advise people to leave when they are in an abusive relationship because sometimes, often people can't see they're being abused or they're unsure where to start.

If I'd been on mumsnet years ago I would have saved 3 years of my life I wasted on an abusive exH.

Long live mumsnet and those on here who rightly tell people to GTFO of relationships where they're not being treated properly.

People keep posting threads like this, so obviously some people think that. But I disagree - for the most part there's a lot more to it than minor disagreements, and by the time someone is posting here about their relationships, it's usually pretty far gone. And generally, in society, women are expected to "work at" their relationships in a way that men aren't really, and it's good to have voices saying, "actually, no, it's not all on you, it's ok to leave".

I was in a very abusive relationship, only I didn't realise it. I thought it was me. I had of course been brought up on "Marriage takes work" and "The first few years are shit and then it all settles down". When you hear that message your whole life it is very hard to know what is acceptable behaviour in a marriage, is this just one of those periods of hard work my Mum told me so much about? Or will this get better in a few years, should I stick it out? I found MN and was categorically told it was not me and that he was abusive. Years of conditioning meant I still didn't leave until I had a nervous break down I have never totally recovered from. There may well be people on here who advise leave too quickly but I don't think there are half as many as those who think that shit relationships are normal, and that is why MN is so valuable. It is one of the very few places where women are told to leave and not put up with the low/moderate level abuse that much of society believes is normal in a marriage or long term relationship.

Disagree. By the time a woman posts here, things are usually aloready pretty bad to awful. Usually the OP ends up clarifying and in doing so highlighting things that make the reader see how bad things really are. I can't think of any trivial LTBs.

And ultimately, nobody should have to stay in an unhappy relationship. Ideally any separation would be done civilly, with both parties behaving like decent human beings, but the right to leave is inalienable.

Thanks for the replies so far.
As I’ve said in my original post, there are situations e.g infidelity and physical abuse that are definitely things a woman should leave. Think some people missed that part.

Equally I don’t like the ultra strict other side of every issue is fixable and people should never split/divorce regardless of what happens. Just to put that out there.

I disagree. I think a lot of women put up with awful behaviour due to social conditioning.

A lot of it comes with experience.

Most people have had their fair share of relationships and made mistakes. One of those mistakes is to hang on too long to a relationship that is never going to get better. It can have a detrimental affect on your self esteem and mental health.

Yeah, I tend to agree a little. I also tend to think the same with some of the threads about friendships - that there can sometimes be encouragement to drop these quite readily when there might be complexities and a 'big picture' that is not fully known.

However I also think there is exceptionally good information and advice on the threads and the diversity and wealth of opinion can really help OP's examine their own situations.

Nope. I am consistently horrified by how badly some women in here are treated by their partners and husbands. I can't believe how much shit they end up putting up with. I think ltb is well used for a reason.

No, but I do see posters getting frustrated at OPs who don't immediately take their advice.

In reality, it can be very difficult to leave your husband, move house, etc. even when it's the right thing to do. There are emotions involved, practicalities etc. that the people giving advice don't have to think about - yes, some of them may have experience of the same or a similar situation, but people forget the stress of things when they are past it and sitting having a coffee on the sofa. That is not a criticism, it's just normal.

But lots of people posting for advice are literally in the middle of a trauma and can't always think straight. So I think people need to remember that sometimes.

I disagree. I think a lot of women put up with awful behaviour due to social conditioning

Sadly I agree with this. Patriarchy hasn’t gone anywhere, which is all too clear on MN.

I think MN is like most forums & there is a mixture of people with a variety of views.